SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: May 24, 2020 Edition
Cuomo Blames Trump for Nursing Home Fiasco
Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) rebuffed criticism of his order requiring nursing homes to accept COVID-positive patients by blaming President Trump. The ordered cohabitation of infected and uninfected residents at these homes resulted in thousands of unnecessary and foreseeable deaths.
"Yeah, I was the one who gave the order, but Trump did nothing to stop me," Cuomo said. "He could've stepped in to countermand me, but he decided to allow each state to manage the pandemic in its own way. I know that Commissioner Zucker already admitted that the order was stupid, but isn't overruling bad decisions made by state and local governments one of the things that we expect from a president?"
The Governor pointed to polls showing 70% of New Yorkers approving his handling of the pandemic as further justification for his actions. "I think voters realize that I am no dumber than they are in dealing with this unprecedented calamity," he pointed out. "Likewise, polls indicating that most Democrats would prefer that I replace Biden as the Party's presidential nominee is a vote of confidence that Trump can't match from his Party. The media has been very congratulatory regarding my performance. I was able to wheedle more aid out of Trump than any other governor. My sterling leadership sets me head-and-shoulders above my peers in either Party."
FBI to Reevaluate Role in Flynn Case
Professing himself "disturbed" by the unexpected turn in the Flynn case, FBI Director Christopher Wray has ordered an internal review. "It is particularly concerning that the confidentiality of our methods has been compromised," Wray observed. "If the Agency's files can be so easily exposed to scrutiny we need to consider whether any records should be kept going forward. Our effectiveness will be blunted if unauthorized people can pierce the veil of secrecy that is vital to keeping the government safe from the type of oppositional defiant disorder exhibited by persons like Donald Trump and his deplorable supporters."
Wray brushed aside assertions that his review was a duplication of efforts already underway at the direction of Attorney General William Barr, pointing out "that to my way of thinking, Barr is an outsider whose loyalties lie elsewhere. He is, after all, the one who blocked our slam dunk case against Flynn. Because of his intervention, instead of another successful prosecution the FBI is looking incompetent or worse. We need our own internal and confidential process for determining how to avert similar outcomes in the future."
NYC Mayor Vows to Ban Fun on Memorial Day
A day at the beach at Coney Island has been a traditional start of summer for many New Yorkers for many decades. However, Mayor Bill de Blasio is determined to ensure that "this year will be different. I know a lot of our residents are itching to get outside into the sunshine. But I'm here to remind everyone that the pandemic is still with us. I will continue to dictate what is and isn't permitted until I decide whether it is safe to go outside."
De Blasio was unmoved by evidence showing that the coronavirus is vulnerable to the ultraviolet light in sunshine and that the vitamin D human bodies produce when exposed to sunlight strengthens resistance to becoming infected. "This is just anecdotal," he contended. "I refuse to believe that such a cheap and easy remedy is something we can rely on when rarer and more expensive options have yet to be developed and proven."
The Mayor warned that "if people go to the area without masks, get too close to others, or go into the water police will be there to prevent it. Likewise, police will be on the lookout for any nonessential business transactions and will cite any persons engaged in such activity. Resources must be conserved to ensure that essential activities, like government, are fully funded."
Thus far, the ban on nonessential activities has drastically cut into government revenues and endangered the lavish pensions promised to retired government employees. "Not to worry," de Blasio said, "Sen. Schumer (D-NY) is working on legislation to transfer funds from parts of the country that don't need it to help cover our shortfall."
Meanwhile, a few miles from New York City, Nassau County Executive Laura Curran announced that tennis courts will be reopened, but advised that players "may not touch each other's balls unless they reside in the same household. If players are from different households they may kick each other's balls." Curran cast these guidelines "as a way for everyone to stay safe while enjoying the game."
Biden Says Blacks Who Don't Support him "Ain't Black"
In an interview on the "Breakfast Club" Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden told host Charlamagne Tha God that "if you have a problem figuring out whether you're for me or Trump, then you ain't black." Biden's statement was in response to Charlemagne's attempt to go over the originally allotted 20 minutes set aside for the interview by pleading "we've got more questions."
While Biden's assertion that skin color determines political ideology reeks of racism, Fox News commentator, and former spokesperson for the State Department under President Barack Obama, Marie Harf insisted "it definitely was not racist. We all say things on television or radio interviews that maybe we would like to take back. I think voters will give him a chance to take it back."
Sen. Tim Scott (R-SC) is not inclined to let Biden off-the-hook, saying "this is the most condescending and arrogant comment toward the black community I have ever heard. As a black man I am more than my skin color. I can think for myself and make my own judgments. Biden sponsored a crime bill in the 1990s that jailed more African-American males than any other legislation. President Trump supported and signed legislation to undo the injustices spawned by Biden's bill. I think a black man assessing these events can decide for himself which man to vote for as president."
Upon reflection, Biden spoke in his own defense, pointing out "that Delaware was a slave state. I always had to keep that fact in mind when I was a Senator. I had to represent all the people of Delaware as I weighed which bills deserved my support. I recognize that this led to some zigging and zagging across the political spectrum. Sometimes I voted for bigger welfare benefits. Sometimes I voted to crackdown on crime. I think the fact that I was repeatedly reelected indicates that I did a pretty good job of balancing the competing interests of all the races in my state for more than 30 years."
James Carville, former campaign adviser to President Bill Clinton, predicted that "Joe will rise above this kerfuffle and whip Trump's fat ass in November. The Republicans' attempt to treat blacks as individuals who can think independently will fall flat. Democrats are the ones who've delivered the goods. We're the Party that has rescued tens of millions from wage-slavery by providing the material benefits that have enabled them to choose an alternative lifestyle without being forced to work for it."
In related news, The Nation columnist Katha Pollitt announced that she "would vote for Joe Biden if he boiled babies and ate them." She defended her callous opinion by calling eating babies "beneficial to the environment. It would contribute to the reduction of the human population and utilize an economical method of disposing of the unneeded human protein if more of us added this food to our diet. Other animals could be reprieved and land used for farming returned to its natural uncultivated condition."
Klobuchar Admission Dims Hopes for VP Nod
Revelation that her husband recovered from COVID-19 with the aid of hydroxychloroquine has lowered Minnesota Sen. Amy Klobuchar's odds for snagging the spot as Biden's vice-president on the Democratic ticket for this year's election. CNN's Chris Cuomo called it "a likely coup de grâce for her. This is the drug touted by Trump. Every Democrat is expected to hold to the Party line view that it is dangerous and ineffective."
Klobuchar has publicly adhered to the Party line, calling the drug "a menace" and mocked Trump's recent declaration that he has taken it as a preventive therapy. She sought to distinguish between her political and personal attitude toward the medication, saying that "my husband is a good person and deserves every chance to live. Trump, in contrast, is a bad person who needs to be removed from office by any means possible. I think my ability to make this distinction should bolster my credentials for the VP slot."
Meanwhile, sensing an opportunity, rival VP contender Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) has introduced legislation that would classify the use of phrases like "Wuhan virus, Chinese virus and Kung Flu" to describe the coronavirus as a "hate crime."
"Racist attempts to blame the pandemic on the Chinese government are fraught with peril," Harris maintained. "China has the ability to destroy us economically and militarily. We must not provoke them. Vice-President Biden has spent decades currying favor with China. We must show their government where we stand as a nation so he can continue those efforts after he is elected president."
Newsom Threatens to Fire First-Responders
California Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) says "the federal government has an ethical obligation to bail out my state. Admittedly, we might have been excessively generous in how we spent taxpayers' money. Perhaps this was a mistake. However, there is no need to make the people of California suffer for the miscues of their government. The federal government has an unconstrained power to create money. Failure to use this power to rescue California from bankruptcy would be a crime against humanity."
Among the "miscues" are $1 trillion in unfunded pension liabilities, 15,000 hotel rooms leased to house the homeless along with the cost of drugs to feed their habits while sequestered in these hotels, more than 300,000 state employees drawing six-figure annual salaries, and $125 million in coronavirus unemployment benefits for illegal aliens.
The Governor suggested he would try to motivate Trump to "do the right thing" by "laying off police, health care workers, and fire fighters first. Public employees that Trump would probably consider unnecessary 'dead wood' won't be let go because it wouldn't trouble him one bit. It's only when innocent civilians are put at risk that Republicans can be counted on to take action."