SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: March 29, 2020 Edition
Dems Demonstrate Leadership
In the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, Bill and Hillary Clinton donated more than 400 pizzas to all of the hospitals in their home county of Westchester, NY. The donation was heralded by a tweet from Hillary "thanking medical workers and everyone else who is working to save lives and keep us all going right now."
Angela Cirilli, an emergency medicine ultrasound director at St John's Riverside Hospital, tweeted her gratitude saying "Amazing !!! Thank you !!!! We NEED LEADERS LIKE YOU in this tough time."
A spokesperson for the Clintons contrasted "this unprecedented act of generosity with Trump's failure to answer Gov. Cuomo's heart-felt pleas for more ventilators. His insistence that New York use the stockpile they have on hand before demanding more is heartless."
Meanwhile, Cuomo called the $40 billion in aid earmarked for his state in the recently passed Coronavirus Aid, Relief, and Economic Security (CARES) Act "irresponsibly inadequate. The money is restricted to covering only coronavirus-related expenses. As a high-tax state, though, our government coffers are being especially hard hit by the statewide economic shutdown I ordered. As president of the whole country, it is Trump's duty to transfer resources from low-tax states to help cover our revenue losses."
Ironically, Cuomo passed up an opportunity to replenish ventilator supplies during 2015's state budget negotiations—opting instead for a triage approach based on each patient's "social value score" to allocate the existing 4,000 ventilators on-hand at the time. Money that could have been spent on ventilators then was instead used to print thousands of "I love New York" banners for distribution and display at various locations around the state. In his defense, Cuomo pointed out that "President Obama was also cutting expenditures for the Centers for Disease Control around that time. Why should I be held to a higher standard than a Nobel Prize winner?"
Since Cuomo took over as governor, 174 New York City hospitals have been closed. Trump has sent a navy hospital ship with 1,000 beds to New York City. The Governor expressed a modicum of appreciation, but pointed out "this is only a stop-gap measure. When the crisis passes this ship will sail away. The federal government needs to fund construction of new permanent hospitals with the CARES Act money."
Dem Governors Ban Virus Therapy
In Michigan, Gov. Half Whitmer (D) warned doctors and pharmacists that their licenses could be revoked if they prescribe hydroxychloroquine or chloroquine to patients suffering from COVID-19. In Nevada, Gov. Steve Sisolak (D) also barred doctors from prescribing these drugs for COVID-19.
Sisolak explained that "there is no proof that these drugs are effective in treating this virus. Until there is proof we cannot allow patients to be subjected to a possibly ineffective therapy." The Governor argued that "this action wouldn't have been necessary if Trump hadn't endorsed these drugs on national TV."
These bans run directly contrary to President Trump's "right to try" philosophy regarding medical care. "I'm not saying that these drugs are THE CURE," he reminded. "There have been reports from doctors who have tried these drugs and the results have been encouraging. Since these drugs have been off patent for decades they are inexpensive. If attending physicians and their patients want to try these drugs, I don't think the government should stop them from doing what they think is best for their health and survival."
Comedian Says "Trump Is Trying to Kill Me"
Kathy Griffin, the "comedian" who sent her career into a tailspin with repeated barrages of vicious and intemperate jibes at President Trump, the most infamous of which was a picture of her holding what appeared to be his severed head, recently checked into a hospital and demanded she be tested for COVID-19. Since her symptoms didn't meet the guidelines, the hospital refused.
After examining the patient, the hospital doctor diagnosed her ailment as a "stomach infection," gave her a prescription and sent her home. Griffin contends that this diagnosis "was politically tainted. I've been on a 'blacklist' ever since I tried to use my freedom of speech to call attention to Trump's lack of qualifications to be president. At first, this just meant that a lot of places refused to book my gigs. Now, apparently, it means I can't get the same go-to-the-head-of-the-line privileges that are normally afforded to celebrities. Trashing my career, denying me the medical care I want—clearly Trump is trying to kill me."
Griffin said she has "asked Gov. Newsom to intervene on my behalf." However, the Governor's office has demurred, saying that "President Trump has been exceptionally attentive and expeditious in addressing our needs and concerns. All of the state's medical professionals have been doing an outstanding job of allocating tests and treatments to those who need them. We will not besmirch them for correctly following procedures and ignoring the hysterical ravings of one disappointed woman."
Plastic Bag Ban Temporarily Lifted
Publicly acknowledging that reusable bags spread germs, Boston Mayor Marty Walsh has temporarily lifted the City's ban on using disposable plastic bags to carry merchandise out of stores. Gov. Charlie Baker (R) bolstered this move by banning reusable bags statewide and allowing merchants to offer plastic bags in their place while the COVID-19 pandemic persists.
Numerous studies have amply demonstrated that reusable bags are infested with pathogens. It is one thing to allow anti-plastic zealots to carry them around. It is yet another for such bags to be made the only legal option for shoppers. Plastic bags became dominant in a free market because of their convenience, efficiency, and safety. Forcing everyone to use less convenient, less efficient and less safe reusable bags makes no sense.
Yet, both the Mayor and Governor insist that lifting the ban on plastic bags will be only a temporary respite from the baleful effects of the reusable bags. "Mandating that people rely on reusable bags has a 'feel good' quality to it," Baker said. "It doesn't seem wasteful like the single-use plastic bag does. People can easily imagine that they're doing something good for the environment."
Walsh pointed out that "in my opinion, the extra risk posed by reusable bags is relatively small compared to the psychological benefits gained from the belief that you are somehow helping the environment to be more pristine. And who's to say that hauling around harmful microbes when you shop doesn't help build a stronger 'herd immunity' in the long run?"
Mayor Sees "Silver Lining" in Pandemic
Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti urged that "we look on the bright side of the current pandemic. Sure there are inconveniences that must be endured, but there is also a 'silver lining.' Consider the positive developments we have observed so far."
"The widespread fear of the contagion has inspired a much higher rate of public cooperation with the autocratic measures we have seen fit to impose," the Mayor pointed out. "We tell people to go to their homes and stay there. Almost everyone obeys. For the few who don't we cut off their electricity and water—making their lives hellish and squalid."
"With the streets cleared of potential victims, muggings have decreased," Garcetti bragged. "Since no one is supposed to be out and about it is easier for police to intercept would-be burglars and rapists before they can make it to the homes and businesses they plan to break into."
"All this has been achieved by ordering nonessential activities to cease," he marveled. "I think we need to consider whether we should make the lock-down permanent. Why should we ever let nonessential activities resume after the virus crisis has passed? Doesn't the 'nonessential' designation tell us that these activities are unnecessary drains on the collective well-being? If the government can divert all resources to only essential activities wouldn't everyone be better off? This crisis has shown us a new way forward toward the progressive ideal we Democrats have been trying to bestow upon the population."
Study Contradicts COVID-19 Media Narrative
Despite a cacophony of criticisms directed at President Trump's handling of the COVID pandemic claiming it was too hasty, it's too sluggish, it's anti-science, and racist, a study by the Johns Hopkins Center for Health Security (JHCHS) published in late 2019 found that the United States was more prepared for a pandemic than any other country in the world.
MSNBC anchor Andrea Mitchell dismissed the Study's findings, calling them "myopic in scope. The preparedness index was narrowly focused on medical issues like quantities of hospitals, doctors, equipment and medicines. It totally overlooked the political downside of generating a favorable image of Trump among voters. Everyday, Trump appears on TV giving updates on the status of the disease and the progress his team is making to overcome it. Meanwhile, Vice-President Biden pointed out that even if the US was the best prepared we still were only 87% ready. Trump's failure to get us 100% ready shows his incompetence. Biden's hard-hitting assessment has been mostly ignored. I fear that the lesser danger of the virus is laying the groundwork for the greater danger of Trump's reelection."
It's not that Biden hasn't been trying to garner more attention. His intended "shadow" briefings on the pandemic have not gone particularly well, what with the gaffes and technical mishaps marring his presentation. His virtual "happy hour" had an average viewership of less than 3,000 for the full length of the sixty-minute program.
Then, too, there is the accusation made by former staffer Tara Reade that he reached inside her skirt and fondled her back in 1993. Biden called Reade's accusation "cruel and insensitive. It was an honest mistake. I thought I was reaching under my kilt to scratch myself, groping around trying to find my Johnson before I remembered I wasn't wearing a kilt that day. If Tara's plaid skirt hadn't looked so much like the Biden Clan plaid I don't think I would've mistaken it for my kilt. So, it's partly her fault."
Pelosi Mocks Trump's Desire to Get America Back to Work
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) mocked President Trump's desire to reopen shuttered businesses as soon as possible, calling it "totally irrational. Studies have shown that unemployment compensation is the super fuel for economic prosperity. With unemployment benefits a person has both an income and freedom from labor. Trump would throw this ideal away by forcing individuals to sacrifice their leisure in order to earn and income."
The Speaker suggested that "Trump doesn't understand science. When you can maximize income while minimizing effort your return on investment is the best it can be. The current medical crisis is giving us the opportunity to carry out a real-life experiment that will prove the truth of what I'm saying and the Democratic Party has been working to achieve since the days of FDR. The myth of capitalism is that wealth must be created by arduous effort under the guidance of investors and management. The steps that have been taken by many governors to confine people to their homes combined with the trillion dollar aid package Congress just passed will once-and-for-all show voters that the progressive model for running the country—living and thriving without toil—will restore humanity to the Garden of Eden that God intended for all of us."
Biden Touts Chinese Nostrum for COVID-19
Former Vice-President Joe Biden sharply criticized President Trump for "pushing an unproven malaria drug as a cure for the virus. A couple in Arizona poisoned themselves by taking it. My son has used his business connections in China to secure millions of doses of a traditional folk remedy for respiratory ailments. It's a formula comprised of bear bile, goat horn and dried fruit."
"It's time for us to undo the mistakes of the previous administration," Biden said. "So today, I am issuing an executive order for the Health and Human Services Department to purchase as many doses as Hunter can round up. I have heard the pleas of the long-suffering Gov. Cuomo and Mayor de Blasio. Unlike the incompetent Trump, I am ordering that all New York City residents be immediately inoculated for a clinical study of this formula."
In related news, Rhode Island Gov. Gina Raimondo (D) has ordered the National Guard "to conduct a statewide house-to-house search for refugees from the New York City virus epicenter. Everyone we find will be put on buses. When each bus is full it will be driven to New York City where the passengers will be able to receive the bear bile injections promised by the Biden Administration."