OPINION

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
12-28-2018 

John Semmens
SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: December 30, 2018 Edition  
 

Special Counsel to Implement a "Nude Selfie" Strategy

Robert Mueller, the Special Counsel appointed to investigate possible collusion between the Trump presidential campaign and Russia, has opened a new front after discovering a "nude selfie" among the millions of pages of documents it has seized from Concord Management.

Mueller called the discovery "a real eye opener. The depravity I've unveiled since I began my quest to rid the nation of the evil Trump Administration has lurched from covertly recorded conversations between members of the Trump campaign and the provocateurs the FBI inserted within their ranks to simulate illicit connections with Russians, to coerced admissions of lying to FBI investigators, and now to a revelation of at least one lewd image transmitted over the Internet."

"The possibility that we could photo-shop nude images of Trump, his family members, Congressional supporters, and others committing embarrassing and sordid acts had not previously occurred to us," Mueller admitted. "Based on descriptions provided by Stormy Daniels we're confident that we can create humiliating portraits of all the Trump men. With the cooperation of the media these portraits will saturate the air waves. And since most people accept that seeing is believing, the only way for Trump and his minions to dodge this bullet would be to opt for a timely retirement from public life."

Dems Forge Ahead to Transform America

In a year-end reflection, Oakland Mayor Libby Schaaf "took pride in the aid I was able to give to immigrants being pursued by ICE. Oakland is a sanctuary city. As such I feel it is my obligation to protect all our inhabitants from persecution by federal authorities. Sure, some of the undocumented immigrants living here have criminal records, but so do some of the native-born citizens. Accepting the fact that a portion of any population must live outside the law is what is required if we truly respect the values of diversity."

"I have no regrets," Schaaf asserted. "The victims of crimes committed by those who escaped ICE apprehension due to my warning might just as easily been victimized by citizen-criminals. So, there's no direct link between my act of mercy toward immigrants and any specific crime. In fact, the success of Democrats in the November election shows that voters in California approve of open borders, sanctuary cities, and the eventual restoration of Mexican sovereignty over land stolen by US military aggression during the 1800s."

Meanwhile, Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) declared his state's independence from the federal government. "After a long train of abuses, we are exercising our rights under the Constitution to sever the bonds between our state and the federal government, except for the federal aid that is owed us," Cuomo announced. He further warned the State's two senators that "I shall ask the legislature to recall them if they fail to protect New York's allotment of federal funds."

In Texas, recently defeated senatorial candidate Beto O'Rourke rushed to the El Paso Greyhound bus station with a stack of voter registration forms after ICE released 200 illegal immigrants there while they wait for a refugee status hearing scheduled for 2020. "In all likelihood, these people are going to be here in the United States for the foreseeable future," O'Rourke said. "As human beings they have a natural right to participate in electing those who will govern them. As the first person to come to their assistance in exercising this right I hope I can count on their support when I run for president next year."

Boston Marathon Bomber Death Sentence Challenged

Attorneys for Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev filed a 500 page brief in the 1st U.S. District Court of Appeals arguing that the death sentence handed down after his conviction should be tossed aside. Their key argument is that "the trial judge refused to grant a change of venue."

"The trial was held in Boston, a city of widespread antipathy to the Muslim religious obligation to wage war against unbelievers," the attorneys wrote. "The jury pool was comprised of unbelievers in spite of the fact that Islamic law requires that Muslims be judged only by members of the faith. A parade of infidel witnesses were permitted to give testimony that portrayed Tsarnaev as a criminal rather than the righteous warrior that he, in fact, is for the faith of Islam."

The attorneys' brief contends that "if the trial venue had been moved to Chechnya where a jury of Muslim men could have more impartially weighed the evidence a sentence of death would never have been imposed. At most, our client would have been asked to pay reparations to the families of the deceased. For these reasons we demand that the death sentence be commuted so Dzhokhar will be able to pay reparations out of the $2 per day wages he could earn in the prison laundry."

CNN Irked by Trump Iraq Visit

After first complaining that "Trump's unannounced trip to Iraq didn't give ISIS a fair chance to interdict his unwanted presence in Muslim territory," CNN's Jim Acosta pivoted to a complaint that "his improper friendliness with US troops was unpresidential."

Acosta differentiated President Trump's signing of autographs from President Obama's signing of autographs by pointing out "President Obama was a Nobel Prize winner who was honestly elected by a majority of voters. Trump is just a real estate developer who colluded with the Russians and still only won via an electoral college technicality, even though Sec. Clinton had more total votes."

In related news, it turns out that lionized "journalist" Jamal Khashoggi, who was killed in the Saudi Consulate in Turkey, was a covert operative working on behalf of Qatar to publish anti-Saudi propaganda using his position as an op ed writer for the Washington Post. Post editor Fred Hiatt denied any knowledge of Khashoggi's role as a propagandist saying "how could we know? He fit right in with everything we were saying about Trump and Saudi Arabia. As far as we could tell his views were our views."

Senator Says Increased Welfare Spending Will Reduce Homicides

Sen Dick Durbin (D-Ill) urged President Trump "to take a lesson from President Obama and boost federal welfare spending in Chicago if he's serious about curbing the city's soaring homicide rate."

"The gang-bangers who are shooting each other, witnesses, and innocent bystanders are justifiably angry that the public housing provided is not as luxurious as what they can afford from pushing illegal drugs," Durbin said. "They are also miffed that the federally-funded job training they are offered only leads to entry level jobs and, at best, middle income salaries. In contrast, the profits from criminal activities enable them to afford the fancy clothes, jewelry, and cars that corporate executive salaries can buy."

"We need to raise the value of the perks that welfare can offer to a level high enough to dissuade young people from choosing crime as a way of life," the Senator argued. "President Obama understood this. I don't think Trump gets it."

Democrats Now Party of the Rich

In the November elections, Democrats won in the 20 richest congressional districts. An ebullient Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif), currently vacationing during the "cruel" government shutdown at the Fairmont Orchid resort in Hawaii (where room rates range from $900 per night for a regular room to $5,000 for a suite) bragged that "the ultimate demise of the Republican Party is imminent. Democrats own the Black vote, the Hispanic vote, the immigrant vote, the welfare vote. We have more campaign money from wealthy donors than Republicans can ever hope to see."

"The coalition of small business owners, farmers, middle-income wage-earners, craftsmen, and religious zealots that Trump relied on to steal the 2016 election represents a dwindling faction of the American population," Pelosi pointed out. "They will be unable to stop the juggernaut of progressives that we have assembled. The wisest course for the rump of Republicans who hope to keep their political careers and perks is to cooperate with us in the transition to the socialist future that President Obama promised would be our fate."

A taste of the collective mindset the Democrats say will be our future was seen in the identical Christmas tweets sent out by Rep. Pelosi and Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) slamming President Trump, gloating over the trillions of dollars in losses a plunging stock market has inflicted on the future pensions, IRAs and 401k retirement funds, and the possible economic recession and unemployment this may herald for the coming year.

Senators Wonder If Catholics Are Qualified to Be Judges

Senators Mazie Hirono (D-Hawaii) and Kamala Harris (D-Calif) are concerned that judicial nominee Brian Buescher's membership in the Knights of Columbus—a Catholic charity—might disqualify him from being confirmed as a federal judge.

"In general, Catholics are kind of out of step with the values I think we want our country to have," Hirono said. "Their belief that marriage is a bond between a man and a woman and their opposition to abortion are at odds with the law. Joining the Knights of Columbus demonstrates a degree of religious fanaticism beyond that of the typical Sunday churchgoer. Should we put such religious fanatics in a position to preside over trials?"

"I view support for abortion as a litmus test I will use in vetting candidates for judgeships if I'm elected president," Harris opined. "It seems to me that consistency requires that I apply the same criteria as a senator asked to confirm nominees advanced by any president."

Both Senators agreed that it would be wrong to consider a Muslim's religion as a factor in assessing his qualifications for being appointed to a federal court. "As far as we know," Harris said, "Muslims are only opposed to abortions for members of their own faith. Unbelievers terminating their own pregnancies alleviates the need to convert, oppress or kill these individuals once sharia law is established."