SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: January 17, 2016 Edition
NY Dems Demand Conservatives Leave State
While at odds over whether the State or the City should get to expropriate citizens' wealth, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo (D) and New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio (D) both agree that "there is no place in the state for 'conservative extremists.'"
The extreme views deemed by Cuomo to be "not who New Yorkers are," include "opposition to abortion, refusal to accept gay marriage as the law of the land, and an anachronistic attachment to the notion that access to guns for self-defense can be tolerated in today's world."
"These extreme views go beyond the bounds of civil disagreement and create a schism that endangers the very fabric of society," Cuomo contended. "It would be best if those holding unacceptable political positions were to remove themselves from the state before something awful happens."
"We all understand there's a right to free speech," de Blasio said. "But the Governor is right. As chief executives of our respective jurisdictions we have a duty to protect citizens from having to listen to 'hateful words.' Those who characterize abortion as 'infanticide' hurt the feelings of the millions of New Yorkers who support this therapy for unwanted pregnancies. The fact that many who make such a characterization also support private ownership of firearms poses a threat to New Yorkers' values that government has an obligation to suppress."
Obama Rejects Idea that Women Should Arm Themselves
When a rape victim queried President Obama at his recent town hall meeting to promote his latest set of executive actions impeding acquisition of firearms by law-abiding citizens he rejected her notion that having a gun for her own protection was her best option.
"I'm sorry you were raped," the President told Kimberly Corban, "but fortunately you weren't killed. Most rape victims are not killed. If we allow you to have a weapon, though, the risk of someone getting killed jumps up to an unacceptable level. You acknowledge that your assailant was unarmed. You both came away from the encounter alive and without life-threatening injuries. I call that a 'win-win' outcome compared to what might have happened if you had pulled a gun to try to prevent the rape."
Corban, who has struggled with depression, PTSD and stress-related seizures since she was raped was neither persuaded nor mollified by the President's response or his reasoning. "The restrictions President Obama is adding make it harder for me to own a gun or harder for me to take that where I need to be is actually just making my kids and I less safe," she asserted. "His fear that I might accidentally shoot myself or, as he put it, 'unjustly impose a death penalty on my attacker' conveys a total lack of sympathy or understanding."
In related news, MSNBC decided not to do an interview with Juanita Broaddrick, a woman who says Bill Clinton raped her in 1978, "because, as it turns out it's just old news. The alleged rape took place nearly 40 years ago. The statute of limitations expired long ago," said network spokesman Moe Lester. "Even though it is candidate Hillary Clinton's position that 'every survivor of sexual assault deserves to be heard, believed, and supported,' we do not believe the current campaign should be diverted from more pressing issues by listening to an aged rape victim's accusations."
German Government Urges Non-Muslims to Stay off Streets "for Own Safety"
The German government's inability to cope with the flood of refugees Chancellor Angela Merkel invited into the country took an even more distressing turn when all non-Muslims were urged to stay off the streets for their own safety. Reports that police have been ordered not to interfere with unruly mobs of Muslim men out of fear that arresting these lawbreakers would be perceived as "racist" has left citizens and police uneasy.
"We thought we were letting in women and orphans as a humanitarian gesture, but 95% of the refugees appear to be footloose young men with no manners and no respect for the law," complained a frightened Berliner. "It's the worst things have been in Germany been since Soviet troops ravaged our cities and our women in 1945."
Frustrated police claim they are under pressure to falsify reports in order to make crimes seem less serious. "One refugee tried to cut another's throat," an officer requesting anonymity explained. "Normally, we'd write this up as 'attempted murder.' But the higher-ups told us to classify this as 'a minor scuffle with slight injuries.' Our basic rule of thumb is it's better to just let the perps run away."
Dept of Health and Human Services Hails Gains in Able-Bodied Adults on Food Stamps
Since President Obama took office the number of able-bodied-without-dependents who are receiving government food subsidies has soared by 370%. This increase in participation by persons who in another era would have been expected to fend for themselves was hailed as "great progress on the President's goal of transforming America," by Secretary of Health and Human Services Sylvia Burwell. "Relieved of the burden of feeding themselves, these individuals are free to pursue goals higher on Maslow's hierarchy of needs."
One of the favorite "higher goals" of this segment of the population is smoking. Fully 50% of the subsidized beneficiaries are smokers and spend about $111 per month on the habit.
Unfazed by the food subsidy's enabling recipients to indulge in unhealthy behavior, Burwell boasted that "we also have a vigorous anti-smoking educational campaign to try to offset this unfortunate byproduct of what everyone recognizes as an essential humanitarian undertaking. And if our education efforts fail, fiscal hawks ought to appreciate the budgetary advantages of earlier mortality among those who do smoke."
Planned Parenthood Sues Anti-Abortion Group
Planned Parenthood (PP) has filed suit against the Center for Medical Progress (CMP) alleging that "CMP has callously and covertly exposed us to suspicion and ridicule by airing private negotiations for the illegal sale of body parts salvaged from terminated fetuses."
The suit alleged irreparable harm including "loss of taxpayer funding of abortions in some states, a decline in donations from benefactors horrified by the videos' portrayal of dismembered fetuses, insensitive Planned Parenthood officials and their rampant enthusiasm for turning unwanted human waste into useful items like expensive cars and bonuses for Planned Parenthood personnel."
Congresswoman Diane Black (R-Tenn) labeled the suit "an attempt to intimidate Planned Parenthood's critics. Most of America was appalled to learn of the crass and cruel practices going on at Planned Parenthood. Most of America is opposed to forcing taxpayers to subsidize the human sacrifice taking place behind closed doors of this manager of abattoirs for the most helpless of our species."
Cecile Richards, President of Planned Parenthood Federation of America argued that "regardless of whether the activities disclosed in the videos is criminal, there is a proper procedure for going forward. That procedure requires that a warrant be obtained before any taping is done. This procedure protects the rights of mafia racketeers and it also protects the private dealings of Planned Parenthood. The so-called evidence obtained by CMP was not undertaken after a judge-approved warrant. It is, therefore 'fruit from the tainted tree' and inadmissible as evidence of any wrongdoing by Planned Parenthood. At the same time, it is irrefutable proof that CMP has grossly invaded Planned Parenthood's privacy."
The suit demands that "all of CMP's videos be erased, all its assets be seized and confiscated, and that all the principals at CMP be punished to the maximum extent permitted by law."
In related news, Hillary Clinton vowed to make abortions free if she is elected president later this year. "Rich people who can afford to pay can have all the abortions they want," Clinton pointed out. "Poor people shouldn't have fewer rights just because they can't afford to pay for their abortions. It is government's obligation to ensure equal rights for all. I will guarantee that abortion is a right that no one has to pay for when I'm president."
Sanders Refuses to Explain How He will Pay for All the Free Stuff He's Promising
Socialist candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders refused to answer any questions about how his Administration will pay for the plethora of taxpayer-subsidized loot he is promising to voters, saying that "it would spoil the surprise."
"Does anyone demand that Santa Claus lay out a budget for all the gifts he gives?" Sanders wanted to know. "On one level, it would be rude to look a gift horse in the mouth. From a more practical standpoint, if I tip my hand ahead of time the people I'm going to ask to bear the expense may try to move their property out of my reach."
The candidate contended that "it should be enough for voters to know that I will be taking from those who have more than they should in order to give to those who have less than they should. People should have faith that their government can be trusted to do the right thing. I am the candidate who will restore that faith."
Pelosi Justifies $150 Billion Payout to Iran
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) acknowledged that "Iran may do bad things with the $150 billion that will be released to them as part of the deal negotiated by the Obama Administration.
"Will they fund terrorist cells?" Pelosi asked. "Undoubtedly, but these terrorists will only kill thousands. A nuclear weapon could kill millions. Under this premise, paying billions that would enable terrorists to kill thousands seems a worthwhile trade off."
"Sometimes you've got to make a deal with the devil," she added. "For example, look at the deal Chamberlain made with Hitler in 1938. A small sliver of land in Czechoslovakia was ceded to Germany. Did Germany do bad things to the people living in this land? Yes, but the deal bought almost a year's worth of peace before the start of World War II. In the Iran deal we're buying ten year's worth of peace at the risk of a few thousand casualties. It's clear to me that we're making a good purchase."
Obama Blames Economic Stagnation on Republicans Behaving Selfishly
Rather than consider the possibility that the sluggish performance of the economy during his presidency may have something to do with his policies, President Obama blamed everything on "the GOP's selfish unwillingness to accept the will of the people and support my agenda."
It is difficult to grasp the President's logic, though, since Congress, both before and after the GOP had the majority, has essentially acquiesced in every one of the President's budget requests and has failed to block any of the Administration's regulatory initiatives or executive actions.
"The GOP leadership in Congress may have funded the programs, but they refused to silence their Party's extremists who continually railed against what they called tyranny," Obama complained. "This undermined the faith of the people in their government and bred a fatal skepticism that questioned the wisdom of an expansive, humane, and nurturing state."
The President acknowledged that "I didn't exploit all of my options to the fullest extent. We let the IRS intimidate conservative opponents of my agenda, but we could've gone further. The FBI has a rich lode of embarrassing information that we did not use as assiduously as we might have. And there were options that I, as Commander-in-Chief could have ordered our military to carry out against these domestic enemies."
In related news, Obama vowed he would veto legislation introduced by House Oversight Committee Chairman Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-Utah) that would reduce presidential pensions for those making more than $400,000 per year after leaving office. "Cutting my pension based on the premise that the millions I expect to earn from books and speeches means I don't need the money is unfair," Obama complained. "I earned that pension from eight years of selfless public service. It is not the government's role to supplant the rewards I'm owed for my effort by redistributing public funds due me based on someone else's arbitrary notion about what I don't need. That's socialism. I won't stand for it."