SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: January 6, 2019 Edition
Pelosi Says Building Border Wall Immoral
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) stood by her pledge to "not appropriate a single dollar for a border wall" contending that "building such a wall would be immoral."
"Look, building an impermeable barrier would block the natural migration patterns of the herds of immigrants and the predators that depend upon them for their sustenance," the Speaker said. "The more hospitable conditions on the American side benefit both the predators and their prey. The prey can qualify for numerous government payments that will enable them to support more offspring. The monetary stipends increase the rewards for predators who rob them. The increased offspring generate more children for predators to exploit and abuse. On balance, both categories of immigrants come out ahead."
"And let's not overlook the advantages for our country from unrestricted immigration," Pelosi added. "The addition of millions of unskilled people who could potentially enter the labor force helps hold down the cost of labor in the United States. On the one hand, this will boost the profits of many of the billionaires who are generous donors to the Democratic Party. On the other hand, with some of the more progressive states eliminating the citizenship requirement for voting, the expansion of this natural Democratic constituency bolsters our Party's chances for winning elections. Remember, the 'vote harvesting' scheme that decimated Republicans in California was carried out by immigrants that a border wall would likely have prevented from entering the country."
Ocasio-Cortez Pitches Confiscatory Taxes
Newly elected socialist firebrand Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) told CNN's Anderson Cooper that "if we want economic growth and a fairer distribution of wealth the rich will have to pay more in taxes." She cited history to back her claim.
"In the 1960s, before President Kennedy's tax cut, both economic growth and taxes in this country were higher than today," the first-term congresswoman observed. "In more progressive countries like the Soviet Union and Communist China economic growth was even faster with the government essentially controlling all the investment and distribution decisions."
"My 'Green New Deal' is a moderate first step toward the kind of economic dynamism and equality achieved by those two great societies," she explained. "We'll start with a maximum 70% income tax rate. Moving toward a totally socialized system will become easier after the American people get a chance to experience the prosperity that is an inherent part of this superior system of organizing and controlling the collective assets of humanity for the greater good."
In related news, Ocasio-Cortez joined Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) in denouncing Speaker Pelosi's suggestion that new spending legislation be balanced by tax increases sufficient to fund new programs, calling it "a dark political maneuver designed to hamstring progress. The government owns the mint and can print as much money as we need. Since Democrats are now the majority in congress I don't see why we can't just give every person in the country a million dollars in cash. We would abolish poverty and win over a permanent majority of voters forever."
Gov't "Shutdown" May Last Years
President Trump's statement that he is willing to have the government "shutdown" last for years, if that's what it takes to get funding for a border wall, has Democratic Party leaders agog.
Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) called the threat "cruel and insensitive toward the non-essential federal workers who are bearing the brunt of this insane tactic. They all have families to feed. They need the checks they've come to expect every two weeks."
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) contended "non-essential or not, these employees are part of the brain that keeps America alive and kicking. Citizens wouldn't know what to do or how to live their lives without the vital guidance that spews forth from government on a daily basis."
President Trump admitted that "there are some inconveniences being experienced around the country. I'd be willing to sit down with the Democrats to work on measures to alleviate this problem. But come on, non-essential employees are called non-essential for a reason. They aren't required for carrying out the constitutionally mandated functions of the federal government. Many of the agencies where these non-essential employees are housed probably shouldn't have been created. Now that we've gone a couple of weeks without them being open I think we are seeing how unnecessary they really are."
Trump also cast doubt on the usual practice of giving the furloughed non-essential employees back pay for the time they are idle. "There's a lot of waste in the federal budget," Trump said. "I think the 'shutdown' gives us an opportunity to sort out which activities can be cut from the budget. Certainly, getting paid for work not done seems a good source of saving some money. Another option would be for these people to look for jobs in the booming economy that my policies have stimulated. Joining the private sector where essential goods and services are produced sounds like a better use of the nation's human resources than retaining them as paper pushers in non-essential government agencies."
O'Rourke 2020 Presidential Campaign Scores Endorsement Coup
Unwilling to undergo the sex and pigment alterations that his advisers say is essential to compete for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination, recently defeated Texas senatorial candidate Beto O'Rourke has scored a major coup by getting the endorsement of unsuccessful 2016 presidential candidate former Maryland Governor Martin O'Malley.
"Like every Irishman I know, Beto has the wisdom to listen, the courage to lead, and a rock-solid faith in the powerful goodness of our nation," O'Malley asserted. "I am proud to hand over the torch I lit for my campaign to the man who can carry my bold vision forward to victory in 2020."
Irked a bit at being identified as Irish, O'Rourke pointed out that "I self identify as Mexican now. If a man can self-identify as a woman I don't see why I can't self-identify as a Mexican. After all, it helped me win the Latino vote in my race against Ted Cruz." Nevertheless he graciously accepted what he characterized as "the first wave of a tide that will finally see this country elect me as the first Latino president of the United States."
Romney Assails Trump's Impoliteness
Incoming freshman Senator Mitt Romney (R-UT) took to the pages of the Washington Post to chastise President Trump for his "unbearable impoliteness. Those of us in public service have a moral obligation to conduct ourselves with the utmost civility, no matter what. Trump's claim that he is only punching back at those who attack him doesn't absolve him of this responsibility."
"When I ran for president in 2012 I was vilified by the media and Democrats," Romney recalled. "Lies aimed at besmirching my character were commonplace. Even the moderator at one of my debates with President Obama incorrectly corrected me by citing false 'facts.' But I took it like a man and submitted to defeat with grace and dignity. Trump's refusal to follow my lead threatens our democracy. If both sides insist on bare-knuckle politics comity disintegrates and chaos follows."
Romney averred that "like Jeff Flake, I mostly agree with Trump's policy goals. But I'm putting those goals aside so I can pursue the higher goal of joining the Democrats and the media in their vilification of Trump. That way I will demonstrate that at least one Republican can reach across the aisle for the greater good of America."
Former Gov. John Kasich (R-Ohio) cheered Romney on saying "good policy is no substitute for good manners. My manners are 100% better than Trump's. Yet, Republican voters foolishly rejected me and selected him to be the Party's nominee. A majority of those who voted in the general election voted against Trump, but he craftily employed a strategy that won him a majority of the electoral vote. This is not how a gentleman behaves. It's not how Mitt behaved in 2012. Crafty in victory is not what the Republican Party has stood for over the past three decades. Humility in defeat has been our most endearing quality. We need to return to that if we want to moderate the media vilification of our Party, candidates, and dwindling number of officeholders."
In related news, former FBI Director James Comey hailed Romney's critique of Trump and admitted that "if I had known what a patriot and all-around swell guy he is I would have been less enthusiastic in following President Obama's orders use the FBI to sabotage Romney's 2012 campaign."