SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: January 29, 2017 Edition
Mexican President Vows to Protect Illegals Living in the US
Irate that US President Donald Trump "is upending the convivial relationship our two countries enjoyed while Obama held the presidency," Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto vowed "to do everything in my power to protect the rights of Mexican nationals living in the United States."
Peña rejected accusations that his stance was hypocritical given Mexico's harsh treatment of illegal immigrants in his country. "Mexico has a right and an obligation to protect our resources from being consumed by those who have no right to be here," Peña insisted. "We are a poor country with too many mouths to feed. The United States is a rich country grown fat by siphoning off resources that rightfully belong to all of humanity. Those who migrate to America to reclaim these resources are vanguards for social justice. Trump has no moral authority to expel them or to impede their efforts to enter his country."
El Presidente was unsure of how he would fulfill his promise to protect his countrymen residing in the US. "Obviously, we are not powerful enough to directly enforce this promise," Peña admitted. "However, there are more subtle methods that may be undertaken. Border gangs already have played a big role in smuggling immigrants and drugs into America. And Senator Armando Pitter has suggested that we could assist members of ISIS to enter the United States. So, we have a few cards we can play to inflict pain on our enemy."
Allies may be on hand to launch environmental lawsuits aimed at stopping a border wall. Kierán Suckling, executive director of the Center for Biological Diversity, pointed out that "a barrier to the migration of jaguars and ocelots would pose a serious threat to the biodiversity of these endangered species. Sacrificing these beautiful animals in order to prevent as Trump says, 'the invasion of murderers and rapists' is too high a price to pay. There is already an over proliferation of the human species. The loss of a few would be more tolerable than the loss of a few of these scarcer animals."
Media Scoffing at Trump's Complaint about Vote Fraud Prompts Investigation
Confident that vote fraud does not exist, mainstream media has dubbed Trump's claim that he would have won the popular vote if not for illegally cast ballots a "lie." Nevertheless, there appears to be some evidence that Trump's claims may have some validity. Because votes are cast secretly there is no way to prove that illegally cast ballots gave the popular vote victory to Hillary Clinton, but there is credibility behind a contention that millions of illegitimate ballots may have been cast.
A study led by Professor Jesse Richman of Old Dominion University in Norfolk, Virginia estimated that nearly 1.3 million non-citizens voted in the recent election. That's not enough, by itself, to have made Clinton the popular vote winner. However, non-citizen voting is not the only source of illegitimate ballots.
A report by the Pew Center found that nearly two million dead people are still registered to vote and there are indications that some of them did in Philadelphia and Colorado last year. The Pew study also asserted that 24 million registrations are either invalid or inaccurate.
A pre-election expose by Project Veritas revealed Democratic operatives bragging about driving people around to cast multiple ballots at different precincts where poll workers aren't allowed to check IDs. "We've been busing people to cast multiple votes for fifty years and we're not going to stop now," Scott Foval said.
Finally, in response to Green Party candidate for president Jill Stein's pursuit of a recount in Michigan, election officials discovered dozens of urban precincts where the number of ballots counted considerably exceeded the number of voters who showed up to vote.
Unlike the last GOP president, Trump is not one to sit back and take abuse from the media. This week he announced that his Administration will conduct a broad investigation of voting irregularities. "We're going to look into it and we'll see what happens," Trump said.
CNN's Jake Tapper called the proposed investigation "a waste of time and money. There is no evidence. We will hold Trump's feet to the fire and persuade the American people of their mistake electing him. Besides, even if there was proof that non-citizens voted, President Obama said they could during an October interview with Gina Rodriguez on the Latino news site MiTu. And in my book, if a president okays it isn't fraud."
In related news, the Social Security Administration reports that there are 6.5 million people over the age of 100 still holding jobs in this country. Sean Brune, a senior adviser to the agency's deputy commissioner for budget, finance, quality and management, called these figures "proof that Trump's allegation of millions being driven out of the workforce by President Obama's economic policies is refuted." Sen. Ron Johnson (R-Wis) disagreed, saying "it is more likely evidence of widespread fraudulent use of Social Security numbers belonging to deceased Americans by illegal immigrants."
Dems Assail Trump's Immigration and Refugee Policies
Illinois Sen. Dick Durbin (D) charged that "Trump's moves against immigrants will make America less safe. If the jihadis were angry before, they'll surely be enraged by the Administration's efforts to block their entry in this country. Similarly, what does he expect to happen when he cracks down on sanctuary cities that are trying to keep the feds from deporting the criminals they've been shielding? If they fear they can be easily deported they'll have nothing left to lose and could go on a spree that will increase the carnage in these cities."
Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) in echo of Durbin's words, remarked that "these moves threaten the fabric of our society that President Obama worked so hard to establish. Welcoming the poor and disaffected is our social obligation. America has the resources and the duty to share our wealth with all those who have less. Even more important is respecting the religious freedom of Muslims to follow their sacred teachings to spread their faith across the globe. Just because their methods are different from those that Christians have become used to doesn't warrant excluding them from traveling to countries not yet claimed for Allah."
New York City Mayor Bill DeBlasio decried Trump's plan to withhold federal subsidies to cities that thwart the enforcement of the nation's immigration laws by declaring they will provide sanctuary for wanted illegal aliens. "No prior administration has sought to use financial leverage against any city's right to select which laws they wish to enforce in their community," the Mayor falsely alleged. "Trump makes a big deal about us harboring criminals among those we've granted sanctuary. What he fails to consider is that the thieves he maligns are family breadwinners. We will protect these breadwinners from Trump's tyranny."
In related news, Muslim refugees who "fled war" in their home countries have been spending the generous welfare benefits provided by their European hosts to vacation back home. The Swiss Secretariat for Migration explained that "keeping track of how they are spending their welfare checks is outside the scope of our authority. The moral dimension is also daunting. Who are we to question how these people spend the money that our laws and moral beliefs say is theirs by right?"
Stats on Obama Years Unflattering
Two recent statistics on the performance of the outgoing Obama Administration do not reflect well on his time in office. On the one hand, the Obama years were the only presidential term going all the way back to FDR that failed to meet a 3% GDP annual growth rate for any year of his eight in office. Even the "malaise" of the Carter years did better. So too, did the Great Depression years of FDR's 12-years at the helm.
Despite the media's portrayal of Obama as "one of the all-time greats," in the Gallup poll of job approval ratings of the presidents between the post-WWII period and the present, Obama ranks near the bottom. Obama's 47.9% topped only Ford, Carter, and Truman. Obama's rating was lower than the media's punching bag GW Bush and Nixon, who was driven from office by the Watergate scandal.
Race relations expert and host of MSNBC's PoliticsNation Al Sharpton attributed these statistics as "evidence that America is still a racist nation. GDP figures are put out by white economists. Gallup poll respondents are largely comprised of white racists. The vendetta against Black people continues unabated despite the heroic efforts of probably the greatest human being to ever walk the Earth."
Women's March Organizer Advocates Sharia Law for US
Profanity-laced screeching by entertainment luminaries, such as Ashley Judd's complaints about how unfair menstruation is to women and Madonna's musing about blowing up the White House, grabbed some headlines this week. However, it may be more disturbing that the march's organizer Linda Sarsour's long-term goal is to bring sharia law to America.
"The benefits of sharia law don't get a fair airing in America," Sarsour complained. "A narrow-minded focus on the beatings for disobeying a husband, father, or brother overlooks more important advantages like interest-free loans. What are a few welts and bruises compared to saving thousands of dollars on a mortgage."
Sarsour didn't even blanch at the more severe repressions of home confinement, honor killings, or stoning for adultery. "The sharia laws protect a woman's virtue," she contended. "Going out uncovered and unaccompanied are the behaviors of whores and serve as a gateway to the sins which can only be cleansed by honor killings or, in the most severe cases, public stoning."
That public stoning is often a woman's punishment for being raped under sharia law "validates the wisdom of the protections provided by always having one's male relatives along to deter rapists. Every Muslim woman must know the dangers of tempting innocent Muslim men through wantonly wandering into a public space alone. Failure to observe correct behavior is the cause of these incidents. As the instigators, it seems proper to me that these reckless women bear the prescribed consequences as an example to others."
"Trump is a major impediment to the realization of a truly moral Muslim society in America," Sarsour argued. "Right now we are marching. But if Americans don't come to their senses and peacefully rid this country of this enemy of the umma sterner measures will surely follow as night follows day."
In related news, President Trump's Executive Order suspending immigration from Middle Eastern countries wracked by Islamic terrorist violence (Somalia, Libya, Syria, Iraq, Yemen, Sudan, and Iran) sparked former US Secretary of State Madeline Albright to declare "I will be first in line to sign Trump's Muslim Registry. I'd rather stand with those being oppressed rather than their oppressor." Unfortunately for Ms. Albright there is no "Muslim Registry." Worse, as a Jew, her volunteering to be among those deported could have negative repercussions on her physical safety among people whose Quran instructs them to kill Jews."
Evidence Supporting Trump Impeachment Building
A mounting stream of outrages supporting a case for impeach President Trump has infested the news this week.
Elliott G. Holliday, a 20-year-old junior at North Carolina State University found a box of fried chicken on the hood of his car. "This affront occurred barely two days after the inauguration," Holliday said. "The climate of race hatred encouraged by Trump must be answered by his immediate impeachment."
During the inauguration protest rioters smashed the windows of a limo owned by Muslim entrepreneur Muhammad Ashraf. Window smasher Joshua Doltson blamed "Trump's culture of bigotry for driving me to inadvertently harm a man who our movement is trying to protect. If Trump was impeached I wouldn't need to be rampaging in the streets."
A study of United Van Lines destinations revealed a continued trend of folks moving from high-tax to low-tax states. New York Governor Andrew Cuomo (D) sees this as "a threat to good government that needs to be stopped. Since there's no chance that Trump will act to counter this threat, impeachment is the only viable option for preserving our way of life in New York."
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) cited Trump's proposal to cut federal spending by 10% and federal staffing by 20% "blows against the social justice my Party and all good people stand for. Since he can carry out this crime by simply refusing, as President Obama had to do on occasion, to spend money Congress has appropriated it is essential that we work toward impeaching him to save the nation."
The New York Times pointed out "the deceptive and possibly illegal deletion of a tweet in order to correct the spelling of the word 'honored' by Trump is indicative of the lengths to which this madman will go to mislead and intimidate the Amer4ican people. It is imperative that he be removed from office as soon as possible."
At a library on the campus of the University of Washington a loud anti-Trump demonstration was interrupted by a student who was trying to study. University President Ana Mari Cauce apologized to the demonstrators for their being told to quiet down. "This type of suppression of freedom of speech is something I fear will become more and more common the longer Donald Trump remains as president. Surely Congress can see its duty to taken action to prevent this type of Trump-inspired usurpation of our constitutional rights."
Lastly, CNN reported that "Trump's failure to wave to the press as he was boarding Air Force One—something that every president since Kennedy has done—is an ominous sign that he harbors dictatorial aspirations. There could hardly be a clearer demonstration that we need to impeach this would-be tyrant before it's too late."