SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: October 14, 2018 Edition
Dems Vow Incivility Until They Are Returned to Power
This week twice-failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton urged the Democratic mob to continue their efforts to intimidate and harass the Party's opponents "until Democrats are restored to power." President Obama's former Attorney General Eric Folder seconded Clinton's remarks calling them "the kind of tough stance we need to ram our message into the skulls of the American voter."
Holder explicitly rejected former First Lady Michelle Obama's advice that Democrats "should take the high road," saying that "the time for polite debate has long since passed. We need more people like Jordan Hunt to take our fight for social justice into the streets."
Jordan Hunt is the Canadian who was videotaped kicking Marie-Claire Bissonnette, an antiabortion protester sitting on the pavement at a demonstration in Toronto on September 23. Hunt tried to justify his assault by alleging "I was trying to kick the phone she was using to videotape me when I tore up her posters. I was a bit off target and ended up kicking her shoulder. But it wasn't a total miss because her phone went flying and I did manage to tear her anti-abortion button off before I fled the scene. It's my bad luck that her video survived and led police to me."
Sen. Mazie Hirono (D-HI) disputed Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell's characterization of the insane ranting that has become the signature style of the Democratic Party as "mob tactics." "You are underestimating us," she warned. "We are no mere mob. We are the vanguard of the progressive revolution that will smash the reactionary elements who oppose our struggle to transform this country into a people's republic. History has shown that the righteous wrath of the oppressed to be an irresistible force. In the end, the Grand Old Party will be as unable to stop us as the grand old tsar was unable to stop Lenin."
Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) blamed the Republicans for the rise of Democrat mobs. "They're the ones who refuse to give us what we want," Waters pointed out. "We wouldn't have to be getting in their faces, hounding them, scaring them, and driving them from public places if they weren't successfully resisting our demands. We didn't used to have to take things so far. It used to be that Republicans would grumble a little bit and then give in. But with Trump egging them on they've morphed into a different animal that now requires more extreme methods if we want the revolution to succeed."
"We've seen how the Republicans have abused their power since they stole the 2016 election from me," Clinton asserted. "They rammed through a tax cut that has deprived the government of sorely needed resources and left that money in the hands of ignorant and selfish anti-government corporations and individuals. And Trump is nominating exclusively conservative judges and the GOP-controlled Senate is confirming them despite the serious allegations our Party has made against them. These are blows aimed at thwarting the changes President Obama promised voters. Democrats can't be expected to accept these abuses without fighting back by whatever means are necessary."
Meanwhile, some insight into the type of "civility" we might expect from an ascendant Democratic Party was provided by a Google briefing book titled The Good Censor. The book admits that Google has taken upon itself the responsibility of policing civility by censoring non-conforming views. Pichai Sundararajan, chief executive officer of Google, explained "when people share a common belief system there are fewer grounds for disagreement and fewer opportunities for uncivil interactions. By filtering out and suppressing the viewpoint outliers we are promoting the kind of unanimity that is conducive to a more civil society."
In related news, a coven of witches has announced plans to cast a hex on newly appointed Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh during an occult ritual to be held on October 20 in New York City. The event is being sponsored by Catland Books—"Brooklyn's premiere occult bookshop." Fifty percent of the funds raised by the event will go charity—25% to a homeless shelter and help center for LGBTQ youth and 25% to Planned Parenthood "in honor of the heroic actions of Jordan Hunt on behalf of our cause."
Fusion GPS Founder to Take 5th
Amid a rising tide of evidence implicating his firm in a conspiracy to rig the 2016 presidential election and the subsequent post-election attempted deep-state coup, Fusion GPS founder Glenn Simpson says he will invoke his Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination if Congress insists that he testify before the House Judiciary Committee.
Working at the behest of the Hillary Clinton presidential campaign, Fusion GPS paid former British spy Christopher Steele to compile a dossier of unverified salacious allegations that was meant to torpedo Trump's chances of winning the 2016 election. When the dossier failed to produce the desired election outcome it was then used by corrupt elements in the Department of Justice and FBI to bamboozle the FISA Court to approve covert surveillance of the new president. The dossier also served as the source of "news" stories planted with co-conspiring media in the hope that it would produce public outrage against President Trump.
For his part, Simpson maintains that "I was responding to a higher loyalty than mere observance of obscure statutory law. I see no reason to stick my neck into the noose being prepared by Republicans who are now trying to use those laws against me. If they want to prosecute me they'll have to do it without my help."
Lawyers for Simpson complain that "it is clear that the goal of the House Committee is to discredit the painstakingly constructed story of Trump-Russia collusion that our client and his associates compiled in their patriotic effort to spare the country from the nightmarish Trump Administration. That story is Glenn Simpson's truth. He has a right to be believed until the Committee or some other party can conclusively prove it to be untrue."
Media Disses Kanye West for Meeting with Trump
Stumped by what they regard as "an inexplicable deviation from everything we've come to believe about race in America," talking heads at MSNBC and CNN were at a loss for how to explain the friendly relationship between rapper musician Kanye West and President Donald Trump during their meeting to discuss prison reform.
CNN's Don Lemon said "West's notion that he could persuade Trump to take him seriously is a betrayal of his race. Every sane black person knows that hatred is the only acceptable attitude to have when it comes to Trump. Even if West does get Trump to adopt some of his ideas that would only strengthen this arch enemy of America's minorities. The best I think West can hope for is to become the token negro of the Trump Administration."
CNN political commentator Bakari Sellers augmented Lemon's take, saying "Kanye West is what happens when Negros don't read. All the authentic black intellectuals have written reams of material explaining why blacks need to stay with the Party that has enabled generations of our people to receive trillions of dollars in welfare benefits. West's idea that his path of success through hard work can be replicated is unrealistic."
Over at MSNBC, Stephanie Ruhle called President Trump's meeting with West an "assault on our White House. This is the house where President Obama struggled for eight years to tear down the capitalist system that West now wants to save for his own selfish satisfaction. He is thinking for himself rather than standing with his brothers and sisters in solidarity with the progressive cause."
Dem Bill to Limit Health Options Fails
A bill aimed at preventing consumers from choosing health insurance plans that better fit their needs was introduced in the Senate by Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY). If passed, the bill would overrule President Trump's executive order expanding options beyond the limited list of expensive choices mandated under Obamacare.
Schumer complained that "the freedom President Trump injected into federal health care policy allows healthy individuals to choose insurance that is suited to their own needs, regardless of the needs of other, less healthy individuals. As Trump would have it, people who don't want to pay for coverage they don't need can do so. This violates the essential premise of President Obama's health care vision, namely, that everyone should pay for everyone else's health insurance. He was wise enough to realize that only by compelling the majority to pay for what they don't want can the government guarantee that everyone gets the health care that experts agree they ought to have."
The Senator also argued that "Trump's approach poses a significant threat to the health care industry. Expensive Obamacare plans cover expensive treatments that hospitals and pharmaceutical companies depend upon for their income. These companies are virtually unanimous in their support for Obamacare. Are we going to listen to the best and brightest when it comes to crafting policy? Or are we going to let Trump's misguided reverence for individualistic ideals destroy President Obama's socially responsible conception of how we ought to do things?"
Even moderate Republicans rejected Schumer's arguments. Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-Tenn) pointed out that "the plans authorized by President Trump allow those not enamored of nanny-state compulsion to make their own choices." Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) said "our constituents deserve more options, not fewer." Schumer's bill narrowly failed on a 50-50 tie vote. That's how thin a margin there is for freedom in the upper house of Congress.
Hillary Says Allegations Against Bill Were Different
In an interview with CNN's Christiane Amanpour former First Lady Hillary Clinton explained the difference between the sexual allegations made against her husband and those made against Donald Trump.
"First of all, Bill was thoroughly investigated," she reminded. "There was forensic evidence of his semen on Monica's dress. So it wasn't just a 'he said, she said' type of case. Second, at the time many women publicly stated that they would gladly service Bill out of gratitude for his support of abortion. Third, the media didn't make a big deal out of it. They realized he was doing a bang-up job as president and were willing to grant forgiveness for his peccadilloes."
"Contrast that with Trump's situation," she went on. "There is no forensic evidence, but there are plenty of clues that have yet to be investigated. On the Access Hollywood tape we have Trump bragging about grabbing women's private parts. In the Steele dossier there is a report of Trump paying prostitutes to urinate on a hotel bed. And Stormy Daniels says the two of them had consensual sex while Trump was married to Melania."
"When you get right down to it, Trump looks pretty wimpy compared to Bill," Hillary maintained. "Bill was daring. Bill wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. I think voters respected him for that and reelected him many times as governor of Arkansas and again as president. To me, that is as clear an exoneration as a person could expect in this country. I would've gotten a similar exoneration if voters hadn't been duped by Trump. Fortunately, I did get a consolation exoneration from the FBI."
UK Government Eyeing Pizza Regulations
In a move to combat what it calls an "obesity epidemic," Public Health England (PHE) is crafting rules to limit the size and number of toppings on pizzas. Dr Alison Tedstone, PHE chief nutritionist, promised that "our efforts will go beyond merely requiring restaurants to add healthier options to their menus. The real problem in our view is that customers could still choose unwisely. If we strictly control what can be offered we can eliminate unhealthy choices so that the consumer cannot make an unwise choice."
Public Health Minister Steve Brine said the Government was "willing to do whatever it takes to keep children healthy and well in this country. If that means dictating what they can and cannot eat, then so be it. Ideally, this should be their parents' job, but too many of them are themselves obese and blind to the risks of overeating."
"Hopefully, we can get the number of calories per individual pizza down to no more than 695," Brine said. "That's about 70% pf the amount in a typical unregulated pie." Asked what would prevent customers from simply buying an additional pizza, the Minister replied that "we are relying on the inconvenience factor combined with the general lethargy of our youth to minimize this risk. If that proves insufficient we are prepared to back it up by surveillance and surprise raids to deter attempts to evade the intent of the rules."