SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: November 29, 2015 Edition
Obama Blames Media for Perception that Islamic Terror Is a Problem
Frustrated by the growing exasperation of Americans with his feckless foreign policy, President Obama told members of his inner circle of advisers that he blames the media for "creating the widespread perception that Islamic terror is a serious problem. The number of persons killed by Islamists in the United States in any given year is tiny. The number of persons killed by home-grown criminals is over 15,000 per year. Yet, wall-to-wall coverage of an isolated outbreak in Paris earlier this month has vaulted this one category of violence to the forefront."
"Even worse, the attention incites more violence by its uniformly negative characterization of attacks that many of the Muslim faith see as justifiable obedience to the commands of Islam's prophet Mohamed," Obama contended. "This can only serve to diminish the opportunity for compromise and peaceful resolution of our differences. Perhaps if we made a greater effort to understand the grievances that provoke these violent outbursts of religious fervor we could see a path toward a resolution."
The President contrasted the media's undesirable response to that of the U.S. Central Command (CENTCOM) whose reports on the Islamic State were revised to comply with the Administration's directives. "Admittedly, we have more direct control over this government agency," Obama agreed. "But still, on an ideological basis I would have anticipated a much broader area of conformity of world view between me and the media."
"As a result of one-sided media coverage, I see a lot of knee-jerk opposition to the claim that sharia law might be forced on the American people," the President continued. "The premise is that such law would be bad. But is it really? In a society inundated by pornography, what would be so bad about implementing more modest clothing for our women? In this era of growing godlessness, what would be so bad about incentivizing faith by levying a tax on unbelievers and greater privileges for those who observe prescribed religious rites?"
The President then conjectured that "since Islam is the largest faith in the world its universal implementation would be compatible with our devotion to the democratic principle of majority rule. Unfortunately, the unmitigated negative treatment of jihadis by our media drives us further away from what seems to me to be the most logical solution available."
In related news, Obama voiced the hope that "the upcoming Paris meeting on global climate might help convey a message of good will to our Islamic brothers. No one suffers more from the unrelenting global warming than the people living in the Middle East. The West's refusal to take measures against this warming is an act of aggression toward these long-suffering people. If we can show that we are willing to cripple our economies and sacrifice our prosperity to try to alleviate this warming we will extend the olive branch of peace to our enemies."
Candidate's Funding Solicitation Labeled Possible "Phishing Scam"
Contender for the Democratic presidential nomination, Sen. Bernie Sanders' (S-Vt) effort to solicit donations via an email request hit a snag when the Google gmail software identified the request as a "phishing scam." Apparently, the Sanders' campaign promises of "free college" and "low cost prescriptions" were classified as indicators of "possible fraud."
Sanders' campaign manager Jeff Weaver blamed "Google's limited understanding of the difference between real scams and legitimate political policies. The crook's objective is to rob the unwary individual by proffering benefits that can never be attained. Bernie's objective is to persuade voters to elect him so he can legally confiscate the undeserved wealth of the minority in order to redistribute it to the majority. Those who support Bernie are not targeted victims, but co-participants in the transfer of money."
Presidential rival Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) disagreed with Weaver's "attempt to disguise the inherent fraud of socialist economics as a legitimate political policy. Inviting his supporters to participate in securing loot by offering them a share of the ill-gotten gains doesn't magically transform theft into an ethical action. Voting to help oneself to the earnings of another is still a criminal act. Using the government as an intermediary cannot cleanse it of its immoral character."
Democratic Presidential Rivals Court Illegal Immigrant Vote
Democratic presidential aspirant Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) vowed to readmit illegal immigrants who were previously deported if he is elected president. "The notion that persons who have committed felonies in their country of origin cannot be allowed into the United States is unAmerican," Sanders asserted. "Many of those who came to America in the early years were individuals given the choice of emigration or execution. That same choice needs to be made available to those facing imprisonment or execution in their home countries today."
Sanders maintained his confidence that "only a minority of the readmitted felons are likely to repeat their crimes in our country. Our social safety net will ensure that their needs are met. They will not have to commit crimes to survive. For the tiny fraction who cannot be weaned from predatory criminal behavior our healthier and wealthier population can more readily abide and recover from the robberies, rapes, assaults and murders that may occur than their more destitute victims south of the border."
Not to be outdone, Sanders' main rival for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, promised to outlaw the phrase "illegal immigrant" if she becomes president. "While I have mistakenly used this phrase in the past myself, I now realize that it unfairly stigmatizes those whose fervent aspiration is to come to America," Clinton said. "But we need to go beyond the narrowly circumscribed 'felons' that Senator Sanders seeks to champion. Jihadis are an even more oppressed group. They aren't merely facing local law enforcement perils. They're being bombed are massacred by the Russians. They need to know that they can find refuge in the United States. I will provide this refuge if I am successful in next November's election."
Holiday Surveillance Shows Need for More Executive Action
Despite urging from a variety of left-wing luminaries, discussions in most households over the Thanksgiving holiday did not pan out as hoped. Early summations of conversations picked up from eavesdropping by "smart TVs" revealed that the vast majority leaned toward right-wing views.
"The President asked Americans to talk about gun control," Press Secretary Josh Earnest said. "They did, but the gist of the sentiment was that more people wanted to arm themselves. Likewise, conversations about immigration evinced a preference for less of it. And practically no one seemed concerned about global climate change. Obviously, American opinion is not where it should be at this stage of the President's term."
"Given the short time left until he leaves office, the President's only recourse is to step up the pace of executive action if we want to make progress on his key priorities," Earnest surmised. "As Commander-in-Chief of the United States, he believes he has the legal authority to order the confiscation of unneeded firearms, to grant the admission of as many immigrants as he deems warranted, and to institute whatever climate control regulations that may be required."
Support for autocratic presidential action was rapidly vocalized by a cadre of 24 Senate Democrats led by Sen. Richard Blumenthal (Conn). "There is no hope of obtaining Congressional approval of legislation to restrict citizens' access to firearms," Blumenthal lamented. "Our more cowardly colleagues cite the Second Amendment and the wrath of voters in their home states as excuses for their inaction on this sorely needed regulation."
Blumenthal urged the President "to save the nation from the impasse of misguided allegiance to an out-dated document and then ignorant prejudices of too many voters. Off-the-record, a clear majority of Congress is with us on the merits. If you could take the heat for overriding these obstacles you would be acting in the best interests of those who have dedicated their careers to governing this nation."
Lord's Prayer Ad Rejected by UK Movie Theaters
A 60-second video featuring various Christians reciting the Lord's Prayer was rejected by Digital Cinema Media (DCM). The short advertisement was produced by the Church of England and intended for airing in front of the new Star Wars movie as part of the Church's campaign to broadcast religious values to a broader audience.
DCM spokesman Christopher Kirk cited "a clash of values" as the reason for rejecting the ad. "Anyone who has been following trends in the film industry cannot fail to note that the message contained in this prayer is at odds with the major themes of the entertainment industry," Kirk maintained. "I mean, the 'lead us not into temptation' phrase in the prayer is a blanket condemnation of everything we stand for."
Kirk made a bid to reassure movie fans that "our profitability won't be hurt. The 60-seconds has been sold for a short tribute to 'Woman of the Year' Caitlyn Jenner."
In related news, French Ambassador to the United States Gerard Araud ridiculed GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump's assertion that if some of the French victims of the recent ISIS attack had been armed lives could have been saved, saying that "Monsieur Trump has been unduly influenced by John Wayne movies. France is not the 'wild west.' We would rather be shot than engage in uncivilized gun-play. It is better to die with dignity than stoop to such barbaric behavior." An unimpressed Trump tweeted "I suppose we owe France an apology for the 'barbaric' American troops' 'gun-play' that liberated them from the Nazis."