SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: March 31, 2019 Edition
Smollett Exonerated by State Attorney
Hoaxer Jussie Smollett announced his exoneration after Kim Foxx, State Attorney for Cook County, Illinois dismissed all charges against him. "The racist persecution of me by the Chicago Police Department has been debunked by higher authorities," Smollett bragged. "This proves I told the truth." He further went on to demand prosecution of "the Nigerian thugs who doused me with bleach and threatened to hang me."
The Illinois Prosecutors Bar Association questioned Foxx's "highly abnormal decision. Her phony recusal followed by a unilateral decree of exoneration without notice to the law enforcement entities who filed the charges violated the law. The claim that her action falls within the scope of a prosecutor's discretion is dubious. The norm for declining to prosecute a case with such overwhelming evidence of guilt includes a defendant's admission of responsibility. But as we have seen, Mr. Smollett continues to promulgate the same untruthful assertions that led to the hoax charges leveled against him."
Foxx rebutted the Bar Association's criticism by citing former FBI Director James Comey's exoneration of Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton in July of 2016. "After listing a number of valid reasons why Sec. Clinton ought to have faced charges, Director Comey dismissed them," Foxx pointed out. "Clinton was not required to admit guilt as a condition for Comey's grant of amnesty. If a member of this country's ruling class doesn't have to follow the law it would be unfair to hold Mr. Smollett to these standards. As a gay black man he is a member of two protected classes."
"I want to also express my appreciation to my good friend Tina Tchen for apprising me of the new precedent established by Director Comey's action," Foxx added. "There must be a level playing field if true justice is to be achieved. Mr. Smollett's heritage of suffering in our racist and homophobic society is sufficient punishment for his ill-conceived efforts to highlight the toxic influence of Donald Trump."
Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel seconded Foxx's rationale. "Initially, I was shocked that her action was taken without informing either the Chicago Police Department or my office," the Mayor said. "However, upon reflection I came to the understanding that if anyone is to blame it is President Trump. Trump's unrelenting efforts to entice blacks off of welfare and into the workforce have stoked the kind of feelings of despair that inspire people like Mr. Smollett to concoct a narrative to try to counter this culture shock. In the grand scheme of things Smollett's hoax was not out of step with the much bigger Russian collusion hoax that is still underway at the highest level of government, politics, and media. The small fish shouldn't be treated more harshly than those big fish."
In related news, Smollett has been nominated for an NAACP Image Award "for his creative reenactment of a vision of oppression that never happened to him, but might have in an alternate universe. This 'street drama' touched many hearts and minds and was so powerful that he was absolved of culpability for 16 felonies. Few other black individuals have accomplished so much at so little cost to themselves."
Mexico Demands Apology for Spanish Conquest
President Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador demanded that the nation of Spain and the Catholic Church apologize for their invasion and conquest of the Aztec Empire 500 years ago. "They brought alien ideas, diseases, and brute force from Europe and destroyed a vibrant indigenous culture."
The Spanish government refused to apologize. King Felipe VI, challenged the Mexican President's characterization of "these ancient events as one-sided 'massacres and oppression.' The Aztec Empire held power by massacring and oppressing subjugated indigenous people. These victims were tortured and coerced into becoming human sacrifices to their oppressors' bloodthirsty gods. While the invading Spaniards were no angels, the Aztecs were worse. That's why so many of the other peoples in Mexico sided with the invaders.
The Mexican President was outraged by Spain's response. "The assertion that white Christian values were superior to those of the indigenous rulers is the height of arrogance," Lopez contended. "As we are observing, the idea of human sacrifice is now being championed by the Democratic Party in the culturally advanced United States. That this concept was suppressed for 500 years must bear a significant share of the blame for the current worldwide climate change crisis."
Court Rules Against Health Care Choice
U.S. District Judge John Bates ruled against a Trump Administration policy that permits small businesses to join health care associations in order to gain some of the same economies of scale available to larger corporations.
"The premise of this policy that these businesses ought to be able to decide what kind of coverage they want to purchase violates the Obamacare requirement that all must purchase the coverage dictated by the federal government," Bates said. "Complaints that the mandated coverage is unnecessary and too expensive are irrelevant. It is not for private sector firms or individuals to decide what they want to buy. The Affordable Care Act (ACA) reserves this decision to the government."
New York Attorney General Letitia James, one of the litigants suing to have these associations outlawed, praised the court's ruling. "The Trump Administration's attempt to place individual freedom ahead of the collective responsibility to follow the rules laid down for them by the ACA is intolerable," she argued. "Letting individuals make decisions on their own health care invites the kind of anarchy we observe throughout the economy in decisions about what to eat, wear, how to spend time, where to live, and where to travel. If we are to avoid the devastation of such anarchy we must ensure that government determines these decisions."
Russian Hoax Conspirators Blame Others
Former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper unveiled a "just following orders" defense for anticipated charges of engaging in a high-level conspiracy to derail Trump's election and undermine his presidency.
"I and the others in the intelligence community who worked so hard to achieve these results were acting out of patriotism and loyalty to President Obama," Clapper claimed. "While everyone involved agreed that Donald Trump was unfit to be president none of us would have gone forward with these efforts without clearance from President Obama. He was our commander-in-chief."
"We are not traitors," Clapper insisted. "President Obama was kept fully informed throughout the whole process, both before the 2016 election and after. It was a sanctioned, not a rogue, operation."
Co-conspirator former CIA Director John Brennan took a different tack, alleging that "I was given bad information. It looks like the insiders I trusted repeatedly lied to me. I pooh-poohed Trump's suggestion that Putin was more trustworthy than US intelligence agents, but given the revelation that most of what they leaked to me was false I now realize he may have been correct."
Co-conspirator former FBI Director James Comey blamed Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller "for not carrying through the agreed upon plan. We engineered his appointment in the expectation that he could be counted on the finish the job. For a couple of years that looked to be going well, but at the last minute he lost his nerve and used a 'lack of evidence' excuse to sabotage the entire scheme. Thankfully, the media and the Democratic Party have not been scared off. I am optimistic that their continued efforts over the next 20 months will result in the ouster of Trump by the voters in November 2020."
Pelosi Calls Trump Threat to Close Border "Vote Suppression"
President Trump's threat to close the border with Mexico to stem the tide of illegal immigration was slammed by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) as "vote suppression, pure and simple." She cited a study "Immigration Status, Immigrant Family Ties, and Support for the Democratic Party," by researcher George Hawley in support of her contention.
"This study shows that immigrants overwhelmingly vote for Democrats," Pelosi pointed out. "Trump's efforts to block the arrival of new voters from Latin America is, therefore, discriminatory and unconstitutional."
Hawley's report projected that "unconstrained immigration—legal or illegal—will within a short period of time lead to a new Democratic political dominance across the nation. The type of one-Party domination that we see in cities like Chicago and New York and states like California and Massachusetts will become commonplace. The Republican Party will sink to 'super-minority' status with an inability to effectively oppose anything that the Democratic Party wishes to do."
Meanwhile, the border wall in Hungary has reduced illegal immigration into that country by 99%--suggesting that Pelosi's objections that Trump's wall would be ineffective are disingenuous.
Dem Leader Pleads for Understanding
Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) pleaded with the American Israel Public Affairs Committee to overlook anti-Semitic statements and the boycott of the organization's annual conference by leading contenders for his Party's presidential nomination and "stick with what has worked in the past."
"The progressive values that the Democratic Party has championed cannot be implemented in policy if we don't win elections," Schumer pointed out. "Winning elections requires compromises to keep our coalition intact. Since anti-Semitism is growing in popularity around the world—largely in response to the dynamic expansion of Islamic values and views—it is imperative that the growing cohort of Muslims in this country know that the Democratic Party respects their religious beliefs so we can be sure of their votes."
"Jews have been reliable Democrats for generations," Schumer observed. "Our Party couldn't have been as successful without them. Now that we are on the cusp of the social transformation to collectivism that President Obama promised, it would be tragic if thin-skinned objections to some of the raw language and rude behavior used by other members of our coalition were to diminish traditional the Jewish support for the Democratic Party."
In related news, former Sen. Jeff Flake (R-Az) urged Republican voters to vote Democrat in the 2020 election, saying "it is better to let the lunatic left win than reelect the loathsome Donald Trump. The Democrats will try to regiment society with regulations, impoverish the economy with higher taxes, and import tens of millions of reliable Democrat voters from south of the border, but Trump will continue to offend delicate sensibilities with his brash rhetoric and boorish behavior."