SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: May 27, 2018 Edition
Media Labels Trump Complaint About FBI Spying "False"
NBC, a mainstream media ally of the government intelligence conspiracy to undermine the Trump campaign and administration, has labeled the President's characterization of this covert operation as "spying" as FALSE. In an interview on The View, former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper explained that "we weren't spying on Trump. We were spying on the Russians."
"Look it's not as if the Obama Administration's practice of using covert methods to gather useful intelligence from a political campaign was unprecedented," Clapper said. "LBJ used federal agents to secretly intercept communications inside the Goldwater campaign. And, of course, Nixon had his henchmen break into Democratic headquarters at the Watergate to access confidential files and tap the phones of the McGovern campaign. The important issue is the motivation for these extralegal actions. Remember, the sitting president has a responsibility to protect the nation from domestic, as well as foreign, enemies. Clearly, the threats posed by Goldwater and Trump necessitated this precaution."
CNN's Chris Cillizza called Trump's accusation of spying "the type of baldfaced lie we've grown to expect from Trump's 'bull-in-a-china shop' approach to discussing political issues. These undercover agents were inserted as 'informants' not 'spies.' Their role was to ensure that there was no collusion between Trump and the Russians. And as the Mueller investigation has thus far shown, they apparently were successful. There is no evidence of collusion. Rather than being thankful that the FBI went the extra mile to protect him, Trump now churlishly complains about it. In my mind, ingratitude like this ought to inspire Congress to move ahead with impeachment. It may not be a 'high crime,' per se, but it is outside the boundaries that have been respected by previous presidents."
Meanwhile, Obama's first Attorney General, Eric Holder, urged his former employees at the Justice Department to disregard Trump's instructions to disclose information related to the spy operation launched in 2016 to members of Congress. Holder admitted that "legally, Trump is your boss, but sometimes duty requires a higher loyalty. In this case, your loyalty belongs to the Department. Remember it is the Department of Justice, not the Department of Law Enforcement or the Department of Constitutionally Constrained Powers. The fate of government as we know it hangs in the balance. You must choose which side—good or evil—that you want to be on."
Dems Mull Election Message
Democrats have yet to reach a consensus on what message might resonate most favorably with voters this Fall. Citing a poll finding that 60% of voters don't believe the Mueller probe has uncovered any crimes, Democratic strategist Jesse Ferguson suggested that "we need to focus our message on the successes of the investigation. Granted, there hasn't yet been any evidence of Russian collusion, but several people have been indicted for other crimes." Almost all of these "other crimes" involve lying to federal agents. The one seemingly significant crime not in this category is the charge that Paul Manafort engaged in suspicious accounting that may have been deployed to "launder" money back in 2006.
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) says she is "blessed by the abundance of potential winning messages. Right now, I'm thinking that a campaign against the 'culture of corruption' in DC might be our strongest case for electing more Democrats. I know that Trump's 'drain the swamp' rhetoric has proven popular. What if we neutralize that by usurping his ownership of that message? With the aid of a media barrage from CNN, NBC, ABC, etc. maybe we can convince voters that Democrats are the party that stands for honesty and justice, especially when we draw a contrast to the scandal-free eight years when President Obama ruled."
"On the other hand, the disastrous economic policies of the Trump Administration strike me as presenting us with a lot of ammunition," Pelosi offered. "He foolishly scattered crumbs to taxpayers while starving vital government programs of resources that could have been put to better use. Now, millions of Americans who we used to take care of have been pushed into the labor force. A lot of the progress Obama made in freeing these people from the soul-killing drudgery of wage-slavery has been undone. Perhaps we can resurrect the historic 'peace and bread' message that transformed Russia a hundred years ago."
"Or maybe voters are tired of Trump's dehumanization of immigrants," Pelosi mused. "The Latino cohort of our Party's voting block cannot help but be energized if we come out strongly against his racist slander of MS-13 and his threat to withhold foreign aid to countries that don't do enough to keep members of this organization from coming here. After all, America is a nation of immigrants with a rich and varied mosaic of culturally diverse values and behaviors. Democrats embrace and nurture these differences. We want to give more of the world's people the same opportunities that Trump would selfishly hoard for natural born citizens. Maybe we should follow the lead of forward thinking states like California that are extending voting rights to non-citizens. There are tens of millions more votes to be had if we make this issue a key plank of our platform."
An opportunity thus far overlooked by most Democratic Party luminaries is Trump's recent executive order requiring federal employees to spend at least 75% of their time on the job actually working. Surely, this cruel and unusual punishment summarily curtailing employees on-the-job leisure activities is something that voters will turn out in droves to elect Democrats who pledge to reverse such an injustice, as has socialist stalwart Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt), who likened Trump's order to "a virtual reintroduction of slavery. His manifest intent is to decrease the size of government by dismissing redundant and non-performing employees. This is a step backward in our nation's evolution toward a more socially just society."
Meanwhile, single-issue voter and former Planned Parenthood CEO, Cecile Richards also used an anti-slavery meme to suggest that Democrats emphasize "that they are the Party of abortion rights. No woman is truly free if she is prevented from terminating an unwanted pregnancy. Trump is the most anti-abortion president we've ever had. Republicans who give lip-service to the pro-lifers are bad enough. If we allow Trump to get more of his kind into office the gains we've made since 1973 will be in grave danger. Getting this message across to every female voter is vital if we want to avert this fate."
Black Lives Matter Leader Rejects "Inadequate Reparations" Idea
New York gubernatorial candidate, actress Cynthia Nixon made a bid to win over minorities with a proposal to legalize marijuana and grant exclusive rights to sell the crop to African-Americans. "In New York we've reparated the Indians for past injustices by granting them exclusive rights to operate gambling casinos," she said. "Why can't we reparate Blacks for the injustices of slavery in a similar way that is compatible with their culture?"
Black Lives Matter of Greater New York president Hawk Newsome said "Nixon's notion that exclusive rights could suffice as 'reparations' is an insult. There are so many problems with her proposal that it is difficult to know where to begin. First of all, it is inconceivable that giving Blacks a monopoly on this product could even approach adequacy. Raising a marijuana crop requires hard work. How is that a fair compensation to me for the sufferings endured by my ancestors held in slavery? You know what would be fair—to make whites in America the slaves of Blacks for a few hundred years. Then after they're freed, subjugate them with discriminatory laws and rules for another hundred years."
"Second, who is she to say what is or isn't compatible with Black culture?" Newsome demanded to know. "Only Blacks are qualified to say what is appropriate for Blacks. White people venturing opinions amounts to cultural appropriation."
Trump Administration Secretary of Health and Human Services Eric Hargan challenged the contention that reparations are warranted. "Slavery was an evil institution," Hargan agreed. "But there are a number of facts we should keep in mind before jumping to the conclusion that reparations are an equitable response. First, the people who committed this crime are long dead. Second, blaming all white people is an unjust slander. Slaveholders—white and Black—were the guilty parties. Mostly white soldiers fought in the war that enabled President Lincoln to emancipate the slaves. It was the Republican Party that pushed for liberation. It was the Democratic Party that resisted. It was Southern Democrats that enacted Jim Crow laws and gave birth to the Klan that terrorized freed slaves."
"It was Democratic President Lyndon Johnson's Great Society that entrapped a growing portion of Black Americans into increased poverty by luring them onto welfare and diverting them from the prosperity that could have been theirs through work and effort," Hargan added. "Contemporary demands for reparations merely repeat and intensify this mistaken policy. You can't really be free if you're dependent on government handouts to survive. President Trump recognizes this and is doing more than any recent occupant of the White House to end this cycle of dependency. The growing ranks of employed workers are evidence of the success of his approach."
In related news, nanny-state advocate and left-wing billionaire, Michael Bloomberg vigorously defended regressive taxes on the poor, calling them "a vital tool for modifying bad habits. Let's face it, most people aren't smart enough to know what's good for them. It's up to those of us who do to help guide them toward the right choices. Regressive taxes on sugary drinks, for example, are like shock collars for dogs. The pain of having to spend more for something that is bad for them will deter their bad choices." Bloomberg touted his paternalistic approach as "a more benign form of tyranny than might otherwise be necessary if we can't achieve the desired goals via these relatively gentle prods toward the right behavior from the government."
DNC Vice-Chairman Says Prison Bible Studies "Poaching Our Voters"
Democratic National Committee Vice-Chairman Rep. Keith Ellison (D-Minn) called Republican efforts to encourage prison inmates to participate in Bible studies "an attempt to poach voters who rightly ought to be supporting Democrats."
"While the Bible studies message is not overtly political it conveys values that implicitly support the GOP agenda," Ellison contended. "Take the admonition 'thou shalt not steal.' This insinuates a personal right to property that runs counter to our Party's belief that property ought to redistributed more fairly. I mean, a lot of guys are in jail because they tried to implement a redistribution on their own initiative. We don't want them to be contrite for their unsanctioned redistribution efforts. We want them to know that with their votes we will legally effect the transfer of wealth to their benefit."
The Congressman suggested that "the problem is that the GOP's Christian message of 'loving thy neighbor' undermines the anger that is essential if we are to make real change happen in America. This was one of the main reasons I converted to Islam. Islam explicitly calls for dispossessing unbelievers and rewarding the faithful. It is a religion more in sync with the natural predatory instincts that got these inmates into jail in the first place. If we let this natural mutual affinity be dissipated by indifference to the inroads being made by the GOP among the prison population we will be losing votes that naturally should have been ours."