SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: October 18, 2015 Edition
Germany Struggles to Make Immigrants Feel Welcome
Germany is taking some extraordinary steps to try to accommodate an estimated 1.5 million Muslim immigrants that will enter the country this year.
In a number of locations German students have been assigned to perform domestic chores—including doing laundry, preparing meals and cleaning up after the immigrants. These tasks have been made more arduous and risky by the obnoxious behavior of some of the beneficiaries, which includes throwing their trash out the windows of the apartments provided for them and raping the females entering the premises to clean.
Inhabitants of small towns being inundated by swarms of migrants have been advised by the German government to move if they don't like it. Refugee Coordinator Detlef Placzek waved off any possible objections, blithely asserting that "the decision to welcome these people comes from the highest level. It is every German's duty to obey the decrees ordered by their government."
Twenty migrants have shown their "gratitude" by filing a lawsuit. Abu Sirh, spokesman for the litigants, complained that "the Berlin State Office for Health and Social Affairs has been too slow in delivering the expected bundle of welfare benefits. To make us wait more than a week before receiving what we came so far to get is intolerable. We are Allah's chosen people. It is the kafirs' obligation to serve us."
Sirh blamed the delay in the distribution of benefits for a spate of prostitution among the daughters and wives of some of the migrants. "Without the benefits promised to us, many men have been forced to rent out their daughters and wives to get money to buy cigarettes and other necessities," Sirh charged.
In a bizarre bid to placate these religious fanatics, the German government has lifted the ban on the publication of Hitler's anti-semitic screed Mein Kampf. Spokesman for the Merkel government Heine Douchefangen asked his countrymen "to be more accepting of the culture of the newcomers. This book is a perennial best seller in the places the immigrants come from. Making it available in our book stores will help them feel more at home."
In related news, Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton labeled residents who questioned his decision to invite thousands of Muslim immigrants to the state racists and suggested they should move out. "That terrorists might be hiding with the immigrant community is a risk I'm willing to take," Dayton said. "We can't yank away America's historic 'welcome mat' out of exaggerated fear. The number of Minnesotans who might be harmed is small compared to sustaining the bigger principle of open-borders."
US State Dept Slams Israel's Disproportionate Response to Palestinian Attacks
Palestinian terrorists have launched a series of knife-wielding assassins upon innocent Israeli citizens. So far eight Jews have been killed and more injured. A few of the assassins have been shot for their efforts. State Department spokesman John Kirby criticized the shootings, calling them "disproportionate responses that can only escalate the terror."
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Tex) called Kirby's remarks "idiotic and unacceptable" and demanded that Secretary John Kerry disavow Kirby's comments. "The fact that some of the intended victims of these ambushes had the foresight to arm themselves ahead of time and were prepared to defend themselves against unprovoked attacks is not an escalation," Cruz argued. "It is the kind of prudent measure that cautious individuals take. The presence of armed bodyguards is the first line of defense for public figures like Secretary Kerry."
"Shooting down a would-be assassin doesn't escalate terror," Cruz added. "It deters it. If more innocent victims were armed, terrorists would be less apt to strike. This is the whole philosophy behind the President's Secret Service protection and our country's Armed Forces. For the State Department to criticize Israelis for imitating what we do is hypocritical nonsense."
Kerry declined to criticize his subordinate. Instead, he claimed that "Senator Cruz's siding with Israel and against his own country's Department of State confirms his disloyalty to the President and his government. If President Obama weren't so magnanimous and merciful Sen. Cruz would have cause to really rue his remarks."
In support of Kirby's escalation claim, Kerry cited an incident where over a hundred Palestinians set fire to Joseph's Tomb in the West Bank town of Nablus. "This site honoring a Biblical hero of the Jews that stood for thousands of years was destroyed in retaliation for Israelis disproportionate responses to the knife attacks," Kerry intoned. "I think that validates Mr. Kirby's analysis of the situation."
Obama Rebuffs FBI over Clinton Emails
President Obama's dismissal of security concerns about former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's unsecured personal email has rankled the FBI. "For the President to flatly say that these unsecured emails posed no security problem is a judgment rendered in the absence of facts," complained an FBI official requesting anonymity. "Clearly, the matter merits an investigation as to whether any damage might have been done."
Irked that an agency under the Executive branch would contradict him, Obama reminded everyone that "I am the nation's chief enforcer of the law. If I don't think there is anything to prosecute on an issue it is insubordination for anyone within the government to contest my determination."
"The fact of the matter is that I can order a halt to any investigation carried out by any agency of the federal government," the President boasted. "I can pardon anyone convicted by any prosecution that is conducted by any judicial body in the country. Likewise, I can order any agency under my control to prosecute anyone on any charge I deem warranted. And if prosecution is unworkable I can order the execution of any person that poses a threat to this country or its government."
New DOJ Unit to Focus on Eradicating "Anti-Government Views"
This week the US Department of Justice announced the formation of a new "enforcement unit" to combat domestic terrorism. According to Assistant Attorney General John Carlin, "the focus of this new agency will be the eradication of anti-government views, racism, bigotry and anarchy, and other despicable beliefs."
"While the media has been sensationalizing the so-called threat from Islamic terrorists, it is the Administration's view that domestic right-wing political groups pose a much more insidious danger," Carlin contended. "With the public's attention diverted to distant shores, home-grown opponents of our government have been free to work on their evil plans undisturbed. This new unit will home in on these groups and exterminate them."
Evidence of the pervasiveness of the right-wing threat cited by Carlin included "the disproportionate representation of minorities among America's prison population, arrests, and confrontations with law-enforcement personnel. The pattern suggests that domestic terrorists have successfully infiltrated police departments, prosecutors' offices, and state legislatures. Rooting them out will require effort, determination, and in many cases, extreme measures."
Carlin urged citizens to help support the Administration new push by reporting likely suspects to the new agency. "Key 'red flags' for incipient enemies include assertions that current government policies may be unconstitutional, that the President is a tyrant, or that citizens ought to obtain firearms," Carlin said. "Anyone who suspects neighbors, fellow employees, or even strangers of harboring such opinions has a moral and legal obligation to report this behavior to federal authorities. Anonymous 'tip lines' will be provided for this purpose."
Dem Candidates Promise New Freedom
This week's debate among Democrats vying for their Party's presidential nomination inspired a bidding war as to which of them could promise more "free stuff" to voters.
Sen Bernie Sanders (Vt) vowed to eliminate the need for money. "Too many people are barred from having what they want by the fact that they lack the money to purchase it," Sanders lamented. "Billionaires like Donald Trump never have to face such deprivation. Why should poorer Americans be denied the same rights? When I'm president all merchandise will be free."
Rival candidate Hillary Clinton averred that "while I agree with Senator Sanders in principle, I'm not sure doing away with money is feasible. I believe a more practical approach would be for the government to simply provide money to those who need it. That way we can maintain the traditional mechanisms of our society. Whether this money is confiscated from the rich or whether it is created by the Federal Reserve is a question to be answered by experts at a later date."
Former Maryland Gov. Martin O'Malley insisted that he "would have come up with a similarly brilliant idea if I had gotten the chance to speak first. Since I wasn't given that opportunity I'm stuck with saying 'me too.'"
Former Rhode Island Gov. Lincoln Chafee pointed out that "unlike any of the other candidates in either Party, I am named after Abraham Lincoln—the Great Emancipator. I think this establishes a modicum of credibility that I could achieve the emancipation of wage-slavery that the American people really need."
Former Virginia Sen. Jim Webb was widely booed by the audience when he admitted that "I don't have the facts and figures to refute what everyone else is saying, but it makes me a bit uneasy. Is it really possible to give everyone everything he wants without him having to lift a finger?"