SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE December 18, 2016 Edition
RNC Averts Hack that Duped DNC
Amid all the caterwauling from Democrats about Russians supposedly hacking the Democratic National Committee's computer system comes a report from the Republican National Committee that a similar attempt on their computer system was rebuffed.
RNC chairman Reince Priebus explained "naturally, we were alert to the possibility that hostile entities might try to break into our system. To avert this threat we instructed all of our personnel to ignore and delete any emails from persons claiming to have millions of dollars intended for deposit to our account from a deceased African government official. The strategy was simple and easily executed. There were attempts to hack us, but none succeeded."
Hillary Clinton's campaign chairman John Podesta characterized the RNC's approach as "essentially racist in nature. Democrats would never slough off communications from Africans, especially messages offering money. We were running the most expensive presidential campaign in American history. The fact that the Russian hackers exploited our openness and financial need shows that they would stoop to the lowest and most devious level in their quest to steal the election for Trump."
Podesta dismissed the embarrassing content of the DNC emails published by Wikileaks following the hack as "an inherently unfair intrusion that ought not to have been allowed to affect the election. Voters had no right to see these emails much less act upon them. That they did is a travesty that greatly damaged our democracy."
"In a court of law illegally obtained evidence would be barred from being considered by the jury," Podesta continued. "Likewise, the illegally purloined emails ought to have been barred from being considered by the voters. That they weren't barred is a flaw in our electoral process."
Remedies suggested by Podesta included "near term actions to rectify the injustice done to Secretary Clinton by either persuading the electoral college members to cast their ballots for the winner of the popular vote or by having President Obama issue an executive order calling for a new election. If this latter option is chosen we should also implement protections against the publication of illegitimate information in this re-vote and in all future elections by requiring all campaign-related news to be cleared for accuracy prior to publication. In this regard, the measures being taken by Snopes, ABC News, Politifact and FactCheck.org to prohibit fake news are a good first step. Ultimately, we will need to establish a cabinet level Department of Truth to regulate what can be published on the Internet and elsewhere."
Democrats weren't alone in alleging Russian skulduggery, former GOP presidential candidate Sen. Lindsay Graham (SC) also blamed the Russians for his failed bid to capture his Party's nomination. "Given my credentials and platform it is inconceivable that I could have fairly lost to a political neophyte like Trump," Graham argued. "Clearly, this is prima facie evidence of hostile interference." The Senator announced he "will cross the aisle and vote with my Democratic colleagues to postpone the inauguration until the Russian hackers are fully investigated."
Meanwhile, the CIA declined to brief the House on the hacking issue citing "security" as its rationale. Agency Director John Brennan contended that "Congress is as leaky as a sieve. Briefing them is the same as broadcasting over open air waves. We need to keep a wrap on this to preserve the President's tactical advantage of surprise over the Russians."
In related news, a post-election Wikileaks revelation indicated that Trump rivals Jeb Bush, Carly Fiorina, and John Kasich were given financial inducements by the Clinton campaign to refrain from endorsing their Party's nominee following the GOP Convention in July.
Dems Say Russian Hacking "an Act of War"
President Obama ratcheted up the confrontational rhetoric the Democratic Party has leveled at Russia for allegedly "hacking the election to ensure their 'puppet' Trump would defeat Secretary Clinton."
Retiring Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) called the hack "as bad as 9/11. The attack on the World Trade Center and Pentagon only killed some ordinary Americans. The Russian hack blocked the ascension of the most qualified person to ever seek the presidency of the United States. That is a blow that will have negative reverberations for generations to come."
"The Russian interference in our election is a virtual coup against the American people's right to choose their own leaders," Obama declared. "It is worse than the attack Japan made on Pearl Harbor 75 years ago. The Japanese only destroyed a few naval vessels and a couple of thousand sailors and soldiers. The Russian intrusion has attempted to overthrow our entire government. Our response must be proportionate to this threat."
The President went on to promise that "we will strike back at a time and place of our own choosing. There will be no advance warnings. There will be no negotiations or compromises. Russia's only escape from our wrath is to confess to their crime and pay reparations. As for Trump, this poseur who has steadfastly refused to acknowledge his complicity will be jailed or deported to Russia, if there still is a Russia after I'm done with them."
In his headlong rush toward nuclear brinkmanship, President Obama neglected to mention the illegal financial aid Saudi Arabia provided to the Hillary campaign. Neither did he remember his own efforts to intervene in the Israeli election to try to defeat Netanyahu. Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest insisted that these instances of meddling "are irrelevant since, unlike the Russian hacking, they didn't succeed."
In contrast, Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders, Hillary Clinton's former rival for the Democratic presidential nomination, advised that "we should not blame the Russians for the Democratic Party's rigged nomination of the most unpopular presidential candidate in history for the Party's loss in the presidential race."
Bill to Block US Funding of Terrorists Introduced
Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (D-Hawaii) and Rep. Thomas Massie (R-Ken) have co-sponsored the "Stop Arming Terrorists Act" to stem the flow of US tax dollars going to Middle Eastern terrorist groups. That such legislation might be necessary is shocking.
"If you or I gave money, weapons or support to al-Qaeda or ISIS, we would be thrown in jail," Gabbard said. "Yet, our own government has been covertly funneling American tax dollars to a series of Islamic fanatics for years. This is madness."
Massie maintains that "madness is too mild a term to use. The CIA has been arming bloodthirsty jihadis in multiple countries. This has amped up the carnage to levels of truly hideous magnitude. Monstrous would more accurately describe what our government has done. It must stop."
According to Massie, "the bill would prohibit the U.S. government from using American taxpayer dollars to provide funding, weapons, training, and intelligence support to terrorist groups like al-Qaeda and ISIS, or to countries who are providing direct or indirect support to those same groups."
CIA Director John Brennan opposes "the bill's unwarranted restriction of the Agency's flexibility in carrying out the Administration's policy around the globe. These politicians don't have the necessary expertise to judge what we do. Even worse, the idea that members of Congress would go public with this information strikes me as disloyal and treasonous. This is a threat that I think merits a more aggressive response."
95 Poll Books Missing in Michigan Recount
In the Detroit precincts where voter logs showed fewer people casting ballots than votes that were counted on election day the recount effort also discovered that 95 voter log books went missing. While the mismatch of counts and the disappearing books would seem to imply that election fraud played a role in boosting the candidacy of Hillary Clinton, Detroit elections officials insisted that everything was legit.
Democratic precinct chairman Charlie Crook assured that "these little discrepancies happen nearly every year. The so-called missing logs were merely sent out for re-calibration. Now that they've been fixed the gap between voters recorded and ballots counted has been significantly reduced. If it weren't for time pressure and excessive scrutiny by outsiders I'm sure a perfect balance could've been achieved."
NYC Muslim Hate Crime Hoax
Yasmin Seweid, the 18 year-old girl who claimed Trump supporters harassed her on the city subway, lied. Nevertheless, her older sister Sara Seweid blamed "excessively zealous police work for blowing my sister's alibi. She was out past her curfew and would have been severely beaten by our father for this infraction. Naturally, she made up the harassment story to avoid this beating. Now, as a result of the NYPD's unwarranted investigation into this minor incident, Yasmin will be beaten."
The older sister charged that "insensitivity and ignorance of our culture has resulted in a completely avoidable outcome. But a combination of hatred for Muslims and love of Trump led the Jews on the police force to delve deeper into the event than they should have. If only Muslim values had more deeply penetrated the NYPD lassitude and indolence would have rescued my sister from the punishment her little white lie was meant to avert."
Ironically, it was the Seweid family's anti-Trump posts on their Facebook page that encouraged police to pursue the story more vigorously. "The amount of venom aimed at Trump on this page combined with inconsistencies in Yasmin's account of the purported incident raised our suspicions," said Detective Leonard Brisco. "From there the hoax quickly unraveled."
Michelle Obama Says Trump Win Destroys Hope
In a CBS News interview prior to her family's departure for a vacation that will further its record-setting pace for taxpayer-funded personal leisure, First Lady Michelle Obama says "the election of Donald Trump has destroyed the hope that my husband brought to so many in this country. Hope is necessary. What else do you have if you don't have hope? What do you give your kids if you can't give them hope?"
Michelle contrasted "the uplifting message we provided to America with the dreary future Donald Trump has promised. His vision of herding Americans back into the workforce will condemn people we've freed from drudgery to reenter the rat race where they will be forced to sacrifice their dreams in order to toil for their supper. Is this not a step backward toward the days when so many of our people were compelled to work for cruel masters?"
"Millions of Americans will come to rue the day the country turned aside from the progressive transformation that has been underway for the last eight years," she predicted. "Hopefully, the Trump interlude will be brief and voters will make a course correction to get back on the road to the promised land in 2020."