SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: November 24, 2019 Edition
New Dem Prez Candidate Triples Support in One Week
What some observers saw as a bad sign for his newly announced bid to become the Democratic Party's 2020 presidential nominee, former Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick saw as "an encouraging start on the road to victory."
While only two people showed up to hear him speak at Morehouse College in Atlanta, Patrick pointed out that "this is three times the number of supporters I had last week. If I can sustain this pace I'll have more than three billion supporters by May of next year and be headed toward a landslide win in the 2020 election."
Abortion Advocacy Becomes More Strident
Seeking to bolster his record as the most abortion-friendly candidate among those vying for the Democratic 2020 presidential nomination, Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt) boasted that "my support for abortion has been 100% pure. Unlike some of my rivals, I have never wavered. Nevertheless, the trend in recent years has shown a decline in the rate at which expectant mothers have availed themselves of this option. If there's ever a time in American history where the men of this country must stand with the women, this is the moment."
"Considering the dire fate that climate change portends we must do everything in our power to strike at the root cause of environmental catastrophe—people," Sanders asserted. "I think it's time we all admit that abortion is more than a right. It is an obligation if we hope to save the planet. Until we can get laws passed to enforce this obligation it is up to the men who have impregnated the women to persuade them to abort the unnecessary augmentation of the population that can only worsen global environmental conditions."
Not wanting to be totally outflanked, Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) called abortion "a human and an economic right. Having a baby places enormous burdens on a woman. Abortion provides a simple solution for averting these burdens. Any impediments to exercising this human right are immoral. If I become president, unlike Senator Sanders, I won't wait for legislation or rely on men to persuade women to get abortions. I will issue an Executive Order codifying abortion as every woman's unalienable human right."
To emphasize her sincerity and determination, Warren announced an all-female "troika" will chair her presidential campaign. This troika will be consist of three congresswomen—Rep. Deb Haaland (D-NM), Rep. Katie Porter (D-Calif), and Rep Ayanna Pressley (D-Mass). "We are going to take this country back from the patriarchs that have ruined it and put in positions of power where they can right the wrongs of more than 10,000 years of human history," Warren promised. "A sufficient number of sperm donors will be retained to ensure that future generations of women will be available to rule the world."
Biden Defends Son's Business Acumen
This week it was revealed that Rosemont Capital, an investment firm in which former Vice-President Joe Biden's son Hunter is a partner, received $130 million of federal money as part of the Term Asset-Backed Securities Loan Facility (TALF) during the Obama Administration. Under this program the government lent as much as 90% of the money to buy risky bonds. If the investment turned a profit the borrowers benefited. If it didn't the government agreed to absorb the loss. Rosemont Capital routed its profits through a subsidiary in the Cayman Islands—a move that allowed it to avoid paying US taxes.
The former Vice-President, a key advocate for the TALF program, cited the Rosemont deal "as further evidence of the business smarts of my son. The fact is, that a deal where you get to keep any profit and avoid any loss while dodging taxes is pure genius. I think this brilliance was what inspired Burisma to offer him a million dollars a year to serve on their Board of Directors. This further debunks Republican insinuations that the money he received was corruptly obtained."
Rival candidate for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders disputed the "genius" interpretation floated by Biden. Instead he characterized the TALF program as "corporate welfare for large, greedy, reckless financial institutions. Every one of these transactions is outrageous."
Candidate Vows "No Compromise"
Billionaire 2020 Democratic presidential candidate Tom Steyer says he will unify the nation behind his vision "without having to compromise with Republicans. I will be the president. Why should I compromise with the losers? They will cooperate with my policies or be completely shutout of government."
"The notion that governing requires splitting the difference between contending parties is the kind of 'deal making' approach that Trump has inflicted on America," Steyer maintained. "Why should we make deals with racists? If voters make the right choices across-the-board we'll have Democrat majorities in the House and Senate as well as own the presidency. We won't need to consider Republican views on any topic. If, by some freak chance, Republicans hold a majority in either the Senate or House I can govern by Executive Order, like President Obama learned he could do during his second term. He had the media behind him and I will too. There'll be no stopping us from completing the transformation of America that he began."
Schiff Says "Presumptions" Better than"Eye Witness"
Though Republicans have denounced the so-called "evidence" the House impeachment hearings have produced as "hearsay" and "presumptions," Committee Chairman Adam Schiff (D-Calif) claims that "hearsay and presumption are better than the direct evidence the Republicans insist is the only valid evidence."
"Last week, Rep. Quigley pointed out how hearsay was superior to direct evidence," Schiff recalled. "If we were to restrict ourselves to only direct evidence then Ambassador Sondland's testimony that the direct words from Trump stating that he wanted nothing from Zelensky—no quid pro quo—would be inadequate to support a charge of bribery against Trump. But if we expand our scope to include the rumors, scuttlebutt, and presumptions being passed around among the individuals involved we have a mounting pile of proof."
"If all the experts on Ukraine are reinforcing each individual's presumptions by passing them on to each other we get a consensus that is more real than the verifiable facts," Schiff argued. "A group that knows Trump is a crook is a better guide for action than the isolated testimony of an eye witness who says he's not. We're confident that voters will be with us on this."
Pelosi Says Impeachment Will Correct Voters' Error
With polls showing voters turning against impeachment, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) told fellow Democrats "that fact alone makes it even more imperative that we complete the job of removing Trump from office. We must reject the weak and dangerous suggestion to just let the voters decide whether to vote against letting him continue in office. I mean, do I have to remind you that we trusted voters to choose wisely in 2016. Well, we saw how that turned out."
The Speaker urged that "we 'trail blaze' a new process for selecting a president. In parliamentary systems like they have in most other democracies the chief executive is chosen by the party that has a majority in the legislature. This strikes me as a superior method. Rather than allow relatively ignorant voters to separately elect a president, why not have the better informed members of the legislature make the final determination? We can let voters cast ballots for whoever they like. If the House is satisfied with their choice no further action would be required. The election day results would stand. However, if the voters make an unsatisfactory choice, the House would impeach and remove the person chosen and schedule a new election."
Pelosi rebuffed criticism that her proposed new process would be unwieldy or undemocratic, saying that "at first it might seem so, but I believe that eventually voters would learn to make better choices and relieve the House from having to undo poorly thought out choices like the one they made in 2016. In fact, by pledging to impeach Trump should the voters mistakenly reelect him in 2020 I think we will considerably accelerate the learning process."
In related news, the House of Representatives reauthorized the Patriot Act in an emergency funding bill. All 230 Democrats voted for the measure—including waiving the normal 72-hour period that would have allowed representatives time to read the bill prior to voting. Pelosi justified the haste saying "the surveillance powers granted in the legislation are essential. Without them the FBI would not have been able to legally spy on Trump and his loathsome supporters. There must be no unsurveilled gaps going forward."
Buttigieg Defends Outreach to Blacks
Polls have shown that Mayor Pete Buttigieg is having a hard time attracting minority voters. A Quinnipiac University survey found that he has the support of less than one percent of black voters—lower than rival candidate Marianne Williamson. Worse still, a photo on his website purporting to illustrate blacks who have backed his bid for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination is actually a photo of a Kenyan woman.
The Mayor insists that he was "not trying to deceive anyone" and maintained that the photo in question "is more akin to that of a duck decoy. My hope was that by showing the photo of a black person among photos of claimed supporters I could attract other blacks to my pond, so to speak." Of course, the fate of ducks who are duped by decoys is to be shot by hunters. Buttigieg swears that blacks who are enticed into his camp "will definitely not be shot. I want their money and their votes, not their lives."