SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: July 8, 2018 Edition
Possible Troop Withdrawals Rattle Globalist Lobby
As of now, there are 60,000 US troops stationed in Europe. Pentagon evaluation of potentially withdrawing "some of them" has the globalist lobby on edge. An article published by McClatchy headlined "European Leaders Worry..." neglected to name a single European leader. Instead, numerous members of the globalist lobby ominously warned of the dire consequences if President Trump follows through with his campaign promise to reduce the US military contingent in Europe.
NATO was established in the midst of the Soviet Union's 1948-49 blockade of Western Berlin. It was meant to deter Soviet military aggression against Western Europe. The Trump Administration has cited decades of failure by other members of NATO to live up to their share of the cost of the defense of their own countries as grounds for reexamining the US commitment.
Obama Administration Defense Secretary Leon Panetta averred that "they are scared to death Trump will put America's interests ahead of Europe's collective security—undermining the 70 years of protection the United States has provided to the members of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization."
Magnus Nordenman, director of the Transatlantic Security Initiative at the Scowcroft Center for Strategy and Security at the Atlantic Council, lamented "the element of uncertainty that Trump has injected into the placid complacency that the continent has enjoyed since the end of World War II. Western Europeans aren't cut out for the harrowing responsibilities of self-defense. Trump's insistence that they must bear a significant share of such responsibilities is unrealistic."
Erik Brattberg, director of the Carnegie Endowment's Europe program, complained that "withdrawing troops would further weaken the alliance already buffeted by the US breaking ranks with its allies on the Paris Accords and Iranian agreement. Without the 'big brother' US standing behind us Russia will take our lunch money. What kind of a man would let his little brothers be bullied by Putin?"
Heather Conley, senior vice president at the Center for Strategic & International Studies, assailed "the apparent replacement of decades of unconditional love with a kind of quid pro quo attitude. I know Trump thinks he can use their fear of domination by Russia to pressure these countries into pulling their own weight, but those of us with expertise in international politics are skeptical. I think if it comes down to a choice between domination and fighting the eminently sensible Europeans will submit to domination."
In related news, Special Counsel Robert Mueller has added the Trump Administration's consideration of reducing troop levels in Europe to has investigation of collusion between Trump and Russia. "Who benefits from exposing Western Europe to possible Russian aggression?" Mueller asked. "Clearly, it is Putin. This is prima facie evidence of the collusion we have been trying for months to prove. I think it may be time for Congress to start drawing up articles of impeachment against the most anti-American president this country has ever had."
DNC Denounces Record Employment
The Bureau of Labor Statistics' June jobs report showed that the US economy added 213,000 jobs—bringing the number of employed Americans to 155,576,000—the tenth record high of the Trump presidency. Democratic National Chairman and former Secretary of Labor under Obama, Tom Perez warned voters "to not be taken in by this mirage of the so-called good life."
"Remember, each person pushed into a 40-hour-a-week job has lost at least 40 hours of leisure time," Perez pointed out. "Is this a trade-off that truly benefits everyone? Most jobs are boring. Many are dangerous. Shouldn't the goal be to work toward the elimination of the need for everyone to have to work for a living? This is the goal envisioned by the great Karl Marx who prescribed socialism as the best way to move society toward an ultimate communist utopia."
Perez argued that "lauding the fact that more Americans have jobs also ignores the promise of the Declaration of Independence pledge of equality for everyone. A system that discriminates by disbursing more to those who have jobs than to those who don't will never achieve equality. By accident of birth some are endowed with energy, initiative, and intelligence. If we allow those who inherit such gifts to keep what they earn we will never have equality. Yet, it is the policy of the Republicans to insidiously perpetuate inequality by not forcing the more well-endowed to share the returns they earn from their gifts with those less fortunate. The tax cuts passed earlier this year, for example, benefit only those who produce wealth. Democrats are the Party that will redistribute this wealth to those in need."
The DNC Chairman also reminded voters that "it will be visionaries like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez who lead the Democratic Party to the equality that can only be achieved through socialism. This young woman's June primary triumph over long-term incumbent Joseph Crowley in New York's 14th Congressional District showed that voters are ready for the next stage in this country's transformation."
In other Independence Day news, Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) took the occasion to reiterate his "opposition to any Supreme Court nominee who does not accept a woman's unfettered right to an abortion. Let's look at the Declaration's promise of life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness. It couldn't be clearer that an unwanted child ruins a woman life, circumscribes her liberty, and impedes her pursuit of happiness. It took our courts nearly 200 years to recognize that restrictions on abortion denied these essential constitutional rights to women in the Roe v. Wade case. We must not allow this long awaited recognition to be overturned by misguided sympathy for the uninvited entity that parasitically feeds off a woman's body."
Bill Clinton Laments Double Standards
In a commentary on what he alleged were the "appalling ethical standards infecting contemporary political discourse," former President Bill Clinton contrasted his own personal experience with that of Donald Trump, saying that "back then, you couldn't just tell an outright lie and get away with it. Look, I tried. I lied about my relationship with an intern. I tried to portray her as a nut-job stalker. I even lied under oath. But they still got me. I lost my law license and my good name."
"Compare that with Trump," Clinton suggested. "Everybody knows he's the type of person who must constantly lie. The only problem is that we haven't been able to prove it. So far, he's leading a charmed life. The FBI's been on his case for two years—tapping his phones, spying on him, cooking up dossiers—without proving anything. Sooner or later, though, by hook or by crook they'll get him too. He won't get off as easy as I did."
Albright Says "Plenty of Room" for Illegal Immigrants
Former secretary of state Madeline Albright castigated the Trump Administration's opposition to unconstrained illegal immigration, calling it "undemocratic and essentially similar to what a fascist would do. Treating people differently because of their race or ethnicity is something that Hitler did. If a German like Chancellor Merkel realizes it's wrong to exclude Africans and Asians, then why can't Trump realize it's wrong to exclude Mexicans?"
"It's not as if we don't have room for immigrants in America," Albright observed. "Homes in America are much bigger than they were a generation ago. Almost every family has underutilized space—a spare bedroom, a virtually unoccupied basement, or a corner of a living room that could make a comfortable abode for an immigrant family. We could use census data to determine where this underutilized space is and the President could issue an executive order mandating that qualifying homeowners take in one or more homeless immigrants."
"You know, the money the government will save by abolishing ICE could be redirected to provide an allowance for immigrants housed with qualifying homeowners so they wouldn't be totally dependent on the generosity of the homeowners for their shelter, clothing, food, and entertainment. They'd get some 'walking around money' they could use anyway they want. That way they could enjoy the life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness that America was established to provide for all people."
In related news, propaganda film maker Michael Moore called upon the US military to overthrow Trump. "The military is basically comprised of society's losers—the poor, the high-school dropouts, those without enough clout to get draft deferments," Moore contended. "Given a choice between siding with the billionaire former draft-dodger who is oppressing their kind via cruel immigration policies, I'm confident they'll make the right decision."
Israel Accused of Causing Iran's Drought
Brigadier General Gholam Reza Jalali, head of Iran's Civil Defense Organization, blamed Israel for his country's drought. "If you look at satellite photos you can see that all mountainous areas between Afghanistan and the Mediterranean are covered in snow, except for Iran," he said. "The only logical explanation for such an anomaly is a Zionist conspiracy to attack my country."
The General speculated that "it could be some sort of giant fan that is blowing precipitation-bearing clouds away from Iran or an infrared ray that evaporates the snow that should be there. Either way, it's an act of aggression that we can't ignore."
Jalali cited reports of Israel's water surplus as evidence for his claims. "Why is it that Jews are the only ones in the region with a surplus of water?" he wanted to know. "I mean, it's not as if Allah would mistakenly rain upon the country of the unbelievers and leave the faithful high and dry. That's totally nonsensical."
An alternate explanation for Israel's water surplus may be its investment in desalinization. The country has the world's largest desalinization plant and produces 3 million cubic meters of potable water per day. However, Jalali remained adamant, saying "these Jews are very clever, but I'd call desalting the rain from the evaporated snow clouds blown over the Mediterranean proof of their theft."
Trump's Merit-Based University Attendance Policy Assailed
The Association of American Medical Colleges (AAMC) issued a statement taking issue with a recent Trump Administration policy reversing an Obama policy pushing racial diversity guidelines. "The Administration's policy of encouraging universities receiving federal aid to focus solely on merit when deciding which students to admit leaves us deeply concerned," the statement reads. "The assumption that competence is more important than diversity when determining who will be allowed to practice medicine is a departure from the directive given by the immediately previous administration."
"We don't deny that that competence should play a role in the process, but it should not dominate other social objectives," the statement continued. "Allowing less competent minorities to get in on the action has value. It raises the esteem of the individual granted a medical license. It raises the esteem of all people of the same race when they observe that one of their kind is a doctor. The possibility that the percentages of persons harmed by less competent physicians may rise is a tolerable price to pay for the broader social benefits of racial diversity within the profession."
Attorney General Jeff Sessions called the AAMC reaction "overwrought. All we're doing is removing any excuse from universities for potential negative consequences for not selecting the best and brightest regardless of race. They can still admit less capable students if they want. What they won't be able to say is that the government told them to do that."