OPINION

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
02-15-2019 

John Semmens
SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: February 17, 2019 Edition  
 

Trump's Border Emergency Called "Unlawful"

Given Congress' provision of only a small token appropriation of $1.4 billion to fund a mere 55 miles of border barriers, President Trump used his constitutional designation as Commander-in-Chief of the armed forces and statutory authority under the National Emergencies Act of 1976 to declare the continuing invasion of the United States by millions of illegal aliens a "national emergency." The President announced he will use funds appropriated for national defense to build border barriers.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) and Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) denounced the President's action as "unlawful. To characterize the migration of millions of future Democratic voters into this country as an invasion is inhumane. These migrants come from poor countries that are unable to provide the kind of social benefits we readily extend to American citizens whose only accomplishment has been to have been born on the north side of the border."

"We are a wealthy nation and have a moral obligation to share our wealth with those less fortunate," Pelosi elaborated. "The argument that it is financially impractical for us to do this doesn't stand up to scrutiny. The average American is overfed and loaded down with excessive material possessions. Our homes are too big. We waste our time and money on frivolous entertainment. We have no moral right to withhold our surplus from a more equitable redistribution."

Schumer contrasted Trump's abuse of executive power with former President Obama's, saying that "while President Obama admittedly went beyond his authority in declaring amnesty and special privileges for dreamers, he did it out of love, not hate. Though there is no explicit language in the Constitution or any statute authorizing his action, the courts decided there should be and upheld what he did. We're confident that the courts will see the distinction between what these two presidents did and strike down Trump's evil use of his authority."

Yet Another Dem Assails Booming Economy

Rep. Gwen Moore (D-WI) took her opportunity to speak at a House Ways and Means Committee hearing to criticize the rising incomes and increased employment of minorities that has been sparked by Republican policies of less regulation and lower taxes.

"GDP is great, unemployment is at an all-time low, African Americans are doing well, Hispanics are doing well, wages are rising at the fastest pace in ten years, blah, blah, blah," she admitted. "The beneficiaries are only those who are willing to work. There was no boost in income for those unwilling to work. In fact, the lowered unemployment was largely achieved by luring people to join the workforce. The tremendous loss of what was formerly paid leisure time remains unacknowledged by the GOP."

Moore held forth the remedy that the Green New Deal will provide "to correct the imbalances created by the Trump economy. By making it explicit that everyone in this country is entitled to a decent living without having to endure the suffering inherent in actually working for a living we will guarantee that both the industrious and the indolent are treated equally under the law."

California Eyeing Expropriation of Pacific Gas & Electric

Faced with a huge shortfall between revenues and expenditures, Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) is putting together a "Strike Team" to seize the bankrupt PG&E utility.

As Newsom sees it, "expropriation will help reduce the State's budget deficit. First, upon taking ownership we will repudiate the debts of this corporation and relieve ourselves of the obligation to pay back money lent to the company. Second, we will then breakdown and sell all the assets for cash. Friends tell me that the copper wires that carry electricity to homes and businesses bring a good price in the resale market."

The Governor said he hopes "to use the funds from the sale of PG&E's assets to tear down the fencing between California and Mexico and re-install it on our eastern border with Nevada and Arizona to impede the out-migration of citizens fleeing rats, humans defecating in the streets, open drug use and high taxes plaguing our sanctuary state."

Former Texas Congressman Beto O'Rourke (D) praised Newsom's plan to reunite California with Mexico and offered to stage a rally for reconquista near the State's southern border. "I am 100% behind anything that my Mexican supporters want," he said. "If they want to become American citizens, I'll support that. If they want to take back California, Texas and other lands stolen from them, I'll support that. It's time we right the historical wrongs the United States has done to Mexico and Mexicans."

In related news, the Denver City Council voted unanimously to legalize defecating in the streets. Mayor Michael Hancock explained "we are trying to make our City a more enticing destination for immigrants coming from countries where taking a dump in the open air is a privilege they've long been accustomed to enjoy."

FBI Plotted Coup Against Trump

Former acting FBI Director Andrew McCabe publicly admitted that his Agency and other national security figures met to consider ways of ousting Trump from office in early 2017. Details of the plot are described in McCabe's book: The Threat: How the FBI Protects America in the Age of Terror and Trump.

"It was clear to everyone in the room that Trump represented a clear and present danger to national security," McCabe asserted. "He had no prior government experience. He didn't work his way up through the political ranks as a governor or senator. He just jumped into the presidential race and horrified us all by unexpectedly winning. All of us who had worked behind the scenes to try to insure his defeat were now at risk."

"We looked at a lot of options," McCabe recalled. "Rosenstein offered to wear a wire in hopes that he could goad Trump into a damaging statement. Others pointed out that Trump had been under FBI surveillance since the moment he began his run for the presidency and we heard nothing of substance to discredit him. We looked at the 25th Amendment, but realized we lacked any compromising data on Pence that we could use to pressure him to declare Trump incompetent. All we could agree on was to appoint Mueller as a special counsel to initiate a wide-ranging probe aimed at creating a negative public image for the President."

CNN's Chris Cillizza averred that "the attempts to use the 25th Amendment, surveillance, and a smear campaign fueled by leaks from the Mueller investigation strike me as mild compared to what they could've done. I mean, the FBI used deadly force to take out the much lesser threats posed to the nation by David Koresh and Randy Weaver. Neither of them seized power or threatened to expose or disrupt the long-term governance of the United States. I think Trump should consider himself lucky to be merely illegally spied upon and vilified."

Congresswoman Excited to Have Sparked Debate about Jews

Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn) expressed excitement that her anti-Semitic tweets "have sparked a desperately needed discussion and debate over the nefarious Zionist conspiracy to take over the world. Muslims have been fighting to exterminate these vermin ever since Mohammed warned us about them fourteen hundred years ago. I'm glad I can use the platform awarded to me by my election to Congress to reach a wider audience."

"There are a hundred times as many Muslims as there are Jews," Omar pointed out. "If we believe in democracy shouldn't the wishes of the super-majority outweigh the wishes of the tiny minority? Shouldn't this cancer on humanity be excised as the Prophet advised?"

Fellow Muslim Rep. Rashida Tlaib (D-Mich) expressed her disappointment at "the harsh response to Rep. Omar's uncensored honesty. She may not have the kind of hard evidence to prove her point that unbelievers demand, but I admire her passion. What I don't admire is our fellow congressional members violating the immunity from criticism granted her by the Constitution. Unfortunately, there is no remedy under current law that would punish such disrespect. I pray for the day when Sharia is the law of the land and all unbelievers are required to show Muslims the respect that the Quran commands we be given."

Rep. Gerry Connolly (D-Va) reminded us all that "Ilhan is only a freshman representative. She hasn't had the proper opportunity to learn the weaselly words a more experienced member of congress would use to communicate prejudicial and defamatory sentiments."

Dem Presidential Hopeful Claims Ability to See Future

This week, Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif) tried to bolster her prospects for nabbing the Democratic nomination for president in the 2020 election by alleging she can see the future. "Back when I was in college in the 1980s I had a glimpse of the future where I saw the rise to fame of Snoop Dogg and Tupac," she claimed. "This was before anyone, including me, knew who these people were. Then came the 1990s and both shot to the top of the music world."

"Now I see two paths diverging depending on who is elected our next president," Harris said. "On one path, Trump is reelected and the airwaves are inundated with cornball country music as far as the ear can hear. On the other path, I am elected and rising new hip hop musicians named the Diddler and Dr. Freezee hit the scene. I urge voters to make a wise choice."

The Senator credited her marijuana smoking for her extraordinary power to see the future. "Unlike former president and sex offender Bill Clinton, I inhaled," she pointed out. "The combination of my unique DNA and the chemicals contained in pot, which you can only benefit from if you actually consume them, made me a trans-human mutant with superpowers."

Meanwhile, rival contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ) forecast a future in which he will outlaw meat consumption if he is elected: "This planet simply cannot sustain people eating meat. When I'm president I will issue an executive order abolishing the consumption of animal flesh anywhere in the world."