SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: November 11, 2018 Edition
Broward County Official Defends Violating Law
In the wake of closely contested races for Senator and Governor, Broward County Elections Supervisor Brenda Snipes sought to defend violating state election laws. Under state law each county is required to report the number of ballots to be counted in a timely fashion. Broward was one of the two out of 67 counties not to do so.
Snipes contended that her lack of compliance with the law "was guided by a higher loyalty. It seems like every election new boxes of ballots keep being found in the darndest places. In order to ensure that these voters are not disenfranchised it's necessary to keep the process open."
The whole notion of boxes of ballots going unaccounted for days after the polls close reeks of incredible incompetence or convenient corruption. Snipes brushed aside concerns that these "found" boxes might not contain valid votes, saying that "while we cannot say for sure how the boxes were misplaced, once we have looked inside it is clear that the ballots have in fact been filled out by someone. I suppose there is a possibility the votes could've been fraudulently prepared, but there is also the possibility they were not. Given these 50/50 odds, I prefer to include them in the total count."
Gov. Rick Scott blasted Snipes' attitude, declaring that "the whole point of the state election laws requirement of a timely reporting of results is precisely to prevent the 'finding of boxes of ballots of unknown origin' from being injected into the stream of ballots that have gone through the legal verification process. Snipes is trying justify what amounts to stealing the election."
Florida Judge Carol-Lisa Phillips has ruled that Broward County's Supervisor of Elections Brenda Snipes violated the state constitution by not following the open records laws and ordered her to comply by revealing how many electors voted, how many ballots have been canvassed, and how many ballots remain to be canvassed by 7 p.m. Friday, Nov 9th. It wasn't clear that Snipes would obey this court order when she said "even if we did reveal some of this information it doesn't mean that our search for other wayward boxes of ballots won't go on."
The arrogance of Snipes may stem, in part, from a 1982 agreement by the Republican National Committee to not raise the issue of fraud in any election where minorities represent a substantial portion of the electorate. While this agreement is little known outside the inner circles of the two major Parties it has probably given rise to brazen behavior by Democrat Party officials since then. However, the agreement expired in December of 2017 and may lead to a more aggressive effort combat fraud of the type Snipes has become accustomed to perpetrating.
In L.A. Vet Blocked from Voting
On election day a poll monitor in a Los Angeles precinct blocked army veteran John Reader from voting because of "the symbol of hatred" on his shirt. The symbol: a US flag.
"I thought displaying the flag was a general expression of patriotism, you know for our country," Reader said. "How's that a hate symbol?"
The poll monitor who would only give his first name (Bill) asserted that "someone so ignorant as to not know that the American flag is a symbol imperialism, oppression, and hatred shouldn't be voting in our elections. Generous person that I am, though, I offered to let him vote if he turned his shirt inside out, but he refused."
Reader was eventually allowed to vote after a 90 minute delay when the county registrar intervened. Bill will be required to undergo retraining before he is allowed to work in future elections.
Vox Justifies Leftists Terrorizing Opponents
This week a loud and angry mob of Antifa activists surrounded the home of Fox News personality Tucker Carlson engaged in lengthy chanting of leftist slogans and ended up breaking the home's front door. Tucker's terrified wife barricaded herself inside and called the police.
While most media commentators on both sides of the left-right spectrum denounced this tactic, Vox Senior Correspondent and co-founder Matthew Yglesias hailed it, saying "I think the idea behind terrorizing his family is to make them feel some of the fear that the victims of MAGA-inspired violence feel thanks to the non-stop racial incitement coming from Tucker, Trump, etc."
The fact that MAGA-inspired violence seems basically nonexistent and the total lack of any evidence that Tucker, Trump, or any major right-wing spokesperson has ever sicced a mob on anyone didn't faze Yglesias. "Sure they may not have consciously spewed racism, but those of us who know how to read between the lines can see it," he insisted. "The fact that Carlson disagrees with a minority guest on his show is enough proof for me that he is a racist and liable for whatever form of revenge selected by those he has offended. You know terror is an important political weapon as was shown to the world by Lenin when he used it to enable a tiny cadre of Bolsheviks to take over a whole nation."
Contrasting Abortion Decisions in Two States
In this election abortion ballot measures appeared in two states. In West Virginia, voters approved a constitutional amendment with the following wording: "Nothing in this Constitution secures or protects a right to abortion or requires the funding of abortion."
In Oregon, voters defeated a measure that banned taxpayers funding of elective abortions. Oregon is one of 17 states that forces taxpayers to fund elective abortions. Because the state has no abortion restrictions, tax dollars pay for unborn babies to be aborted for any reason up to the moment before birth. In 2017, Gov. Kate Brown (D) signed a bill expanding taxpayer-funded abortions to illegal immigrants and government employees.
Meanwhile, Women's March denounced white women for failure to deliver the blue wave that would have allowed Democrats to take both Houses of Congress. "Their aversion to supporting abortion rights is shameful," declared pro-abortion feminist writer Jill Filipovic. "The termination ratios for minority women dwarf those of white women. It is racist and unfair for them to have to bear such a disproportionate share of the task of culling the human herd."
However, African pro-life leader Obianuju Ekeocha rebuked the Woman's March: "They shame white women for their politics and dare to tell them how to vote. Women's March is a rabidly racist and oppressive organization. I thought those were abolished by the end of segregation. I guess I was wrong."
DC to Crack Down on "Play Dates"
The practice of parents with similarly aged children meeting up for play dates is in the cross hairs of the DC bureaucracy. State Superintendent of Education Hanseul Kang has charged that these informal arrangements "are an illegal intrusion on turf reserved for my department. There are public institutions targeting young children and their development. Every hour wasted at some play group run by unqualified parents is an hour that could have been spent in a program run by professionals. It doesn't matter that the play dates are voluntary or that participation seemingly hurts no one. We will levy fines or whatever other deterrents are necessary to exterminate this deviationist approach to child development."
New Congresswoman Can't Afford Apartment
Newly elected Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) faulted the US electoral system for her inability to afford an apartment in Washington, DC. "I'm elected today, but now I'm told my salary doesn't start until January 3," she lamented. "What kind of twisted system doesn't ensure its rulers have the accommodations to which their rank should entitle them? The government can print as much money as it wants, so just pay for it."
The sheer lack of resourcefulness of this woman ought to be giving those who voted for her some second thoughts. Her salary of over $170,000 per year starting in January of 2019 gives her the ability to acquire a loan. Most self-supporting adults would be familiar with how to obtain such a loan or at least have the sense to walk into a bank, explain their need and show proof of an income adequate to repay the loan.
Video Proves Acosta Lied
This week, CNN's Jim Acosta lost his White House press pass. The events leading up to this began with his abuse of the press conference's opportunity to question President Trump live in front of multimedia. Given an opportunity to ask a question Acosta launched into a lecture about how the caravan from Guatemala was not an invasion. Trump attempted to agree to disagree, but Acosta persisted in berating him. Having gone way past a reasonable time with the microphone, Trump asked Acosta to let another member of the media have a turn. Acosta continued to rant and an intern attempted to pass the microphone to someone else.
Afterwards, Acosta maintained that he never touched the young woman. However, a video of the event clearly shows Acosta pushing the intern away. CNN then claimed that "the video must have been doctored because Jim doesn't lie."
An incredulous Trump exclaimed "give me a break. CNN is a perpetual fountain of lies when it comes to the news. The demand that their articulated lies ought to refute video evidence to the contrary is absurd." Technical experts who examined the video concluded that the video didn't appear to have been altered: "Slowing down the action and zooming in for a close-up is not an alteration. This video technique is often done by CNN itself. To claim in this case that is is an alteration is profoundly dishonest."