SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: June 30, 2019 Edition
Dems Promise Free Health Care for All
As candidate after candidate insisted that health care is a human right, the entire field of 2020 Democratic presidential contenders found themselves unable to exclude any human being from the enjoyment of this universal right. In a show of hands at a debate every candidate agreed that illegal immigrants would be included in their health plans should he or she succeed in getting elected in November 2020.
Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) explained that "human rights aren't only for American citizens. They are for everyone. Withholding these benefits from anyone would be immoral. To use a man-made demarcation line like a country's border to deny this right to those born on the other side is just plain selfish. We're the richest nation in the world. It's about time we started sharing our good fortune with those poorer than ourselves."
Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vermont) contended that "I am the only one who has been honest about how to pay for this universal benefit. Even middle-class Americans are fabulously wealthy compared to immigrants streaming across our southern border. We can afford to be generous. Granted, taxes will have to be increased for our middle-class, but they will have the satisfaction of knowing they are contributing to the collective welfare of humankind."
Google Warns Democrats
Jen Gennai, head of Google's "Responsible Innovation" team, advised Democrats "to make sure all the anti-corporate rhetoric stays rhetoric. They need to keep in mind that we are with them 100% in their goal to oust Trump and will do everything in our power to assure that this effort succeeds."
"Elizabeth Warren is saying we should break up Google," Gennai complained. "And like, I love her but she's very misguided, like that will not make it better it will make it worse, because all these smaller companies who don't have the same resources that we do will be charged with preventing the next Trump situation, it's like a small company cannot do that. Our virtual monopoly over Internet search results can pretty much guarantee that only approved messages dominate and unacceptable ideas are blocked."
In a separate encounter, in a response to Sen. Ted Cruz's (R-Tex) questions, Google UX director Maggie Stanphill denied the company is politically biased. "We only edit out or ban content that violates our standards," Stanphill explained. "Everything that meets our standards is fully accessible to every Internet user. The only ones complaining are the extremists who fall outside the bounds of our mainstream values."
As proof of their lack of bias Google has taken down all the Veritas videos of Google employees admitting the firm uses biased algorithms to censor political conservatives.
Democrats Stand Firm on Abortion & Infanticide
While the bloated field of contenders for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination are unanimous in the belief that no restrictions on abortion can be tolerated, the House of Representatives was rejecting allowing a vote on the Born Alive Abortion Survivors Protection Act for the 66th time. This bill would require that doctors render aid to infants who unexpectedly survive an attempted abortion. Democratic presidential candidates Sens. Bernie Sanders (Vt), Kamala Harris (Calif), Cory Booker (NJ), Elizabeth Warren (Mass), Kirsten Gillibrand (NY), and Amy Klobuchar (Minn) all voted against a Senate version of this bill.
Gillibrand called the Born Alive bill "backward and racist. We should be moving toward an unconstrained freedom for every woman to abort an unwanted child at any time and for any reason like the State Legislature of New York did earlier this year. African-Americans account for around 13% of the population and nearly 40% of the abortions. Restrictions like the Born Alive bill or the Heartbeat bills passed in Georgia and Missouri disproportionately penalize minorities."
A diametrically opposite opinion was recently expressed by former NFL football player Burgess Owens who contends that "Democrat support for abortion has enabled the murder of millions of Black babies." President Trump also characterized voting against the Born Alive bill as "supporting the execution of the most vulnerable humans among us" and said that the racially disparate impact of abortion "has taken more Black lives than lynching ever did."
Meanwhile, in a bizarre twist, 2020 Democratic presidential candidate former Secretary of Housing Julian Castro pledged to support "the right of transsexuals to have abortions. Just because it isn't currently possible for individuals without a uterus to bear a child shouldn't mean that we neglect to recognize their right to have an abortion as a matter of principle. If a person identifies as a woman that person must, as a matter of law, be entitled to all the rights extended to cis-gendered women and that includes the right to have an abortion and to have taxpayers pay for that abortion if the trans individual can't afford to pay."
Judge Blocks Wall Construction
U.S. District Judge Haywood Gilliam issued an order permanently blocking President Trump's plan to use unspent military funds for the construction of a wall on the United States' southern border.
Gilliam accepted the argument of the Sierra Club's lawyers that "the wall will do irreparable harm by impeding the natural migration routes used by herds of Latinos making their way from their breeding grounds in the south to their feeding grounds in the north" and labeled the Trump Administration's claim that the spending was justified by the border crisis "controversial and unproven."
"The plaintiffs' argument that the United States is a nation of immigrants is a persuasive rebuttal to the defendant's contention that unconstrained immigration poses a threat," the Judge wrote in his ruling. "All of the more than 20 Democrats currently running for president argue in favor of the unrestricted flow of immigrants into this country. The 20 to one ratio in favor of open borders represents a super majority. Given that we live in a democracy this super majority must carry the day."
Gilliam also cited "the possibility that the wall will slow air flow and worsen global climate must also be taken into consideration. It is bad enough that we have less than 12 years to avert climate catastrophe. We must not go forward with construction that may hasten this outcome by one minute."
NBA to Abolish "Owner" Terminology
NBA commissioner Adam Silver said the basketball league will stop using the term "owner" to describe the owners of the teams. "We are sensitive to the feelings of the Black millionaires who make up the overwhelming majority of our players," the Commissioner said. "Given the racist history of America it is deplorable that we have been using this term."
Silver acknowledged that "we haven't yet settled on a specific replacement terminology. Some have suggested 'overseers' while others favor 'bloated plutocrats.' I think we'll be doing some market research with polls and focus groups to try to find the right language to describe the delicate dance between those who pay the salaries and those who receive them without bruising too many egos."
Supreme Court Rejects Census Question
This week the US Supreme Court rendered its decision on whether the US Census takers will be allowed to ask respondents whether they are citizens.
Writing for the 5-4 majority, Chief Justice John Roberts explained the Court's reasoning: "we aren't saying that the question is illegal or unconstitutional. We we are saying is that we don't like the question. As this nation's final arbiters of everything that's right and good, Steven, Ruth, Elena, Sonya and I can't see any reason why such a question should be asked."
In a dissenting opinion, Justice Clarence Thomas lambasted the majority's ruling calling it "completely detached from any genuine judicial authority under the Constitution or statutory law. The implementation of the census is the responsibility of the Executive branch. Whether a respondent is a citizen is certainly as relevant to the constitutional purpose of the census as a question asking the respondent's sex or race. There is no legitimate basis for allowing these other questions while baring the citizenship question. In any case, the authority to decide what questions will be asked is the domain of the Executive branch. The majority's ruling wrongly crosses the constitution's separation of powers boundary between the Executive and Judicial branches of our government."
Pelosi Rails Against Enforcing Immigration Laws
Claiming that "the American people are fed up with President Trump's obsession with enforcing the laws against illegal immigration," House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) suggested that "it's time that we let an impartial party determine who is allowed into our country."
"The more I think about our immigration laws the more I wonder what is the purpose?" she said. "What is the point? The laws on the books discriminate against every person in the world except American citizens. This is fundamentally unjust. Who are we to decide where anyone chooses to live? The argument that we can't afford to take care of everyone in the world puts financial considerations ahead of social justice. Our drive to abolish the cost of living from blocking anyone's access to the good life must not be confined to an arbitrarily narrow segment of those born in this country."
Pelosi's attempt to enact a bill that "would broaden the base of beneficiaries to America's natural bounties by handing over border enforcement to the United Nations" passed the House, but was rebuffed by the Senate. Instead, the Senate passed a bi-partisan bill that would provide for humanitarian aid and logistical support for illegal immigrants detained near the southern border, but not interfere with the enforcement of existing laws. A disappointed Pelosi allowed moderate Democrats to join Republicans in passing this measure.
Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) led a cadre of radicals in opposition to this compromise legislation calling it "a cowardly sellout. We shouldn't be making these concentration camps more comfortable. We should be setting the inmates free and giving them what they came to America for—free housing, free food, free medical care, free education and every other benefit that we can think of. That is the true progressive stance that every Democrat should be taking."
In related news, Democratic presidential candidates Sen. Elizabeth Warren and former San Antonio Mayor Julian Castro called for the decriminalization of illegally crossing the border. Castro explicitly called for the repeal of Section 1325, the portion of immigration law that makes illegal entry a federal misdemeanor. While she didn't sign on for repeal, Warren denounced "the negative impression that fences and guards are making on these newcomers. I know it may be old fashioned of me, but I think a much better approach would be to greet the weary travelers with bottles of water, gift baskets, and bus tickets. When I was a little girl I remember my mom making cookies for people moving into our neighborhood to help them feel more welcome. When I am president I will issue an executive order making this America's new policy on immigration."
Border Drowning Blamed on Trump
Photos of a father and daughter's bodies on the bank of the Rio Grande River sparked outrage at President Trump. Former Vice President Joe Biden called the photo "gut-wrenching" and another manifestation of "the unconscionable cruelty we're seeing at our border."
"We didn't see this kind of tragedy when Barack and I ran things," Biden recalled. "As Barack would've said if he were still alive 'this is not who we are.' One of my responsibilities as vice-president was to be ready 24/7 to strip down and swim to the rescue. You know, I'm really a good swimmer. The Secret Service can attest to that. What voters need to consider is whether they want a president who is a proven swimmer or a guy like Trump who can only ogle women wearing swimsuits."
Rival for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination, former Rep. Beto O'Rourke, seconded Biden's take, saying that "Trump is responsible for these deaths. He's visited the border on several occasions, but not once did he ever jump into the river to save a struggling swimmer." Beto admitted "I can't say I'm as strong a swimmer as Vice-President Biden, but I can speak Spanish and would be more than willing to shout encouragement to swimmers in a language they could understand. All I ask is that voters keep in mind the fact that neither Trump nor Biden can speak Spanish."