SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: December 1, 2019 Edition
Bloomberg Defends Tax Hikes on the Poor
Seeking to differentiate himself from what he derided as "the lunatics leading the pack of Democrats trying to become the next president by offering boatloads of free stuff," former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg pledged to "be the president that can unify America under my benevolent wing."
"Consider the poor," the former Mayor said. "They are poor because they make poor choices. We must ensure that poor choices are discouraged. The simplest way of doing this is to increase the cost by directly taxing poor choices. For example, sugary soft drinks are unhealthy. By slapping higher taxes on their consumption we make them less affordable and achieve the dual purpose of bringing in more revenue to the government and improving the health of the population."
"I know I've been called a 'nanny-stater' for my views on this, but is that really a bad thing?" Bloomberg asked. "Wouldn't most people benefit if they had a nanny to protect them from their own bad impulses? I'm the only candidate man enough to take on this role. I'm a father. I know how to mold children for their own good. I can do this for everyone in the country if given the chance."
Rival Democratic hopeful Sen. Elizabeth Warren (Mass) called Bloomberg's position "exactly wrong. The bad choices poor people make are far less damaging than the bad choices the rich make. The poor aren't withholding money from those in need. It's the greedy billionaires who deny the poor a fair share of the wealth they have hoarded for themselves. That is the bad choice we must rectify by expropriating the selfishly held wealth so the government can redistribute it to more deserving people."
Harris Campaign Flailing
Kelly Mehlenbacher, former state operations director for the Sen. Kamala Harris campaign recently resigned citing "the poorest treatment of staff I have ever seen. A lot of talented people were misused and abused. There is no viable plan for winning." Oddly, despite Harris' disastrous leadership of her own campaign, Mehlenbacher illogically maintained in her resignation letter that "I still believe that Senator Harris is the strongest candidate to win in the General Election in 2020."
Harris herself blames rival Democratic presidential hopeful Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (Hawaii) for the collapse of her polling numbers and the ensuing chaos of her campaign. During one of the debates Gabbard slammed Harris' hypocrisy of indulging in marijuana use while prosecuting others—mainly minorities—for possessing and smoking the weed. Gabbard also exposed Harris' pattern of prosecutorial misconduct in withholding exculpatory evidence that could have freed innocent men from prison.
Harris' response to Gabbard's criticism was to mock her "lower tier" status among the contenders. Ironically, following that debate Harris, once a self-described "top tier" candidate, plunged to the "lower tier" with only 4% of voters saying she is their choice for the nomination.
Judge Bars Requiring Would-be Immigrants to Have Health Insurance
Oregon U.S. Dist. Court Judge Michael Simon issued a nationwide injunction stopping the State Department from requiring foreign nationals to show they will be covered by health insurance within 30 days of entering the country before they can be granted a visa. The Judge rejected the Trump's Administration's assertion that the new rule is needed to alleviate the burden on US taxpayers of having to supply immigrants with health care.
"Inasmuch as it is the unanimous opinion of all right thinking individuals that free health care is a human right, we cannot allow Trump's deviant minority viewpoint to overrule the majority," Simon wrote in his decision. "Since one of the key motivations for immigrating to the United States is to claim a fair share of the global bounty available to this country's residents, it would be unjust to deny them the benefit of the free health care that will be provided to all once the current Administration is removed from power."
White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham pointed out that "Simon's decision disregards federal law and violates a Supreme Court decision last year recognizing the president's broad authority to impose such restrictions. We will be appealing his decision and expect that a higher court will obey last year's Supreme Court ruling."
Doug Rand, a former White House official under President Obama, chided the White House for being "fixated on the notion that immigrants aren't entitled to US taxpayers' resources. This notion was thoroughly debunked by President Obama. He established the principle that US taxpayers have no right to resist sharing their wealth with those less fortunate, especially foreigners."
China Demands Reparations for Global Pollution
Zhao Yingmin, China's Vice-Minister of Ecology and Environment, demanded that developed countries pay poor countries the $100 billion in reparations promised by the Paris Accord for the damages done by global pollution. The roster of proposed recipients of this $100 billion includes China. Ironically, China is currently spewing out more pollution than any other country.
The chance for China's demands being met seem slim since the Trump Administration has withdrawn US participation in the Paris Accord. Nevertheless, Zhao denounced "this unilateral rejection of an agreement made by his predecessor," labeled Trump's action "a crime against humanity," and called efforts to get his country to reduce its pollution "an infringement on our sovereignty."
FBI Conspirator Boasts of Destroying the Republic
The more that is revealed about the deep state plotters against President Trump the more their loathsomeness is confirmed. We learned that in 2016 then FBI Special Agent Peter Strzok emailed his illicit paramour, FBI lawyer Lisa Page, to reassure her that the Agency had "an insurance policy" designed to undermine a Trump presidency. Then we learned that in January of 2017 Mark Zaid, the attorney for the "whistleblower" that sparked the House impeachment hearings against Trump, tweeted "the coup has begun." This week, Kevin Clinesmith, the FBI lawyer accused of falsifying the FISA warrant used to authorize spying on the Trump campaign and presidency, texted "I have initiated the destruction of the Republic!" to his illicit paramour, FBI lawyer Sally Moyer.
While the participants in the covert action against the Trump campaign and presidency purport to be the "true patriots," their electronic trail of words imparts a more sinister objective. Secret police meddling in an election and efforts to conduct a coup and destroy our republican form of government are the kinds of behavior we so justly objected to when carried out by goons in service to the communist dictatorships behind the Iron Curtain. Interestingly, their self-justifications are often couched in terms of "saving our democracy." Remember, though, that the oppressive communist regimes routinely touted themselves as "people's democratic republics."
Head inquisitor of Congress' anti-Trump efforts, Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif), brushed aside the sinister emails, tweets, and texts, insisting that "all they show is the noble intent of those in our intelligence agencies against a man representing the most serious threat in our nation's history. Similar comments were made by our nation's leaders during the fight to defeat the Nazis. They deserve our gratitude, not the kind of undeserved scrutiny that Trump and his fellow criminals are trying to inflict on them."
Meanwhile, over in the Senate, self-professed "undecided and impartial prospective impeachment juror" Sen. Chris Coons (D-Del) says he "will carefully weigh the evidence," but lamented "the disheartening lack of votes for conviction and removal of President Trump." Coons contends that "the direct evidence quoting the President as refusing a 'quid pro quo' does not outweigh the testimony of the diplomatic witnesses who say that their perception was that a 'quid pro quo' was what they thought he wanted. The fact that 95% of the media agrees with this perception is, in my opinion, a pretty definitive demonstration of guilt."
Buttigieg May Name Kaepernick as Running Mate
Now that he's leading in the polls in Iowa and New Hampshire Democratic presidential contender South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg is reported to be mulling over possible running mates. Rumored front runner is former National Football League quarterback Colin Kaepernick.
"Kaepernick is a man of unrivaled courage," Buttigieg said. "His willingness to kneel while thousands of others stood for the National Anthem was beyond brave. It cost him his job and millions of dollars. That's a far higher price than any other protester has paid. I think voters who believe in justice would relish the opportunity to elect him as my vice-president."
In an effort to curry favor with the Buttigieg campaign, Kaepernick, while participating in an Unthanksgiving Day celebration in San Francisco on Thursday, took the opportunity to blast the US Government for "stealing over 1.5 billion acres of land from the Indians. It's time we evict all the non-indigenous inhabitants squatting on this stolen land and send them back where they came from."
Nadler Invites Trump to Participate in Hearing
House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) extended an invitation for President Trump to participate in his upcoming impeachment hearing.
"We will be following the same protocols that were used in Rep. Schiff's hearing," Nadler reminded. "Republicans may request that certain witnesses be asked to testify, but I will decide whether any specific witness will be called. Republicans will be allotted a limited amount of time to pose questions, but I will determine whether the witnesses will be permitted to respond. Republicans will be responsible for supplying the Committee members with donuts, but I will be in charge of how they are distributed."
Mexico Warns Trump Not to Attack Drug Cartels
Mexico's President Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador warned President Trump against taking military action against the vicious drug and human smuggling cartels that control the Mexican side of the United States' southern border. "These cartels reside on our sovereign soil," he pointed out. "Therefore, it is our prerogative to decide what to do about them."
"The situation is more complicated than Mr. Trump's simplistic observation that the cartels murder people," Lopez said. "Generally, murder is a bad thing. On the other hand, these cartels bring a lot of US dollars into our country and that is a good thing. Trying to prevent the murders would be expensive and probably futile. Disrupting the positive cash flow could be devastating to our fragile economy."
"We can never tolerate the presence of US troops inside our country, but we might be willing to allow President Trump to provide weapons and ammunition for our troops to fight the cartels if he will also agree to replace the lost cash flow with US dollars should we attain victory in this fight," Lopez suggested.
Trump discounted the Mexican President's suggestion, calling it "weak. I doubt his troops can be counted on for much. If the President is willing to tolerate the slaughter of men, women, and children because it might bring more cash in from America I don't see him as a reliable partner in an effort to combat these terrorists. Any weapons we give them would probably end up in the hands of the cartels. Any money we give them would probably be stolen or embezzled. I think our best course will be to finish building the wall and to make sure it is manned by law enforcement and military personnel sufficient to deter or defeat any incursions by cartel thugs."