SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: May 21, 2017 Edition
Media Assails Trump's "Witch Hunt" Accusation
President Donald Trump's accusation that the media have subjected him to "the worst witch hunt ever experienced by an American politician" was assailed by NBC's Lester Holt as "wrong in so many ways."
"Mr Trump's careless use of the language is yet another page of the case against his presidency," Holt contended. "Witches are female. The continuing efforts of the GOP to pursue charges against Hillary Clinton that former FBI Director James Comey declared baseless could be fairly described as a witch hunt. The pursuit of Trump's conspiracy with the Russians to derail her presidential bid would be more accurately termed a 'warlock hunt.'"
"Let's not forget that Republicans repeatedly dredged up allegations that Secretary Clinton misrepresented the Benghazi attack and impeded rescue, that she traded State Department favors for donations to the Clinton Foundation and hefty speaking fees for her husband, that she illegally transferred classified State Department documents to an off-site insecure computer network, that she conspired with the DNC to rig the Democratic primary in her favor—none of which has been proven beyond a reasonable doubt in a court of law," Holt pointed out. "Compare these bogus charges with the persuasive case made by Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) that the Trump campaign's use of the phrases 'crooked Hillary' and 'lock her up' show all the classic signs of a Russian disinformation operation and we can see where the truly evil machinations are coming from."
"You'd have thought that the GOP would've learned their lesson from their persecution of President Bill Clinton and failed effort to impeach him," Holt added. "There is no argument or evidence that will put us off the scent. This illegitimate administration is an artifact of a out-dated electoral college system that allowed a minority of voters to trample the will of the majority. We will not be frightened away from our duty to do everything in our power to right this wrong."
In related news, a study just released by Harvard University's Shorenstein Center on Media, Politics and Public Policy found that every one of ten of the major media outlets analyzed have had a bias toward negative portrayals of the Trump Administration. TV news from CNN, NBC, and CBS have been more than 90% negative. The New York Times and Washington Post have been more than 80% negative. Even supposedly conservative media like the Wall Street Journal and Fox News have been 70% and 52% negative. The coverage for the previous three administrations was far different, Obama got about a 60% positive slant. Bush and Clinton both got a negative slant, but with a more modest 60% negative slant.
DOJ Statements in Wake of Comey Dismissal Doubted
The hysterical media narrative that Trump's firing of FBI Director James Comey is evidence of "obstruction of justice" took several hits this week when statements from Department of Justice personnel contradicted this premise.
Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein said "I stand by my recommendation that Director Comey be fired. There were just too many instances in which he demonstrated failure and lack of adherence to clearly defined responsibilities. I was convinced that he was not and could not be an effective leader of the FBI."
Acting FBI Director Andrew McCabe rebutted the notion that Trump's action to fire Comey would have any effect on the Agency's investigation of anything. "There has been no effort to impede our investigation," McCabe said. He also denied that the Russian investigation was underfunded. "The allegation that Comey could've been fired because he sought more funding is not supported by the facts."
Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) asserted that "the statements by Rosenstein and McCabe cannot be taken at face value. After Trump has fired Comey an atmosphere of fear has gripped the nation. These men, regardless of their desire to do the right thing can't help but be intimidated. Their jobs, maybe even their lives might be on the line if they get crosswise with the President."
In related news, Rod Wheeler, a private investigator hired to look into the murder of DNC employee Seth Rich last July relayed some disturbing information about his inquiries. "So far the so-called official investigation has gone nowhere," Wheeler observed. "Despite making no progress on their own, DC police contacted my employers to communicate the DNC's concern about me 'snooping around' the case. One of the things that has come out is that tens of thousands of DNC emails were turned over to Wikileaks last year. This raises the possibility that Rich might have been murdered in retaliation for that. The raw facts of the murder don't support the official theory that he was killed in a robbery. None of his valuables—not his wallet, not his watch, not his cell phone—were stolen. The unfortunate Mr. Rich is another victim in a long string of a mysterious and unsolved homicides of individuals connected to the Democratic Party."
Governor Calls Taxpayers "Freeloaders"
California Governor Jerry Brown (D) lashed out at opponents of recent state tax increases calling them "freeloaders."
"I've had it with then," Brown complained. "They think that they have a champion in Trump whose 'siren song' of self-reliance as the way to prosperity is leading so many away from their responsibility to the human collective. The reluctance to pay taxes is selfish. It is everyone's obligation to carry their fair share of the burden. It is the government task to determine what that share is for each individual. Once that determination is made refusal to cooperate is anti-social."
The State's latest tax hike raised already high levies on gasoline and automobile registrations. Harried taxpayer Kira Davis bristled at the Governor's characterization, "without taxpayers there would be no funding for the millions of Californians on welfare and the lame public works boondoggles that are aimed at getting votes for the Democrats whose only contribution is to contrive egregious schemes to loot those who produce the wealth of this state."
Brown invited "Davis and all the other crybabies to get with the program or get out. We don't need the poison of uncooperative ideas polluting our state and slowing our progress. If we all march in step there's no limit to what we can accomplish as a society."
The Governor warned those he urged to leave the state "to abandon the hope that they will be allowed to take their money with them. All wealth is the property of all the people. Democrats control both Houses of the legislature. I see no impediment to enactment of an exit tax that will ensure that resources belonging to the state stay in the state."
In related news, illegal aliens in San Francisco are reportedly avoiding joining the welfare rolls believing that it may help them escape detection and possible deportation—a trend that Brown called "tragic. The whole point of immigrating to America is to share in the abundance that nature has bestowed on our great country. This behavior inspired by Trump's hostility to others partaking of the American dream is, in my opinion, an impeachable offense."
Candidate Says "Sexploits" Make Him Ideal Person to Govern
Noah Dyer, a Democratic candidate for governor in Arizona, boasts that "my extensive sexual experiences equip me to understand the issues most important to the citizens of this state. For adults, and some children, sex is the most rewarding activity they will ever know. Few others understand this as well as I do. That will be the key to my ascension to the throne of governor."
Dyer laid out his qualifications arguing that "my frequent casual sex, sex with married women, sex with multiple partners at once, sexting, and video-taping my sexual encounters demonstrate an unprecedented transparency among those of us who will seek votes in the upcoming race. My willingness to share videos of myself having sex with beautiful people will dominate the insipid family photos that my opponents will try to pass off as proof of their fitness."
The candidate said he couldn't "rule out the possibility that the vast number of individuals who have enjoyed my lovemaking might constitute a majority of eligible voters in the state. When you've banged as many people as I have it gives you a great deal of confidence in your own ability to service the rest of the state. Once I am governor I expect many more satisfied partners will ensure that I am not a one-termer."
Study Shows Journalists Have Defective Brains
A study conducted for the London Press Club by neuroscientist Tara Swart found that journalists have a below-average ability to regulate their emotions, suppress biases, solve complex problems, switch between tasks, and show creative and flexible thinking.
"It's kind of ironic when you think about it," Swart observed. "Here we have a profession that is entrusted to inform the general population and sees itself as a guardian of truth. Yet, this study shows their brains are operating at a lower level than those of the average person."
CNN's Jim Acosta challenged the study calling it "the worst slander of a profession in the annals of world history. It could hardly be more obvious that Swart is on Putin's payroll. What she sees as a lack of creative and flexible thinking is refuted by the daily creativity we have shown in generating scandals against Trump and the flexibility we have demonstrated in shifting the focus of public discussion using unverified sources."
Acosta bragged that "some of our best ideas are born during 'happy hour.' Because Trump never imbibes he cuts himself off from this tried and true well of inspiration that writers have used for centuries. Look at the great journalist Hunter Thompson. I'd take his lubricated output over Trump's soberest thoughts any day of the week."
Apprised of Acosta's remarks, Swart replied that "while Mr. Acosta was not part of the group we studied, his comments are consistent with our findings."