SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: December 10, 2017 Edition
House Hearing Reveals Pattern of Bias in FBI
In FBI Director Christopher Wray's testimony before a House committee earlier this week it became apparent that the FBI exhibited a pattern of inconsistent treatment and bias in the way the agency has handled investigations of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump over the last two years.
Chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) called the revelations "very damaging to the reputation and credibility of the FBI. Even though there appears to be considerable evidence that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton violated the law, the agency. under then Director James Comey, bent over backwards to excuse and cover up these crimes. Comey even went so far as to assert that no prosecutor would have gone forward with a case against Clinton. As a former prosecutor myself, I strongly disagree."
"In contrast to the 'free pass' given to Clinton, Special Counsel Mueller's investigation of supposed collusion between Donald Trump and Russia has resembled Inspector Javert's relentless pursuit of Jean Valjean," Gowdy said. "He has staffed his team with a bevy of Clinton partisans, including a few who appear to have aided in covering up her misdeeds. After more than six months on the case, there is still no evidence of a Trump/Russia collusion. Instead there is an indication that both the Clinton campaign and the FBI may be implicated in manufacturing the bogus GPS dossier and that this false document was used to secure a FISA warrant to spy on the Trump campaign."
Willard Weezel, spokesman for Comey, attempted to clarify the former FBI Director's stance, saying that "Director Comey wasn't simply addressing the legal issues, but was also weighing the practical issues. On the one hand, if he had referred the matter to Attorney General Lynch it would have seriously damaged a major Party's chances to win an upcoming election. Keeping the FBI out of politics was an important objective."
"On the other hand, people engaging in actions that could have a negative impact on the Clintons seem to experience an unusually high frequency of untimely fatal accidents and suicides," Weezel observed. "So, derailing a possible investigation of the former Secretary probably saved a few lives. Rather than condemning Director Comey for letting one guilty person get away, he deserves the nation's thanks for helping save some lives."
In related news, it turns out that Aaron Zebley, a member of Mueller's investigative team, represented Justin Cooper, the man who enabled Hillary Clinton's efforts to evade scrutiny of her communications by setting up an unsecure server in her Chappaqua home where she illegally transferred and stored classified government documents. Cooper also destroyed Clinton's BlackBerries with a hammer to prevent them from being entered as evidence of her lawbreaking. Zebley's efforts included stonewalling congressional attempts to interview Cooper.
Franken Persecuted by Democrats
Despite asserting "I've done nothing wrong" and expressing confidence that he would have been cleared of wrongdoing by a Senate Ethics Committee investigation, Sen Al Franken (D-Minn) announced that he would be resigning his seat "in the next few weeks."
Franken, pressured by dozens of his fellow Democrats to "resign for the good of the Party," complained about "the double standard in our society that lets Donald Trump get away with boasting about groping women, but hangs me because I actually took the initiative to interact with these women. As Trump said on the Access Hollywood tape 'women let you get away with anything when you're a celebrity.' Well, I am a celebrity as a senator and was a celebrity as a TV star and comedian. Why can't I get away with it?"
The Senator pointed out that "my interactions were inspired by my respect for women and their delectable bosoms and buttocks. What my accusers are claiming was unwanted touching were merely my expression of affection for their being willing to be in the same room with me. That some of the women I have touched would turn against me after all I've done to uphold their right to have abortions seems cold and ungrateful. But I will do my best to try to understand and adapt to the new social norms that are being forced on me."
While contending that "Franken was railroaded for behavior that has traditionally been tolerated as a 'perk' of powerful men," MSNBC's Chris Matthews argued that "the sacrifice of a rising star in the Democratic Party on the basis of what were either unproven allegations or minor infractions shows that the worst anyone can say about Democrats is that they are too pure. Franken had a choice between resigning or switching to the GOP where molesting women is an accepted standard. That he chose the nobler option while Trump and Moore cling to their political aspirations is a clear distinction of which Party has the moral high ground."
Matthews dismissed the more spectacular allegations against former President Clinton and Senator Kennedy as "moot points since neither currently holds public office. Besides, no woman ever demanded that they resign. At the very least, that is prima facie evidence that their interactions were all consensual."
In related news, Rep. Ruben Kihuen (D-Nev) refuses to resign over sexual harassment accusations. He says he had House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi's permission: "She knew all about this before I was elected in 2016. She even donated to my campaign. I'm not going to let her add my scalp to her trophy case."
Kaepernick Awarded Ho Chi Minh Red Star
This week Colon Kaepernick, the original "kneeling football player," was honored with the annual Ho Chi Minh Red Star award for his efforts against capitalist oppression. The gem-encrusted jewel was presented by 1972 award recipient Jane Fonda at the ACLU of Southern California's annual Bill of Rights Dinner.
Fonda hailed "Kaepernick's extraordinary courage in the face of the extreme dangers he endured while being forced to risk life and limb for the amusement of unjustly rich team owners and rabidly racist fans of the barbaric sport as a player and the enmity of those who disrespected his right to disrespect the United States National Anthem and flag. His defiance has inspired fellow players to join his protest and fellow antifascists to take to the streets. He is truly America's top anti-capitalist of the year."
Obama Claims Credit for Booming Economy
Rosy economic statistics showing a robust 3.3% annual growth in gross domestic product and an all time low in the unemployment rate for Hispanics prompted former President Barack Obama to assert that "the real credit for this good news belongs to me."
"Trump wants everyone to believe that his relaxation of regulations and championing of tax cuts deserve the credit," Obama said. "What he and everyone else is overlooking is that the stringent regulations and high taxes that prevailed for my eight year term built up the 'coiled spring' pressure that, when released by Trump's moves, allowed the economy to rebound to rates of growth never achieved during the period of sacrifice I forced the nation to endure."
"I wasn't overlooking that," House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) insisted. "That's why its so important that we stop the Republican tax cut bill. The loosening and stimulating effects of this bill would undermine the coiled spring effects that President Obama and Congress worked so hard to impose on our economy over the previous eight years."
Pelosi was particularly wary of what she characterized as "the narcotic-like addiction of lower tax rates on the average American worker. If the GOP bill passes, a typical family would see an average tax cut of more than a thousand dollars a year for the next ten years. This would deter them from working overtime or taking second jobs. They'd put in fewer hours working to pay the taxes needed to pay benefits to the poor. It's bad enough that the unilateral moves toward deregulation that President Trump has taken have increased the number of jobs available. Soon he will be expecting many of those on welfare to take some of these jobs. Their loss of leisure time would be catastrophic to their lifestyle. It would be like Armageddon for these Americans and the Democrats who champion their rights to sustenance and freedom from wage slavery."
Massachusetts Democratic Senator Elizabeth Warren echoed Pelosi's opposition to the tax cut bill calling it "a vile and despicable scam that every right-thinking American must oppose," even though she herself refuses to read the legislation because "I don't want to pollute my mind with such trash."
Trump Recognizes Jerusalem as Israeli Capital
After three previous presidents neglected to abide by legislation ordering the United States to recognize Jerusalem as the capital of Israel, President Trump obeyed the law by announcing that we will be moving our embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem.
The move was denounced by Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah who contends that "this humiliation of 1.5 billion Muslims is immoral and illegal. Allah has given all the world to the Muslims. Trump's attempt to claim Jerusalem for Satan and his Jewish demons contradicts the eternal laws written in the Quran. Death and sorrow will be the payment extracted from the Jews and their allies."
Nasrallah's statement was followed by the vandalization of a Kosher restaurant in Amsterdam. Reinier van Dantzig, who heads the the left-leaning Democrats 66 Party's faction on the Amsterdam City Council blamed "Trump's kowtowing to Zionist extremists and ignoring the sensitivities of the Muslim minority that lives among us." Herman Loonstein, who heads the Federative Jewish Netherlands group, condemned van Dantzig's statement. "It is not the Jew who owns the restaurant, nor the government of Israel, nor the President of the United States that is responsible," he said. "It is the man who smashed the windows. Placing the blame where it doesn't belong was the cowardly and obscene tactic of the Nazis for their Kristallnacht atrocity. We must not emulate their example."
Sen. Diane Feinstein (D-Calif) also denounced Trump's decision calling it "an invitation to violence. It's not so much a question of what is right, but what is prudent. Twenty years ago, I was an idealistic young woman who voted for the law mandating the recognition of Jerusalem as Israel's capital because it was the right thing to do. I now oppose this because it is the prudent thing to do. Over the last two decades Islam has become much more deadly in its assault against other faiths. Rather than inflame Muslims by challenging their right to rule the world, the safer course is to entangle them in unending negotiations—as has been the policy of our government under the three successive administrations prior to the current one."
Presidential Press Secretary Sarah Sanders pointed out that "all of the violence carried out by Islamic extremists—the World Trade Center attack, the Orlando nightclub massacre, and the San Bernardino shootings, to name some prominent examples—has occurred during a period in which the United States has refused to recognize the capital chosen by the Israeli government. It doesn't seem to me that the era of appeasement has been much of a factor in mitigating Islamic violence. Maybe it's time to try a strong stand and do the right thing."
In related news, Gerard Araud, the French ambassador to the U.S., took the occasion of December 7 to blame "the refusal of the United States to stop Hitler before his troops invaded France in 1940 led directly to the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor in 1941. If the Americans had come to our aid earlier Japan would not have dared to attack them." The Ambassador failed to mention that in 1938 France and England assisted Hitler in dismembering Czechoslovakia in the infamous Munich Agreement.