SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: November 5, 2017 Edition
Clinton Assails Trump's "Lack of Empathy"
Failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton lambasted President Donald Trump for his "lack of empathy" following the New York City terror attack that killed eight people. "Calling the unfortunate man who was driven to make this attack an 'animal' and demanding he face the death penalty was so cruel and callous," the former Secretary of State asserted. "Where was the sympathy for a man wrested from his native Uzbekistan and thrust into an America teeming with the unbelievers that his faith commands him to kill?"
She went on to contrast "Trump's bloodthirsty desire for vengeance with the kindness and compassion shown by previous presidents. Bill had numerous opportunities to apprehend or take out Osama bin Laden, but restrained himself out of respect for Muslim cultural differences. Similarly, President Obama urged calm and forgiveness rather than violent retribution when our ambassador to Libya was accidentally killed."
"I suppose we shouldn't be surprised," Clinton said. "I tried to warn voters that Trump's efforts to draw sharp distinctions between friends vs. enemies, criminals vs. victims, bad guys vs. good guys was the kind of thinking that ignored our common humanity. Rather than try to understand why Muslims feel compelled to kill us or why criminals seek a redistribution of wealth, Trump just condemns behavior he doesn't like and abuses the presidency to cram his backward, anti-progressive way of seeing things down our throats."
In related news, the editors at the New York Times advised people not to be alarmed when they hear someone screaming Allahu Akbar, calling it "just an everyday phrase" and the violence that frequently ensues immediately afterward as "an easily misunderstood behavior. Those of us familiar with the Quran recognize that killing unbelievers is a sacred obligation for practitioners of Islam. It's as important for Muslims as confession is for Catholics. Its blanket condemnation by President Trump is a dangerous sign of the impending tyranny his Administration would impose against constitutionally protected freedom of religion in our country."
2016 Democratic Primaries Rigged
This week, an excerpt from former Democratic National Committee Chairwoman Donna Brazile's forthcoming book asserted that the DNC conspired with Hillary Clinton to rig the Party's primary system to cheat Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders out of the presidential nomination. Ironically, Brazile lost her gig at CNN when Wikileaks revealed that she abetted the cheating by giving Hillary Clinton an advance peak at debate questions.
Brazile expressed shock that in exchange for a $20 million cash payment, the DNC under her predecessor Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Fla) sold controlling interest to Hillary Clinton. "I don't know whether that was illegal, but it sure was unusual," Brazile wrote. "Normally, control over the National Committee isn't transferred to a candidate until after the nomination is secured at the convention."
Clinton expressed surprise following the publication of Brazile's contention, saying "from what I've heard, Donna hasn't been well. Perhaps a brain tumor has addled her thinking. The $20 million was a straightforward purchase of controlling interest much like many of the purchases made by Trump on his way to becoming a billionaire. Why is it okay for him to buy a hotel, but not for me to buy a political party? Trying to make my purchase look illegitimate is yet another example of the sexism that wrecked my campaign's chances."
Rep. Luis Gutiérrez (D-IL) announced that Brazile's evidence will be added to the impeachment case he is building against President Trump. "The dire threat that Mr. Trump's candidacy posed to America drove the most highly esteemed candidate that ever sought the office to have to resort to irregular tactics," Gutiérrez charged. "Corrupting her virtue in such a manner is the highest crime imaginable."
In related news, in testimony before the Senate Intelligence Committee, Sean Edgett, Acting General Counsel for Twitter, Inc., admitted that "despite our efforts to stack the deck against him, Trump was able to effectively use Twitter to boost his campaign. We were able to suppress nearly 50% of the negative tweets about Clinton while allowing all the negative tweets about Trump to freely flow through our network. Clinton originated twice as many tweets as Trump did, but his tweets were re-tweeted twice as often. This type of clever and anarchic devolution of control from the company to its customers is a problem we are looking into."
Sessions Recuses Himself Again
Attorney General Jeff Sessions told a small group of congressmen that he can't open an investigation nor name a special prosecutor to look into the corruption surrounding 2010's Uranium One deal because he has, once again, recused himself.
As Sessions explained, "any person involved in any investigation must have no prior knowledge of the parties likely to be under scrutiny. Well, I have prior knowledge of Mrs. Clinton, President Obama, Robert Mueller, and James Comey—each of whom has fingerprints all over that uranium thing. You see, it's like a juror being discharged if he knows any of the participants in a trial. Frankly, I don't see how anyone who's paid any attention to the news over the past eight years wouldn't have to recuse himself. That wouldn't seem to leave anyone available to take up the case. I know it seems stupid, but that's how our blind justice system is supposed to work."
Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-Fla), one of the congressmen who witnessed Sessions recusing himself characterized the AG's reasoning as "lame and confused. If every prosecutor took such a stance no person of notoriety could ever be brought to justice. Sessions' passing of the buck to Rosenstein—a lesser known person who may also be implicated in the Uranium One scandal—is senseless and irresponsible."
Candidate Discovers She's Black
Noted Native-American fabulist Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) made an early bid to lock up the Black vote for a prospective 2020 presidential run by discovering that in addition to being part Cherokee she is also part Black.
"Just this last week I was told by a ninth cousin that our great-great-great grandmother was a slave who was serially raped by John Calhoun back in the 1850s and bore him more than a dozen children," Warren told a Black audience earlier this week. "I am proud to say that I am one of the descendants of one of those children."
The Senator alleged that "this bond of blood makes me especially qualified to represent those of us who have been oppressed because of the color of our skin. I wish that I would have known of my heritage earlier in my life. I could have opened some more doors for myself. But maybe the momentum from this later realization can open the door of the White House to this belatedly aware biracial woman."
Warren pledged to "focus on the continuing mistreatment of my people we see in our public institutions. I will work to remove math from the public school curriculum. Studies have shown that Blacks fail this subject at far higher rates than their share of the school population. In this age of computers it is a skill no longer needed to live in modern America. Likewise, I will work to free the Black men who disproportionately fill our prisons. Not acting white shouldn't be a crime. True diversity realizes the subjectivity of values and doesn't impose a moral code that is unsuitable for subsets of our society."
Rev. Al Sharpton, a member of the audience Warren was addressing professed himself to be "tepidly optimistic" about her candidacy. "While I like her program I am not persuaded she would be an authentic spokesperson for Black liberation. I'm thinking maybe Michelle Obama would be a better vehicle for our message, though I do have my reservations concerning her demand that all men be neutered."
In related news, the mysterious appearance around the country of flyers saying "it's okay to be white" has struck terror among assorted minorities. Principal Renay Johnson of Montgomery Blair High School in Silver Spring, Maryland, said "the appearance of these flyers at our school is the most frightening incident I could have imagined ever happening here. It directly contradicts what we are trying to teach our students. The perpetrators must be hunted down and punished to full extent of what the law allows."
NYC Jihadi Pleased with Himself
New York City attack suspect Sayfullo Saipov professed himself "pleased with the outcome of my holy jihad against the unbelievers. I could have slain more if it hadn't been for the interference of the bus and getting shot by the police, but eight is a respectable count. Luckily, one of those I killed was a Jew. I will get extra benefits in paradise for that. If every Muslim could slay as many unbelievers as I have all religions except for Islam would be erased from the Earth."
John Miller, deputy New York police commissioner for intelligence, said "Saipov appears to have followed, almost exactly to a T, the instructions that Isis has put out." This observation inspired Mayor Bill de Blasio to declare "today, I am a Muslim and I urge every resident of this great City to weigh the risks and rewards of not making the smarter and safer choice. Consider—Bible, Quran—these are just books with words that few people read. If you reject the Bible no priest or rabbi is likely to try to kill you. Meanwhile, you would be eliminating a Muslim's incentive to kill you. Once we are all nominally Muslim the madness can cease."
Shat al-Ott, Imam of the Paterson New Jersey radical mosque attended by Saipov, dismissed de Blasio's recommendation, calling it "insincere. Islam is not a phony religion like Christianity. It requires full devotion, daily prayer, pilgrimages, and a willingness to fight for the spread of the faith. Anyone who is not willing to kill or risk being killed in this struggle is not a true Muslim and must be slain."
In related news, Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif) dismissed President Trump's demand that we end the diversity visa lottery program that facilitated the terrorist's entry, and that of 23 of his family members, into the United States as "absurd. The actions of Mr. Saipov demonstrate that the program is working like it's supposed to work. What could be more diverse than killing a random bunch of people out of religious devotion? The chances of finding a 'home-grown' American who would do such a thing are exceedingly slim. If Trump's effort toward excluding people of different faiths and customs is successful we would be isolated from world-wide trends that are reshaping what it means to live in modern times. Europe has adjusted to the new 'normal.' Do we really want to be left behind?"