SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: April 30, 2017 Edition
ACLU Wants to Force Hospitals to Perform Sex Change Surgery
Last year, Mercy San Juan Medical Center in Carmichael, California refused to remove the uterus of Evan Michael Minton. Minton is in the process of transitioning from female to a simulated male body. This Catholic hospital declined to remove a healthy uterus and referred Minton to a nearby nonreligious hospital within the same Dignity Health network.
American Civil Liberties Union spokesman Bertram Petty claimed that "the hospital violated Mr. Minton's right to have whatever surgery he wants at whatever facility he chooses. The hospital's assertion that the surgery goes against its sincerely held religious beliefs is irrelevant. Under Obamacare, the option belongs solely to the patient. No person, organization, or institution has the right to resist the laws enacted by civil authorities. If we were to fail to punish this hospital it would set a dangerous precedent of allowing so-called religious freedom to undermine civil authority."
Minton said "the horror of being handed off to another hospital was excruciating and humiliating. For an American citizen to be told that he must choose from dozens of conveniently located alternative institutions that had no moral objections to performing this elective procedure is the kind of oppression we should never have to fear in this country."
"It's one thing for people to be permitted to worship as they please," Petty added. "However, we must draw a bold line clarifying that religious beliefs can never interfere with how government conducts policy. If we were to let individuals to decline to engage in actions that their beliefs characterize as abhorrent we would be giving churches a veto over public policy. The ACLU vehemently opposes the notion that our Constitution grants religion any right to project its dogma outside the church walls. Besides, doesn't the Catholic Church offer absolution to sinners if they confess? Why can't the hospital simply make use of this 'free pass' instead of mucking up the clear directives of government regulations?"
Mayor Fined for Demographic Observation
Robert Ménard, mayor of the town of Beziers in southern France, has been fined 2,000 euros for "hate speech." The "hate speech" consisted of his observation that in a school in the center of his town more than 90% of the students are Muslim.
Judge Maurice Cador called Ménard's remarks "extraordinarily insensitive toward Muslims. His defense relied upon the assertion that he spoke the truth. Under our laws truth is not a valid defense. We concede that his statement was factually accurate. However, it is the government's policy to not call attention to the rising proportion of resident aliens in our country as this could cause both discomfort for the immigrants and premature fear among native French persons."
Ménard was unimpressed by the court's reasoning. "We are letting foreigners in who do not aspire to be French," he pointed out. "Their growing numbers portend an eventual swamping of our culture and its replacement by ideas and modes of living most of us would regard as backward and oppressive. The government's preference that we be kept oblivious to the danger is insidiously foolish."
Under the Judge's ruling half the fine is to be paid to cover the court costs of the seven anti-racist organizations who brought the matter to court's attention. Two of these organizations—the League for Human Rights and SOS Racisme—are funded by left-wing billionaire George Soros.
Study Finds Long Term Migrants Less Likely to Work
A new Norwegian study from the Ragnar Frisch Center for Economic Research found that migrants become less interested in integrating with Norwegians the longer they are in the country.
Knut Røed, a senior researcher at the Frisch Center, explained the seemingly anomalous findings as "not as strange as we first thought. It seems that most of the migrants entering the country expected they would have to work in order to survive. After all, that's the way it is in the countries they came from. But as they realize that the government here will support them they quite rationally choose not to work. This turn of events is bolstered by local imams who assure the migrants that it is Allah's command that the unbelievers provide for the Muslim faithful."
Per Sandberg, Norway's acting minister for immigration and integration, called the problem "insolvable. If people don't want to work we can't force them to take jobs. That would be inhumane. I suppose that at some point the number of people on welfare will exceed the ability of the taxpayers to support them and the system will become unsustainable. Fortunately, that is not yet a matter of urgency, especially as I can conceive of no viable way to avert such a disaster."
Norwegian newspaper Verdens Gang wrote that "the findings of the study are very bad news. The very structure of our society is in jeopardy and there is nothing we can do to save it. The suggestion by right-wingers that we return to a system where each person is responsible for himself is anti-social. We cannot take that path. On the other hand, current trends will lead to collapse. It is a dilemma for which there is no answer."
In related news, the cost of the country's 318,000 Muslim refugees now constitutes 19% of Sweden's central government's annual budget. Nearly half of the cost is incurred by government efforts to deal with immigrant crime. The total cost to the government is $58,490 per refugee per year. This is more than twice the average Swedish household's disposable income of $28,859 per year. Fewer than 1% of Muslim immigrants have jobs. Nevertheless, the government remains adamant that "social justice requires we continue to rescue these troubled people."
Parade Canceled After "Antifascists" Threaten GOP Participants
A 10-year tradition of beginning Portland's annual Rose Festival with a family-friendly parade came to an end when a so-called antifascist group threatened to attack any members of the Multnomah County Republican Party who tried to participate. Ironically, bullying political opponents by threatening violence emulates the practices of the Nazi Party during Germany's Weimar Republic when the Party's brown-shirted thugs ruled the streets.
Jacob Bureros, an organizer with the Direct Action Alliance, was disappointed to hear that the parade was canceled. "This was definitely our least favored outcome," Bureros complained. "Our first choice would have been for the parade to go on minus the participation of the fascist Republicans. Our second choice would have been to have the opportunity to fight these fascists in the street. Either way, progressive values would have been put on display. Cancellation of the event has deprived us of our right to freely express ourselves."
Obama Taking "Symbolic Reparations"
Stung by critics who say that former President Barack Obama is showing inordinate greed by accepting fat payments from Wall Street for brief speeches, former Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest argued that "one of the President's greatest regrets during his time in office was his inability to establish a public program of reparations for America's historic mistreatment of racial minorities. Rather than just shrug off his disappointment he has decided to individually extract payments to compensate for those injustices."
"We mustn't overlook the fact that the $400,000 per speech fees are being paid by white men to a black man," Earnest pointed out. "We're confident that every aggrieved person of color will view this as an important symbolic representation of the intent of the reparations movement. Even though they may not personally benefit a member of their race will benefit and that has to make them feel good."
Earnest took a similar view of the $65 million book deal Barack and his wife landed with Random House for their memoirs. This payoff is four times as large as the one snared by Bill Clinton and six times higher than the one George W. Bush received. "A black man getting paid more than a pair of white men is but another example of President Obama's tireless efforts to balance the scales of justice," he contended. "The vicarious satisfaction he is providing to the African-American community is immeasurable."
Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) called the huge payments "troubling for Democrats. Wall Street has been one of our more reliable sources of campaign money. President Obama raised more money from Wall Street than any other candidate in history and Hillary was a close second. The millions that the former President is now on track to absorb will be dollars that could be better spent on promoting the election of more Democrats. Unless he is going to share some of these fees with the Party I'd have to categorize this as short-sighted and self-serving."
Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vermont) was more blunt, saying "it makes him look like a greedy bastard. Cozying up to Wall Street was what doomed Hillary Clinton's campaign. How can those of us pushing for social justice gain traction when the most prominent representatives of our philosophy take money from our class enemies? The only mitigating factor may be Lenin's prediction that the capitalists will furnish the rope we use to hang them."
UN Warns Against Repeal of Obamacare
This week the Office of the U.N. High Commissioner on Human Rights in Geneva warned the Trump Administration that repeal of the Affordable Care Act would violate international law. The warning came from Dainius Puras, Special Rapporteur on the right of everyone to the enjoyment of the highest attainable standard of physical and mental health. Puras cited Article 25 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, which he says "establishes everyone's right to a standard of living adequate for health and well-being, including food, medical care and necessary social services."
According to Puras, "repeal of the ACA would make the United States liable for international sanctions or possibly UN military intervention to safeguard the American people from being deprived of their entitlements by the wrongful actions of a lawless regime."
Democrats Make Support for Abortion Mandatory
Democratic National Committee Chairman Tom Perez declared that support for abortion is now a requirement for anyone who wants to run for office as a Democrat. "Every Democrat, like every American, should support a woman's right to make her own choices about her body and her health," Perez said. "That is not negotiable and should not change city by city or state by state."
"Democrats who believe that abortion is murder should keep this opinion to themselves for the sake of the Party," Perez explained. "We're not saying a person can't think this, only that he must not say this as it gives aid and comfort to the enemy. Destroying this enemy takes priority over religious dogma that places the well-being of embryonic tissues on an indefensible pedestal. As Democrats we hold that society's needs come before the individual's needs. Those who can't subordinate their scruples for the good of the Party have no right to call themselves Democrats."
Perez professed to be unconcerned with a recent poll showing that 28% of registered Democratic voters are opposed to abortion. "First of all, we're not saying that those opposed to abortion must get abortions," Perez pointed out. "What we're saying is that no one should be allowed to prevent another person from getting one. That includes refusing to pay for someone else's abortion with their tax dollars. Second, we don't think many of these so-called anti-abortion Democrats would leave the Party or vote against it because of this one issue when the very survival of the social welfare benefits the Party has pioneered is at stake. Is the life of an unwanted child really worth the sacrifice of these hard-won gains?"