SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: June 18, 2017 Edition
Mueller Expands Staff
In the wake of former FBI Director James Comey's admission that there is no evidence of collusion between Trump and the Russians to rig last year's presidential election, independent counsel Robert Mueller has initiated a major expansion of his staff.
"Inasmuch as it is inconceivable that a person as qualified as Secretary Clinton could be beaten by a boorish amateur like Donald Trump in a fair contest, there has to have been some sort of underhanded manipulation involved," Mueller reasoned. "My good friend James Comey valiantly tried to soldier on before he was improperly dismissed by his obviously guilty target. Clearly, this calls for ramping up the effort to generate actionable charges against an illegitimate usurper."
Thus far, Mueller has added 13 new attorneys—all with notable ties to the Democratic Party—to his prosecuting team. "One of the things that I think hampered Jim's effort was his reliance on the politically unvetted staff of career FBI personnel," Mueller opined. "It's likely that some of those personnel harbored secret sympathy with Trump and the Republican Party. I can see how that would have impeded the investigation. My recruitment of a staff that has a unified worldview ensures that everyone will be coming at this from the same direction."
Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) warned Republicans against questioning Mueller's actions or integrity. "Rather than assail the political affiliations of the most qualified lawyers in the country Republicans ought to be asking themselves why those at the top of the profession are all Democrats," Schumer advised. "Why should the Independent Counsel have to bypass the best in a vain attempt to simulate a balanced or unbiased image?"
One Republican who is not heeding Schumer's warning is President Trump who labeled Mueller's actions "the single greatest WITCH HUNT in American political history" and suggested that Mueller's long personal relationship with Comey and his connections to the Democratic Party manifest a "conflict of interest."
The language of the special counsel statute would seem to require Mueller to recuse himself from serving. According to the statute, a person cannot serve as a special counsel if he has "a personal relationship with any person substantially involved in the investigation or prosecution." Mueller's long-term personal relationship with the "substantially involved" Comey appears disqualifying.
Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) insisted that "Mueller's friendship toward Comey shouldn't be used against him. If anything, it should reinforce our confidence that the two of them could work together in a common cause. Let us not forget that it was Comey's leak of a memo he wrote that got the ball rolling on the whole special counsel thing. Removing Mueller and bringing in some stranger would jettison the symbiotic benefits of allowing a proven partnership to continue this vital persecution."
Schiff went on to add that "Trump may think that as president he can control who works for the executive branch, but previous presidents who tried to act on that premise were impeached. In 1868, President Andrew Johnson was impeached for firing a cabinet member without consulting congress. In 1974, President Nixon only escaped impeachment by resigning after he fired special prosecutor Archibald Cox. Trump may think that because there is no evidence of any illegal collusion between his campaign and the Russians that further investigation would be fruitless, but he is wrong. Bush adviser Scooter Libby committed no initial crime, but his inconsistent answers under interrogation obstructed the investigation and sent him to prison."
In related news, Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-Vt) demanded that Trump desist from using social media while he is under investigation, contending that "his 'tweets' are akin to 'jury-tampering.' The 'jury' in the case of Trump is going to be the US Senate after the House impeaches him. Allowing Trump to attempt to influence Senators by tweeting to their constituents would poison the jury pool. Senators need to be free from outside influences so we can vote to remove him from office without fear of political repercussions."
Dems Respond to Attempted Massacre of GOP Lawmakers
This week's rifle assault by former Sanders for President volunteer James Hodgkinson on Republican members of congress practicing for the annual charity baseball game with their Democratic colleagues severely wounded House Majority Whip Steve Scalise (R-La) and injured several others. The assault had apparently been planned after the New York Times published the location of the GOP practice back in April.
Law enforcement authorities profess themselves baffled and unable to conceive of a motive for the attack. Hodgkinson's Internet post asserting "Trump is a Traitor. Trump Has Destroyed Our Democracy. It's Time To Destroy Trump & Co." and the fact that he was a member of "Terminate the Republican Party" Facebook Group was described by Acting FBI Director Andrew McCabe as "too ambiguous and vague to provide much of a clue."
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) blamed Republicans "for instigating the cycle of violence when they smeared President Bill Clinton for having sex with a White House intern. That a nation's ruler would have sexual liaisons with a variety of women is a time-honored tradition extending back to David and Bathsheba. More recently President Kennedy hooked up with many nubile young women. This right of rulers was disrespected by Republicans when they impeached our president for being a normal man."
"The cycle was reinvigorated when the GOP refused to support President Obama's transformation of the United States," Pelosi continued. "At virtually every turn they resisted him—claiming that his programs were unwise or too expensive. Then there was the misogynistic denial of Hillary Clinton's rightful claim to the presidency. We shouldn't be surprised that the GOP's racist, anti-progressive and sexist attitudes have spurred downtrodden individuals like Mr. Hodgkinson, who no doubt was upset by the injustice done to Secretary Clinton, to take desperate measures."
Malcolm Harris, who writes for The Washington Post called Hodgkinson's sniper attack "an act of self-defense. As Rep. Pelosi so aptly pointed out, the Republican health care bill will literally kill Americans. So they shouldn't be surprised if some of their intended victims try to preempt this threat. What saddens me is that Hodgkinson wasn't a better marksman."
In Nebraska, Chelsey Gentry-Tipton, chairwoman of the state Democratic Party's Black Caucus, found the shooting and its aftermath humorous, saying that "watching the congressman crying on live TV about the trauma they experienced—why is this so funny? I'm having a hard time feeling bad for them."
In related news, right-wing vandals in New York altered a freeway exit sign on Sagtikos Parkway changing it from "Crooked Hill Rd" to "Crooked Hillary." Governor Andrew Cuomo called the stunt "an ill-timed escalation of the tensions between the Republican Party and the rest of America. Instead of joining with Democrats to enact sensible gun-control they're taking this latest tragedy as an opportunity to insult a great American. This plumbs new depths of depravity from a segment of the political spectrum that has a sordid history of disrespect for manners and justice."
Trump Ends Y2K Spending
Though it may come as a shock to many, a government program designed to prepare the nation for the devastation that would be inflicted when the calendar rolled over from a century in which the years began with the number "19" to one in which the years began with the number "20" is still incurring expenditures 17 years after the "crisis" fizzled.
Office of Management and Budget Director Mick Mulvaney declared that "the amount of useless trash that is still being funded way past any reasonably conceived purpose is phenomenal. To begin with, the hysteria attached to the effect that the turn of the century would have on computers was unwarranted. If there was ever any need for any spending on this project in the years leading up to 2000 that need has long since expired."
J. David Cox, president of the American Federation of Government Employees took a different stance. "The termination of a program with what can only be described as a solid history of success is short-sighted," he said. "To penalize the employees responsible for this success by eliminating their jobs because they are no longer necessary is both cruel and unusual and, consequently, clearly unconstitutional. Neither the Bush nor the Obama Administration tried to take the nation down this treacherous path of ingratitude. That Trump would do so is yet another affront that should be added to the growing list of crimes and misdemeanors supporting his impeachment."
Londoners Arrested for Anti-Muslim Internet Posts
London Mayor Sadiq Khan praised the bravery and initiative of City police in their quick response to anti-Muslim commentary following recent terrorist attacks in Manchester and London. "The adherence of Muslims to the tenets of their faith is protected by laws guaranteeing freedom of religion," he said. "As pointed out by Shaikh Mohammad Tawhidi in Australia earlier this week, it is not a sin for a Muslim to kill a non-believer. It is a sin for a Christian to not turn the other cheek. By the tenets of the two faiths there is no justification for the criticism leveled against Islam by those non-believers who have not yet been killed by Muslims."
Metropolitan Police Commissioner Cressida Dick seconded the Mayor's comments. "Islamophobia is intolerable," Dick proclaimed. "Members of the Muslim community should not have to live in fear that their faith will be assailed by the survivors of a religiously justified strike against unbelievers. Our police force stands ever ready and alert to stamp out the anti-Muslim hate crime of slandering those who fight the unbelievers."
To make sure the message of official intolerance of Islamophobia is received, Dick announced a doubling of patrols near mosques "to deter a repeat of the heinous hate crime perpetrated after the jihadist attack on London Bridge." The heinous crime: strips of bacon left on automobile windshields. "Being murdered doesn't imperil a Christian's hope of salvation," Dick explained. "Coming in contact with pork condemns a Muslim to damnation. Clearly, this is the greater threat and we must allocate our limited resources accordingly."