SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: April 3, 2016 Edition
Rove Calls for "Fresh Face" to Get GOP Nomination
Karl Rove, former campaign adviser to President George W. Bush, suggested that "Republicans need to look outside the current crop of candidates vying for the Party's nomination and pick a 'fresh face' if we are to have any hope of winning against Hillary Clinton in November."
"Look, the guy with the most delegates is a gaffe machine with little grasp of the way government works," Rove contended. "On top of that he has disturbingly negative favorability ratings. A majority of voters can't stand him. I don't see any way he can win in November."
"As for the others who've run against him for the nomination, the fact that they all got fewer votes than Trump kind of disqualifies all of them," Rove added. "They are all proven losers to an awful candidate. We should look past this pool of weak candidates and pick an outsider who hasn't already been rejected by voters."
Among the "outsiders" who ought to be considered, Rove mentioned "Gov. Mitt Romney who ran a strong race against a sitting president in 2012, rising legislative star Paul Ryan, and Georgia Gov. Nathan Deal who recently courageously vetoed a so-called religious liberty bill that was discriminatory against gay rights."
Donald Trump denounced "Rove's plot to steal the nomination" and expressed a desire "to punch this smug little bastard in the face or maybe sue him." Second place delegate winner Texas Sen. Ted Cruz called Rove's suggestion "an attack on me and my family" and alleged that "there is no doubt in my mind that Donald Trump's henchmen are behind it."
In related news, Trump campaign official Karen Giorno characterized Cruz's joke on the Jimmy Kimmel Show that he might press the accelerator instead of the brake and run Trump over with his car, as a "death threat." Cruz campaign Communications Director Alice Stewart clarified her candidate's jibe stating that "Sen. Cruz would only do this if necessary to stop Trump from testing his theory that he could shoot someone on 5th Avenue without it affecting his vote totals." Stewart admitted, though, that "the odds that Ted would be behind the wheel of a car on 5th Ave. at the precise moment he would need to be are vanishingly small."
Hillary Says Constitution Guarantees Right to Abortion
Former Secretary of State and current Contender for the Democratic presidential nomination Hillary Clinton told voters this week that "the right to an abortion is a fundamental human right guaranteed by the US Constitution" and that "neither Congress nor any state has the authority to abridge or limit this right."
The Constitutional clause cited by the candidate was Article III, Section 2. "The Founders, in their wisdom, affirmed that under our government, 'judicial power shall extend to all,'" Clinton said. "This established the Court as the final arbiter of everyone's rights. Consequently, the Court's 1973 grant of the right to abortion is immune from the tampering of those motivated by political ambition."
Clinton emphasized that "this omnipotent role of the Court makes it all the more important that voters elect a person who is pledged to appoint justices that will ensure that the Roe v. Wade decision is not overturned. I am that person. We must not let the enemies of abortion succeed in criminalizing this vital medical procedure by imposing punishments on the women who exercise this right or the heroic doctors who work to fulfill it."
Administration Efforts to Eliminate "Red Tape" Costly
President Obama's touted plan to reduce government red tape appears to have both increased the cost of government AND the time and effort required to comply with regulations. According to the American Action Forum, measures put into place by the Administration have added a net $23 billion in costs and nearly nine million hours of extra paperwork on businesses, individuals, and government to comply with the "reforms."
Press Secretary Josh Earnest defended the Administration's efforts, saying that "a simplistic calculation of the costs and burdens unfairly muddles the distinction between eliminating bad regulations and replacing them with good regulations. The net costs and man-hours may have gone up, but the gains in good regulations may outweigh those added burdens."
Most of the added burdens have been imposed by the Department of Health and Human Services as it has struggled to implement Obamacare, a situation that Earnest called "warranted. What the Administration's critics overlook is that moving the critical decision-making authority out of the selfish hands of doctors and patients and into the hands of socially-conscious government-appointed experts is a complex endeavor that is well worth the cost. An anarchic individualized system is being supplanted by one focused on the collective well being of an entire society. I can't see how it wouldn't be worth it no matter how high the price."
In related news, disappointment with the failure of schools to universally fall in line behind Michelle Obama's dictates on proper lunch nutritional standards, the U.S. Department of Agriculture's Food and Nutrition Service is proposing a "schedule of fines for noncompliance." Administrator Audrey Rowe stated "we're losing patience with those who won't voluntarily do the right thing. Maybe it's time we use the 'stick' to get their attention."
Bill Would Ease Way for Prosecution of Climate Deniers
The Climate Science Truth & Accountability Act, a bill introduced by California state Sen. Ben Allen (D-Santa Monica) would expand state and local government's attorneys' power to crack down on global warming critics. Under the bill, the statute of limitations would be extended to 30 years so that the California attorney general, 58 county district attorneys and the city attorneys of every city with more than 750,000 people would have a bigger window of opportunity to launch investigations, lawsuits, and prosecutions against climate change critics.
"We cannot allow the biggest criminals against humanity to escape punishment just because of the passage of time," Allen asserted. "The scope of harm done by other felons is narrow. A thief or rapist victimizes a far smaller number of people than the person who impedes timely action against global warming by misleading voters to oppose policies that are necessary to curb the ravages of climate change."
The Senator rebuffed arguments that his bill would further criminalize freedom of speech. "Freedom of speech is not a blank check," Allen said. "The government has an obligation to protect citizens from harmful and misleading statements. As elected representatives it is our responsibility to stand against the advocates of malicious anti-social doctrines that conflict with the general welfare of the community."
North Korean Government Advises Population to "Brace for Famine"
Calling the road to revolution "long and arduous," the state-run Rodong Sinmun newspaper advised readers to "brace for famine." The "bracing" is expected to entail the people "chewing the roots of plants once again." In addition, the country is requiring all residents to deliver about 2 lb. of rice to state warehouses each month.
The rice levy is needed to ensure that the country's 300 lb. leader—Kim Jong-un—is able to "maintain his strength in the battle against capitalist imperialism. We cannot allow hunger to undermine his ability to continue to make progress toward the socialist future we are all striving to achieve."
Kim has also demanded half a million tons of food aid from other countries, warning that "we have the power to launch a preemptive nuclear strike against anyone who withholds the aid our people need. Denial of assistance at a time of dire need is the worst kind of capitalistic exploitation." Thus far, this threat has only elicited a meager 17,600 tons of the 500,000 tons demanded by the regime.
DHS Secretary Says Illegal Aliens Are "in Effect" US Citizens
Department of Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson dismissed the possibility of deporting those entering the country illegally as "impractical. For all intents and purposes the 11 million already residing here are, in effect, US citizens."
Johnson also expressed his distaste at deporting alien criminals on the grounds that "it would be both cruel and unusual. The home countries to which they would be deported are already suffering under crime rates far higher than we have here in the United States. Even if letting them stay here raises our crime rates it seems to me that this would provide for a more fairly balanced distribution of criminal elements around the globe."
"Further, it would be highly unusual for us to unilaterally deport these people," Johnson continued. "European governments aren't deporting terrorists back to their Middle Eastern homelands. Just this week, Belgian officials acknowledged that terrorist cells are too big for the government to take action against. If Europeans can learn to live with foreign terrorists in their midst, surely we can learn to live with the lesser danger of abiding a few hundred foreign-born murderers living among us."
As Johnson sees it, "the whole issue may be moot anyway. As these resident aliens register to vote they will be helping select the people who run the government. If respecting the will of the people is to have any meaning in our democracy we need to respect these new voices and try to integrate them into our society."
In related news, Muslims living in the Detroit metro area lodged a protest against the Cherry Hill Presbyterian Church's annual Easter egg hunt, calling it "an offense to our religious beliefs." Parent Majed Moughni claimed his "children were discomfited by this intrusion. The invitation for all children, regardless of religious affiliation, to participate in this event exhibited an unconstitutional insensitivity to our religious beliefs."