SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: April 16, 2017 Edition
Merkel Explains Terror Policy
Facing a tough reelection campaign, German Chancellor Angela Merkel struggles to convince voters that her open borders approach to Muslim immigrants hasn't been a disaster. In an interview published in a German magazine this week she insisted "we will never accept terror."
Some of her critics have contended that "admitting millions of Muslims is a defacto acceptance of terror." Merkel rebuffed this criticism, saying that "last year only 22 Germans were murdered by Islamic immigrants. In a population of 80 million this is a minuscule casualty rate. Considering that the fear of being attacked by Islamic fanatics has deterred many Germans from unnecessarily leaving home, it's possible that more lives were saved by having fewer traffic fatalities than were lost by these murders. So, clearly, terror does seem to have some potential positive offsets."
"My bigger concern is that Germans are not reproducing at a high enough rate to replace those that die of old age," the Chancellor lamented. "These immigrants will solve that problem. Their willingness to bear children will more than offset our birth dearth. Surely, the loss of a few dozen individuals at the hands of the terrorist portion of the immigrants is not too high a price to pay."
"I urge all citizens who are concerned about their safety to do what I do," Merkel advised. "First, forego all unnecessary travel. For the occasions in which this is not possible, beef up your security detail. Never travel on public transit. Always ride in vehicles with bulletproof glass and body armor. Avoid public places like shopping malls, theaters, stadiums, parks, schools, libraries, and the like. Shop by phone or the Internet and have your purchases delivered whenever you can. Have a member of your domestic staff run all errands outside the home. In short, if you are sensibly cautious your chance of being murdered by a terrorist or a common criminal should be acceptably low."
In related news, some migrants are sold into slavery before they reach Europe. Since the Obama Administration liberated Libya from long-time dictator Qadaffi in 2011 the successor government has established slave markets to dispose of non-Muslim migrants entering its territory on their way to Europe. The Department for Combating Illegal Migration (DCIM) of the Ministry of the Interior justified the sales arguing that "the Quran explicitly grants Muslims the right to kill or enslave any non-Muslims who fall into our hands. This was Muhammed's practice. It is our practice. No unbelievers have the right to criticize us for it."
Anti-Abortion Midwife Loses Case
A Swedish court ruled that the government's refusal to permit Ellinor Grimmark to practice her trade as a midwife "did not violate her freedom of opinion and expression."
Judge Bebi Mordare ruled that government authorities were "within their rights to reject Ms. Grimmark's privilege of conducting her trade in defiance of regulatory standards. Blocking her from her employment does not infringe on her freedom to hold or express her opinions about abortion."
"The regulators have established professional standards that require all midwives to perform abortions if that is what the patient wishes," Mordare observed. "Ms. Grimmark's contention that she should be allowed to select the types of services she will provide is contrary to public policy. Further, her suggestion that patients wanting an abortion have many other midwives who do not have moral objections to the procedure from which to choose stems from an incorrect premise on who is empowered to make the choice. First and foremost, it is the government's prerogative to decide who will be granted the option to choose. In regard to abortions, that option has been granted to the patients. Medical personnel who balk at carrying out any patient's choice are behaving unprofessionally and may be barred from the profession."
Ms. Grimmark's unsuccessful effort to regain the right to continue her work birthing babies has left her with $170,000 in legal bills. She has moved to Norway where regulations do not require midwives to perform or participate in carrying out abortions.
In related news, Planned Parenthood awarded Hillary Clinton with a "Champion of the Century" award for "her 40 years of advocacy for women who wish to be relieved of unwanted motherhood stemming from unprotected sex. Few have played as important a role in this great cause."
Editor Says Sweden's Economy Needs More Immigrants
Åsa Linderborg, the editor of Sweden's Aftonbladet newspaper, contends that "Sweden's economy would collapse without illegal immigrants. The influx of large contingents of these people creates extra demand for housing and welfare. This helps support the building trades and social workers, not to mention stimulating Swedes to work longer hours to pay the taxes needed to fund these benefits. Even the violence springing from these unassimilated new residents provides jobs for police, firemen, hospitals, morticians, and insurance adjusters."
The fact that few of these new immigrants have jobs—only 500 of 2015's 160,000 immigrants are employed—was dismissed by Linderborg as irrelevant. "Granted, these people aren't contributing much to the supply side, but their robust demand injects a vital stimulus. In a complex economy can we really afford to reject a specialized role for different segments of the population?"
Biased Media Tougher on Democrats, Clinton Operative Says
This week, former Hillary Clinton spokeswoman Jennifer Palmeri agreed that media bias exists, but maintained that "this makes it tougher on Democrats."
"Look, when CNN or the New York Times portray Republicans as the scum they are the bar is set comfortably low," She argued. "All any Republican has to do to rise above the bar is: nothing. The mere absence of the usual crime, corruption and depravity puts them in a more positive light than they really deserve."
"The bar is set much higher for Democrats," Palmeri said. "We are expected to deliver all-star caliber performances on a daily basis. When despite our best efforts we humanly fall short from time to time the media are forced to acknowledge our failure to live up to the standards everyone expects of us. Take last year's presidential election. As Trump reeled from scandal to gaffe to racism and verbal abuse he got a pass because no one really expected anything better. In contrast, the slightest misstep from Hillary was easily blown out of proportion. Whether it was the email snafu, the "deplorables" slip of the tongue, or her occasional fatigue—she was relentlessly exposed to unwarranted scrutiny."
Palmeri expressed pessimism that this imbalance would ever be overcome. "It's so unfair," she complained. "I'm afraid that the recent effort to make CNN and the Times the arbiters of what's true and what's fake will be too little, too late. The best we can hope for is that the next Democratic Administration will be less tolerant and less merciful than President Obama was. Once all the GOP offenders are taken out the media's unfair treatment of Democrats can be better regulated via some sort of pre-publication screening and approval procedure."
In related news, prominent Democrats denounced Rep Tulsi Gabbard (D-HI) for her skepticism regarding the gas attack attributed to Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad. Former presidential candidate and Vermont Governor Howard Dean called her "a disgrace" who "should not be in Congress." Neera Tanden, close ally of Hillary Clinton, chastised voters "for electing a person with such poor judgment." Republican skeptics Sen. Rand Paul (Ky) and Rep, Thomas Massie (Ky) were not similarly denounced by GOP colleagues, a fact that Dean asserted "reveals the intolerable tolerance that demonstrates their Party's unfitness to govern."
Investigation of IRS Targeting Called "Risky"
Lois Lerner, the IRS official implicated in the agency's illegal targeting of conservative groups for discriminatory treatment, came out strongly against the suggestion by House Republicans Rep. Peter Roskam (R-Ill) and Rep. Kevin Brady (R-Texas) that the Department of Justice look into the matter.
"The reopening of an incident occurring five years ago will only stir up unnecessary interest in something that cannot be undone," Lerner pleaded. "The animosity that will be unfairly directed at me for misdeeds perpetrated by subordinates without my knowledge is risky. It would expose me to harassment and possible harm without really righting any of the wrongs that were done."
Lerner also pointed out that "the Department of Justice already considered the matter and absolved me of any culpability. For the case to be reopened now would constitute double jeopardy—something clearly prohibited by the Fifth Amendment."
"If we were to accept Ms. Lerner's reasoning it would put most serious crimes out of the reach of justice," Roskam wryly observed. "What is more irremediable than a murder? Should we let the perpetrator off the hook because his crime is 'something that cannot be undone?' The abuse of power carried out during Ms. Lerner's tenure at the IRS is something we cannot abide. An investigation and the application of appropriate remedies is essential if we hope to curb future abuses of a like nature."
Bad Publicity Sparks Change in Policy at UA
The chaotic and violent ouster of Dr. David Dao from a United Airlines' flight so an airline employee could fly in his stead has netted the company a heap of undesirable publicity. This has sparked a change in policy.
Company spokeswoman Madeleine Flake admitted that "the flaw in our procedures seemed to be the involuntary aspect of Dr. Dao's removal from the aircraft. If we could ensure voluntary exit similar scenes should be avoided in the future."
It appears that the voluntary exit of unwanted passengers will be achieved by giving flight crews the option of releasing poisonous insects from overhead bins. Flake said "the company's expectation is that once passengers are aware that noncompliance might expose them to this risk they will more readily give up their seats. A test run of the new policy was conducted on a recent flight from Houston, Texas to Calgary in Canada and we were very pleased with the results."