OPINION

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
06-21-2019 

John Semmens
SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: June 23, 2019 Edition  
 

Dem Senators Want to Restore Pre-Trump Economy

Determined to undo what they called "the wrenching changes inflicted on America by Trump's tax cuts," Sens. Ron Wyden (D-OR) and Chris Van Hollen (D-MD) are proposing a "Long-Term Unemployment Act." Their bill would create a federal program to reduce the number of private sector jobs and provide new government jobs for those who become unemployed. A problem caused by Trump's policies is that there are currently more jobs than people to fill them.

"The present surplus of jobs is precisely the worst of the wrenching changes we aim to rectify," Wyden said. "Generations of Americans have gotten used to the periodic respites that a few months of compensated unemployment has provided for them. But under Trump's policies there are too many open jobs and very little opportunity to enjoy any paid downtime."

"Our bill would rescind the tax cuts and ratchet down the prosperity to levels that prevailed during the Obama Administration," Van Hollen chimed in. "The restored higher taxes would then be available to fund the type of government make-works jobs that the Democratic Party has fostered since the days of FDR. It will also help clarify the choice voters will face in the 2020 elections—do they want to be forced to take real jobs that require real work under Trump or do they prefer to return to the good old days of a moderated economy punctuated by occasional rest periods that both Democratic and Republican leaders have presided over since the early 1990s."

Contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) called the bill "a very small down payment toward my 'economic bill of rights.' Ultimately, we need to sever the provision of an income from the work requirement. Justice mandates that society fulfill every person's material needs and that those who are willing and able to work undertake the effort necessary to meet those needs. This is the true path to the utopia that the great Karl Marx envisioned for mankind."

Not wanting to be passed on his left, rival 2020 Democratic contender, former VP Joe Biden told the Poor People's Forum in Washington that "the first thing I would do as president is eliminate the president's tax cut." Biden was unmoved by projections that repeal of the tax cuts would cost the average family $2,000 in higher taxes. "Bribing people with tax cuts appeals to selfish motives," Biden contended. "We need to revive the selfless sense of everyone's obligation to promote the collective welfare that prevailed when Obama and I ran things."

Idiots Slander US

This week the profoundly ignorant Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) asserted that persons illegally entering the United States "are being held in concentration camps." Among the atrocities inflicted are "widespread boredom and inappropriate menus. Few know that there is a serious shortage of TVs and that meals are prepared without considering the ethnicity of the recipients."

When critics objected to her characterization, she alleged that "most people don't know that the government put Japanese people in concentration camps during WWII." This slander was joined by nattering nincompoop George Takei. The aging Star Trek actor and gay-rights agitator alleged that "I know what concentration camps are. I was inside two of them, in America. And yes, we are operating such camps again."

A few months after Japan's unprovoked attack on Pearl Harbor, the US government rounded-up Americans of Japanese descent living on the west coast and held them in internment camps until after a 1944 US Supreme Court decision ruled that while their removal from the west coast was a lawful use of the president's war powers, their detention was unwarranted. The US eventually paid financial damages amounting to $1.2 billion to former detainees in 1988.

While conditions in these internment camps were spartan they were nothing akin to the concentration camps operated by Nazi Germany. Internees were neither worked to death nor murdered in gas chambers. The policy was to keep families together and treat them humanely. These stark differences failed to blunt Ocasio-Cortez's slander. Instead, she added her assertion that "only Nazis oppose open borders" and joined other Democrats in Congress to oppose funding that would improve the living conditions in the illegal immigrant detention centers.

Meanwhile, the horror of incarceration at the hands of Germans was once again demonstrated by the revelation that Ali Bashar, the convicted rapist and murderer of a 14-year-old girl, is being held in a facility with access to only 23 TV channels. United Nations Human Rights Council (UNHRC) President Coly Seck has promised "to investigate this potential abuse of prisoners' human rights."

Reparations Scam Rapped

Democrats aiming to buy Black votes by promising to force non-blacks to pay them damages for the injustices of slavery were stunned by the opposition of two Blacks testifying at a subcommittee of the House Judiciary Committee.

Columnist Coleman Hughes opposed reparations, saying that they "would insult black Americans, further divide the country, and insult descendants of slaves victims without their consent." His testimony was roundly booed by Democrats attending the hearing, prompting Chairman Rep. Steve Cohen (D-Tenn) to put down his piece of fried chicken long enough to ask the audience to "chill. Granted, this is unorthodox testimony coming from a Black man, but he still has the right to speak."

Former NFL football player Burgess Owens also spoke against reparations because "it points to a certain race, a certain color and it points to them as evil. It also turns black people into beggars." Even more shocking was his admission that "I used to be a Democrat until I read some history and found out the misery that that party brought to my race. Democrats are the party that was part of slavery, KKK, Jim Crow, and that has killed over 40% of our black babies—20 million of them." He concluded by saying "color doesn't matter. We have become successful in this country like no other because of this great opportunity to live the American dream."

Presidential contender and supporter of reparations Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) suggested that "Mr. Owens may be suffering from the brain damage afflicting so many who have played football. But, in any case, his judgment is colored by his success as a self-made man. It's easy for a person of talent to make it on his own, but what of the rest of us who needed a boosted? Is he saying that the special advantages I got as an alleged member of an oppressed ethnic minority were wrong? If I have learned anything from life it is that relying on freedom to let every person pursue his or her own happiness does not guarantee satisfactory results. We need government to put a thumb on the scales when and where warranted to provide the guarantee that freedom can't ensure."

Not willing to wait for Congress to take action on reparations, in New York City, Temar Bishop beat and raped a 20-year-old white woman because "she was a white girl. She deserved it because us minorities have been through slavery. This is what they used to do to us."

Group Sues Over Dossier

The Coolidge Reagan Foundation, which had previously lodged a complaint with the Federal Election Commission contending that the dossier of dirt thrown at Trump was compiled by a foreigner at the behest of the Clinton campaign, and, therefore, a violation of regulations prohibiting accepting anything of value from a foreign source, has now filed a lawsuit.

Federal Election Commission Chairman Ellen Weintraub called the lawsuit "merit-less. They might have had a case if Clinton had won, but now the issue is moot. I mean, what damage has the plaintiff suffered? Regardless of whether Secretary Clinton committed a crime or not, what remedy would make them whole? If a cheater doesn't win by cheating has the winner actually been cheated?"

"I think one could argue that the Coolidge Reagan Foundation has already achieved substantial benefit from the failure of the dossier scheme," Weintraub argued. "If Clinton had won she could have wrought considerable damage on this organization via her control over the FBI and IRS. Investigations could've been launched that would have intimidated donors and imposed large legal fees on that organization. It is almost certain that lawyers for Secretary Clinton would point this out in their successful defense before my Agency."

Beto Promises to Let Boys Compete in Girls' Sports

In a bid to corner the transgender vote, 2020 presidential contender former Rep. Beto O'Rourke (D-Tex) vowed to "break down the doors of girls' locker rooms across the nation and let boys who identify as girls participate in girls' sports."

"I am aware that many parents are uncomfortable with this next step in the evolution of sexual freedom, but we can't allow prejudice to tie our hands," the candidate said. "Many boys feel uncomfortable trying to compete with other boys. I know because I was one of them. If I had had the same options as the boys of today are beginning to seize there's no doubt in my mind that I could've won championships and maybe even an athletic scholarship in field hockey—a sport that was strictly limited to cis-gendered girls when I was in high school. Voters can count on me to lead the nation into a more sexually inclusive future."

In related news, the Beto campaign announced that he will be staying at homeless camps as he campaigns "in order to build a better bond with those most in need of my leadership and to demonstrate my willingness to sacrifice my own comfort when I lack the funding for accommodations more suitable to my status in society."

Mayor Pete Wants Federal ID Cards for illegals

Democratic presidential contender South Bend, Indiana Mayor Peter Buttigieg has called for the federal government to issue special identification cards to illegal immigrants.

"It's time that we recognize the tremendous initiative it takes to enter the country in defiance of our laws," the Mayor maintained. "They have journeyed far, often at great risk and cost to get to our promise land only to face ICE harassment as they attempt to cross the finish line."

"If I'm elected president I will issue an executive order granting a federal ID card to every one of these brave travelers," Buttigieg promised. "These cards will entitle the bearers to obtain whatever goods and services they need from any commercial establishment open for business within our borders. Instead of having to hide from immigration enforcers and earn a living by taking demeaning jobs they will be vaulted directly into the middle class and enjoy the lifestyles they envisioned when they set out on their arduous treks to come to America. The instant access to consumer goods will hasten their integration as full-fledged members of our society."