SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: April 28, 2019 Edition
Brennan Defends Conspiracy Against Trump
Former CIA Director John Brennan rebutted President Trump's characterization of the actions of a deep-state cabal to try to prevent his election and undermine his presidency as "an attempted coup."
"Trump has it exactly backwards," Brennan argued. "It was Trump's exploitation of a flaw in the Constitution that allowed him to sneak into the White House despite losing the popular vote to Sec. Clinton that was the real coup. Those of us working to prevent the real coup are the real heroes in this story."
"The ascension of a former secretary of state to the office of president has historical precedent," Brennan observed. "The attempt to install an unproven private businessman into this important office is the outlier. When President Obama called on the intelligence community to save the nation from this threat all of us—myself, James Clapper, James Comey and a crew of dedicated patriots rose to the occasion. My only regret is that we have not yet been successful in achieving our objective."
The former CIA Chief remains optimistic that "we can still work with Congress to oust this unqualified interloper. There is nothing to stop the Democratically controlled House from voting to impeach. And the FBI has tons of compromising material on so many members of the Senate that could still be used to persuade enough Republicans to vote to convict and remove Trump from office."
Sens. Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) and Homeland Security Committee chair Ron Johnson (R-Wisc) were undaunted by Brennan's thinly veiled threat and called for an investigation of "the trail of evidence indicating widespread and improper surveillance activities of candidate and President Trump by the FBI and others within the intelligence community."
In related news, seeking to distance himself from Brennan's "crew of patriots," U.S. Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein criticized Obama's "misuse of intelligence assets for political purposes" and blasted former FBI Director Comey for "illegally leaking classified documents to the media." He also predicted that "the wire I wore while pretending to be a co-conspirator collected information that will prove very useful in future prosecution of these criminals."
Biden Jumps into Race for Dem Nomination
This week, former Vice-President Joe Biden announced "I am making myself available for voters to elect me the next president of the United States." Anxious to appeal to his Party's lunatic caucus, Biden unleashed an epic gaffe fest.
First among many bloopers, Biden asserted that "Trump is the worst thing to happen to the world in my lifetime." Well, World War II was in full swing in 1942 when Biden was born. Fifty million people died in that war. This was followed by several other wars in Korea, Vietnam, Afghanistan, Iraq in which hundreds of thousands were killed. Biden's lifespan has also encompassed the nuclear standoff of the Cuban missile crisis, the assassination of the Kennedys, and the 9/11 terrorist attacks on New York City and Washington, DC. Surely, at least one of these events has to be worse than the rising incomes and record low unemployment inflicted on Americans by Trump's economic policies.
Biden lurched from his "worst thing" claim to a recasting of Hillary Clinton's dismissal of Trump voters as "deplorables" to his own characterization of them as "the dregs of society. These are people who are so selfish that they object to paying higher taxes to cover the living expenses of the flood of newcomers crossing into this country yearning to eat free. We need these people to help elect Democrats who will continue the transformation of America promised by President Obama."
The ex-Veep went on to praise Antifa for "having the courage to fight for progressive ideals in our country. What the Republicans contend is unwarranted violence against innocent individuals is, in reality, focused force meant to instill a redistribution of wealth from those who have earned it to those who need it. Hopefully, the beatings, arson, and vandalism that have been necessitated by some people's continued resistance to social change will abate when their acquiescence becomes the norm."
The person most disappointed by Biden entering the competition for the 2020 presidential election is Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ). "I was hoping that he would designate me this generation's 'clean, articulate, and good looking guy,'" Booker lamented. "Maybe it's my own fault. I've already committed to a female running mate. So I can't pay Joe back like Obama did. But a possible win-win scenario might be for Joe to identify as female. Having a transgender running mate would be even better for me and it might neutralize the groping, nuzzling, and sniffing concerns about Joe since it would just be girl-on-girl action."
In related news, Sen. Mitt Romney reacted to President Trump's complaint that "if you'd hit Obama as hard as you hit me, you might have been president" by pointing out that "Obama was a clean, articulate and good looking guy. You're not."
Hillary Advises Dems on Impeachment
Defeated presidential candidate Hillary Clinton urged Democrats to press ahead with impeachment hearings, reminding them that "unlike court proceedings, impeachment hearings aren't restricted by judicial rules of evidence. There doesn't have to be an actual crime to impeach Trump. Congress, itself, is the sole judge of whether to go forward and how to conduct the removal process."
"In this process, members of Congress are constitutionally immune from any repercussions for any slander they may utter while in session," Clinton continued. "They can level any accusations they want, the more lurid, the better. Congress can deny any cross examination of its witnesses by the Republicans. There is no judge to block statements as irrelevant, incompetent, and immaterial."
"Afterwards, the media will hype the accusations emphasizing the seriousness of the charges to a gullible TV audience," Clinton added. "The incessant drumbeat of this message day-after-day leading up to the November 2020 elections will drown out any other issue that the GOP might try to use to persuade voters to reelect Trump. Or better still, the negative energy pouring forth from the unending attacks may prompt Trump to resign like Nixon did under a similar barrage in 1974."
Prison Inmates Have Right to Vote
Contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt) vehemently insisted that "our democracy entitles every person to cast a vote. Just because a person is in jail convicted of murder or rape shouldn't block him from having a voice in selecting who shall govern."
"We need to be both open-minded and true to the democratic ideal no matter how disappointed we might be in the behavior of some of our fellow citizens," Sanders maintained. "I realize that opposition to murder and rape is the majority opinion in the United States, but the minority still has a right to fight for a different perspective. Also, it is apparent to me that in some parts of the world the murder and rape of segments of the population who are deemed outside of acceptable norms has broad support among the majority of the population in some countries."
"So, in my opinion, if we're going to have democracy it must be open to all ideas," the Senator opined. "If we start imposing behavioral restrictions that decree certain kinds of actions are so terrible that the individual who has carried out these actions cannot participate as a voter, then we are no longer a democracy."
NYC Takes Steps to Undo Civilization
Fearful that today's modern lifestyle places too much burden on the Earth's environment, Mayor Bill deBlasio is spearheading what he terms an aggressive "advance to the past" policy. The approach is two-pronged. Key areas for reform are to include housing and diet.
On the housing front, the Mayor pledges to ban high-rise buildings. "Skyscrapers are inefficient and contribute to global warming," he asserted. "If we look at the cost per square foot they are much more expensive than single-story buildings. So, clearly we need to go back to living closer to the ground."
"As an initial step, we will be rezoning the bulk of the City to encourage more Earth-friendly forms of construction," deBlasio said. "Instead of steel and concrete we will be favoring 'daub and wattle' or adobe brick construction. These more natural building materials don't require blast furnaces to produce. Ordinary people can harvest the mud from the waterways surrounding much of the City and carry out the actual construction themselves."
On the diet front, the Mayor aims to eliminate the hot dog from New Yorkers' menus. "We all know that processed meats are unhealthy," deBlasio pointed out. "Why should we allow people to eat them if we have the power to prevent it? A healthier and more environmentally beneficial alternative would be for the daub and wattle dwellers to catch and eat the millions of rats that infest our town. They'd be simultaneously exterminating a pest and enjoying the advantages of consuming an organically raised source of protein."
"To help popularize this intended dietary change, the annual Nathan's hot dog-eating contest could be replaced by a rat-eating contest," the Mayor suggested. "In many parts of the world rodents are a part of the normal food intake. I'm sure there are many tasty ways of preparing this food."
Critics have argued that rats consume a lot of insects and garbage. DeBlasio was undeterred by this possibility. "People could eat the insects and a lot of the so-called garbage could be recycled for human consumption, just like in Venezuela" he imagined. "We can't allow squeamishness to divert us from undertaking actions needed to save the planet from global warming."
NJ Guv Pushes to Disarm Law-Abiding
New Jersey Gov. Philip Murphy (D) is pushing a plan to raise the cost of legally owning a firearm in his state. Under his proposed legislation, the fee for obtaining a concealed carry permit would be boosted from its current $20 to $400. Murphy claims this will make the state a safer place.
"The idea that a citizen should be armed as a form of self-defense is seriously flawed," Murphy said. "In the typical confrontation with an armed criminal he already has his weapon pointed at you. Any attempt to resist his demands is not likely to go well for you. You are better off being unarmed. You will avoid a shootout and he may let you live."
"Even if you have a reasonable chance to draw your weapon, the criminal is likely more experienced than you are when it comes to shooting people," the Governor went on. "I mean, honestly ask yourself whether you have enough confidence to go up against a more skilled gunman. On top of this there is the possibility that bystanders could be hit. Would you want to initiate a hostile response that could endanger others? Even if you're careful about not injuring bystanders, do you think your assailant shares the same level of concern?"
"Ideally, all personal gun ownership should be outlawed," Murphy envisioned. "Then only outlaws would have guns and the police could simply shoot them on sight. That would be the best of all possible worlds."
In related news, presidential contender Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif) vows to implement gun confiscation by Executive Order if Congress fails to enact legislation toward this end within 100 days of her inauguration.
Dem Offers Alternative to Abortion
Illinois state Rep. Dianne Pappas (D-Itasca) offered what she says would be "the ultimate solution for ending abortions—castrating all men. All these pro-lifers who fret over the termination of unwanted children through abortion or euthanasia after birth could easily avert this so-called horror if they would agree with my 'plan B.'"
"Do they have the balls to step up to the plate and take the step necessary to eliminate all future need for the abortion procedure?" Pappas wanted to know. "I suppose there'd be prattle about how we would propagate the human race if all men were castrated. But is propagating the human race really necessary?"
"You know, many ethnobiologists argue that the planet would be better off if humans went extinct," Pappas pointed out. "If, for the sake of argument, we assume that the human race should not go extinct, I believe science has the means to reproduce humans without resorting to the primitive and risky method of sexual intercourse. Even in a worst case scenario, if we have to have men involved in the process, their sperm could be harvested before castration and stored for future use if needed."