SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: January 20, 2019 Edition
Trump Reversal of Obama School Discipline Policy Harms Minorities
The Trump Administration's intention to eliminate the "racially balanced" regulations promulgated by former President Obama's "Dear Colleague Letter" was condemned by former Obama Administration Sec. of Education Arne Duncan who called it harmful to minorities.
"The whole point of President Obama's approach was to equalize the stigma of school disciplinary actions so that each racial grouping was proportionately represented in the punishments meted out," Duncan said. "The previous policy articulated by former Reagan Administration official Clarence Thomas in 1981 merely directed that whatever disciplinary procedures a school had must be applied without racial bias. This led to minorities being disproportionately represented among the rolls of those serving detentions, getting suspensions, and being turned over to law enforcement."
"The role of the public school system is to help prepare youngsters for future careers," Duncan asserted. "Since many of minority youth are likely to embark on careers in crime the disproportionate discipline impedes these students' acquisition of the skills needed for these career choices. Robbing other students, intimidating them, vandalizing property, and defying authority are activities that will nurture the kind of abilities that the aspiring criminal will find useful if he or she is to succeed in his or her chosen line of crime."
Trump Administration Sec. of Education Betsy DeVos thanked Duncan "for clarifying the need to undo the Obama policy. Crime is a career choice that victimizes law-abiding members of society. Students demonstrating an aptitude for this kind of behavior need to be impeded from this career path. Not only will such impediments help protect their non-criminal fellow students and non-criminal future victims, it will also switch some of the teen-aged miscreants onto a more socially productive track—sparing them from lives ruined by lengthy stretches in prison or worse."
Pelosi Defends Putting Ilhan Omar on Committee
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) defended placing Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn) on the House Foreign Affairs Committee despite her anti-Semitic and anti-Israel views, calling it "a small step toward achieving a balanced perspective. You know, we have several Jews already on the Committee. Bringing aboard a Muslim who is not afraid to speak out against the Jewish drive toward world domination fills a vacuum that needed filling."
Pelosi admitted that "for years the Democratic Party has been hypnotized by Jewish propaganda. Given the very small population of Jews in America and the world compared to the rapidly growing number of those holding opposing points of view, it makes sense for our Party to revise its alliances. Islam is, to quote Osama bin Laden, 'the stronger horse.' A wise man logically prefers the stronger horse. In the not too distant future, Muslims will likely make up a majority in this country. Democrats want to be sure this stronger horse is on our side."
Omar expressed appreciation for "the first small step toward righteousness taken by Speaker Pelosi. The next step is to get the Jews off the Committee as soon as possible. If we want the House to stand we cannot allow these termites to continue to eat away the structure."
Meanwhile, in Saudi Arabia the Grand Mosque in Mecca has been infested with huge swarms of locusts. Rep. Omar immediately blamed "the Jews. They did this once before to Egypt in a show of ingratitude for the jobs the Pharoah had provided for them in his public works program. Well, Muslims aren't as weak as Ramses was. If Jews continue to reject the blessings of conversion to Islam they will be exterminated as the Quran commands us to do."
University Takes Stand Against Basing Grades on Quality
American University is hosting a seminar for its faculty to teach them a new way of grading students without relying too heavily on the quality of their work. The seminar will be taught by University of Washington–Tacoma professor Dr. Asao Inoue.
"Grading papers based on their quality imposes 'white' standards that are insensitive to alternate ways of thinking and communicating," Inoue explained. "Just because a student's writing seems incoherent and ungrammatical to a white professor doesn't mean he should give it a bad grade. President Trump often makes grammatical mistakes. Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) is often incoherent. These deficiencies in our nation's highest-ranking members of government suggest that writing and speaking competency aren't as important as we previously have thought."
As an alternative to assessing quality Inoue recommends "using quantity and effort as the foundation for handing out grades. Counting the number of words, or intended words in the case of non-words appearing in a student's writing, is a more objective measure. Similarly, a student whose vocalized attempts at communication are garbled and indecipherable probably had to exert great effort to complete a writing assignment, especially if more than a few paragraphs are attempted. This kind of effort should be rewarded with a higher grade."
Dems Reject Invitation to Working Lunch Meeting
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) and Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer rejected an invitation from President Trump to participate in a lunch meeting that would discuss a possible compromise to partially fund a border barrier and reopen the federal government.
"We saw the fast food spread he bought for the college football champions," Schumer pointed out. "If he treats star athletes like that I shudder to think what he'd have on the menu for us. He likes football. He hates us. There's no way I'd go without seeing a menu first."
Pelosi was even harsher in her assessment of the President's offer. "Burgers and pizza are no substitute for our lobster and liquor junket that the President canceled at the last minute," she complained. "We are important people. We are entitled to a lunch befitting our status as co-rulers of this country."
Aside from their displeasure with the prospect of "being asked to settle for food that common ordinary people eat," both Schumer and Pelosi were skeptical about reaching an agreement. "We have already told the President that the only compromise we will accept is total and unconditional surrender," Pelosi reminded everyone. "President Roosevelt demanded it of the Nazis. Patriotism requires that we use this winning tactic against the gravest threat to the United States since World War II."
Kasich Gets Gig with CNN
Former Ohio Governor John Kasich (R) has been signed by CNN to be an on air commentator across a variety of the network's programs.
The ex-governor expressed his hope that he "might leverage a tour as a television star into a successful campaign for the presidency like Trump did, only with more compassion for the lonely and depressed majority of Americans. I think voters will respond favorably to my belief that 'everyone needs to be hugged.' It will be a welcome change from Trump's 'everyone needs to be slugged.'"
Kasich said he was "especially proud to be named a señor commentator. I take it as recognition and appreciation of my open border stance. 'Señor' sounds so much friendlier than 'mister.' I look forward to a future where every man is a señor and every woman a señorita. Golly, I'm already speaking Spanish. If this doesn't prove there is no border crisis I don't know what would."
Ohr Rats Out DOJ & FBI Brass
Despite the FBI's alibi alleging that the top DOJ officials who signed the application to the FISA Court for permission to spy on the Trump campaign believed that the Steele Dossier was legitimate intelligence, it now appears that this is yet another lie emerging from the once highly regarded Agency.
It turns out that former Associate Deputy Attorney General Bruce Ohr testified in Congress last August that he had fully briefed top level FBI and Justice Department officials—including the FBI's then-Deputy Director Andy McCabe, lawyer Lisa Page, FBI lead investigator Peter Strzok (who worked with then FBI Director James Comey to conceal and minimize Hillary Clinton's violation of national security laws and regulations), Deputy Assistant Attorney General Bruce Swartz, lawyer Zainab Ahmad and fraud unit head Andrew Weissman. Ahmad and Weissman now work for special counsel Robert Mueller.
Ohr's briefings during the summer of 2016—before the first FISA application was filed—informed these people that the Steele Dossier had not been verified, that Steele was highly biased against Trump, and that the dossier had been ordered and paid for by the Hillary Clinton for president campaign.
To this day, fired FBI director James Comey professes no memory of any briefings on any topics during his four year tenure as the head of the Agency. "It pains me to have to attest to my unbelievably poor recall of events that I presumably would've been aware of as Director," he admitted. "But what can you do? We are who we are, warts and all. Nevertheless, important people in the government and media continually praise my probity and swear I can be trusted. These same important people do not have as high an opinion of Trump."