SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: January 15, 2017 Edition
DOJ Inspector General to Probe FBI
Department of Justice Inspector General Michael Horowitz announced "an in-depth probe of the strange pre-election day behavior of FBI Director James Comey. Despite the Attorney General's clear wishes that there be no investigation or prosecution of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Comey, who is subordinate to the AG, took it upon himself to issue a public statement announcing a reopening of such an investigation barely a week before the election. This insubordination had the effect of undermining Mrs. Clinton's campaign."
"Everyone thought the message had gotten through to Comey when the FBI was denied subpoena powers to compel testimony," Horowitz explained. "Further, the AG's grant of immunity to potential witnesses and the ordered destruction of laptops that may have contained information that needed to be kept from public scrutiny should have ended the matter. And so it seemed when Comey made his July recommendation against prosecution based on these impediments to a possible conviction. Mr. Comey's u-turn on October 28 was a stunning reversal that took a solid week of internal pressure to get him to change course, yet again."
"Mr. Comey may think he is home-free now that Trump will be the next president a week from now," Horowitz declared. "But his troublesome meddling will have its consequences both for him personally and the FBI."
The IG's action was hailed by the Clinton camp, which is said to be preparing a multi-billion dollar lawsuit for damages. Donna Shalala, president of the Clinton Foundation called "the financial setback to our fund-raising capabilities devastating. The donations that would have flowed into the Foundation if Secretary Clinton had been elected president as we expected have shriveled following her unwarranted defeat. We are suing to compel Mr. Comey and the government to compensate us for the losses caused by his indefensible actions."
"While it appears unlikely that we could get the court to invalidate the election outcome, we do believe that Mr. Comey will be financially ruined and the federal government, which should have used more permanent methods to contain him, will be ordered to make up for the lost donations—an amount that rightfully should run into the billions of dollars," Shalala maintained.
Obama Orders Cuban Escapees Sent Back
In his last week before leaving office, President Barack Obama overturned a 50-year US Government policy of allowing Cuban refugees who reach our shores to remain in the country. In contrast to the "dreamers" that Obama has declared must not be sent back to Mexico even though they entered the United States illegally, Cubans arriving without visas will be expelled.
"Refugees from Mexico have a legitimate reason for coming to America," Obama said. "Their country's economy isn't providing sufficient jobs or benefits to support their survival. Cubans don't face this kind of hardship. Their government is dedicated to ensuring social justice. Everyone who wants a job is guaranteed one. Crucial social services like education and medical care are provided free of charge to all Cubans. There is no valid reason for them to want to leave and even less reason to allow these deranged individuals to stay here."
The move is seen as a key to improving the relationship between Cuba and the United States. "For too long we have assumed an adversarial stance toward our southern neighbor," the President asserted. "This has blinded us to the very real progress made under the rule of the Castro brothers. Though our previous policy has proven a drain on the Cuban economy by siphoning off people whom the Cuban government has borne the expense for educating and nurturing, the Castro Administration has graciously agreed to readmit its citizens that we return to them. This demonstration of goodwill in the face of the abuse our country has heaped upon Cuba over the years is an encouraging sign of the brighter future both countries can look forward to in the decades to come."
Celeb Calls for Military Coupe to Avert Trump Presidency
Comedian/actor Rosie O'Donnell urged President Obama to order military rule "to prevent the inevitable tyranny Donald Trump will impose on America." O'Donnell's panic takes her long-running public feud with Trump over the edge into total madness.
"A person who has shown no respect for me or the other members of the entertainment world has no business being the president of our country," she argued. "Sane Americans revere us for all we do to entertain and educate them. That Donald Trump doesn't is a slap-in-the-face to all the fans who pay to see us perform. He has insulted us all and, as Meryl pointed out at the Golden Globes, endangered an industry vital to our nation's survival. It is the duty of President Obama to take the extralegal steps needed to save us all before it is too late."
"Martial law is necessary because even if Trump were jailed or killed there would still be millions of his insane supporters running loose, many of them armed and dangerous," O'Donnell explained. "They all need to be rounded up and separated from the general population. Maybe put into work camps where they will be re-educated and can finally be forced to contribute something positive to society."
In related news, fellow celeb Madonna, whose insincere offer of "blow jobs for guys that vote for Hillary" may have negatively affected the electorate's willingness to back her preferred candidate, told of her "narrow escape" from an election evening pledge to devote her life to God if Hillary won. "Sure, having Trump as president is a bummer, but, in hindsight, it will be a lot easier to swallow than if I would have had to keep that pledge," she admitted. "I suppose I could have welshed on the deal without any of my fans being offended."
Fake Scandal Fails to Take Down Trump
A bogus dossier alleging that Donald Trump paid Russian prostitutes to urinate on a hotel bed in Moscow has not had the impact that Trump's enemies had hoped. The scheme hatched by CNN came unraveled when the Director of National Intelligence, James Clapper denied that the salacious document was prepared by any member of the U.S. Intelligence Community.
Despite the lack of any evidence to support the mystery dossier's claims, CNN went public with "news of" the "existence" of such a report hoping to insinuate enough dirt to damage the incoming administration while preserving its "journalistic integrity" by not actually publishing the content of the document itself. That task was undertaken by NBC-owned BuzzFeed.
CNN's anticipated ambush of the President-Elect at his press conference earlier this week ran off the rails when Trump refused to accept any questions from Jim Acosta, the network's reporter at the event. The hyper-belligerent Acosta's sustained effort to shout down everyone else in the room only earned him and CNN the label of "fake news" from Trump.
"It was outrageous and completely inappropriate," a very distraught Acosta said afterward. "'Fake news' is a term we invented to discredit right wing media. Trump's attempt to tag us with it is unprecedented. We are the ones who are qualified to establish what is fake and what is not. We are trained professionals. Neither Trump nor anyone else is qualified to make such a judgment. They are all just an amateurs."
"What this country desperately needs is an official pre-publication vetting process," Acosta pleaded. "Right now there is a proliferation of erroneous news throughout the Internet by an army of ignorant naifs. This needs to be stopped. We need a government agency like they have in China or France that is staffed by people who have the credentials validating their expertise to sift through content before it can be posted. That this wasn't accomplished when they had the majority in Congress is one of the Democratic Party's major failures during President Obama's tenure in office. Now there's no telling how anarchic things will get with the Republican holding both Houses of Congress and the presidency for the next two years."
Obama's Fabulous Farewell Fantasy
In the midst of his lengthy farewell address, outgoing President Barack Obama averred that "one of my proudest accomplishments has been that there have been no Islamic terror attacks on my watch." A key to this accomplishment has been the clever reclassification of murders committed by self-professed jihadis as "other types of crimes."
The murder of 13 unarmed soldiers at Fort Hood in Texas in November 2009 by a Muslim praising Allah during the shooting spree was characterized as "workplace violence" by the Obama Administration.
The detonation of a bomb killing three and maiming dozens at the Boston Marathon by two foreign-born Muslims in April 2013 was deemed to be a "stumper" by the Obama Administration. "The younger Muslim had 'movie star' looks," Obama observed. "Given this great asset his involvement remains a mystery to this day. My bet is on a sibling rivalry gone horribly wrong."
In Chattanooga, Tennessee a devout Muslim shot and killed five at a Navy recruitment center in July 2015. "This couldn't be Islamic terrorism because Islam is a religion of Peace," Obama contended. "So it can't be this young man's religious devoutness that accounts for the event. It must be something deeper inside his psyche."
A "very religious" Muslim husband and wife team attacked a company Christmas party in 2015 and murdered 14 of the husband's co-workers. "The fact that this took place at a place of employment pretty clearly demonstrates that 'workplace violence' is the real motive behind this tragedy," Obama argued. This was despite the couple's proclaimed allegiance to ISIS after their rampage.
In June 2016, an Islamic fanatic massacred 49 at a gay night club in Miami, Florida. "Clearly, this was anti-gay violence of the sort we might see from any home grown bigot," Obama insisted. "To imply that Islam was in some way a factor is a slander."
There also have been dozens of lesser known "honor" killings involving mostly Muslim-on-Muslim mayhem and numerous crimes carried out by Muslims murdering apostates, heretics, Jews, and Christians. In each and every case, the Obama Administration has sought to promulgate "personal," "idiosyncratic," and "indeterminate" motives for the commission of these crimes.
So there you have it. Where normal people would be inclined to jump to the conclusion that Muslims committing these acts for professed religious reasons, and in many cases, using traditional Islamic methods like beheading a victim, President Obama has reassured a concerned nation that there has been no Islamic threat during his presidency. It's "all in our heads."
In related news, Obama disavowed any personal responsibility for the decline of the Democratic Party during his tenure as president. In the eight years of his Administration, the Democratic Party lost a net of 13 US Senate seats, 69 House seats, 12 governorships, and 900 state legislative seats. "Polls show I am extraordinarily popular with the American people," the President boasted. "I am the 'coolest' president this nation has ever had. I'm far more popular than my successor. It is the rest of the members of the Democratic Party who have failed to keep pace."