SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: January 10, 2016 Edition
German Government Flummoxed by Muslim New Year's Eve Assaults
On New Year's Eve, gangs of Muslims immigrants accosted, groped, assaulted, robbed, and raped women in Berlin, Cologne, Hamburg, Stuttgart, and Dusseldorf, Germany. Local police were unwilling or unable to come to the aid of victims, complaining that "there were too many offenders for us to contend with. They were throwing rocks and bottles at us. It was just too dangerous for us to get involved."
Cologne Mayor Henriette Reker saw her city's police's inability to intervene as "a blessing in disguise. What we really have here is a clash of cultures. In the Muslim community only prostitutes and immoral women are out in public in the state of undress that we have become accustomed to tolerating in our society. Fondling such women, raping them, and robbing them is permitted or possibly even commanded by the Quran and other Islamic scriptures."
"Rather than try to coerce these immigrants into abiding by our values it seems more prudent that we take the steps necessary to avoid these kinds of incidents in the future," Reker advised. "At a minimum, German women could do a better job of covering themselves when out in public. Better still, women should never venture out without being accompanied by a male protector—a husband, father, or brother. If we simply take these few sensible precautions we can learn to live in peace with our new neighbors."
Ralf Jaeger, German interior minister for North Rhine-Westphalia, decried German anger over the assaults as "incendiary rhetoric that can only magnify the cultural differences between ethnic Germans and recent immigrants." Jaeger called on the media "to suppress the kind of hate speech that targets the beliefs and behaviors that are out-of-step with traditional German norms. As uncomfortable as it may be, we must learn to live in a world of diversity. Embracing and celebrating this diversity is the more progressive stance."
In related news, the Ottawa, Canada Children's Choir welcomed refugees by singing Islamic prayer Tala' al-Badru 'Alayna during a holiday concert. The song praises the slaughter of Jewish and Christian men and the raping of Jewish and Christian women by Muslims as "the path to paradise for true believers." Choir director Robert Filion urged that "we look beyond the specific words, bad as they might be, and accept the choir's performance as an effort to foster diversity and cultural inclusion."
Dem Calls Congress' Repeal of Obamacare and Defunding of Planned Parenthood "Un-Christian"
Rep. Steve Cohen (D-Tenn) denounced the passage of a bill that would repeal the Affordable Care Act and defund Planned Parenthood as "profoundly un-Christian."
"The objection that the President's health care legislation is too costly and too coercive rejects the message Jesus tried to impart to his followers," Cohen maintained. "First of all, money is issued by the government. As such, aren't Christians instructed to render this money to the government if called upon to do so? Jesus didn't say it would be okay to resist taxes because they might be excessive or involuntary."
"Second, even if we were to accept the premise that aborting babies was a crime, did not Jesus command his followers to 'turn the other cheek?'" Cohen remembered. "As I understand it, it is not a Christian's place to strike back at those who smite the pre-born. It is his religious obligation to forgive his enemies."
Cohen did take comfort from the assurance that "this sacrilegious affront from GOP lawmakers who profess to be Christians will be stricken down by the righteous hand of President Obama."
In related news, the Obama Administration asked the US Supreme Court to invalidate a Texas statute requiring that abortion facilities in the state meet minimal medical standards. U.S. Solicitor General Donald Verrilli, Jr. asserted that "insisting that abortion clinics meet hospital-like ambulatory surgical center standards and that doctors working in the clinics have admitting privileges at a hospital within 30 miles is unduly burdensome. The purpose of an abortion is to end a life. Doctors should not be forced to abide by the same sanitary procedures mandated for surgeries intended to save a life. If women choose to freely accept the risks, the state has no call to compel safety frills that will add unnecessary costs to the abortion procedures."
Hillary Campaign Calls Classification Rules "Dumb"
A revelation from the latest batch of emails from former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's unsecured private server indicating that she explicitly instructed a subordinate to bypass classification regulations was brushed off as "a phony scandal" by her campaign.
Campaign Manager Robbie Mook admitted that "by all appearances this would seem a violation of the rules. However, if we closely examine the circumstances we can see in this instance, following the rules would've been just dumb."
"Look, the issue was the transmission of the 'talking points' for Secretary Clinton to use in promulgating the false cover story blaming the video for the Benghazi incident," Mook pointed out. "The notion that transmitting a fictional description of actual events could somehow endanger national security is ridiculous."
"Secretary Clinton made the same kind of executive decision to ignore inappropriate and nonsensical rules that President Obama has made on numerous occasions," Mook contended. "She should not be pilloried for following the example set by the nation's Commander-in-Chief."
Mook similarly dismissed rumors that Mrs. Clinton could face charges of improper disclosure or retention of classified information, destruction of government records, lying to federal agents, lying under oath, and obstruction of justice, calling the alleged actions "a normal part of the governing process. Lying has long been a key tool of the art of diplomacy. As the nation's chief diplomat, Secretary Clinton cannot have been expected to abstain from using this tool to protect the government's policies from unwanted criticism."
In related news, Mook also declined the challenge from Charles Woods—father of Tyrone Woods—for Clinton to take a lie detector test to determine who is telling the truth about what was said when Clinton met with the Benghazi victims' families shortly after the September 2012 attack. "Mr. Woods has already had his 15 minutes of fame," Mook said. "We see no need to extend those minutes by allowing this pathetic attention-seeking nobody to parasitically attach himself to deserved renown earned by Mrs. Clinton over decades of public service. Besides, there's no point to it. Lie detector tests aren't admissible in court."
Tearful Obama Enacts More Gun Controls
Determined not to let an uncooperative Congress impede necessary gun controls, a teary President Obama announced a new round of executive legislation aimed at reducing gun violence. While his actions lack Constitutional or statutory authority, the President claimed to be "taking the moral high ground" and alleged that "90% of Americans agree with me."
The gist of the President's initiative is to "gum up the works as much as possible in order to make the acquisition of a gun a lengthy, tedious, and frustrating undertaking. Even if all we accomplish is to prevent one person from obtaining a firearm that they otherwise would have we will have succeeded in making the country safer."
Whether Obama's prescription would really make the country safer was called into question by a report just published by the Crime Prevention Research Center. This report concludes that "despite the frequent calls for expanded background checks after mass public shootings, there is no evidence that background checks on private transfers of guns would have prevented any of the attacks that have taken place since at least 2000 and that there is no statistical evidence that proves the mass public shootings are rarer in states with background checks on private transfers."
The President characterized the report as "out of line with my thinking and beliefs" and discounted the possibility that more weapons in the hands of law-abiding citizens could actually reduce carnage. "If only the criminal has a gun maybe no one gets shot if the victim doesn't resist," he reasoned. "But if both the criminal and victim have guns two people could get shot. Anyway I look at it, this is a worse outcome."
In support of his action, Obama cited "the remarkable success China has achieved by keeping guns out of the hands of private citizens" and contended that "it seems to me that this is a model we should emulate."
Sanders' Campaigns Diverted Funds to Personal Use
According to an investigation by the Washington Free Beacon, Democratic presidential candidate Sen Bernie Sanders's spouse Jane O'Meara Sanders, and stepdaughter, Carina Driscoll, both drew sizable salaries from Sanders's House campaigns between 2000 and 2004.
Presidential campaign Press Secretary, Symone Sanders denied there was any scandal in how prior campaign donations have been deployed. "All of this money was freely given to him by his supporters," she pointed out. "Obviously, they could afford it."
Ms. Sanders also argued that "it proves that Bernie is the 'family values' candidate. A man who takes care of his own family as well as Bernie has shows he understands the importance of ensuring a good life for his dependents. If he is elected president everyone American will become a member of his national family. Is there any doubt that he wouldn't see to their needs? And with the entire wealth of the country at his disposal voters can look forward to receiving a fairer share than they have been getting so far."