SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: May 1, 2016 Edition
Obama Calls His Management of the US Economy "Best in Human History"
Despite declines in labor force participation, family income and home ownership juxtaposed to increases in poverty, debt, and health care costs, President Obama maintains that his Administration "probably managed the American economy better than any large economy on Earth in human history."
The President lambasted critics who cite GDP statistics that show Obama to be the only president that has failed to deliver even a single year of 3% growth—making his the worst performing administration since Herbert Hoover's during the early years of the Great Depression. "Growth and prosperity aren't the only metrics by which we should judge what has transpired," Obama argued. "Under my policies millions of Americans have been able to escape the rat race of wage-slavery and enjoy massive amounts of leisure time. Not since Lincoln have so many been liberated."
Obama singled out the movie The Big Short for special criticism calling its portrayal of the collapse of bad real estate loans "one sided. The narrow focus on the inability of lenders to make payments on their loans overlooks the fact that it was government pressure on the banks that enabled poor credit risks to join the ranks of home owners, if albeit only temporarily. Isn't it better to have owned and lost than never to have owned at all?"
"The real problem is that the banking reforms put in place by the Clinton Administration didn't go far enough," Obama contended. "If we had just taken that next logical step of eliminating the necessity to repay those mortgage loans we could have averted the foreclosure crisis that tipped the economy into recession in 2008."
Denmark Plagued by Migrant Crime Wave
The generosity of Danes opening their borders to immigrants from Muslim countries has been repaid by an astounding surge in crimes committed by these foreigners. Though these foreigners make up only 8% of the country's population they account for over 75% of the crimes committed and over 80% of those drawing unemployment benefits from the government.
Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders, who has frequently offered up Denmark as an exemplar of the kind of social policies we ought to adopt in the United States, professed himself "not the least bit disturbed by these results. Compared to the places these immigrants came from, Denmark is a very rich country. The redistribution of Danish wealth, whether by informal appropriation via theft or though the more organized method of taxation and funding of welfare benefits brings that country closer to the ideal of social justice."
"No one who has more than they need has the moral right to withhold that excess from others who have less," Sanders maintained. "Of course it is preferable that government oversee the transfer of material goods from the haves to the have-nots, but we mustn't be too harsh on those who grow impatient waiting for government to do the right thing and take action on their own."
In related news, anti-Trump Latinos shouting "make America Mexico again" went on a violent rampage bloodying Trump supporters and smashing car windows following the GOP candidate's rally in Costa Mesa, California this week. Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton blamed Trump "for creating the environment that inspires the desperate and dispossessed to resort to violence to achieve their objectives" and vowed to end the violence "by showing them that when I am president government will be on their side."
EPA Refuses to Pay Damages for Its Toxic Spill
Colorado Republicans blasted the EPA after an agency official refused to cover the full cost of damages done by the EPA's release of toxic sludge from the Gold King Mine last August contaminated water supplies in Colorado and New Mexico after spreading from the Animas River to the San Juan River.
EPA official Bill Murray explained that "people need to understand that when we took responsibility for the spill we were making a moral statement, not agreeing to compensate anyone for any injuries suffered. The government has 'sovereign immunity' and cannot be held liable without its consent. Obviously, we are not consenting to the demands of those who have been harmed by our actions."
Sen. Cory Gardner (R-Colo) characterized Murray's stance as "outrageous" and "another example of the Washington double standard. If a private firm or individual had been responsible for a spill of this magnitude the EPA would be coming down hard on them and demanding they make restitution to the victims of their negligence."
Murray countered by insisting that "the double standard is fully justified by the different motivations of private parties and the government. Private parties are out for profit. Imposing substantial monetary penalties on them is a useful and necessary corrective to their selfish behaviors. Government, on the other hand, is non-profit. Its concern is with the general welfare. Consequently, there is no need for financial penalties to be used in order to get government to do the right thing. It will do this on its own."
In related news, the EPA defied a Supreme Court stay against the agency's global warming Clean Power Plan (CPP). EPA Administrator Gina McCarthy asserted that "the Court's ruling is merely a legal opinion. The President has a different opinion. Under our Constitution's separation of powers he believes he is not obligated to submit to subjugation by either of the other two branches of our government. He will not willingly submit and there is no mechanism for the Court compel him to do so."
Hillary Floats Pair of Controversial Ideas
In a bid to solidify her leftist credentials, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton floated a couple of ridiculous ideas about how this country will improve when she is president.
On the urban violence front, Clinton proposes to "reset" the relationship between police and street gangs. "The knee jerk attitude of the average American toward urban gangs is that they are a bad thing," she observed. "What they overlook is that joining a gang is like having a family. It's feeling like you're part of something bigger than yourself. I think this is a positive thing. Another positive is that the youngsters learn valuable lessons like loyalty and how to handle weapons."
"The problem is that these gangs operate outside of the law," she continued. "We need to find a way of bringing them under the umbrella of the government's authorized use of force if society is to capitalize on the skills these young people have learned as gang members. I believe President Obama's idea of establishing a national police force would offer these otherwise outlaws an alternate path within the context of our social justice objectives."
On the domestic violence front, Clinton proposes "to expand upon the great strides President Obama has made in changing attitudes towards abortion. Ensuring that all heath insurance must cover abortions has compelled everyone to bear the burden of funding this vital human right. Nevertheless, many still voice opinions criticizing the practice. Women are subjected to the torment of being emotionally traumatized by the fear that fellow citizens may disapprove of their choice. We need to turn this around so every woman can feel pride in her decision to exterminate an unwanted fetus in her body. Perhaps a presidential medal that could be given on an annual basis to the woman who makes the most courageous decision for abortion would help change how abortion is perceived in the minds of the average person."
Trump Foreign Policy Speech Alarms Allies
GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump's emphasis that the guiding principle for foreign policy under his administration will be "America first" has made some of our European allies nervous.
Germany's foreign minister Frank-Walter Steinmeier characterized Trump's stance as "arrogant and selfish. To put America first is offensive to my ears. He is denying our equality and our right to participate in determining what America must do to protect all of our mutual interests. If this kind of self-centered viewpoint had prevailed in an earlier era my country and perhaps all of western Europe would today be run by fascists or communists."
Carl Bildt, a former Swedish prime minister and foreign minister concurred. "Trump is disrespecting democratic processes and democratic values," Bildt charged. "He makes no provision for our vote. Becoming America's president won't make him king. He would not have the prerogative to shrug off the obligations the United States has assumed and on which the rest of the free world has depended for three-quarters of a century without our acquiescence."
British Prime Minister David Cameron said "Trump's demand that we be required to fund a minimum share of the cost of our defense is unprecedented. This is not how things have been done for more than seven decades. We haven't budgeted for the kind of outlays this would entail. We can't afford it."
German Vice Chancellor Sigmar Gabriel suggested that "our only viable option might be to call a President Trump's bluff. If we look like we'll be overrun by communists, fascists, or Islamists the United States would have to come to our rescue. Otherwise they'd be left alone to face an entire world hostile to their own survival."
In related news, President Obama praised Germany's "open door" policy on refugees from the Middle East, saying "it has set an example that others should follow. If the various different ethnic and religious peoples were more uniformly dispersed around the globe the incentives for nations to fight one another would be diminished."