SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: January 8, 2017 Edition
Man Tortured in Anti-Trump Protest
An 18-year-old mentally challenged man was tortured for two days by Black Lives Matter-inspired criminals as "a protest against the racist Trump Administration." Four Chicago millenials—Jordan Hill, 18, Tesfaye Cooper, 18, Brittany Covington, 18, and Tanishia Covington, 24 beat, kicked, burned, and cut their victim while shouting "f*** Trump" and "f*** white people."
Members of the leftist media at CNN and NBC were hesitant to judge the perpetrators too harshly. NBC News correspondent Ron Mott said "this incident strikes me as an example of youthful stupidity rather than a crime, per se. They posted a video of their interactions with this individual they took into their home. If their intent had been criminal why would they broadcast their escapade?"
CNN political commentator Symone Sanders, a former adviser to Sen. Bernie Sanders presidential campaign, blamed the assailants actions on "Trump stirring up hostility in people across the country with his hate-filled rhetoric. It is Trump who has threatened to cut off people's welfare and force them to get jobs. That they would strike out in fear and anger is understandable."
Sanders also dismissed racism as a motive. "First, all the people charged with this man's mistreatment are black," she pointed out. "There is considerable scholarly debate as to whether it is possible for a black person to be racist. Second, as I understand it, the victim was chosen because of his mental disability, not his skin color." Sanders said that the fact that the perps appeared on their own video shouting "f*** white people" was "not relevant," since "this is a sentiment shared by all the black people I know. It's just the way we talk among ourselves."
CNN host Don Lemon rebuffed his interviewee Matt Lewis' contention that "it's evil. It's brutality. It's man's inhumanity to man" and blamed the kidnapping and torture on "the poor parenting of these misguided young people. I don't think it's evil. 'Evil' is Trump becoming this nation's president in two weeks."
CNN reporter Sara Ganim couldn't stop herself from laughing at the Facebook video of the victim's torments. "My favorite part was where they made him drink out of the toilet," she recounted. "The retard deserved it. He voted for Trump."
White House press secretary Josh Earnest observed that "the beating demonstrates a level of depravity that is an outrage to a lot of Americans. On the other hand, there are also a lot of Americans who would hold that the injuries inflicted on this one white man are insufficient payback for 300 years of slavery and Jim Crow laws."
In related news, President Barack Obama told ABC News correspondent Judy Hsu that "race relations, like everything else, have gotten better during my term in the White House." As proof of his claim, the President cited his recent award of the Department of Defense Medal for Distinguished Public Service. "No other president has received as many awards as I have," Obama bragged. "This is why I'm confident that the verdict of history will rank my presidency as one of the best, if not the best, this nation has ever seen."
Kerry Mocks Peace-Mongers Abroad and at Home
US Secretary of State John Kerry blamed former United Kingdom Prime Minister David Cameron and British members of parliament for thwarting President Obama's plan to intervene in the Syrian civil war and confront the Russians.
"When the President of the United States has decided for war you'd think our so-called allies would stand with us," Kerry asserted. "However, a gutless Prime Minister Cameron insisted on getting his parliament's approval before joining us in an attack. Well, parliament wouldn't go along. President Obama was so miffed at this betrayal that he called the whole thing off. In hindsight, he probably should have gone ahead. If the country had been at war with the Russians in 2016 President Obama, like FDR, would likely have won a third term."
Kerry contrasted the Syrian War fizzle with "the smashing success of our overthrow of Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi in 2011. The sodomization and murder of this long-time oppressor of the Libyan people sent a strong message to other would-be tyrants around the world that being deposed in the era of Obama would not result in exile abroad to live in luxury, nor even a simple execution like that dished out to Romania's Nicolae Ceau?escu, but complete humiliation and torture followed by an ignominious death."
The Secretary of State said he doubted that "a President Trump would have the courage to impose his will on this country's enemies like President Obama has. Trump has already taken war with Russia off the table. What kind of leverage will he have after publicly expressing his aversion to such a confrontation? Trump's notion that the United States might make common cause with Russia against the Islamic State is laughable. As President Obama has warned, the future will not belong to the enemies of Islam. Trump is betting on the wrong horse."
In related news, according to a Congressional Research Service report, Obama sold more weapons than any other American president since World War II. Islamic monarchy and exporter of jihadi terrorists around the globe, Saudi Arabia has been the Obama Administration's favorite customer. Overall sales to the Saudis approved by Obama's State Department, pending delivery of equipment and specialized training for troops are expected to amount to $115 billion.
Senate Rejects Dem Proposal to Require 60 Votes to Repeal Obamacare
A move by Democrats to reestablish a rule that would require a minimum of 60 votes for any legislation to pass the Senate was repulsed by a 52-48 straight party line vote.
Virginia Sen. Tim Kaine, recent vice-presidential running mate of Hillary Clinton, sponsored the 60 vote requirement and called the GOP's stance against it "unfair. For decades it had been the tradition in the Senate to permit the minority party to block legislation that couldn't obtain a super majority. Now just because former Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) eliminated this tradition when Democrats held the majority in the Senate the GOP feels it is their right to do as he did. Well, two wrongs don't make a right. It's shameful that the Republicans would act as if they do."
The urgency of Kaine and the rest of the Democrats stems from the intent of the Republican leadership to use Reid's trick to repeal the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare) via the reconciliation process where a simple majority is all that is needed to enact legislation.
Sen. Mike Enzi (R-Wyo) spoke against Kaine's measure and characterized the use of Reid's trick to repeal the ACA "poetic justice. This horrendous government-mandated health insurance scheme was passed without a singe Republican vote for it. It was passed without a proper evaluation of its content at the behest of then House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) who flippantly argued that we had to pass the bill in order to find out what was in it. As it turned out, in direct contradiction to President Obama's solemn promises, it did not guarantee that people could keep doctors and plans that they liked. It did not lead to lower costs for consumers. It did force millions to purchase plans that featured outrageously high premiums and deductibles. For millions the effect was paying more to get less. That Reid's trick enables us to repeal this monstrosity is karma."
Repeal of Obamacare is projected to cost hundreds of thousands of bureaucrats their jobs. "All the complicated paperwork required by the ACA creates jobs for a huge segment of government and insurance company administrative personnel," Kaine pointed out. "Those who call this 'useless' or 'unnecessary' are overlooking the human factor. The idea that these people can be shifted into manufacturing or some other sector that produces products that consumers would willingly buy is, in my opinion, too risky."
Senator Has Concerns About Education Nominee
Sen. Patty Murray (D-WA), ranking Democrat on the Senate Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions Committee expressed doubts about the fitness of President-Elect Donald Trump's nominee for Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos.
"I appreciate that Ms. DeVos took the time to meet with me, I can't say that I would have done the same had our roles been reversed," Murray declared. "At our meeting she did nothing to allay my fears that she would continue to be an advocate for school choice. This pernicious ideology is founded on the absurd premise that individual parents ought to have the biggest say in their children's education. This is against everything I and the Democratic Party have been fighting for over many years."
"Education is far too important to be left in the hands of non-experts," the Senator contended. "For one thing, choice will negate efforts to ensure uniformity. Independently run schools will choose diverse curricula. Parents who choose wisely will give their children an unfair advantage over parents who aren't as astute in selecting where to send them to be schooled. Those less informed will likely default to just sending their children to the nearest public school. If no one is allowed to choose we will have a better chance at equalizing the opportunities for all."
"An added concern of mine is that the whole thrust of the drive for school choice is anti-social at its core," Murray continued. "Many of those who opt for non-public schools harbor deviant political ideas. Letting these parents remove their children from the social mix of the public school student body endangers these children's future compatibility with their age cohort peers. Alienation is the inevitable outcome for children deprived of the reaffirming social network provided by a common educational experience. Saving these children from such a fate is the duty of those of us elected to protect the most vulnerable members of our society."
Senator Warns Trump
Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) warned President-Elect Donald Trump that "he's entering dangerous waters when he criticizes our intelligence community. Has he forgotten that the CIA has toppled dozens of governments around the world? Has he forgotten what they did to President Kennedy after he vowed to break up the Agency following the Bay of Pigs fiasco?"
"I have my differences with Donald, but I wouldn't want to see him get his head blown off," Schumer said. "He needs to accept that there are limits to what he can do when he deals with these trained assassins."
Assange Mocks Podesta
The Wikileaks publication of a raft of embarrassing emails hacked from Clinton Campaign Chairman John Podesta may have undermined Hillary's chances to be elected president. For his part, Podesta has complained loudly about presumed Russian involvement, claiming that "intelligence sources say only the Russians have the kind of sophisticated techniques required."
Julian Assange, founder of Wikileaks, refuted Podesta's claim saying that "a fourteen-year-old could've hacked Podesta's email account. His password was 'password.' His email could hardly have been less secure."
Podesta labeled Assange's assertion "grossly misleading. My password wasn't 'password.' It was 'passw0rd' with a zero. The chance that some non-state actor could've broken that code has to be extremely slim, maybe impossible."