OPINION

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
12-21-2018 

John Semmens
SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: December 23, 2018 Edition  
 

Planned Parenthood Explains Policy Toward Pregnant Employees

A New York Times story describing the organization's discrimination toward pregnant employees was dismissed by Planned Parenthood's management. Newly appointed president Leana Wen explained that "visibly pregnant employees are 'bad optics' that work against our primary mission."

"Look, we are trying to sell abortion procedures to our customers," Wen said. "This is hard enough to do without the contradictory message being conveyed by employees who have let their personal lives intrude into their obligation to the organization. We have the right to take measures designed to discourage employees from undermining our business model out of a misplaced desire to bring another unneeded human into an overcrowded world."

The "discouragements" management has aimed at pregnant employees include rejection of requests for breaks recommended by the employees' doctors, denying pregnant employees and women who are viewed as likely to become pregnant promotions, the absence of paid maternity leave at 89% of Planned Parenthood's regional offices, and openly boasting about the superior virtues of remaining single, being childless and/or lesbian.

NBC News Analyst Urges Indictment of Trump Children

NBC News legal analyst Jill Wine-Banks sent out a "tweet" suggesting that "if we can't get Trump directly we could threaten to embroil his children in legal jeopardy." Banks pointed out that "Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller used this tactic to persuade Gen. Flynn to plead guilty to a crime he didn't commit. Maybe it would work the same magic if Trump's sons and daughters were similarly threatened."

Addressing concerns that such a tactic might be construed as extortion, Banks asserted "we are at war to determine who shall rule America. Will it be the obviously unqualified interloper Donald Trump? Or will it be the coalition of Republicans and Democrats who have controlled the government since the 1990s? We must use every possible weapon at our disposal to ensure that the right side wins this war."

In related news, former FBI Director James Comey lauded Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller's handling of the Flynn prosecution. "We we tried to lure Gen. Flynn into a perjury trap while he was Trump's national security adviser and we couldn't do it," Comey admitted. "But Mueller was able to lose the original interview notes where our agents said they didn't think Flynn was lying. Then, by threatening the General's son with prosecution he was able to persuade him to plead guilty to lying to the FBI. It was sheer brilliance."

Democrat Slams GOP Vote for Border Security Funding

Rising socialist star Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) expressed her outrage with Republican spending priorities that added $5.7 billion in border security funding and $3 billion in emergency disaster relief funds to the federal budget.

"They've shown their true colors," she exclaimed. "They'd rather throw up barriers to the free migration that the United Nations has declared a human right than fund higher priorities like free college tuition, green jobs, prescription refills, and self-care for hard-working members of congress."

She pointed to the inclusion of the emergency disaster relief money in the bill as "a not too subtle admission that blocking the migration of a class of people who we desperately need to supply the votes that will ensure the socialist transformation of this country constitutes a disaster of major magnitude."

Dem Calls Trump Food Stamp Reform "Cruel and Unusual"

In a reversal of the Obama Administration's granting states more latitude to waive work requirements as a condition for food stamp eligibility, President Trump has directed his Department of Agriculture to shift food aid recipients "from dependence to independence and from welfare to gainful employment—as the bipartisan law originally intended."

Under the legislation creating the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) able-bodied adults without children are required to work 20 hours per week or participate in job training in order to continue to receive benefits. States were allowed to waive this requirement if unemployment was too high to make finding a job a realistic option. During the sluggish economy that prevailed when Obama was president more and more states were granting blanket exemptions from the work requirement. Now that unemployment is at historic lows in most of the United States the Trump Administration wants to reduce the frequency of waivers.

Sen. Debbie Stabenow (D-Mich), the ranking minority member of the Senate Agriculture Committee, called Trump's efforts "a potential violation of the Constitution. Previous administrations have recognized that compelling individuals to work for a living goes against the Eighth Amendment prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment. A wealthy country like ours has the means to relieve a substantial portion of the population from the necessity to toil for a living. Making the able-bodied segment of those receiving food aid accept jobs they would rather not do represents a return to the slavery that we fought a war to abolish in the 1860s. Hopefully, the courts will overturn this lurch toward tyranny by Trump."

Trump, Pence, GOP Senators Will Be Ousted by Easter

Unsuccessful Florida Democratic candidate for Congress Pam Keith boldly predicted that President Trump, Vice-President Pence and a number of "criminally culpable Republican senators" would be ousted from office and under arrest before Easter 2019.

"Not only were Trump and his henchmen knee deep in a conspiracy with Russia to deny Hillary Clinton her rightful election as president, they are also guilty of obstructing the Special Counsel's persecution of them. They have lied to the FBI—a most serious crime against the state—but also to the American people who they duped into voting for them. The GOP senators who have endorsed Trump's judicial nominees have aided and abetted his tyranny. The Republicans in both Houses who approved his corporate tax cut have, as Michael Moore pointed out, committed an act of terrorism against this country."

Keith demanded that "we cleanse our country of these criminals and traitors and clear the path for the social transformation that President Obama promised would bring the blessings of socialism to every loyal man, woman and child."

In related news, State Senator Kevin Parker (D-Brooklyn) urged a staffer to kill herself after she complained that his vehicle was illegally parked in a bike lane blocking traffic. "Legislative staffers need to respect those they serve," Parker argued. "I am a member of the government. I make laws for the people to obey. She should've appreciated that my needs for parking space supersede the needs of bicycle riders."

Dane Chastised for Using Words "Illegal Migration"

Anders Vistisen, a Danish People's Party member of the European Parliament, was chastised by British member Claude Moraes for using the phrase "illegal migration" during a discussion of illegal migration. Moraes rejected Vistisen's argument that the phrase conformed to terminology used in the 2007 Lisbon Treaty on immigration and insisted that the correct phrase is "irregular migration because it is the phrase that parliament has been using for the last decade."

Afterwards, Moraes allowed that "I should have expected this kind of insensitivity from a Dane. This isn't their 'first offense' in such matters. Remember, it was Denmark that held the inexcusably offensive 'draw Mohammed' contest a few years ago. And just this month Denmark announced that criminal aliens who have completed their prison sentences, but can't be deported because they would be at risk of being executed in their countries of origin, will be sent to a deserted island rather than be put back on the streets of Copenhagen. This policy directly contradicts the United Nation's declaration that humans have a right to live wherever they want and nations have the obligation to take immigrants in and tend to their needs."

Vistisen contends that "a debate about immigration that does not permit a distinction between legal and illegal migration is out of touch with reality. No nation should be obligated to admit migrants against its will. We have a right to object to having criminals invite themselves into our countries and prey upon our citizens. A refusal to frankly discuss the issue prevents a coherent solution to what has obviously become a significant threat to public safety."

In related news, Swedish Moderate Party leader Ulf Kristersson urged Swedish youths "to learn Arabic if they hope to be able to survive once Muslims become the majority in our country. If Swedes hope to prosper I think conversion to Islam would be the most advisable course of action if we want to escape discriminatory taxes, inferior legal and social status, and regular humiliation at the hands of Muslim neighbors and government officials."

German Minister Recommends "Reeducation" for Right-Wingers

Dr. Franziska Giffey, the Social-Democratic German Federal Minister for Family Affairs, wrote the forward for a brochure from the Amadeu Antonio Foundation recommending that children from right-wing families be sent to reeducation camps.

"The importance of ensuring that the next generation of Germans has the correct thoughts cannot be overemphasized," Giffey wrote. "When it can be shown that a child's parent harbor nonconforming or dissident opinions the need for remedial action is readily apparent. It is in the German state's interest to see that action is taken. Enrolling these children in a setting that is isolated from the baleful influence of their parents is essential if we hope to succeed in molding them into a proper frame of mind to fit in with the socialist collective that we desire for Germany's future."