SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: April 15, 2018 Edition
Comey's "Tell All" Book Published
The "tell all" book written by James Comey, the FBI Director fired by Trump on the advice of FBI Deputy Director Rod Rosenstein in May of 2017, was released to reviewers this week and will be released to the general public next week. In sum, the book tries to make the case that Trump is "unfit to govern."
"What most people don't realize is that Trump is much shorter than me," the Ex-FBI Director wrote. "I'm 6' 8" and he is only 6' 3". That's a whole five inches shorter. And that's not his only five-inch shortage. I peeked in the men's room and by my reckoning Trump's schlong is at least five inches shorter than mine. If voters had known this prior to his election I don't think they would've pulled the lever for such a woefully undermanned candidate."
Other startling revelations from Comey's book included his observation that "up close, the President appears to be unpleasantly fat and disturbingly orange. These are not the attributes of a leader of the free world. The regrettable ascension of Trump to this nation's highest office is a big step down from the impeccably dressed and impressively svelte Barack Obama who so gracefully occupied this august position for an incredibly fulfilling and amazing eight years, racking up triumph after triumph in the eyes of the world."
Comey contrasted what he called "Trump's unethical and untethered to the truth values" with "President Obama's scandal-free reign. Trump is at odds with the values and beliefs of everyone who has been a member of the elite that has governed this country for generations. It is fortunate that embedded members of this elite, including myself until I was fired, have been able to leak details of this man's disturbing deviation from accepted norms since his wrongful electoral seizure of power. We can only hope that the continued resistance of these patriots will be enough to undo the mistake voters made by electing Trump."
Interestingly, Comey admitted that he made the decision to exonerate Hillary Clinton for her illegal use of an unsecure off-site email system aimed at hiding her illicit monetization of her power as the US Secretary of State "so as not to taint her presidency. All the polls showed that she would win handily. I felt it would be bad for the country if her illegal activities were permitted to cloud her inevitable administration. Once the unthinkable happened and Trump won, I did whatever I could to try to rectify this catastrophe."
President Trump said he was "surprised that Comey would so eagerly boast that he illegally leaked classified information, derailed an FBI investigation into Hillary's crimes, and used an unverified political hit piece to dupe the FISA Court to approve spying on my campaign. Usually criminals try to hide their crimes. That he would be so brazen and that the fake news media would be so excessive in their praise of these criminal acts is an outrage."
In related news, the Yale Law School announced the creation of a fund honoring the legacy of 1973 graduate Hillary Clinton. The announcement was hailed by former classmate Guy Swindel who said "I think starting a fund to accumulate money in Clinton's name would be a fitting tribute to someone who has been amazingly successful in enriching herself from the generosity of supporters and her skillful wielding of the various public offices she has held. No one else, to my knowledge, has done as much with as little personal effort or integrity."
FaceBook CEO Testifies, Apologizes to Congress
FaceBook CEO Mark Zuckerberg underwent two days of interrogation before members of the House and Senate looking into his firm's invasion of privacy and political misuse of personal information. The tech wiz apologized for "allowing this information to fall into the wrong hands" and vowed to "introduce procedures to prevent any recurrence of the tragic event that befell the nation on November 8th 2016."
In an effort to persuade members of Congress that "we are on the case," Zuckerberg cited a couple of recent measures he said "will hopefully purge dangerous content from using FaceBook to promote antisocial attitudes and policies." The first example, he cited was "banning the posting of a crucifix on the FaceBook page of the Franciscan University of Steubenville. This image of what can only be adequately described as 'torture porn' is the type of abuse of our platform that we will work very hard to eliminate going forward."
The second example Zuckerberg offered up "was our ban of the unsafe posts put on FaceBook by Diamond and Silk. I know that these fans of Donald Trump believe they are exercising their freedom of speech, but I want to assure Congress that this alleged freedom doesn't extend to hate speech that makes other users of our platform feel uncomfortable. Not only was there the potential of psychological harm, there was also the possibility of physical harm if those offended by the posts took to the streets to vandalize buildings, beat up political opponents, or confront police. At FaceBook we don't remain passive under a delusion that we should remain neutral when improper ideas are voiced. We take a proactive approach to nip them in the bud. My biggest regret is that we didn't take this strong stance prior to the 2016 election."
Zuckerberg brushed aside criticism that FaceBook's censoring of the two minority women might be construed as "racist," saying that "race is not just a skin color. It also embodies an internal attitude and an external pattern of behavior that either is or isn't authentic. Clearly, no authentic black person would be a political supporter of Trump. Diamond and Silk are obviously suffering from a false consciousness. By blocking their political delusions we are actually trying to help them get back on track with the vast majority of their racial peers."
In related news, fellow tech tycoon Jack Dorsey, CEO of Twitter, gave a "thumbs up" to an article calling for Republicans to be wiped out in a new "Civil War." According to the article written by Peter Leyden, "the Republican party is now so morally indefensible on every level that it is equivalent to the Confederacy of 1861. It deserves to be pounded into submission or oblivion just like Jefferson Davis and Robert E. Lee and their r4edneck minions were."
Economy Continues to Be Battered by Tax Cut Law
News that US corporations expect the recently completed first quarter of 2018 to be the "best ever" has reignited Democrat promises to repeal the tax cut enacted late last year.
Vermont Socialist Sen. Bernie Sanders called the news "supremely depressing. To think that a democratically elected legislature could take such a heartless action to endorse the heightened expropriation of the surplus value of labor that Marx demonstrated is owed to the working class is shameful. It is essential that voters elect a socialist majority this Fall so Congress can repeal this abomination."
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) pledged "to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with my good friend Bernie in the fight for social justice. It's bad enough that corporations are gorging on the money that rightfully belongs to the working class. Worse, the tax cut has pushed even more Americans into the workforce against their will. The Department of Labor has just reported that the number of people receiving unemployment benefits is at a 44-year low. In November, voters will have a stark and clear cut choice between the Republican scheme to put everyone into wage slavery for the profit of big business or the Democratic promise of freedom from toil. It's as simple as that."
Well, maybe it isn't as simple as Pelosi imagines. The Congressional Budget Office just released an updated budget forecast admitting that previous analyses had underestimated the positive impact of the tax cuts on economic growth and prosperity. "At this juncture it looks like the tax cuts may well pay for themselves with the extra income coming from expanded economic activity throughout the economy. This means that taxpayers may enjoy more money in their pockets without the government suffering from a larger deficit."
In related news, Jesse Jackson denounced Kroger's closing of unprofitable stores in minority neighborhoods as "rascist. We must no longer tolerate businesses using the excuse that insufficient sales justifies shutting down operations. It's past time that we move beyond the capitalistic notion that profit is necessary if a business is to survive. If stores in certain neighborhoods have too few customers the appropriate response is for the government to step in and either subsidize those stores or take them over and run them for people, not profit."
ACLU Praises Breach of "Attorney Client Privilege"
This week in an unprecedented move, Special Counsel Robert Mueller engineered a raid on President Trump's long-time lawyer Michael Cohen that seized all of his files and documents. The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) lauded this piercing of the President's and Cohen Fourth and Fifth Amendment rights against unreasonable searches and denial of due process, calling them "warranted exceptions."
As ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty explained "the Bill of Rights is intended to protect innocent people from tyrannical abuses. In this case, everyone agrees that Trump and his associates are 'bad hombres' and as such, not entitled to any rights that might impede prosecution for their misdeeds."
"When a knowledgeable person like former FBI Director James Comey characterizes Trump as akin to a 'mob boss' that is all the 'probable cause' needed to justify the seizure of any and all evidence that might prove his or his goons' guilt," Petty contended. "The early leaks of the content of some of the documents seized indicates that Cohen has acted on numerous occasions to payoff persons blackmailing his clients. For example, Cohen negotiated a payment of $1.6 million to a former Playboy model who who claimed she was impregnated by Republican National Committee deputy finance chairman Elliott Broidy. While paying off blackmailers is not per se illegal we think that this information has political value and that denying the general public and the Democratic Party access to such information is unfair and potentially a violation of campaign finance statutes."
Petty argued that "the FBI's assurance that the violation of the Fourth Amendment is for good cause and its promise that the Agency will adhere to its own procedural standards before leaking any of the information extracted from Mr. Cohen's confidential files ought to be sufficient justification for this unusual and extraordinary action. We must be flexible in our interpretation of the Constitution. Rigid conformity to a simplistic principle ought not to block the pursuit of a broader concept of justice."
In related news, FBI Deputy Director Rod Rosenstein explained the Agency's forecast that it would be at least three years before it releases the anti-Thump communications between agent Peter Strzok and FBI lawyer Lisa Page because "we need to be sure that the statute of limitations for all the criminal acts of these two employees have expired. This is the Agency's normal procedure for guarding FBI staff from legal liability that could affect their pensions and/or their freedom."
Planned Parenthood Calls Legislation Racist
Planned Parenthood complained that two new laws enacted in Tennessee to deny tax payer funding for abortions "hurt women of color." Sarah Wallet, the medical director for Planned Parenthood of Greater Memphis, asserted "this legislation is racist. Women of color are especially dependent on government funding for their abortions. To deny them access to public monies for this purpose does them irreparable harm."
Though the legislation does not block abortions financed by organizations or individuals using non-government sources of funding, Wallet was still adamant in her objections. "The original mission of Planned Parenthood as envisioned by founder Margaret Sanger was to provide an inexpensive means for reducing the population of eugenically inferior stock," Wallet pointed out. "Obviously, people of color are disproportionately represented in this undesirable contingent of humanity. Government funding is vital to ensuring the widest measure of success for her vision."
Critics of abortion have pointed out that the procedure has been responsible for more black deaths than any other human action since 1973. Wallet, however, rejected this line of argument, saying that "in our view, the termination of a pregnancy is not a death, but a mere extraction of unwanted fetal tissue. To deny black women the benefit of government aid in the procurement of an abortion clearly puts them at a disadvantage compared to white women. This violates the 'created equal' clause of the Constitution that we are confident the courts will reaffirm when we sue to block this new law."