SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: January 3, 2016 Edition
Hillary Doubles Down on Benghazi Lies
Despite substantial evidence to the contrary, former Secretary of State and current contender for the Democratic Party's presidential nomination Hillary Clinton insists that she is the one telling the truth about the terrorist attack that killed four Americans in Benghazi in 2012.
In an interview with the editorial board of New Hampshire's Conway Daily Sun this week she rebuffed the evidence and blandly maintained that "I am the one telling the truth. Those who find the mutually corroborated stories being told by the grieving relatives of those killed in the attack persuasive are letting their hearts overrule their heads. These people were emotionally distraught. They wanted someone to blame other than their deceased loved ones. I was a convenient scapegoat for their misdirected anger."
The anger was misdirected, Clinton explained, "because if the men who ignored the order to stand down had obeyed it they would not have put themselves in harm's way. Without their armed intervention Ambassador Stevens would have simply been captured. He could have later been exchanged for the release of a few Gitmo detainees like Sgt. Bergdahl was in 2014. So, clearly those self-appointed 'cowboys' bear the brunt of the culpability for what happened."
Clinton characterized the "video protest gone bad" story as "a white lie aimed at sparing these families from the harsher truth. Tactful untruths are the very essence of the kind of diplomacy that the job of Secretary of State requires. I shouldn't be pilloried for my deployment of diplomacy as a gesture of kindness and compassion toward the relatives of those who died as a result of their own imprudent disobedience."
In related news, a study commissioned by the Wall Street Journal found a striking correlation between speaking fees paid to former President Bill Clinton and official actions taken by the US Department of State that were favorable toward those countries and organizations paying those fees. Clinton campaign spokesman Brian Fallon assured that "there is no documentary proof that the $23 million that changed hands had any direct effect on any State Department actions during Secretary Clinton's tenure there. Besides, who wouldn't be willing to pay a million dollars for a one-hour speech by this illustrious former US President?"
Jackson, Mississippi Councilman Urges Constituents to Attack Police
Kenneth Stokes, a councilman in the City of Jackson, Mississippi's Third Ward, urged residents to "violently oppose police intrusion into our neighborhood." Stokes was especially concerned with police pursuit of suspects fleeing from crime scenes in nearby white neighborhoods.
"Brothers who have successfully fled to Black neighborhoods should be protected against police brutality by the righteous defense of our turf," Stokes asserted. "We need to take heed of how Muslim communities in cities in Europe have defended their turf from the intrusion of infidel police. We need to end the knee-jerk submission to white standards and values and uphold our community's right to live by standards we choose."
"Just because a Black has been accused of unlawfully expropriating white property, assaulting white folks, or even murdering them doesn't mean that white police should have free reign to accost Blacks and pursue them whenever and wherever they want," Stokes said. "If our brothers can make it across the line to our Ward we ought to give them sanctuary from white persecution."
Stokes denied that he was making the city less safe and contended that "if we redirect the initiative of our youth toward taking back the ill-gotten gains of our white oppressors, the Third Ward will become a safer place for Blacks. Black-on-Black crime will diminish. Fewer homes will be burglarized. Fewer Blacks will be mugged on our streets. The Third Ward will become a haven where Black lives matter."
Turkey's President Sees Nazi Germany as Model for His Country
Turkey's President Recep Tayyip Erdo?an says he hopes to revamp his country's constitution to establish a presidential unitary state like the one used in Germany from 1933 to 1945—the period when Adolf Hitler ruled and led the country into a disastrous attempt to conquer Europe. Erdo?an blamed the ill-advised decisions of Hitler for World War II, not the constitutional framework constructed by the Nazis.
"Placing all power in the hands of a single man avoids the inherent inefficiencies of parliamentary government," Erdo?an argued. "The clashing personalities of a multi-membered governing body like parliament impede expeditious action. Indecisive and lengthy debates clog the system. Placing all power in the hands of the president side steps these clashes and clears the way for action."
Erdo?an insisted that he would not make the same mistakes that Hitler made "because unlike Hitler, I have the Quran to guide me. I am not a self-indulgent megalomaniac, but a true believer in the word of Allah. Freed from impositions of a legislative body modeled on western ideology I will be better positioned to lead Islam to universal rule over all mankind."
European Governments Perplexed on How to Deal with Refugee Crime Wave
A surge in crimes committed by Muslim refugees in Germany and elsewhere has European governments perplexed over how to cope. Thanks to Muslim immigration, Sweden is now the western world's leader in rape. Similar surges in sexual assault, beatings and thefts by recent immigrants in other countries have sparked widespread fear among indigenous inhabitants.
German Minister of Information Hansel Verbrecher described his government's dilemma as "a clash of cultural values. As Muslims see it, an uncovered woman is a sinner, at best. If she is also an unbeliever, the Quran says it is just for a Muslim to rape or kill her. Likewise, under Islamic law Muslims are entitled to seize the property of unbelievers. While these beliefs contradict what we normally expect from our citizens, do we have the moral right to impose our values on an unwilling Muslim resident?"
Verbrecher tentatively praised Norway's efforts to educate Muslim immigrants by providing voluntary classes aimed at discouraging Muslim men from raping Norwegian women. "At least they're offering an option, though at the latest report few Muslims attend, and that seems mostly for the free food offered," Verbrecher said. "I suppose we could do the same in Germany, but I'm not optimistic it will accomplish the desired results."
Amad Atakir, a recent immigrant to Germany from Syria, rejected the notion that he might have to adapt to European customs. "The only law is Allah's law," Atakir proclaimed. "No government laws that contradict Allah's laws can be accepted. Allah gave the Earth to his followers. The sooner the Germans and others recognize this and submit to Islam the sooner there can be peace under a unified faith."
In related news, New York City's public schools are weighing Muslim demands that school lunches comply with halal regulations. Councilman Rafael Espinal, Jr. (Brooklyn) is sponsoring a city ordinance that would mandate halal food in the schools and defended the disparate handing of requests for kosher food, saying that "there is no risk that any Jews will try to kill us for refusing their request. I am not as confident that Muslims would exercise the same kind of self-restraint."
NYC Adopts Draconian Penalty for Offending Transgenders
In an effort to discipline its inhabitants into respecting transgender preferences, the New York City Commission on Human Rights updated the City's discrimination rules to incorporate a $250,000 fine for failure to use an individual's desired gender-based pronoun when addressing that person either orally or in writing.
The new rule is more complex than simply using cues from the way a person is dressed to guess whether to refer to that person as "he" or "she." A whole panoply of possible pronouns is covered by the ordinance. These include he/him/his, she/her/hers, as well as others such as they/them/theirs or ze/hir.
NYC Councilman Fernando Cabrera called the severe penalties "essential if we are to break people's habits of carelessly throwing around 'he' or 'she' based merely upon a person's actual sexual anatomy. Person's who are comfortable with their birth sex don't realize how hard it is for those who aren't. Ideally, common courtesy should guide the fortunate majority to comply with the wishes of the unfortunate minority. However, since there are still pockets of ignorance and resistance to these wishes government needs to take corrective action."
Obama Administration Sets New Record for Executive Action
As 2015 drew to a close, the Obama Administration reached new highs in the number of regulations issued by the Executive branch. For the year, over 81,000 pages of new rules made their way into the Federal Register. This marked the third time in seven years—also a record—that the Administration added more than 80,000 pages of new regs.
While those concerned with the Constitution's separation of powers voiced some discomfort with this tide of legislation through executive fiat, Congress, for the most part did little to try to thwart it. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell excused his chamber's inaction saying "my hands were tied. Sure, I had the majority behind me, but Senate tradition allows a minority to block action via the filibuster. All I could do was acquiesce to the President's agenda if I wanted to ensure that the government's access to the resources it needs to implement that agenda remained viable."
Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest gloated that "we promised that the President would use his pen to bypass Congressional opposition. For all McConnell's and Boehner's huffing-and-puffing they showed themselves impotent to counter President Obama's transformation of how the federal government gets things done. We haven't yet silenced the fruitless debates of an obsolete Congress, but we have rendered them moot. Future generations will enjoy the superior efficiency of one-man rule from here on out."
Dems Craft Bill Criminalizing Anti-Muslim Speech
Rep. Donald Beyer (D-VA), along with 82 co-sponsors from the Democratic Party, introduced House Resolution 569. This legislation makes hateful rhetoric towards Muslims a crime in the United States. Beyer contends that "this legislation is needed to head-off the abuse of this beleaguered minority before it becomes entrenched."
Religion-based hate crimes against Jews in the United States are five times as common as hate crimes against Muslims. Still, Beyer defended singling out crimes against Muslims for greater attention contending that "it's too late for us to try to undo centuries of anti-Semitism, especially if doing so would further inflame Muslims to whom the Jews are an ancient and despised enemy."
Beyer expressed the hope "that by codifying anti-Muslim prejudice into our laws as an illegal act we are building a bridge that could lead to greater understanding between us and them. If we show that the government takes their fears seriously, that the government is 'on their side,' we may lessen the need for them to take matters into their own hands and seek revenge via mass murder of innocent civilians."
In related news, Sheikh Muhammad Ayed, Imam of the Al-Aqsa mosque in Jerusalem, urged Muslim refugees to "conquer the west by out-breeding them. In time, Muslims will become the majority and can vote for an Islamic caliphate to replace their current rotten constitutional democracies." Secretary of State John Kerry labeled the plan "an ingenious and invincible strategy. Once they have the votes to do this its 'game over' for all non-Muslims. Everyone will either have to convert or accept second-class citizen status. I don't see anyway we can stop this from happening."