OPINION

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
04-20-2019 

John Semmens
SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: April 21, 2019 Edition  
 

Swalwell Defends Secret Surveillance of Trump

Now that the lengthy and expensive Mueller investigation has failed to find any evidence of collusion between the Trump campaign and the Russians, Rep. Eric Swalwell (D-Calif) still defends the original Obama Administration decision to initiate a covert surveillance of the Trump campaign.

"I know a lot of people think it was wrong for a sitting president to use federal government resources to spy on an opposing political party," Swalwell acknowledged. "But President Obama swore an oath to protect this country from all enemies—both foreign and domestic. Since Trump is an outsider who has not come up through the ranks of American politics the traditional vetting that assures a candidate fits within the parameters of acceptable ideology did not occur. Under such circumstances, mobilizing the considerable resources available to our intelligence community to spy on Trump was the only reasonable choice."

The Congressman brushed off concerns that using these resources against a political opponent during a campaign unfairly interferes in the electoral contest, saying "sure there are some risks, but these are unavoidable given the importance of ensuring that our system isn't unnecessarily disrupted. At worst, it could have tilted the election in favor of the Democratic candidate. However, that candidate was described as 'the most qualified person ever to seek the presidency' by President Obama. Under those circumstances, I think the actions taken to spy on Trump were well worth it."

In related news, the Swalwell 2020 campaign for the presidency unveiled a new interpretation of the 2nd Amendment that would incarcerate individuals who won't surrender their guns. "The Constitution says the right to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed, but it doesn't say we can't require that this right be exercised only within secure areas," Swalwell argued. "If you want to tote a gun do it behind bars. This way we can keep the streets safe while simultaneously giving the violence-prone among us the opportunity to confine their murderous proclivities to others of the same ilk."

Dems Ponder Next Steps in Effort to Oust Trump

The absence of a "smoking gun" in the just completed Mueller investigation has Democrats pondering their next move in their efforts to remove Trump from office. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Calif) has called a strategy meeting for early next week "to consider where we go from here."

"Many in our caucus are not deterred by the lack of evidence that Trump broke any laws," Pelosi said. "The lack of evidence suggests that Trump was successful in obstructing the investigation. Think about it. Polls show that the majority of Democrats think he is guilty. This is our constituency. Should we not represent their views as we go forward?"

"Then too, given all the pressure put on Trump by the media and the intelligence community, his refusal to confess strikes many as highly suspicious," the Speaker added. "A normal president would have yielded to tidal wave of negative opinion and stepped aside for the good of the country, like Nixon did. That Trump has not yet done this testifies to his abnormality. This, by itself, would seem sufficient grounds for removing him under the provisions of the 25th Amendment, as Deputy Attorney Rod Rosenstein contemplated in early 2017."

Rep. Rashida Tlaib (Mich) has already drafted a resolution calling for impeachment. "The hundreds of times that Trump has called the Mueller investigation a 'witch hunt' and his repeated assertions of innocence demonstrate his guilt," she claims. "Honest people admit their guilt when called upon to do so by the nation's police force. Only criminals deny responsibility for heinous acts against the state."

Nadler Rejects Opportunity to View Full Mueller Report

House Judiciary Chairman Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) rejected Attorney General William Barr's offer to view an unredacted copy of the Mueller report, complaining that "we need complete unfettered access in order to properly handle the content of this document."

"Barr's invitation to allow me and other key Democrats to read, but not carry away our own copy obstructs our efforts to secure justice for America on this matter," Nadler objected. "The idea that we should be content to read the document while under the scrutiny of armed guards is insulting. It's as if he's afraid we'll stuff pages into our pants if we're granted the privilege of privately viewing the report."

The possibility that Democrats might not be trustworthy when handling confidential information has been born out by the illegal selective leaking of classified information by former FBI Director James Comey over the last two years. There is also the incident where former Clinton adviser Sandy Berger actually did abscond with classified documents stuffed inside his clothes back in 2003 when he was allowed to read them unsupervised in a National Archives secure room.

Apprised of the Berger incident, Nadler reminded that "Berger was only fined $50,000 and sentenced to 100 hours of community service as punishment. If stealing classified documents were such a serious offense he wouldn't have been treated so leniently. More recently, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was excused by Obama FBI Director James Comey for mishandling classified data and destroying subpoenaed evidence. All we are seeking is a comparable degree of latitude—the kind that persons in our high positions within the government are entitled to receive."

Cultural Evolution Around America

In Chicago, a mob of hundreds of Black inhabitants rampaged through the City's Magnificent Mile high-end shopping district looting stores, vandalizing buildings, assaulting white people, defying police, stopping traffic, threatening tourists, and creating chaos. A participant explained "we're just taking a first down payment on the reparations owed us. White men enslaved, whipped, and murdered black men. What we're doing here is peanuts in comparison." Former head of the local teachers' union, Karen Lewis echoed these remarks, saying "blacks are taking back what the whites stole from them."

In California, the Brea Olinda Unified School District is now teaching 9th grade students about pedophilia and pederasty. Assistant Superintendent of Curricula Kerrie Torres insists that "it is important that our students be exposed to all the sexual orientation options. They should know that there is more to sex than just boy-meets-girl. There is also man-meets-child. This way students can each make an informed choice on how they wish to express their own sexuality."

In North Carolina, Gov. Roy Cooper (D) vetoed a "born alive" bill that would have required doctors to provide life-saving aid to babies who survive an attempted abortion. As Cooper sees it, "an abortion is only undertaken for the purpose of ensuring the baby's death. A botched procedure doesn't alter the fact that the mother wants her child to die. If a man sentenced to hang survives because the rope breaks we don't set him free. We hang him again. Likewise, if through some fluke a baby survives being torn limb-from-limb in the womb this shouldn't impede the job being finished outside the womb. This bill unconstitutionally infringes upon a woman's unalienable right to permanently dispose of her unwanted offspring."

Stalin Rises in Polls

A recent poll showing that 70% of Russians approve of former dictator Josef Stalin's role in history was warmly greeted by Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) as "proof that socialism is the type of government that the people want. If he were the kind of brutal tyrant that the enemies of socialism claim he was why do the people love him so much?"

"A majority of Russians now believe that the millions of people he had tortured and killed was justified," the Congresswoman also pointed out. "He was trying to save his nation from individualistic greed and transform it into a collectivist society where the good of the whole was placed above all other values. That is precisely what I'm trying to do with my Green New Deal. That 'life, liberty and pursuit of happiness' crap may have been suitable for the white-privilege dandies who wrote the Constitution, but it is not the vision the young people of today want for their future."

"If we thoughtfully reexamine Stalin's policies we can see the positive impacts they had on global warming," Ocasio-Cortez contended. "The famine he skillfully engineered in the Ukraine decreased the greenhouse gas emissions from millions of people and livestock. The spartan living conditions that naturally flowed from his abolition of capitalistic exploitation helped Russians to learn to get by with less—less food, less housing, and less freedom. These are the kind of changes the whole world must strive for if we want to save the planet."

Fellow socialist Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt) took the occasion of the release of the polling results to remind everyone that "I spent my honeymoon in the Soviet Union before its lurch toward capitalism after the collapse of the dictatorship. I was socialist before it was cool. Now that it is becoming cool among our millenials I hope my early adoption of collectivist ideals will inspire them to vote for me to be America's next president."

New Orleans Mayor LaToya Cantrell (D) professed herself "unsurprised by these poll results. I recently toured Cuba and saw for myself how the formerly hedonistic island was reshaped into a hard-core socialist paradise. Before the revolution Cuba was a typical capitalistic playground for the rich. Now it is a boot camp for the socialist minions of tomorrow. The government health care system and the widespread reliance on manual labor has made the population remarkably fit—enabling thousands of Cubans to paddle all the way to Florida on make-shift rafts and flimsy boats. This is something that fat and lazy Americans could never replicate. I became convinced that we need socialism in America now more than ever. Though there may be a lot of grousing along the way, the rise of Stalin's polling numbers shows that in the long run voters will be happier if they trade their freedom for the stimulating rigors and comradship of a collectivist society."

Democratic presidential candidate Mayor Pete Buttigieg of South Bend Indiana took the rising opinion on Stalin as a cue "to take a careful look at the work camps he established as a possible model for national public service for all young adults. I believe it would instill a great sense of unity among Americans in a fashion similar to the unity Stalin achieved among his people as he fought to survive the capitalist aggressors surrounding his country. If every young person had to toil for a period of time without pay for the good of the nation we would build a stronger sense of belonging to the community than our current policy of leaving them to chart their own destinies in our cruel and insensitive free market."