SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: May 8, 2016 Edition
Moderate Muslims Are "Uncle Toms" Says London Mayor-Elect
London's newly elected mayor, Labour Party candidate Sadiq Khan, vows he will "establish the order prescribed by the Quran" when he takes office later this year.
"Mohamed instructed us to subjugate unbelievers and make them submit to paying the jizya tax," Khan observed. "For too long Muslims in the United Kingdom have been 'Uncle Toms' meekly adapting to British customs and culture when it should be the other way around. This election is the first step in rectifying this sacrilegious disorder."
Labour voter Constance Dimworthy said she is "glad the City government will finally be sticking it to the 'toffs.' Why should they be allowed to sit in their cozy estates while I have to subsist on skimpy welfare payments and live in dowdy public housing?"
Ms. Dimworthy was not at all fazed by Khan's Muslim beliefs. "As I understand it, the Quran is pretty big on the obligation of the rich to pay alms to the poor. Well, I'm poor. If this jizya tax thing puts more money in my pocket I'm all for it."
New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio was among the first US politicians to congratulate Khan and said he hopes the new Mayor "will move quickly to protect the rights of gays and transexuals as we have done here in our city."
In related news, de Blasio urged New Yorkers to boycott Chick fil-A. "The owners of this perfidious restaurant must not be permitted to continue to enjoy the privileges of conducting a business if they refuse to accept society's changing attitudes towards the LGBT community," he said. "They would like to confine the issue to whether their sandwiches offer good value for the consumers' dollars. But I say social solidarity is more important than economic freedom, and I look forward to a future where we guardians of society's values have the authority to enforce them by more direct means than merely urging boycotts."
DOJ Suggests Hillary's Lawbreaking "Not Malicious"
Trying to map a politically viable route out of the national security infractions committed by former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, U.S. Attorney General Loretta Lynch professed herself "unable to find any evidence that Secretary Clinton had any malicious intent."
"We're thinking that her use of an unsecured private computer server for classified communications was just an honest mistake that could more properly be attributed to ignorance or incompetence," Lynch speculated. "Judging from events on the campaign trail, it is not implausible to hypothesize that brain damage from a concussion she suffered last year or early onset dementia are more likely explanations for an error of this magnitude."
Lynch contrasted Clinton's actions with those of former CIA employee Eric Snowden "who intentionally exposed US government secrets. The damage done by Mr. Snowden is immense and continuing. The credibility of everything our government does was undermined."
The AG further contended that "the fact that Secretary Clinton is leading in the race for the Democratic Party's presidential nomination would seem to indicate that the American people are willing to overlook her innocent mistakes. Rather than blindly pursue a 'by-the-book' approach, we're leaning toward allowing the process of getting voter input to play itself out. If voters elect her president we'd take that as a sign that we should 'forgive and forget' this relatively minor infraction. After all, if she becomes president she could simply pardon herself regardless of what our Office might do to prosecute her anyway. So, why make an investment in an effort that could so easily be undone?"
Candidate Says Coal Remarks "Taken out of Context"
Seeking to dissuade West Virginia voters from holding her promise "to put a lot of coal miners and coal companies out of business" against her, Democratic presidential contender Hillary Clinton maintains that "those remarks have been distorted by being taken out of context."
The specific context, according to the candidate "was the need to get the votes of environmentally conscious individuals in states that have no coal industry. For my opponents and the media to inject that statement into the West Virginia primary distorts the nuanced messages I am trying to express to the varied constituencies around the nation. It is an unfair and sexist assault on my long history of selfless public service to this country."
"The important thing that is getting pushed aside is that preserving the dirty and dangerous job of mining coal is no longer necessary in our economy," Clinton argued. "Under my Administration the displaced coal miners who still want to work will be moved into the solar energy sector. Those who are tired of working will be assured of abundant government benefits if they drop out of the workforce. This has been the basic thrust of President Obama's economic policy for the last eight years. I am pledging to continue that policy. I can't see why voters who twice gave their state's electoral votes to President Obama wouldn't want to give them to me."
Even if West Virginia voters don't warm to her, Clinton took comfort from her perception that "the whole world is pulling for me to beat Donald Trump in November. That has got to be a bigger coalition than whatever fragments of opposition might coalesce around a nativist like Trump."
German Army Hampered by Overtime Rules
The German Army had to shorten its participation in recent NATO war-game exercises because the government's labor regulations restrict the number of continuous hours troops can be on duty.
Minister of Defense Rinehart Schwachkopf defended the move asserting that "preserving the rights of the worker against exploitation is an essential function of the German government. If we start discarding rights on the pretext that 'defense is too important' to have to comply with regulations intended to protect these rights we raise the question of what are we fighting for if not to protect Germans' rights?"
Schwachkopf acknowledged that "enemies of Germany might seek to exploit any gaps in our defenses caused by troops having to stand down in order to comply with labor rules, but no one said maintaining the social benefits of the working class would always be easy. Our armed forces will need to learn to be more efficient and expeditious in their operations."
The Minister went on to point out that "blitzkrieg, or lightning war, used to be something Germany's armies deployed to great success in the past. Perhaps knowing that their troops are on a time clock our generals will reacquaint themselves with this once successful tactic."
Egyptian Official Blames Cartoons for Muslim Violence
The head of Egypt's State Information Service (SIS), Ambassador Salah Abdel Sadek, says that "the rising tide of violence in Muslim countries can be directly traced to Western cartoons. Around the globe innocent Muslims are exposed to the carnage inflicted by cats and mice on each other in cartoons like 'Tom and Jerry' or 'Itchy and Scratchy.' Is it any wonder, then that they go on rampages of killing?"
Sadek contended that "Muslims are particularly susceptible to this insidious influence because our critical thinking skills have been suppressed by Zionist infiltrators" and called for "the elimination of the Jewish state in our midst" as the remedy most likely to be effective.
Hillary for President campaign manager Robbie Mook cited Sadek's comments as "a vindication of Secretary Clinton's assertion that a video is what inspired the mob that killed Ambassador Stevens at the Benghazi compound in 2012. Poorly educated Arabs are easy targets for influence by videos of any sort. If a cartoon is enough to goad a Palestinian into bombing an Israeli bus, why is it so hard to believe that an even more pointed video might goad a mob into killing Ambassador Stevens? I think Ambassador Sadek's insightful perspective puts the nail in the coffin of the email witch hunt being conducted against Hillary."
Medical Errors Third Leading Cause of Death in US
A study published in the prominent medical journal BMJ concluded that errors by doctors and hospitals kill more than 250,000 people a year in the US. Martin Makary, professor of surgery at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, led the research team and said "It boils down to people dying from the care that they receive rather than the disease for which they are seeking care."
"In recent years a lot has been made of the issue of people living without health insurance and how the government must take heroic efforts to compel everyone to obtain insurance," Makary observed. "The concern is that those without insurance won't be able to afford treatment. This study indicates that not being treated isn't always bad. Sometimes entering the medical world exposes patients to dangers worse than the ailments they had going in."
"It's one thing for people to be insured against catastrophic health emergencies like accidents or serious diseases," he continued. "There the risk/reward profile for being treated is more balanced. But when comprehensive coverage entices a person to make entering the realm of medical treatment their first option they may be increasing their risk falling victim to medical error without sufficient reason."
"The human body has developed many self-healing abilities over millions of years of evolution," Makary said. "In many instances relying on that may be a better bet than relying on the much newer and less evolved art of medicine. At the very least, the data don't support a policy of forcing everyone into a government mandated health protocol like the Affordable Care Act seeks to do."
In related news, hospitals in the United Kingdom are posting "do not resuscitate" orders—without the patients' or families' consent—for tens of thousands of National Health Care patients as a cost-saving measure. NHS spokesman Dr. Malcolm Kildare called the step "a necessary conservation of social resources. A patient of little value to society and his or her family is not the best judge of how our limited resources should be used. Rationalizing the system to ensure resources are available for higher value patients is essential."
EU to Fine Member Nations for Rejecting Refugees
Concerned that the flow of Muslim immigrants into the European Union might be deterred if member nations refuse to accept ever enlarging quantities of refugees, officials are implementing a €250,000 (about $300,000) per head fine for every refugee not allowed into a country.
EU spokesman Geert Waloon explained that "the European reproduction rate is far below replacement levels. If our countries are to avoid becoming uninhabited 'ghost towns' we must increase our population. The refugees are fertile and not averse to generating offspring. Securing an abundant supply of them will ensure that EU government workers will have an adequate number of welfare clients to justify their employment." The fines are expected to raise in excess of €50 million annually, most of which will be used to fund the salaries of EU welfare agency employees.
GOP presumptive presidential nominee Donald Trump called the fines "insane" and vowed that "nothing like this will happen in our country if I'm its next president."