SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: January 27, 2019 Edition
CNN Reporters' Latest Delusions
CNN's chief White House correspondent Jim Acosta says he is writing a book about his sufferings under the evil Trump regime.
"The gist of the story follows my heroic efforts to bring the truth to the American people despite the personal cost and risk to myself," Costa said. "I have been crucified for daring to speak truth to power. My press pass was temporarily suspended causing me great anxiety. But on the third day I arose again to continue my crusade against the oppression by our nation's so-called president."
The CNN blowhard called his forthcoming book "a story for the ages. It will transform how people think about life, government, and most importantly, me. It will stand head-and-shoulders above the writings of lesser messiahs like Hillary Clinton and James Comey."
Meanwhile, CNN host Don Lemon cited "the fact that people still feel free to wear Trump's 'Make America Great Again' hats continues to divide our nation. These hats make many people uncomfortable and may incite them into a hostile mood or violent response like the one we saw from the Black Israelites whose indecent language provoked Nathan Phillips' attempt to calm the situation by confronting the Covington teens on the Capitol Mall."
"What this country needs is some sort of reeducation system to prevent individuals or groups from engaging in behaviors that might trigger others," Lemon advised. "It is my understanding the Soviet Union and China have had great success in interdicting the expression of anti-progressive views by preemptively sending those suspected of holding such views to re-education camps. I think it's an idea we should look into for deterring the type of events perpetrated by the Covington teens."
Warren Moves Left of Ocasio-Cortez
Nervous that her presidential candidacy might not be sufficiently radical, Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) sought to out bid rising Democratic star New York Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's proposed 70% income tax with her own 50% tax on total wealth.
"While her proposed 70% income tax is a worthy effort for a rookie member of congress, it overlooks the much larger stash of accumulated wealth just lying around for the taking," Warren pointed out. "Immoral billionaires can always shift their income-earning activity outside the taxing jurisdiction. But their assets—homes, business facilities, heavy equipment and the like are less mobile and easier to confiscate."
"Those more familiar with the history of progressive transformations carried out in Russia, China, Cuba see how effective those radical governments were by seizing control over the 'geese that laid the golden eggs' of capitalistic wealth creation. Under my proposal for example, the government would be immediately authorized to take half of Trump's properties away from him. Given that Trump's business is a global corporation it's not inconceivable that the half we take could leave him homeless within the United States and force him to leave the country, if he's not in jail after we get him out of the White House."
The urgency of the Democrats' quest to oust Trump was reemphasized by the continually falling rate of unemployment. This week the Department of Labor announced statistics showing that weekly jobless claims have fallen to their lowest mark since 1969—an event that Warren claims "makes it even more imperative that we hasten his departure by whatever means we can. Enacting my 50% tax can only accelerate this objective."
NY Enacts Radical Abortion Legislation
In a bid to avert a potential future Supreme Court ruling that might temporarily interrupt the carnage, the New York State Senate bowed to the extortion of Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) and passed the nation's most radical pro-abortion legislation. Under this new law, abortions would be permitted up until the moment of birth and failed procedures resulting in live births could be corrected via after birth termination of the unwanted children.
State Senate Majority Leader Andrea Stewart-Cousins (D-Yonkers) hailed the legislation for "averting the potential tragedy of forcing even one woman to give birth to a child she does not want. The trauma of being forced to be a mother is something we must guard against. The anti-abortion argument against aborting viable children on the premise that others willing to adopt the child negates the need to terminate his or her life ignores the psychological toll this takes on the unwilling birth mother."
In addition to cheers in the Senate after the bill passed 38-24, Cuomo ordered that the One World Trade Center's 408-foot spire "be lit up with pink light in celebration of this historic victory for progressive values. Pink is in honor of the brave individuals, 100% of whom are women, who have chosen to end the lives of their own children, and the 50% of the victims who are also female. The light ceremony acknowledges that the world will be a better place because of their sacrifice."
Meanwhile, to mark the 46th anniversary of the landmark Roe v. Wade decision, Illinois Gov. JB Pritzker (D) signed an executive order he claimed "will give Illinois the most progressive abortion-rights law in America. My only regret is that the 50% of aborted infants who are female will never grow up to enjoy this greatest of all civil rights."
Ocasio-Cortez Determined to Eliminate Billionaires
Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) continues her assault on the immorality of allowing billionaires to exist. "Most of the people in the world today and throughout human history have been poor," she pointed out. "Subsistence living is the normal condition for all of God's creatures. The Pope recognizes this. Ecological science recognizes this. Billionaires are unnatural and environmentally dangerous."
"The argument that the opportunity to make billions is a spur to the innovations that have made life for most Americans relatively luxurious has never tempted me to consider compromising with the greed that this engenders," the Congresswoman said. "I have always believed that the best things in life are free. That's why I'm pushing so hard for free health care, free education, free rent—basically, free everything."
"Think about how relieving everyone of the need to worry about having the money to buy things will improve the world," she continued. "No one would be forced to work if they didn't want to. Say goodbye to the morning alarm clock rousting you out of bed. Say goodbye to the commuter rat race. Say goodbye to the tyrannical boss who confiscates your leisure time. This is what the majority of voters want. This is why socialism will sweep aside all nonbelievers."
"Even if the naysayers' are right and the economy collapses, the planet will benefit," Ocasio-Cortez added. "If America's 300 million population is winnowed down to 300 thousand global warming will no longer be a threat. Habitat for wildlife will expand. Humans could resume their natural niche in the struggle for survival. Technology will no longer warp the way our species lives. Would this not be the Garden of Eden?"
NFL Commissioner Suggests Superbowl Compromise
Following last week's egregious non-call of obvious pass interference by a Los Angeles Rams player against a New Orleans Saints receiver, attorney Frank D'Amico, Jr. filed a lawsuit calling for NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to use his powers under Rule 17 to reverse the outcome of the game that the Rams eventually won in overtime or schedule a replay of the last two minutes after a pass interference penalty is imposed on the Rams.
Goodell is reported to be disinclined to take the action demanded in the suit because "bad officiating has been part of football since the sport was invented. In the old days good sportsmanship from the offending team would often lead to a bad call, or non-call as was the case in the Rams/Saints game, being corrected. Nowadays too much money is at stake for us to expect good sportsmanship to save the day."
As a compromise, Goodell offered "to allow both the Rams and the Saints to share the NFC title and to take turns by halves or quarters in the Superbowl game vs. the Patriots. This will expand the number of fans with a direct interest in the outcome and boost purchases of NFL team gear making this sharing arrangement a 'win-win' outcome on the most critical value we all share—making more money."
Patriots' coach Bill Belichick complained that "this so-called compromise doesn't look good from where I'm sitting. The boost in gear sales will go entirely to the Rams and Saints. And while we wouldn't be playing against two teams simultaneously our dual opponents would be fresher and less fatigued by the time that we reach the crucial fourth quarter. Rectifying the raw deal meted out to the Saints as the Commissioner proposes would simply shift the raw deal onto us. I could only agree to this compromise if we are given full control over inflating all the game balls to be used in this extraordinary game."
Dems in House to Swap out Terror Subcommittee
Now that the Democrats have a majority in the House of Representatives, House Foreign Affairs Committee Chairman Eliot Engel (D-NY) has announced plans to get rid of the subcommittee on terrorism and replace it with a subcommittee that will focus on President Trump's business interests.
"After discussions with Party leadership and the media, I have reached the conclusion that Trump represents a far greater danger to this country than Islamic terrorism," Engel concluded. "At worst, terrorists may murder and/or maim thousands of Americans, but they can never take control of our government. Trump, on the other hand, has, with the connivance of the Russians, already taken control of the Executive Branch where he is deploying considerable power to thwart the progressive transformation initiated by President Obama. So, Trump is clearly the bigger threat."
"Further, since the Special Counsel investigation hasn't yet come up with anything that can justify impeaching Trump, I feel that opening a second front to probe his business activities may be our best hope," the Congressman suggested. "First, the very fact that he is an admitted self-made billionaire raises the question: who did he take the billions from? Second, polls show that a majority of voters hate billionaires and wouldn't be opposed to confiscating their ill-gotten profits. My new subcommittee will be exploring the potential for achieving these important objectives. Besides, hasn't Trump boasted he's defeated ISIS? Doesn't that tell us that a subcommittee devoted to dealing with terrorism is now obsolete?"