SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: October 20, 2019 Edition
Trump Admin Looking at Motel 6 for G-7 Summit
A leak from inside the White House indicates that the Trump Administration is considering holding next June's G-7 Summit at a Motel 6 in Newark, New Jersey. The leak alleges that President Trump expressed dissatisfaction with the demands for what he termed "posh accommodations at our expense. Since most of the European elites expected to attend don't keep up with their NATO obligations to contribute to their own national defense why should we be lavish in hosting their junket to America?"
Motel 6 spokesman Tom Bodett characterized the Trump proposal "a fit example of American practicality. The G-7 attendees are all grown men and women. Surely they can cope with the no frills, low cost option we offer to weary travelers. Our motels don't have grand ballrooms, but our smaller meeting rooms can handle the necessary participants representing the seven countries."
In contrast, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) denounced this rumored move as "an insult to our long-term allies," calling it "completely out of the question. We're not talking about putting up the sort of deplorables who voted for Trump. We're talking about the world's best and brightest, the people who govern the masses. These leaders need to receive the same type of accommodations that have been customary for persons of their social ranking since the days of the Roman Empire. Clearly, this is yet another demonstration of Trump's lack of fitness for the office. It is another impeachable offense committed in full view of the voters."
Beto Cites Waco Operation as Model for Gun Seizures
Democratic presidential candidate former Texas Rep. Beto O'Rourke pushed back against criticism that his gun confiscation plan is unrealistic by citing "the successful 1993 action against gun scofflaws in Waco taken by the Clinton Administration. Here we had a cult armed to the teeth. Attorney General Janet Reno didn't hesitate to use force to achieve the disarmament of these dangerous misfits. All I'm proposing is that we use the same courageous proactive approach toward today's anti-government traitors and terrorists."
"I am pleased to see that Democrats in the House are advancing a bill that would authorize the disarming of any person deemed a danger to society," the Candidate added. The bill—The Extreme Risk Protection Order Act of 2019—introduced by Rep. Salud Carbajal (D-Calif) would authorized law enforcement to seize firearms from persons identified as dangerous by another person or persons who feel threatened.
Strangely, Democrats rejected a proposed amendment from Republicans that would've added criminal gang members as prospective persons to be disarmed. Rep. Ken Buck (R-Colo) pointed out that "the majority of violent crime, including gun violence, in the United States is linked to gangs." Carbajal defended rejection of the GOP amendment, explaining that "gang members live outside the law. They can't rely on police to protect them. They need access to guns for their own safety. The people we are most concerned with are those normally considered law-abiding, but perceived as dangerous by other law-abiding persons such as family members, spouses, neighbors, and co-workers. These people don't need to own guns. They can call on the police for protection if they are threatened or attacked by criminals."
Clinton Smears Democrat Presidential Contender
As part of her continuing effort to convince everyone she is a loon, former Secretary of State and failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton charged that current contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Hawaii Rep. Tulsi Gabbard "is a Russian agent." Clinton's remarks came during her interview on former President Obama aide David Plouffe's "Campaign HQ" podcast.
Clinton cited Gabbard's behavior at the debates as evidence for her charge. "If you listen carefully you will see that she repeatedly criticizes some of the other contenders. She calls their ideas impractical. Accuses them of hypocrisy or dishonesty. This kind of internal disagreement only benefits Trump and the Republicans."
"In 2016, I was fortunate enough that with the help of the Democratic National Committee I was able to rebuff Bernie's attempt to steal the nomination from me by deluding many primary voters to cast their ballots for him," Clinton admitted. "What I couldn't overcome was the 'stab in the back' from Jill Stein, who was also a Russian agent, and the collusion between Trump and Putin to suppress the votes of recent immigrants to America."
"I'm confident that the DNC will be able to exclude Gabbard from future debates and that Congress will impeach and remove Trump from office," the former Secretary said. "This will clear the way for voters to reverse the most terrible injustice ever inflicted on anyone by electing me, the most qualified person to ever run for the office, the next president of the United States in November of 2020."
Schiff Impeachment Probe Bogs Down
House Intelligence Committee Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff's closed door impeachment hearings are not moving along as he has envisioned they would. According to inside sources, witnesses that Schiff is convinced have damaging evidence against President Trump are resisting Schiff's efforts to put words into their mouths.
Deputy Assistant Secretary of State George Kent reputedly told the Committee that he had qualms about Joe Biden's son Hunter's role on the board of the Ukrainian energy company Burisma Holdings back in 2015, but was rebuffed by the staff of the Vice-President citing "President Obama's full approval for the actions taken to oust the Ukrainian prosecutor looking into the matter."
"Well, wouldn't President Obama's full approval effectively debunk any allegation of wronging by the Bidens?" Schiff is said to have asked Kent. Kent's reported reply that "even if the Bidens' activities had the backing of the President that wouldn't debunk anything. There certainly was the appearance of impropriety. Debunking would, in my opinion, require something more concrete than a claim that higher authority was supposedly on-board with the Bidens."
Schiff is said to be frustrated that "our witnesses are making things harder than they need to be. I keep trying to tell them that there is no one who can contradict whatever they testify to. The simplest option for them is to tell us what we want to hear."
Schiff has also vociferously and publicly defended the secrecy of his undertaking, calling it "essential that we retain the element of surprise to prevent Trump from concocting a plausible-sounding defense of his actions. Thankfully, the impeachment process bypasses the Constitution's guarantee that the accused has the right to confront his accusers and see the evidence of the crimes of which he is accused."
For his part, Trump tweeted that "even the infamous Salem witch trials allowed the accused to confront their accusers. What Schiff, Pelosi and the Democrats are doing is a disgrace."
Majority of Voters Disagree with Warren
A key plank in Democratic presidential contender Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren's platform is that "the economy is not working for average Americans." In a poll conducted by Marist, more than 60% of the voters questioned said the economy is working for them. Of the subgroups surveyed, 67% of college graduates, 64% of those without a degree, 68% of whites, 61% of non-whites, 63% of generation Z, 69% of generation X, 63% of baby boomers, 69% of the greatest generation, 69% of the silent generation, 60% of those in the west, 65% of those in the east, 67% of those in the mid-west, 68% of those in the south, 63% of city dwellers, 64% of those in small towns, 66% of those in rural areas, and 72% of suburban inhabitants all agree the economy is working for them.
Warren professed herself as unfazed by these findings, saying "I will get the votes of the 59% of progressives, 55% of Democratic women, and 55% of those who are liberal that agree with me that the economy is not working for them." Warren also pointed to the explosive growth of the homeless sector as "a sign that things are trending in my favor. We estimate that virtually 100% of these unfortunates will cast their ballots for me, as will the vast majority of immigrants, prison inmates, and urban gangsters. These are revolutionary times we are living in. The comfortable bourgeoisie are no match for the mobilized proletariat that will overthrow capitalist oppression in this country."
Recent Census Bureau data on the incomes of America's middle class show there is solid evidence for people feeling good about the Trump economy. Since he took office in January 2017 the median-income family has seen a gain of $5,003 in annual earnings. The gain during the eight years of the Obama Administration was only $1,043. It should be no surprise that voters put more trust in their paychecks than the socialist lies being purveyed by leading Democrats.
Bush Comes Out of Hibernation to Chastise Trump
After many years of silence since leaving office, former President George W. Bush sharply chastised President Trump's Syrian troop withdrawal, claiming it "threatens to undo my signature achievement as president."
Bush rejected Trump's reasoning that the United States shouldn't be engaged in endless wars to try to promote nation-building, by pointing out that "endless is an exaggeration. My wars only started in 2003. That's just 16 years ago. If I recall correctly, Europe had a 100 years war spanning the 14th and 15th centuries. The cold war between us and the Soviet Union lasted four decades. And to hear Trump himself tell it, there's been fighting in the Middle East for centuries. It is Trump's belief that somehow we can get along without wars that is out-of-step with reality."
Democratic presidential candidate South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg sided with Bush and insisted that "President Trump is taking away our troops' honor. I didn't think we should have gone to Iraq in the first place. I think we need to get out of Afghanistan. But Trump's hasty withdrawal of the 28 soldiers stationed in Syria by President Obama in 2011 is a slap in the face to everyone who has ever worn the uniform. We are leaving thousands of our communist Kurd allies behind to fight against the hated Turks. I'm sure everyone of those soldiers feels shame and wishes he could see the battle out to the end."
Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) attempted to distinguish between "the sensible placement of troops by President Obama with the reckless deployments of President Bush and Trump. Obama could be trusted to do whatever is good for everyone, but Bush was a bumbling fool and Trump is Putin's mole inside the US government. Whatever Trump does is wrong and probably treasonous."
Planned Parenthood Lawsuit Not Going Well
The lawsuit—Planned Parenthood v. The Center for Medical Progress (CMP)--for "wrongfully making public proprietary trade secrets" is further exposing the many heinous practices involved in the organization's profiteering from the sale of body parts of the victims of abortions in their facilities.
A video clip of Dr. Deborah Nucatola, a former Planned Parenthood Federation of America's senior director of medical services, describing how she "would delicately crush above and below the baby's thorax in order to preserve intact internal organs and assure maximum prices for the merchandise" was allowed in evidence over the objections of the organization's attorney Sharon Mayo that "the details of the extraction method is a trade secret" and that "allowing it at the trial could result in irreparable harm to Planned Parenthood's future financial viability. The widespread revulsion likely to be induced in persons unqualified to judge these highly technical medical procedures could encourage the passage of laws limiting or banning the use of these procedures or even the frequency with which abortions are requested by patients."
Former Planned Parenthood abortionist Mary Gatter testified that "the 'tissue samples' we prefer to call the abortion remains are baby parts. 'Tissue samples' doesn't sound as repugnant as baby parts. Look, my job was to market the leftovers from the late abortion procedures. Anything we can do to make sure buyers aren't revolted by what we're actually selling helps smooth the transaction and keep the money flowing." Gatter also acknowledged saying "I want a Lamborgini. I figured if the potential buyers knew I had high aspirations and expenses they would be willing to pay a higher price for what I was trying to sell."
Mayo asserted that "the entirely legal business of terminating unwanted babies has been severely damaged by the illegal actions of CMP. Tens of millions of dollars in profits have already been lost. Justice requires that those who caused these losses compensate my clients. Whether CMP has sufficient resources to pay what Planned Parenthood demands remains to be seen. At the very least the total financial ruin of CMP and everyone associated with it could serve as a stern warning to others that continue to harass abortion providers across the country."
In related news, support for unrestricted abortion funded by tax dollars was unanimous at the latest debate among the 12 invited Democratic presidential contenders in Ohio. New Jersey Sen. Cory Booker got a chorus of "amens" from his rivals when he reminded everyone of "the tragic increase in Planned Parenthood facilities closing and the existential threat this poses to life as we know it in this country."
Prof Blames Trump for Black Obesity
Rutgers University women's and gender studies professor Brittney Cooper says "Trump's policies are responsible for black women being obese." Cooper, who is black and grossly overweight herself, contends that "Trump's every man for himself approach is the problem. The rampant prosperity stemming from his tax cuts and deregulation makes food inexpensive and readily available. For those of us with no self-discipline it's a recipe for disaster."
Cooper maintains that "the policies of Sanders or Warren would be much healthier for us. The costs would go up and there would be more scarcity. Sanders has even explicitly praised the idea of making people wait in lines to get food. More of our time would be consumed trying to obtain food, leaving less time to eat it. This externally applied discipline would save fatties from their own bad choices and lead to a greater collective well being for all."