SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: August 4, 2019 Edition
NY Bans Arming Teachers
Despite a study by the Crime Prevention Research Center showing that nearly 90% of the mass shootings in America occur in "gun-free zones," the New York legislature has just enacted a law that bans schools from allowing teachers licensed to carry firearms to bring their weapons onto school grounds.
Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) characterized the new law as a "nonproliferation measure. The answer to gun violence never will be more guns. The notion that a so-called 'good guy with a gun' is an appropriate response to deter a so-called 'bad guy with a gun' is absurd. Teachers aren't qualified to assess the motives of shooters who target students. Arming them would turn schools into free-fire zones and potentially result in increased casualties. It is better for students, teachers, and staff to hunker down and wait for police to arrive."
Waiting for police to arrive was a key factor in the high casualty figures in the mass shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Florida last year. Nevertheless, sponsor of the New York legislation State Senator Todd Kaminsky (D-Long Island) averred that "it is better to endure a massacre that to have teachers dirty their hands by shedding the blood of a deranged assailant. After all, two wrongs don't make a right. Innocent victims die with a clear conscience. Combatants violate the 'thou shall not kill' commandment."
Harris Blames Russia
Contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) blamed Russia for the criticism leveled against her by rival contender Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (Hawaii) at the debate on Wednesday. Gabbard charged that as California Attorney General Harris cruelly prosecuted and incarcerated more than 1500 persons for mere possession of marijuana, even though Harris herself boasted of smoking weed during her college years. Gabbard also accused Harris of withholding exculpatory evidence in a case that put a man on death row.
While the facts support Gabbard's charges, Harris complained that "Gabbard isn't smart enough to have discovered these things on her own. She must have had help from the Russians. Haven't the Russians already done sufficient damage to our democracy by helping Trump win in 2016? Are we going to stand by and allow them to advance the candidacy of a person with zero to one percent support in the polls by attacking the most qualified candidate running for president?"
Man Makes $1,000/Weekend Panhandling
In an effort to boost his flagging hopes, presidential candidate former Rep. Beto O'Rourke (D-Tex) glommed onto the case of an Abilene man as an example of "a more humane economic policy than the work-work-work model that President Trump has been imposing on our country."
In Abilene, an individual posing as a wheelchair-bound homeless man has been raking in an average of $1,000 per week begging for money at the intersection of Hwy 83/84 and FM 707 every Saturday and Sunday. The man is neither disabled nor homeless. He characterizes his activity as "street theater. I play a part and my audience rewards me for my performance."
O'Rourke praised "the creative ingenuity that can serve as an example of how individuals can pull themselves up by their own bootstraps and enjoy a better life. It's not entirely unlike my own story where I've played the part of a trans-Latino and been rewarded by voters electing me to Congress for my performance. We have millions of street corners in America where others can emulate this man. It's less confining than a regular job. A person is his own boss. He can set his own hours. He can enjoy more leisure time."
The former Congressman vowed "to establish a program to train others on how to exploit this virtually untapped opportunity if I'm fortunate enough to be elected president in 2020."
Candidate Advocates Christian Government
Democratic presidential candidate South Bend, Indiana Mayor Pete Buttigieg lambasted Christians for supporting President Trump.
"Trump makes a big show of supporting religious freedom, but ignores Christian obligations," the Mayor said. "It was Jesus who pointed out that money was the domain of Caesar and that it was our obligation to render it unto Caesar. Well, in this day and age 'Caesar' is the government. It is our obligation to hand over our money to the government so it can do the charitable work that Jesus asked us to do. But what has Trump done? He's pushed a tax cut through Congress that reduces the amount of money that the government takes out of our income."
"Worse, Trump has initiated policies that encourage people to take jobs they'd rather not take," Buttigieg complained. "The number of people receiving unemployment benefits has declined under his administration. So has the number of people on food stamps. If we want to be true to our Christian values we should support pooling all of the country's wealth so the government can assure a fair distribution to all of God's children."
"Squad" Members Endorse Violence
In an interview on Ebro in the Morning, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) asserted that "marginalized people have no choice but to riot. Republicans say that people should get jobs to support themselves. But the jobs available may not offer adequate compensation. The only fair option is to take what you need by force. Typically this means looting retail stores. The saner policy is for the government to seize the wealth withheld by the capitalist oppressors and redistribute it to those in need."
Meanwhile, the Minnesota congressional district served by Rep. Ilhan Omar (D), leads the nation in volunteers joining the Islamic jihad against unbelievers. Omar defended this pattern, calling it "an exercise of the religious freedom guaranteed by the US Constitution. Muslims have a religious obligation to fight for the spread of the faith. If unbelievers won't voluntarily convert it is our duty to force them to submit and pay the jizya or be slain. I have the privilege of working within the government to pursue this objective. Others on the outside must have the freedom to do some things until all the world is for Allah."
Wages Rise for 99% of Workers
According to the Bureau of Economic Analysis (BEA), 99% of those employed have seen wages rise since Trump became president. The gains have positively impacted all demographic and ethnic groups.
Democratic presidential contender Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass), whose campaign is founded on the claim that Trump's policies have "devastated the economy," pointed out that "the benefits haven't been uniform. For one, 99% isn't everyone. Using the BEA's figures, 1% of those in the workforce have not seen wages increase. And those outside the workforce don't receive any benefit from wage increases."
Warren went on to say that "to combat these lopsided and blatantly inequitable results my Green New Deal plan calls for higher taxes on those who have benefited and redistribution to those who haven't. Those who are able to work must share their gains with those in need. In theory, they should do this out of a sense of moral obligation. Practically, though, history has shown that government has had to use force to achieve universal compliance. I am the only candidate who has a plan to make that happen."
However, a study, released by the Competitive Enterprise Institute estimated that her Green New Deal plan would cost the average household at least $70,000 in the first year of its roll out, and $250,000 over five years—an amount that Warren insists "is a bargain compared to the alternative of the runaway prosperity and environmental catastrophe that will result from Trump's policies."
Trump Criticism of Baltimore Assailed
President Trump's criticism of the rampant crime, corruption, and filth that pervades the City of Baltimore was characterized as "racist" by his political opponents in the Democratic Party and the media.
Though Rep. Elijah Cummings (D-Md) had previously made similar criticisms of the City, he took offense at "the President's insensitive remarks. It is one thing for those of us who have had to suffer the decades of misgovernment to complain. It is quite another for a white outsider to dare to expose it to the world. That's racist."
Trump pointed out that "Cummings has represented the worst portions of Baltimore for more than 20 years in Congress. Yet, conditions in his district are worse than when he started. Last year, the federal government provided $16 billion in aid to try to improve living conditions in Baltimore. Where has this money gone? Why hasn't the garbage been cleaned up and the rats exterminated? Why haven't the criminals been arrested?"
Cummings brushed off Trump's criticisms by reminding him that "it was the last three mayors who stole the City's money. I am not the one responsible for their corruption. I am not the one who has tied the hands of the police. My job has been to lobby for more federal aid to the City—an effort that has largely been successful."
The President was not impressed by Cummings' attempt to doge responsibility. "He knew the Democrat mayors were corrupt," Trump observed. "Yet he made no effort to rein-in their embezzlement. Instead, he acted as an agent for the transfer of taxpayers' money out of the federal treasury and into their corrupt hands. He has abetted theft and ignored his duty to serve his constituents."
Despite all the assertions that Trump is a racist, a study published by the University of Pennsylvania found that contrary to the media narrative, white racial prejudice against African Americans and Hispanic Americans has declined since Trump's election.
Senator Smuggles Illegal Across Border
Sen. Ron Wyden (D-Ore) personally aided the illegal entry of a pregnant immigrant "so she can have her anchor baby in the United States, as is her right."
Wyden called international boundaries "unnatural impediments to the free migration of people and wildlife. It is everyone's human right to live wherever they wish. It is our obligation to admit them and provide them with everything they need to enjoy the kind of life they desire. This includes free health care, food, housing, and spending money for the extras—cell phones, high-def cable TV, vacations, fashionable clothing—that make life more enjoyable."
The Senator also called for "expeditious naturalization so they will have the political heft to sustain their benefits via voting for representative who will maintain and augment these benefits. Ideally, this woman and her compatriots will vote for me in my 2020 reelection bid."