OPINION

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
12-14-2018 

John Semmens
SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: December 16, 2018 Edition  
 

Comey Defends Actions Against Trump

Fired FBI Director James Comey followed up his amnesiac performance in his testimony before House Judiciary and Oversight committees with a bit of self-congratulatory boasting about his cleverness.

"While I couldn't remember the answers to most of the questions the dim-witted Republicans were asking me, I do recall some of the high points of my covert efforts to save the nation from the misrule of Donald Trump," Comey said. "Publicly exonerating Secretary Clinton in July 2016 was probably the hardest punch I threw. By clearing her of all charges I neutralized a lot of the criticisms Trump and the Republicans tried to make against her. In a sane world that should have been enough to elect her, but as we saw, somehow the most unqualified person to ever seek the presidency defeated the most qualified."

"However, patriot that I am, I didn't let the unfortunate election outcome thwart my campaign to save the country," Comey continued. "I saw a way to undermine a Trump Administration by embroiling it in concocted scandals. We used the FISA process to get court permission to spy on the Trump campaign. Republicans are now complaining that this was an inappropriate use of a law intended to protect America from hostile foreign powers. What they neglect to tell everyone is that 85% of the FISA cases are unwarranted and abusive. Since we were basically following standard procedure I don't think the GOP will get anywhere with their complaints."

"Then, starting with Gen. Flynn we set up a series of Trump associates for charges of obstruction," Comey bragged. "A long time ago the Courts decided it was legal for law-enforcement personnel to lie to persons they are trying to nail for some sort of criminal offense. We told Flynn that a couple of FBI agents were going to chat with him and that he didn't need a lawyer. He fell for it and opened himself up to a charge of lying to investigators when his remarks didn't exactly match those we overheard using the FISA-approved phone intercepts."

Comey concluded his remarks with a plea for voters to oust Trump in the 2020 election. "If we don't get rid of him all the work I and others like Peter Strzok, Lisa Page, Andrew McCabe, Rod Rosenstein, Robert Mueller, and others could be undone. The ability of the FBI and its sister agencies to protect the country from intruders like Trump could be seriously damaged and the country left in the unsteady hands of a poorly informed electorate."

Of course, Comey isn't the only one to have gone above and beyond the law for the good of the country. Special Counsel Robert Mueller had the foresight to wipe clean the cell phones of Peter Strzok and Lisa Page before turning them over to DOJ Inspector General Michael Horowitz. And today, Mueller refused to handover documents requested by Judge Emmet Sullivan who is responsible for meting out a sentence on Gen. Flynn who plead guilty to lying to the FBI. As Mueller explained, "our ability to carry out our mission must be immunized from interference from those harboring incompatible objectives. Law enforcement's efforts to neutralize threats to the nation must remain free from interference from any source. That includes Congress, the Courts, and the Administration we are battling against."

In related news, Letitia James, who will become attorney general of the State of New York in January, has pledged to use her office as a weapon against everyone associated with President Trump. "We know the names, all we have to do is come up with crimes we can plausibly pin on each of them," she asserted. "We cannot sit idly by and expect heroes like Comey and Mueller to do all the dirty work. As New York's chief prosecutor I have wide powers that can be used to hound these people out of office and into jail."

China Demands Reparations for Pollution

China is the leading emitter of CO2 among the nations of the world. Its CO2 emissions are more than double those of the United States. Yet, the Paris Accord negotiated by former President Obama exempts China from contributing to pollution emission reductions. On top of that, the Accord obligates signers from developed nations to pay less developed nations $100 billion per year in climate related aid starting in 2020.

Xie Zhenhua, China's lead envoy at the United Nations conference on global warming in Poland, castigated the developed countries for "neglecting to compensate us for the environmental damage they have done to the world," calling them "deadbeats and welshers, especially the United States, whose President Trump has withdrawn from the agreement negotiated by President Obama."

Trump didn't entirely disagree with China's position, saying "Obama and the European signers made unrealistic promises while simultaneously letting some of the worst CO2 emitters off the hook. Even more important, though, wrecking the economy in an attempt to reduce CO2 seems a bad bargain. The impact on global temperatures of doing this would be tiny. Beside that, CO2 has some positive effects on plant growth improving crop yields and stimulating forest growth. I don't think the guys rushing into the Paris Accord adequately considered all the consequences of their actions, or as Xie has pointed out, inactions."

Evidence of Clintons' Tax Evasion Presented To House

This week, Lawrence Doyle and John Moynihan of DM Income Advisors told the House subcommittee on government operations that they forwarded thousands of documents to the IRS showing that Bill and Hillary Clinton may have neglected to pay taxes on $400 million to $2.5 billion in money they cycled through the Clinton Foundation's so-called charity.

Clinton Foundation CEO Kevin Thurm dismissed the allegations as "just another ploy by the vast right-wing conspiracy that has been harassing Bill and Hillary for decades. No one in government has ever seen fit to pursue any indictments for anything that they have done in their long and illustrious careers of public service. We don't expect that to change."

To bolster his contention, Thurm pointed out that "the special investigator brought on board the Department of Justice by former Attorney General Jeff Sessions twice lost the evidence that so-called whistleblowers tried to force him to look at. And let's not forget that former FBI Director James Comey completely exonerated Hillary for her misuse of classified information—a violation for which less important individuals have been sent to prison. When are these fringe anti-government types going to get it through their heads that their efforts to hold the Clintons responsible are quixotic exercises in futility?"

Dems Seek to Grease Skids for Tax Increase

Now that they will be back in the majority in the House of Representatives starting in January, Democrats are looking to ways to make raising taxes on Americans easier. Incoming House Rules Committee chairman Rep. Jim McGovern (D-Mass) announced he will not be abiding by the formerly bipartisan agreement to require a three-fifths majority to raise income taxes. "It should not be so hard for the government to seize the wealth that collectively belongs to the state," McGovern said.

"The notion that the person who earns an income should have protection against the government taking a bigger slice of it before he can waste it on frivolous spending is capitalist propaganda," McGovern charged. "As former President Obama so eloquently pointed out, wealth is not the result of individual effort. It is the outcome of the collective effort of the whole world. At some point, the decisions on how wealth will be distributed is something that the United Nations will handle. In the meantime, in this country, no agency is better positioned than Congress to decide how that wealth should be spent."

Caravan Update

The caravan of people trying to illegally enter the United States is taking steps to vindicate President Trump's policy of keeping them out. On the one hand, 280 of them have been arrested by Mexican police for burglarizing residences in Tijuana. Meanwhile, another 100 of them have tried their hand at extortion by demanding $50,000 apiece as the price of them ceasing to assault the border and go home.

The Trump Administration has flatly rejected this blackmail demand, but House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) and Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) urged consideration of what they termed "a reasonable request."

"Look, we aren't going to fund any border enforcement," Schumer said. "Trump isn't going to get a wall. He isn't going to get more border guards. It isn't in the Democratic Party's interest to keep these immigrants out. Each one of them is a future vote for Democratic candidates who will build and support the welfare state that serves as the chief draw for a majority of those wanting to get in. If I were Trump I'd jump at the chance of paying them to stay out. From the GOP's perspective that would be the sensible political and economic strategy."

The Democrats' open border policy was given a psychological boost by a Gallup poll finding indicating that 758 million of the worlds inhabitants want to move to a different country for a better life and 158 million of these want to move to the United States. "This is a very 'bullish' sign for the future of the Democratic Party," Pelosi boasted. "The current GOP ascendancy is just a temporary 'day in the sun' for them. We're confident that within a decade no one who isn't a Democrat will be able to win any elective office in any state of the union."

27% Say Santa Should Get Sex Change

A survey of 400 people conducted for the GraphicSprings company found 27% of respondents suggesting that Santa undergo a sex-change. As one respondent put it, "males have hogged this role for centuries why shouldn't women get a chance to play this part?"

An even more radical idea was offered by another respondent who suggested that "if we really want to keep up with trends, Santa should be transgender. Think of the inclusiveness this would communicate. By slicing off his scrotum, fashioning a vagina out of his penis, and plumping up his chest with implants we'd create a powerful spokesperson for the idea that everyone can truly be whoever they want to be."

In other Christmas news, the French national government announced it will fine the town of Béziers 2,000 Euros per day if it does not remove a miniature Nativity scene on display in the courtyard of the Hôtel de Ville. President Macron explained that "the Nativity diorama is a threat to public safety. Any display of non-Muslim religious images has the potential to ignite a killing spree from the immigrant contingent in our country. It is better that we intimidate the people of Béziers with financial penalties than risk a massacre."