SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: February 14, 2016 Edition
Mosque Weapon Seizure Called Discriminatory
Raids by French authorities have resulted in the confiscation of hundreds of war-grade weapons from numerous mosques throughout the country. The raids were inspired by the November 13th Islamic terrorist attack that killed 130 people in Paris.
The raids were denounced as discriminatory by Imam Aliki Kilyu. "We would never see the government raiding churches and confiscating crucifixes," he complained. "By singling out the holy places of Muslims for their intrusions these kafirs have disrespected the beliefs of Islam."
Kilyu rebuffed contentions that crucifixes and weapons cannot be compared. "Christians are the ones who believe in turning the other cheek. The crucifix is a symbol of their god sacrificing himself for this tenet of faith. Muslims are commanded by Allah to fight for Islam. Weapons are the instruments by which Muslims carry out this religious obligation. Government confiscation tramples on Muslims' freedom to freely practice their faith."
The Imam cited the revelation of seized recordings of chants glorifying martyrs who give their lives to slay unbelievers as "proof that the authorities knowingly violated one of the most sacred tenets of our faith. The West likes to hold itself up as a regime of tolerance for diversity, but when it comes to Islam their hypocrisy is on display for all to see."
As if to reassure non-Muslims, Kilyu promised that "the path to peace is clearly spelled out in the Quran. Once the world is conquered for the faith of Allah everyone can live in peace under the laws laid down by the Prophet. Refusal of the infidels to submit compels we Muslim faithful to continue the fight. The blood is on their hands."
In related news, Imam Oussama El-Saadi declared Denmark's efforts to prevent Muslim men from acquiring child brides "an intolerable invasion of religious freedom. Older men choosing young girls to be their wives is part of our culture. The Prophet (may peace be upon him) was wed to his favorite wife when she was only six years old. That Muslim men would seek to emulate the behavior of the perfect man should not be impeded by sacrilegious infidel interference. What the West doesn't understand is that it is better for a girl to be owned by one man than to be available for rape by many men, as is also the custom in our culture."
Obama Admin Pushes to Disarm Seniors
Utilizing his executive authority, President Obama has instructed the Social Security Administration to crack down on elderly firearms ownership. Acting Commissioner Carolyn Colvin explained that "this population cohort is marked by disproportionate incidences of subnormal intelligence, mental illness, incompetency, poor health, and disease. Are such people the kind we want to entrust with guns?"
Colvin tried to characterize the move as "basically a humanitarian one. People prone to dementia because of age may harm themselves or others. Taking weapons out of their hands will spare the nation a lot of heartbreak." She also cited the success of a similar program that has been underway at the Veterans' Administration for several years.
"It's not a violation of the Second Amendment because it's a health issue, not a right to bear arms issue," Colvin contended. "There's no way these physically decrepit individuals are going to be part of a well-regulated militia. So, they have no constitutional right to bear arms. On the other hand, the government has a constitutional obligation to promote the general welfare. Barring these individuals from committing mayhem with guns they don't need fulfills this obligation."
In related news, a Pennsylvania Democratic candidate for Congress vows to ban semi-automatic weapons if elected, claiming that "using such a weapon in self-defense is unsporting. Too often it creates an imbalance in firepower between an assailant and the intended victim. Since most robberies entail a transfer from richer to poorer it is socially unjust for the haves to be allowed to out gun the have-nots."
NARAL Irked by Doritos Ad
The National Abortion Rights Action League (NARAL) expressed its disgust with a Doritos commercial aired during the Super Bowl. In the ad an unborn baby being viewed on an ultrasound acrobatically responds to the proximity of the corn chip.
NARAL found this ad "an offensive anthropomorphisation of fetal tissue. By falsely attributing human-like responses to uterine contents the ad undermines the public perception that abortion is merely a medical procedure necessary to protecting women's health."
"Even worse, the ad bolsters anti-choice elements who in state after state have attempted to mandate that mothers-to-be must view ultrasound images before being allowed to opt for an abortion," NARAL complained. "Seeing an image that looks like a baby introduces an added complication to the decision to terminate a pregnancy. That the manufacturers of Doritos would so blithely wade into this controversy for the crass purpose of selling an unhealthy product is shameful."
Sanders Says Making Everything Free Is Key to Efficient Government
In response to fears that his expansive plans for government will be prohibitively expensive, Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) argued that "abolishing money will go a long way toward making government more efficient."
"If people would only stop to consider how time-consuming it is to have to keep track of the flow of money they'd understand the tremendous efficiencies that will be achieved once we do away with it," Sanders imagined. "For the individual, all the headaches entailed in managing money—having it on hand, balancing a checkbook, paying bills—will be eliminated. If you need something you'll just go to a store and pick it up or order it over the phone for delivery. The government will cover all the costs."
"For businesses, cashiers, accountants, and financiers will all be unnecessary, as will security," Sanders continued. "All any business will have to do is move the merchandise delivered to them by the government to locations where customers can pick out what they want. Since profits will also be abolished businesses won't have to file taxes or pay dividends to investors. Government will be the only investor and it's strictly non-profit."
"For government, the IRS will be disbanded, as will the Treasury," Sanders promised. "All resources will be allocated by skilled experts who determine how much of each item is required to meet society's needs. Wasteful expenditures on unneeded frills will be a thing of the past. Each and every person will get exactly what he needs, no more, no less. Instead of people going to work because they have to, they'll go to work because they want to contribute their fair share to the collective well-being of all."
One idea Sanders said he is mulling over is a "universal draft, not just for men, not just for young people, but for everyone. Right now our society suffers from poor allocation of human resources. A lot of people are stuck in jobs for which they are unsuited. If everyone were subject to a draft that would allow the government to ensure that each person is assigned to the tasks that would best serve society. No one would be unemployed. No one would be left in doubt about how he could best be used for the common good. All would be assigned a role on the national team that the head coach (me) and assistant coaches in my cabinet choose for them."
In related news, Wall Street and the Federal Reserve are looking to hasten the removal of cash from our economy. In a closed-door meeting the abolition of cash was urged as a method for strengthening the government's control over the economy. "Lack of faith in the economy has spurred a huge hoarding of cash," admitted one meeting participant. "That's blocking the implementation of the negative interest rates that experts agree are necessary to stimulate spending. If cash were eliminated everyone's bank account could be effectively 'taxed' by negative rates. This would induce people to spend their money before it loses value. A side benefit is that this would also ease pressure on banks and allow them to wiggle out of the bind that reckless lending has gotten them into."
Democrats Want Tax-Funded Lawyers for Illegals
Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) has introduced legislation that would fund lawyers who assist illegal aliens to avoid deportation.
"Look, these immigrants have undertaken lengthy and sometimes dangerous journeys to get here," Reid said. "It would be a shame to see all of that effort go to waste just because they've entered the country illegally. There are a variety of stratagems that lawyers can use to help these people evade that fate. But lawyers won't work for free and these immigrants are too poor to pay their fees. My bill will put the financial burden where it belongs—on the taxpayers of America."
"The US Constitution directs the government to secure the blessings of liberty to our posterity," Reid pointed out. "Since native-born Americans aren't reproducing at a rate sufficient to ensure a robust posterity the importation of immigrants willing and able to take on this role is imperative if we are to survive as a nation. Any assistance we can render to enable immigrants to move about the country and fill vacancies left by natives seems a prudent course for advancing this survival."
In related news, Reid raised the specter of a brokered Democratic Convention to choose the Party's presidential nominee. "Neither of the two leading candidates is an attractive option," Reid admitted. "Sanders is almost as old as me and I'm pretty worn out. If we choose him it could poison the well that has landed the Party big money from the financial industry. On the flip side Hillary's got a boatload of potential legal problems. Sure, President Obama could preemptively pardon her, but that's a dicey move from a PR standpoint. Making a deal that settles on a fresh face may be the way to go. Besides, it could be both profitable and fun."