SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: October 28, 2018 Edition
A Few "Not Crazy Democrats" Appeal to Voters
With polls showing a close race with her Republican challenger Josh Hawley, Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-Mo) launched a campaign ad aimed at persuading voters that she is "not one of those crazy Democrats. If you look carefully at my record you'll see that I am a sane Democrat. I haven't claimed I'm an Indian. I haven't urged mobs to harass Republicans in public places. And I definitely am not Spartacus."
"Sure, there's been a little bit of self-dealing on behalf of my husband, some tax evasion and eviction of a few disabled vets from one of our properties," the Senator admitted. "But these are the normal, time-tested abuses of office that any long-sitting officeholder might engage in. Most voters have overlooked these peccadilloes as an insufficient reason to oust senators and lose the advantage of the seniority that can help bring more federal aid back to the state."
A similar pitch was made by Sen. Robert Menendez (D-NJ) in his efforts to fend off a surprisingly competitive Republican adversary Bob Hugin in the deep blue state. New Jersey hasn't elected a Republican senator since 1972. Nevertheless, the contest between Menendez and Hugin is now rated a tossup.
"I'm a normal Democrat in a long line of Democrats that have represented the state in the US Senate," Menendez asserts. "First, I have never been convicted of bribery or improper influence peddling. Second, prostitution is legal in the Dominican Republic. Many others, including a former president did the same things my opponent is now trying to single me out for doing. Nothing I did there can fairly be held against me. This is what I want voters to know before they rashly gamble on the inexperienced novice running against me."
Meanwhile, in the Florida gubernatorial contest, the Democratic candidate, Tallahassee Mayor Andrew Gillum characterized questions about some of the illicit perks he enjoyed as mayor as "racist. They wouldn't be asking me these questions if I were white. I'm sure that my white predecessors got as much or more than I did, lied about it, and got away with it. The implication that I am somehow uniquely culpable when they were not is a rebirth of the slavery the white man has imposed on black folks for centuries."
Waters Says Trump Responsible for Political Violence
Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) demanded that President Trump admit responsibility for the political violence and incivility that has plagued the country since his election.
"We didn't see people rioting in the streets when Obama was president," Waters recalled. "And we wouldn't be seeing it now if Hillary Clinton had been elected as she should've been. With Republicans in charge at the White House, the Senate and the House, Democrats were pushed into violence as a last resort."
The Congresswoman insisted that "this is not aimless violence just for violence's sake. Our targets aren't random. We are going after Republicans wherever they may appear in public to let them know that we do not accept them as our governors. We are going after the deplorables who support Trump. We are going after white people who have enslaved and abused minorities since the founding of this country."
"Trump could put an end to the violence if he would take responsibility, resign, and hand the office over to Sec. Clinton," Waters suggested. "Given the choice of continued violent opposition vs. the return to civility that she has promised once Democrats are back in charge, that is the only right thing for Trump to do. Every day he insists on staying in office endangers more lives and puts America under more stress. His refusal to do what the resistance demands is unpatriotic."
A contrary perspective was offered by President Trump who contends that "a big part of what is driving the anger that is degrading civility and provoking violence stems from purposely false and misleading so-called news put out by the mainstream media."
In related news, the New York Times published a fictional story in which a Secret Service agent assigned to protect President Trump assists a Russian spy to assassinate him. The story was one of a batch of entries the paper solicited from "today's most talented spy and crime novelists" who were asked to speculate on how Trump's presidency might end. Times Book Review editor Pamela Paul called the story "the kind of ending most of our readers have been fantasizing about since the night Trump was declared the winner of the 2016 election. We just had to publish it as a reward for our loyal subscribers."
Bipartisan Support for Open Borders
Two potential 2020 presidential contenders placed their bets on open borders as a winning issue in their expected bids for the office. California Sen. Kamala Harris (D) and Ohio Governor John Kasich (R) both made strong statements in support of the caravan from Guatemala that aims to crash its way into the US by election day 2018.
"America is a welcoming place," Harris said. "We are, after all, a nation built on immigration. The people in this caravan are just like the people in America. We all want a government that puts food on the table and pays our bills. This is the immigrants' right as human beings. We have no legitimate or moral authority to exclude them from the bounty the Earth has bestowed on the land we live in. We need to let them in and get them registered to vote so they can democratically protect their human rights."
Kasich alleges that "God wants us to welcome the caravan. Many of these people have been coerced by criminals to come to America. Thugs threaten them saying 'if you don't do what we want, we will rape your daughter or kill your son if he's not a drug mule.' Now, they're all marching north—victims and criminals alike—and it could easily have been all of us. That's why we have to let them all in."
Of course, President Trump has been repeatedly excoriated by Democrats and the media for complaining that our open borders allow criminals into the country. While most of the immigrants in the caravan are not criminals, criminals are among them. One migrant in the caravan told Fox News that "criminals are everywhere." Guatemalan police have rescued some children from human traffickers traveling with the caravan. And some of the migrants stormed in and looted a public market in Chiapas, Mexico.
CNN Says Trump a "White Nationalist"
President Trump's assertion that he is a "nationalist" inspired CNN reporter Jim Acosta to characterize him as a "white nationalist." Trump's remarks were in the context of trying to differentiate his views from those of a globalist, who he argued "is a person that wants the globe to do well, frankly, not caring about our country so much. I'm a nationalist. I want what's good for America."
In what Acosta hoped would be a "gotcha moment" at a White House meeting for the press, he pointed out to the President that "saying you're a nationalist combined with the fact that you're white makes you a 'white nationalist.' Isn't publicly saying you're a nationalist another one of your 'dog whistle' coded messages to your fascist supporters?"
"You guys at CNN can't even make up your minds about me," Trump replied. "Considering all your complaints about me being too blunt and outspoken. Look, I don't do coded messages. If I want to say something I say it. If I don't say something it doesn't mean I secretly said it in code. Why can't you just report the news without making up all the fake stuff? Jim, just because you have an idea doesn't mean it's a good idea. The fact that CNN's ratings have gone down the drain ought to have clued you in that the bogus crap you are pushing isn't being swallowed."
Cash Giveaways to Fight Poverty
Declaring that "it is unfair that whites have more money than minorities," Sen. Cory (Spartacus) Booker (D-NJ) has concocted a plan to hand wads of cash to "deserving black kids." Dubbing these giveaways "opportunity accounts," Booker boasted that "there's no telling what these young people are capable of doing if only they had the money to do it."
Under Booker's scheme minority youths would be eligible for "no strings grants of up to $50,000 they could use for wealth-building purposes. Most of the investment opportunities in the ghetto require cash. We'll be giving these youngsters cash they could use to buy valuable merchandise for resale in smaller lots, or tools to obtain money from strangers, or to go to college to major in black or LGBTQ studies. The possibilities are virtually limitless."
The Senator contrasted his plan with "the sterile programs of yesteryear. Unlike the burdensome obligation to pay back money from student or small business loans, these grants are theirs to keep and use as they please. And since many of the business options available will operate in the informal economy where there are no taxes or legal impediments every dollar can be reinvested in their businesses."
Leftists Express their Ideas on Religious Tolerance
In a speech at a Democratic National Convention event in Philadelphia sponsored by the Boycott, Divest and Sanctions (BDS) movement, the House Armed Services Committee member Rep. Hank Johnson (D-Ga) compared Jewish residents of Judea and Samaria to "termites."
In New York City, posters calling Christian supporters of President Trump "trash" began appearing attached to city litter baskets. Vito Turo, a spokesman for the city's Department of Sanitation, hastened to reassure city residents that "we do not condone the unlawful defacement of City litter baskets and have asked the artist who designed these posters to submit them for review and approval before posting any more of them. It is the City's prerogative to judge the aesthetic merits of any artistic creation that appears in any public place."
The European Court of Human Rights has ruled that characterizing the Muslim Prophet Muhammed's marriage to a six-year-old as pedophilia is not protected freedom of speech "because it conflicts with the right of others to have their religious feelings protected. Seeing how passionate Muslims can be when their beliefs are rejected by others, pubic safety requires us to suppress these inflammatory words."
In Michigan, former Planned Parenthood CEO Cecile Richards told the National Council of Jewish Women's annual Women of Vision conference that "one of the sweetest moments of my life was working with President Obama to force Christians to fund abortions under the Affordable Care Act. Sticking it to those insufferable Little Sisters of the Poor nuns who wanted to evade their obligation to the state by claiming a phony religious prohibition against taking an innocent life was the high point of my career. Sadly, the Supreme Court undid the progress we'd made by siding with these fanatics. But I have confidence that the next time Democrats control the White House and Congress we will pack the Court with enough correct thinking justices to reverse the recent Court's error."