SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: May 22, 2016 Edition
ACLU Bemoans Court's Pro-Choice Decision
This week Nevada District Judge Eric Johnson dismissed the ACLU's case against the state's school choice law. A change to Nevada statutes creating an education savings account (ESA) program that permits students and their parents to choose how to be educated was the source of the ACLU's ire.
Author of the legislation, State Sen. Scott Hammond (R-Las Vegas) said his aim was "to enable families to completely customize their child's educational experience, and ensure students can match education options and providers to their unique learning needs." These accounts can be used to pay for private school tuition, online learning, special education services and therapies, textbooks, curricula, private tutors, and any other education-related service, product, or provider.
"Under this ill-conceived law state funds for education can be used in any manner seen fit by parents or their children," complained ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty. "The legislature has heedlessly granted freedom to the uninformed. Neither parents nor students are qualified to decide such matters. Only the public school system has the expertise needed to guide each student toward the proper educational outcome."
While the ACLU's case was dismissed by one judge, another—Judge James Wilson of the First Judicial District Court of Nevada (Carson City)--issued an injunction preventing the funding of the more than 4,000 ESA's requested and awarded under the statute. Petty praised Wilson's action, calling it "a crucial bulwark against diverting state resources into unregulated private hands. The State has gone through an arduous process of extracting these funds from the private sector. We must not allow this money to be frittered away via the ignorant choices of parents and students."
Senator Aims to Redefine "Violent Crimes"
New Jersey Democratic Sen. Cory Booker is seeking a redefinition of "violent crimes." As a co-sponsor of the Sentencing Reform and Corrections Act of 2015 (SRCA), Booker is urging "a candid conversation about how we determine whether crimes are violent or not."
"For too long a racist mindset has dominated how we look at crime," Booker charged. "In white society stabbing or shooting someone is considered abnormal and violent. This unfairly stigmatizes Black culture. Sentencing a minority offender based on white standards disproportionately impacts a vibrant segment of society."
Booker urged that "we recognize the longer term history of racial oppression in this country and factor that into how we think about modern society. For hundreds of years Blacks were owned by whites and were brutally abused. This inculcated a predisposition to look to violence and brutality as normal tools for securing obedience and exploiting others. Is it any wonder that this would have negative repercussions today?"
The Senator recommended that "we cut the brothers some slack if the victim of his so-called violent act is a descendant of a former oppressor. This would be a kind of non-monetary reparation for crimes committed against his ancestors—a sort of social justice self-defense that ought to mitigate the punishment meted out to the brothers for taking unauthorized independent steps to right earlier wrongs."
Both Democratic presidential contenders called Booker's thinking "innovative" and "long overdue." Sen. Bernie Sanders pronounced himself "an admirer of street justice that moves us closer to the redistribution of society's wealth and privileges." Hillary Clinton promised "it will be an approach that my Attorney General will take in all cases that come under federal purview and will guide my selections of future Supreme Court appointees."
In related news, California's decriminalization of shoplifting has been followed by a 100% increase in the practice. Gov. Jerry Brown professed not to be bothered by the phenomenon, cautioning that "we not jump to the conclusion that these guerrilla transfers of ownership are necessarily unjust. If we were to use need as our scale, it is by no means clear that shoplifting doesn't result in a more equitable distribution of wealth."
CPUSA Pledges to Support Democrat for President
The Communist Party of the United States (CPUSA) has enthusiastically endorsed "comrade Bernie Sanders as the progressive choice to complete the socialist revolution in America," but pledged its "support for whoever emerges with the Democratic Party's presidential nomination."
John Bachtell, national chair of the CPUSA expressed his "pleasure with the progressive evolution of the Democratic Party. The Communist agenda has been totally absorbed by this mainstream Party. President Obama has taken this country further down the road than we could ever have hoped to do on our own. Although Bernie has been a long-time member of the revolutionary movement, Secretary Clinton's promise to continue the policies of Obama give her enough credibility to be an acceptable second choice."
"We had feared that it would take decades for us to realize our objectives of abolishing private property and eliminating traditional Judeo-Christian values that oppress alternative lifestyles," Bachtell said. "But the massive voter support for Sanders and Clinton shows we are on the cusp of triumph. The extermination of greed and the age of absolute equality are now only one election away."
Bachtell boasted that "we are especially elated by the peaceful acquisition of power that is at hand. Unlike Lenin or Mao we haven't had to engage in armed conflict to overthrow the government. The expropriation of the expropriators will be attained by the freely given votes of the American electorate. By January of 2017, the armed forces and police will be under the control of a progressive government. Resistance will be futile and, where necessary, severely dealt with. It will be glorious."
Pope Confuses Christians
Pope Francis startled many Catholics this week by likening Jesus' admonition to his apostles to go forth and preach the Gospel to Mohamed's call for Muslims to wage jihad against unbelievers, calling both "incitements to conquest."
"In a way, beheading someone or blowing them up may be less intrusive than Jesus' command to 'love thy neighbor' or to 'turn the other cheek,'" Francis said. "The jihadi attacks the body, but the Christian missionary invades the soul. Even the most grievous injury to the flesh is transitory. But changing a person's soul persists beyond his temporary Earthly existence."
Francis went on to admire "the amazing fecundity of the Muslim people" and suggested that "Christians might overcome declining birth rates by interbreeding with them. European cultures have put a selfish search for well-being ahead of their obligation to be fruitful and multiply. Unlike Christian women, Muslim females do not disobey their husbands and submit to bearing many children. Unlike Christian men, Muslim males are lusty and unafraid of impregnating females even if they have to resort to rape to accomplish it. Perhaps by intermixing on a sexual level the best of both faiths could be achieved and the rationale for Islamic violence attenuated."
In related news, Democratic presidential contender Hillary Clinton said GOP contender Donald Trump's "anti-Muslim attitude is a disqualifying stance. They wouldn't have to blow up airliners or decapitate hostages if they were assured access to America. Trump's proposed ban leaves them no alternative but violence if they are to accomplish their political and religious objectives." Clinton vowed she would "be pursuing a contrasting strategy of peaceful change. If we integrate them into our society as equals we may divert them toward using nonviolent means to implement their world view."
"Ugly Women Will Put Hillary in White House" Says Dem
Former Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell (D) bragged that "ugly women will put Hillary in the White House next November. Donald Trump may have sponsored beauty pageants, but let's face it, the overwhelming majority of women are ugly. They're going to vote for one of their own kind over a billionaire misogynist."
"For one thing, the Democratic Party is a better friend to ugly women," Rendell contended. "We give them what they want. We give them welfare, which comes in handy if you're too ugly or nasty to hold onto a man. We enact laws that give them the right to sue anyone who looks at them or speaks to them in a demeaning or insulting manner. We made sure that Obamacare would cover all of the psychotropic medications they might need to adjust to their disappointment for being ugly."
"What does Trump or the GOP offer them?" the Governor asked. "The right to join the rat race and get ahead if they're competent? That's a pretty weak gruel. The free market offers that to everybody. A robust government is one that can give you more than you could get on your own. Letting people keep what they earn would be like having no government at all. We don't think the majority of voters will opt to go that route."
White House Defends Rhodes' Lies
While Deputy National Security Adviser Ben Rhodes' lies about the Iran deal are a self-admitted matter of public record, an irate GOP controlled Congress will not be permitted to call him to testify.
Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest brushed aside Rhodes' admission in a New York Times feature article that "we fabricated the narrative and played the media like a fiddle," as a "youthful mistake borne of an excess of enthusiasm. The fact of the matter is that Mr. Rhodes has the full confidence of President Obama and was carrying out his directives as he briefed the media regarding the delicate negotiations. No useful purpose would be served by having him appear before Congress."
Earnest rejected GOP contentions that they are only trying to get to the truth about the Iran deal. "As a famous historical figure is reputed to have asked, 'what is truth?'" Earnest replied. "Subjecting the President's loyal adjuncts to a Congressional inquisition isn't something we're going to allow. The President has done what he has deemed best for the country. No one has the need or right to know anything more than that."
In related news, Iranian lawmakers are preparing a lawsuit against the United States to seek compensation for damage inflicted by Washington's "hostile moves." The list of particulars for which the regime is seeking billions of dollars in damages includes "continued resistance to the will of Allah, interference with arms shipments to Hezbollah, and the attempted rescue of hostages by unauthorized incursions into Iran by the Carter Administration in 1980." The Obama Administration is said to be weighing a "nolo contendere" plea. As explained by Earnest, "the President has already acknowledged the errors of prior administrations and sees no point in prolonging a case we cannot win."