SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: September 15, 2019 Edition
Highlights of the September Dem Presidential Debate
Further evidence that the roster of competitors for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination has no worthy candidates was exhibited as ten contenders offered their insane and tyrannical policy proposals in front of cheering Party faithful in Houston on Thursday.
So-called "moderate" former Vice-President Joe Biden asserted that "nobody should be in jail for a nonviolent crime. So some guy sneaks into your house and steals your stuff. Maybe he has a greater need for it than you do. Why should he go to prison for that? Chances are that most of these types of theft result in a more equal distribution of wealth. Isn't that what all of us Democrats here tonight have been advocating? Granted, it would be more orderly for everyone to cooperate with our Party's plan to lawfully redistribute money, but we ought not punish those whose only fault is impatience."
Former Texas Rep. Beto O'Rourke swears he will confiscate guns, saying "the current system where any law-abiding private citizen can own a firearm is f***ed up. So, Hell yes, I will end this travesty. The notion that citizens should have arms in order to deter the government from trampling their freedom is out-dated. Our government is a democracy. That means it represents the people. By definition, no action it takes after being voted into office can be tyrannical. Anyone who opposes government actions is a terrorist. Terrorists must be disarmed. If necessary, I will order US troops to go door-to-door to retrieve any guns not voluntarily surrendered. That is my pledge to the American people."
Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren promised that "On my first day as president, I will sign an executive order that puts a total moratorium on all new fossil fuel leases for drilling offshore and on public lands. And I will ban fracking—everywhere. No business will be permitted to produce a product that consumers willingly buy if I determine that it is unnecessary. Historically, fossil fuels have led to too many bad habits. These include unnecessary travel that produces traffic jams and air pollution, excessive heating and cooling of buildings when simple reliance on appropriate garments would have sufficed, and lack of the kind of health benefits that daily exercise could have achieved if modern conveniences powered by electricity were unavailable."
South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg asserted that "Trump's attempts to limit immigration and build a wall to deter people from illegally entering the country are racist. Any voter who supports these policies is a racist. I agree with the Pope that every person in the world has a God-given right to emigrate to wherever he or she wants to live. We have no right to refuse to share the bounty that has been bestowed on us with anyone else who wants it. Most Americans have far more material possessions than they need or deserve. As the most devout Christian in this race, I am determined to see that these possessions are more equitably distributed to those in need."
California Sen. Kamala Harris denounced local police, claiming that "they just harass people and take up space in poorer sections of our cities. I think we need to experiment with letting people in these neighborhoods police themselves. I'm confident that locals would arise and provide a kind of 'street justice' that would be more easily understood by the residents and enforced with less violence once the city police have been barred from these areas. The cumbersome process of arrest, trial, and incarceration would be displaced by a more efficient system."
Former HUD Secretary Julian Castro accused Biden of being "a doddering fool" who is "incapable of completing a coherent thought without contradicting yourself halfway through your first sentence." A gasp from the audience emboldened Biden to remark that "my mouth may run ahead of my brain sometimes, but at least I don't have to stand on a box to try to convince myself that I'm big enough for the job of president."
Meanwhile, excluded candidate Marianne Williamson inadvertently expressed her off-the-record mystification that "conservatives treat me nicer than the lefties do. My fellow Democrats are so mean." After her observation was leaked to the media, Williamson was quick to absolve her fellow leftists by blaming "the negative aura that surrounds Trump for my bizarre earlier statement." Despite this attempt to correct her thinking, it is not likely that she will be forgiven by her comrades in the Democratic Party.
California Set to Outlaw Independent Truckers
Democratic Gov. Gavin Newsom has said he will sign legislation that the California Trucking Association claims "will put tens of thousands of owner-operator truckers, who service agriculture, retail and other industry sectors, out of business."
Newsom called owner-operated trucking "a no longer needed vestige of the past. I know that there is a certain kind of nostalgia for these modern day 'cowboys' driving goods around the state. But in the progressive future we envision for our state and the nation independent truckers are outside of the role required for a socially cooperative model of how the economy should operate. It should not be up to individual buyers and sellers to reach agreements on prices and routes for transporting commodities. Ideally, these determinations should be made by the government in order to ensure that resources are properly allocated to the most useful purposes."
The Governor tried to reassure independent truckers who have invested large sums to buy and operate their vehicles that "the government will purchase their trucks and hire the drivers to work as unionized employees. We will be converting them from being small-time capitalists into unionized members of a statewide drivers' collective. They will be guaranteed fair wages and be relieved of the risks and uncertainties of independent operations."
In other California news, Democrats in the California Senate gave party-line approval to a resolution demanding people of faith in the state change how they teach, preach, and counsel others related to LGBT identities and behaviors. Assemblyman Evan Low (D-San Jose), author of the resolution, argued that "our efforts to mold people's minds to our way of thinking should not have to tolerate insidious and systemic contradictions from the pulpits of the state's churches. Everyone needs to be on the same page if we are to overturn outmoded thinking about sex and gender." Low admitted that "the current resolution doesn't outlaw deviant preaching, per se. It is our hope that we can spark voluntary compliance and not have to go the route taken by the Chinese government to directly control religious doctrine via threat of punishment."
GOP Pushes "Born Alive" Bill
After enduring more than 80 rejected requests for a hearing on their "Born-Alive Abortion Survivors Protection Act" bill, Republicans in the House of Representatives held their own "hearing" to call attention to their effort to pass this legislation. The legislation would require medical personnel engaged in performing abortions to render aid to any baby that survives the attempt to kill him or her.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) explained that "it is pointless for us to have hearings on a bill that will never be enacted. Our Democratic Caucus has already decided that once a woman has decided to abort her baby there should be no legal impediment to achieving the desired outcome. The fact that a small fraction of those targeted for termination accidentally escape the death that has been decreed for them doesn't change the moral equation. No woman should have to endure the fate of unwillingly bringing another person into the world. Republican arguments that these abortion survivors could be raised by adoptive parents still inflicts the aborting mother with an unwanted inheritor of her genes existing somewhere in the world. This is wrong. We can never abide allowing the right to an abortion to be undermined in this way."
Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders praised Pelosi for "a courageous decision to uphold the principles of democratic socialism. The world is already severely overpopulated with wanted children. There is no good reason to add to this excess by saving the lives of children who are unwanted. Our progressive efforts to encourage women in Africa and Asia to abort more of their offspring would be muddled if we allow this Republican legislative monstrosity to take root in the United States."
Dem Criticizes Bill of Rights
House Majority Whip James Clyburn (D-SC) says the Bill of Rights in the Constitution "does more harm than good in today's society. When I see how people are abusing the Second Amendment. No telling what they'd do with the First Amendment. I think there would be a strong support against the Bill of Rights. I run into people every day who would like to see so much of those guarantees uprooted."
The Whip said he was "pleased to see such overwhelming support for severely restricting the right to bear arms from all of our Democratic presidential candidates. This unanimity stems from a perception of solid majorities who will vote for candidates who will take guns away from private citizens for their own good. In an ideal world, only the government would have firearms. This would greatly reduce unauthorized shootings while simultaneously reassuring armed government agents that resistance to their authority would be futile."
"While the abuse of freedom of speech doesn't have the immediate fatal impact that abuse of the right to bear arms does, the potential long-term consequences are just as concerning," Clyburn added. "As we saw in Germany, the hate-filled speeches of a lone lunatic led to a worldwide conflict that cost the lives of millions. We have the technology now to police the statements of everyone in the country and can nip any bad ideas in the bud. We shouldn't have to put up with the kind of anti-government views that seem to continually emanate from the right-wingers in our midst. I think if it were put on the ballot, voters would approve sensible censorship aimed at suppressing unacceptable political points of view."