SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: December 2, 2018 Edition
CNN Cites "Oppression" of Caravan as "Impeachable Offense"
According to CNN's Jim Acosta, the revelation that persons in the United States illegally are entitled to more than $40,000 a year in federal benefits "casts a sinister light on the Trump Administration's extraordinary efforts to block the Central American caravan's efforts to claim these benefits for its members."
"Why would there be such a program if these immigrants weren't entitled to this compensation?" Acosta asked. "Trump's attempt to characterize those who are merely asserting their legal rights as an 'invasion' is a slander designed to conceal his government's refusal to recognize and enforce these immigrants' rights to this money."
"The caravan's members assault on the ICE personnel at the border needs to be reassessed given these new facts," Acosta demanded. "Wouldn't you be angry if you knew that Trump was trying to prevent you from obtaining money that was owed you? Might you not grab a rock to throw? Might you not try to tear down the barrier that blocked your path to cashing in on this benefit? I mean, who is really at fault for the violence that has ensued—the individuals trying to collect what they're owed or the deadbeat trying to welsh on the debt owed? I think that even if the Mueller investigation clears Trump, his violent response to try to avoid paying this debt to immigrants is grounds for impeachment."
California Attorney General Xavier Becerra was even harsher in his criticism of the President's opposition to admitting the caravan. "California is part of the land the United States stole from Mexico in the nineteenth century," Becerra argued. "All efforts to prevent the restoration of this land to Mexico perpetuates the aggression initiated in the 1800s. The only honorable solution is to work out the terms for undoing that original wrong. Not only should the land be returned, but all of the profits extracted during the 170 years of unjustified occupation need to be paid out to Mexico as reparations."
Meanwhile, the United Nations has affirmed the right of immigrants to go wherever they want in the world and has ordered the Trump Administration to "cease and desist from any and all actions aimed at impeding, obstructing, or interfering with this basic human right." UN spokesman Babar Baloch warned that "the full might of all the member nations will be brought to bear on the United States if the Trump Administration fails to comply with our directive."
In related news, the hysteria exhibited by the media over the use of tear gas to repel the caravan mob that attempted to crash through the border near Tijuana stands in stark contrast to the media's silence while the Obama Administration used tear gas dozens of times between 2012 and 2016. Acosta explained that "we had complete faith in President Obama. We knew that his motives were pure and he must have had a good reason for whatever he did whenever he did it. We have no such faith in Trump. We know his intent is evil and that whatever he does is wrong whenever he does it."
Democratic Socialism Makes Europeans Poorer
A study by Mark Perry, a scholar at the American Enterprise Institute and professor of economics and finance at the University of Michigan, should give pause to advocates of democratic socialism in the United States. According to the study, the more socialistic economic policies of western European countries has both retarded output and boosted the cost of living.
The index of average individual consumption for the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development is set at 100. Inhabitants in nations falling below this mark can afford less than the average European. Inhabitants in nations exceeding this mark can afford more. The United States scores 147 on this index. This means that on average, Americans can buy 47% more than the average European.
Newly elected US Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) was undaunted by these data and asserted "it is way past time that Americans learn to live more economically. My 'green new deal' will put us on a path toward achieving this goal. By explicitly forcing everyone to pay more for everything they buy, my legislation will put us on this right path."
"When cars become too expensive for most people to own and operate, they will ride public transit, like most people do in Europe," the congresswoman said. "When individual homes become too expensive, more will be compelled to live in smaller apartments and maybe have roommates. Instead of buying lots of unnecessary junk, an expanded government sector will provide a more appropriate array of goods and services for everyone. The atomized individualism that has separated Americans from the collectivized solidarity that has prevailed in Europe and elsewhere around the world will be on the road to extinction."
Sen. Bernie Sanders (DS-Vermont) concurred with his democratic socialist congressional colleague. "When I spent my honeymoon in the Soviet Union, I had a chance to observe how socialism made people happier," he said. "Their living space was cramped. Very few owned private cars. Consumer goods were scarce and often required waiting hours in lines to obtain. Many Americans would likely see these conditions as difficult. But I never heard anyone complain like they do in America. I think we need to rethink whether an abundance of material goods really makes us better off. Maybe having a government making the key decisions about who should have what is a formula for gtreater happiness than the so-called rugged individualism that has tainted American thinking since the country's founding."
In related news, Ocasio-Cortez hailed her election as "a more significant development in American history than the moon landing. That was an interesting demonstration of technology. But my election augers in a new revolutionary movement that will sweep aside the capitalistic foundations of this country and allow us to join the social movement envisioned by Karl Marx. The petty selfishness that Americans have been permitted to indulge in will be replaced by collective solidarity, as all will be required to yield to government guidance on how to live their lives in ways that promote the socialist dream. There may or may not be future space missions, the decision on whether that will happen will be a collective one. But socialism is here to stay. It is the end point of human history."
Obama Claims Credit for US Energy Boom Since He Left Office
Concerned that President Trump "might unjustly be credited with the country's current energy boom" former President Obama hastened to point out to voters that "none of what we are seeing today would've been possible if not for the actions taken during my administration."
"For eight years my administration did everything it could to suppress energy production in the United States," Obama pointed out. "We blocked coal production. We discouraged fracking. We denied drilling permits wherever we could. We prevented pipeline and refinery construction. When I left office, gasoline was nearly $4 per gallon. The energy sector was languishing under our smothering regulations. Without this low point, the upside potential for the Trump Administration's stimulative initiatives would have been negligible. I don't want people to forget that if it weren't for the 'bust' that my policies engineered there never could've been a Trump 'boom.'"
Obama's claim earned him a Trump tweet thanking him for clarifying the record. "You heard it from the horse's mouth, if Obama hadn't tied the energy industry's hands for eight years there wouldn't have been anything for me to deregulate. He is like a kidnapper taking credit when police finally locate and release the victim whose regained freedom wouldn't have been possible if not for being held captive. Now, why is this admitted malefactor a Nobel Prize winner?"
Liberals Talk Down to Blacks, Conservatives Don't
A study by Cydney Dupree, assistant professor of organizational behavior at the Yale School of Management, found that liberals talk down to blacks. The research found that Democratic candidates used fewer competence-related words in speeches to audiences consisting mostly of minorities than they did in speeches to mostly white audiences. "It was kind of an unpleasant surprise to see this subtle, but persistent effect," Dupree lamented. "Even if it's ultimately well-intentioned, it could be seen as patronizing."
Democratic National Committee Chairman Tom Perez defended the practice of talking down to minorities and cited his Party's recent success in taking back the majority in the House of Representatives as "proof that this strategy works."
"Since we can't compete on the basis of policies that will truly benefit minorities we have to have a strategy that compensates for this deficiency," Perez explained. "By dumbing down our language so we sound more like the ignorant and uneducated voters who form our core constituency we feel we can win their trust. Our candidates may be millionaires, but if they don't sound educated that will be overlooked."
Perez also expressed gratitude "for our friends in the media for not calling us out on this condescending practice. The slightest hint of condescension by a Republican will bring a firestorm of criticism from the folks at CNN, MSNBC, and others. This allows us to paint them as racist or worse. Is it a double standard? Yes, but since the end result is desirable our use of this strategy is, in my mind, vindicated."
School Bans Christmas Carols that Mention Jesus
The Robious Middle School in Midlothian, Virginia announced that any Christmas song that mentions Jesus will be prohibited from being sung or played during the holiday season. Principal Dr. Derek Wasnock explained that "since non-Christians might be offended by hearing Jesus' name, the only way for us to be inclusive of all religions during the holiday season is to exclude any music that includes Jesus' name."
The move was applauded by the school's nine-member Students for a Muslim America Association. The school's much larger contingent of Catholic and protestant students were puzzled and disappointed. One of them speaking "off-the-record," lest he be sanctioned by school authorities, observed that "I suppose it isn't enough that everyone has to endure Muslim sensitivity training, but it seems absurd that a holiday celebrating Jesus' birth has to censor any mention of His name."
Wasnock vowed "we will find out who criticized our inclusive exclusion and suspend or expel him or her—whichever seems most appropriate given his or her previous violations of school policies."