SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: November 8, 2015 Edition
Hillary Boasts "I Am Unstoppable"
In an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel's late night talk show, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton proclaimed her election next year as "inevitable. Nominally, Bernie Sanders is still in the race, but since he virtually endorsed me at the debate I think he's seen the writing on the wall and will soon follow Webb and Chafee to the exit."
She was even more dismissive of the Republican candidates calling them "an assortment of nuts oblivious to what it takes to govern. If we are to believe the polls, GOP voters are rejecting the one candidate who has a successful record of governing the State of Florida. Even at that, none of them have had to make the hard choice to put people in harms' way for the good of the country. They are all neophytes with clean hands."
So confident is the former Secretary of State that she averred that not even her husband could beat her in an election. "He would run again if he could," Hillary said. "But he wouldn't stand a chance in a race against me. He is a skirt-chaser in an era when the American voter is yearning for a skirt-wearer. I am that unstoppable skirt-wearer."
Candidate Seeks to Regain Senate Seat with Promise of Higher Taxes
Convinced that Americans are grossly under taxed, former Wisconsin Senator Russ Feingold is on a crusade to regain the seat he lost to current Republican Senator Ron Johnson in 2010.
"The evidence is overwhelming," Feingold asserted. "Americans are suffering from a surfeit of income that they are squandering on purchases that are detrimental to their well-being. They are over-eating and over-drinking. They are living in single-family homes when they should be living in high-density apartments. They are driving cars when they should be riding public transit. The list of obnoxious and self-indulgent expenditures is lengthy and nauseating."
Feingold touted his credentials as a tax-hiker during his 18-year tenure in the US Senate from 1993 to 2011 as proof he is the man to help Americans break their spending habits. "In the years I represented Wisconsin in the Senate I voted for higher taxes on nearly 300 separate occasions," the ex-senator bragged. "Since Johnson took over he has been largely an enabler of private selfishness—resisting numerous efforts by the President and the Democratic Party to relieve taxpayers from the temptations of excessive wealth."
According to Feingold, the need to oust Johnson in 2016 is made more urgent by his support for a Constitutional amendment that would require a two-thirds majority before tax increases could be enacted. "This is the exact opposite of what we should be doing," Feingold insisted. "We need to get beyond the simplistic notion that the money a person earns is his to do with as he pleases. All income, all wealth ought to be the common property of all. Government, as the representative of all ought to control how money is spent. If I am elected this is what I'll strive to do."
PLO Assails Cruz Hearing on Terrorism
The Palestine Liberation Organization (PLO) took issue with how Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) handled a hearing on Middle East terrorism. The hearing entitled, "Justice Forsaken: How the Federal Government Fails the American Victims of Iranian and Palestinian Terrorism," featured witnesses describing attacks by Palestinian suicide bombers against innocent victims.
PLO spokesman Haikil Juze complained that "these hearings are one-sided and biased. Contrary to the propaganda spouted by Cruz and his witnesses, Jews are not innocent. The Quran makes that clear. It is every Muslim's sacred duty to strike down these minions of Satan wherever, whenever, and however they can."
Juze condemned "Cruz's failure to mention the provocations committed by the Israelis. First of all, the mere presence of Jews in lands conquered for Allah more than a thousand years ago is an intolerable affront. Second, Jewish whores parade around the streets with their faces and limbs uncovered inducing irresistible lust among innocent Muslim men. Third, the Quran expressly prohibits non-Muslims from owning weapons. Yet, Jews walk the streets with firearms in their hands, over their shoulders, or on their hips. Rage and revenge is our only honorable option. Cruz's aim to deny us this option violates our religious freedom."
Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest called Cruz's efforts "unhelpful. The President, who is a great admirer of Lincoln, urged me to convey the message that if he could achieve peace in the region without harming any Jews he would do it, and if he could achieve peace by harming all the Jews he would do it; and if he could achieve peace by harming some and leaving others alone he would also do that."
Congresswoman Urges Limits to Freedom of Speech
Incensed that Donald Trump might be permitted to host Saturday Night Live, Rep. Loretta Sanchez (D-Calif) says "the government needs to step in and prohibit the kind of racist and anti-social remarks that Trump and his ilk are inflicting on this country."
"Freedom of speech is not a privilege that we should allow people to abuse," Sanchez opined. "Too many have died fighting for freedom of speech for us to sit by while those unworthy of the privilege pollute the airwaves with anti-government rhetoric. Disagreement that goes beyond acceptable bounds must be curtailed. Persons who cannot politely engage in convivial interactions should be restrained for the common good. It is long past time that the government establish and enforce guidelines for what is permissible and what is not."
"The danger of unrestrained free speech was recently brought home by the savage beating of an Hispanic man in Boston by a white thug who admitted that Donald Trump said it was okay," Sanchez argued. "How many more Hispanics, Blacks, and Muslims will have to suffer before we silence inciters like Trump?"
DOJ Abolishes Term: "Juvenile Delinquent"
US Attorney General Loretta Lynch has decreed that the Department of Justice will no longer use the term "juvenile delinquent" to describe youthful lawbreakers. The new term to be used is "justice involved youth."
"Juvenile delinquent has too negative a connotation," Lynch said. "Both words are demeaning. The word 'juvenile' is frequently used to convey an impression of immaturity. To call someone juvenile is, by itself, insulting. Similarly, the word 'delinquent' is judgmental. It communicates a message of wrongful behavior."
"The new terminology is more positive sounding," she continued. "A justice involved youth does not stigmatize an individual. It just says that a young person is linked in some way with the justice system just like judges and attorneys are linked to the justice system. The phrase itself could be taken to mean that the youth may be an intern or aide rather than a criminal."
"Just because a young person may have broken some laws doesn't prove he is bad," Lynch contended. "He could have good reasons for his behavior. Maybe he comes from a broken home. Maybe he is poor. Maybe his need for what he stole is greater than that of the person he stole from. Maybe being a member of a gang is normal in his neighborhood. Maybe killing members of rival gangs or witnesses is self-defense. Maybe we need to be more understanding and not as quick to condemn behavior we don't fully understand."
Brown Defends Asking State Experts to Report on His Land
California Governor Jerry Brown insisted that "there's nothing wrong with what I did." What he did was ask employees of the California Division of Oil, Gas and Geothermal Resources—a state agency—to tell him whether there is oil on his private property.
"I didn't ask for any special treatment," Brown asserted. "I did what any citizen of the state might have done."
"Well, I suppose that any citizen could've asked for the same thing," an employee said in an "off-the-record" interview. "But we wouldn't have prepared that citizen a 51 page report. When the Governor 'asks' you hop to if you want to keep your job."
Brown contrasted "the trifling amount of money involved" with former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's performance of favors for foreign governments that made donations to the Clinton Foundation. "Bill and Hillary raked in tens of millions of dollars using the leverage she had as this county's head diplomat. At most, the report I got cost tens of thousands. I think those of us engaged in public service—presidents, secretaries, governors, senators, etc are entitled to a few perqs considering all the sacrifices we make for those we serve."
Billionaire Says Socialism Needed to Stem Climate Disaster
Microsoft multi-billionaire Bill Gates averred that freedom and democracy will need to be sacrificed if we are to avert climate disaster. "Left to their own devices, common people don't see the need for action to prevent global warming," Gates lamented. "They are too prone to place having a job, food on the table, and a comfortable home ahead of working against global warming."
Gates advised "a top down imposition of socialism to overcome individual resistance to the measures deemed essential for taming runaway climate change. Only socialism can stifle prosperity sufficiently to achieve the reductions in human activities that contribute to warming. The elimination of conveniences like electricity, running water, and personal transportation for all but the world's most important persons is the price our species must be willing to pay to save the planet. History has shown that socialist regimes are the most effective at attaining the type of economy required to shrink the human footprint."
In support of his argument, Gates pointed to socialist Venezuela as a preview of what is possible. "It is in Venezuela that a pack of french fries at McDonald's now costs $130," Gates observed. "This will dramatically cut back consumption. No free market capitalistic system could achieve as much in so short a period of time. It is only by bringing an end to widely available and inexpensive consumer goods and services that we can save the Earth. For this socialism is essential."