SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: July 5, 2020 Edition
Court Invalidates Louisiana Abortion Law
In a 5-4 decision, the US Supreme Court Struck down a Louisiana law requiring that persons performing abortions have admitting privileges at a nearby hospital.
In the majority opinion, Justice Stephen Breyer explained that "since the objective of an abortion is, of necessity, the death of the unborn baby it makes no sense to require that persons seeking this objective have recourse to aid that could only be intended to save a life. This applies to the doctor who has been hired expressly for the purpose of preventing the unwanted life and to the mother who has hired him."
Breyer also took on the contingency of possible complications that could threaten the life of the aborting mother, saying that "the risk to a woman seeking to kill her unwanted child cannot be separated from the choice to have the procedure performed at a facility where there is no access to a nearby hospital. The state has no obligation to protect her from such risk should she be unwise enough in her selection of where to attempt the termination of her child."
Joining Breyer in this decision were Justices Ruth Ginsburg, Elena Kagan, Sonia Sotomayor, and Chief Justice John Roberts.
School Org to Change Slogan
The Knowledge is Power Program (KIPP) announced it is retiring the slogan "Work hard. Be Nice." Richard Barth, KIPP Foundation CEO, said "the amazing financial success of the Black Lives Matter (BLM) organization's business plan of 'Break Stuff, Get Paid' has inspired us to rethink our message."
"Clearly, the 'work hard and be nice' model only works in a civilized free society." Barth declared. "If we examine the hundred thousand years that homo sapiens have lived we observe that in only a few hundred years and in very few places have we seen free societies. The 'break stuff and get paid' uncivilized model has dominated human life on Earth. Rather than be out-of-step with the more basic human nature of aggression and looting we need to reevaluate how KIPP can be more relevant going forward."
Barth acknowledged that "the 'work hard and be nice' approach has led to a significant lessening of poverty. However, since poverty has been the normal human condition for the vast majority of people around the world for almost the entirety of history what right do we have to try to impose prosperity on an unwilling population? In a few short weeks BLM has hauled in billions of dollars in donations from businesses trying to protect their property from further damage. Further, polls shows that nearly two-thirds of respondents say they support BLM. As scientists, we must yield to this empirical proof indicating that 'break stuff and get paid' better matches human nature and works for those who adopt this strategy."
Clinton Knocks Trump's COVID Response
In an interview with The Hollywood Reporter, loser of the 2016 presidential election Hillary Clinton boasts that "I would've done a better job handling the pandemic than Trump."
"First, if I had been the president when the virus struck there would have been no need to shut down the economy," Clinton asserted. "The only reason for shutting down the economy was to deflate the economic gains in profits and jobs sparked by Trump's tax cuts and deregulation. This unwarranted prosperity would never have happened if I were running the federal government. Dr. Fauci wouldn't have been allowed to issue dire forecasts and the media would not have been actively campaigning for a shutdown."
"Second, there wouldn't have been a hydroxychloroquine sideshow diverting our medical efforts into a dead end therapy," she said. "Trump's endorsement of this unproven medication wasted valuable time that could've been better used to craft a uniform approach to handling the disease. His allowing individual doctors to follow independent treatments fostered inequality of results. Now, people are confused, uncertain, and skeptical of government directives. If I had been president there would have been one voice, one option, and unquestioning obedience rather than the cacophony of argument and dissent that we see today."
"You know, one of the important lessons we have learned from this crisis is that the government has the authority to discern between what is essential and what is not," Clinton added. "The widespread acceptance of this principle among the population shows that we can finally redirect the nation's resources toward activities of importance to the government and collective well-being. If we tell people to stay home, they will stay home. If we tell people to report neighbors who are disobeying, they will report them. The freedom fanatics who said the American people wouldn't abide such intrusions on liberty were finally proven wrong."
In related news, a large-scale study conducted by the Henry Ford Health System and published in the peer-reviewed International Journal of Infectious Diseases, found that among 2,541 patients hospitalized for COVID-19 those treated with hydroxychloroquine (13% fatalities) were half as likely to die as those who did not receive the drug (26.4% fatalities). Hydroxychloroquine costs $37 for 100 tablets. Strangely, Dr. Anthony Fauci is recommending the unproven alternative Remdesivir at $520 per vial and a six vial course of treatment.
Epstein Partner in Crime Arrested
Ghislaine Maxwell, the accused procurer of under-aged sex slaves for Jeffrey Epstein's bordello for the powerful and famous, was very publicly arrested by the FBI this week.
FBI spokesperson Richard Ratsinger emphasized that "she is fully cooperating and will be naming names. No one who has participated in Epstein's sordid exploitation of minors for the sexual pleasure of the rich and powerful can expect to escape our net."
Ratsinger pointed out that "for those who are interested in her forthcoming testimony, she will be held in the same jail where Epstein hanged himself against his will last year. Whether Maxwell will live long enough to bring down the mighty is an open question. All we can promise is that the FBI will do its best to try to ensure an optimal outcome."
Hillary Clinton, wife of a frequent customer of Epstein's "Pleasure Island" sexploitation enterprise expressed her sympathy for Ms. Maxwell, saying "I can imagine how depressed she must feel right now. I know I'd be suicidal if I were in her shoes. Seeing what happened to Jeffrey, I think it would be remarkable if she lives long enough to testify."
Minnesota Gov Wants Feds to Pay for Riot Damage
Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz (D) is demanding that the federal government "pay its fair share for repairing the damage done in our state by the George Floyd rioters." The damage estimate comes to $500 million.
Walz acknowledged that he had refused President Trump's offer of assistance to quell the rioting, but still maintained that "it was the President's obligation to override my mistaken refusal. Obviously, I severely misjudged the situation. He should have seen I wasn't up to the job of maintaining order and stepped in. Sure, I probably would've denounced him for violating state's rights and the media would've blasted him, but he's got to be the bigger man and let bygones be bygones."
Senator Holds Promotions Hostage
Sen. Tammy Duckworth (D-Ill) says she will block Senate confirmation of 1,123 senior U.S. Armed Forces promotions unless Defense Secretary Mark Esper agrees to promote Army Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman.
Vindman served on the White House National Security Council and gained fame for testifying in the House impeachment hearings that, in his opinion, Trump was too aggressively pushing Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky to investigate corruption at the Burisma corporation. Burisma also paid Hunter Biden—son of then Vice-President Joe Biden--$80,000 per month for a "no show" job on the company's Board of Directors. Trump fired Vindman from his White House job four months ago.
Duckworth called Vindman "the most heroic member of this country's armed forces since John Kerry. He courageously went outside of the chain of command and worked with Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Cailf) in the unsuccessful effort to remove Trump from office. It is simply wrong for any Commander in Chief to meddle in routine military matters to block Col. Vindman's advancement."
Esper disagreed with "Sen. Duckworth's attempt to hold up the promotion of more than a thousand deserving officers. It is simply wrong for any member of Congress to inject herself into the process of evaluating which officers to promote at a given time. Lt. Col. Vindman will be treated like any other officer. If, in the judgment of his superior officers, he deserves promotion he will get it. The Senator's attempt to get special treatment for one person is unacceptable interference."
Minneapolis Diverts Money to Private Security
While defunding the police has become the cause du jour for the City Council, they have approved funds to provide personal security for members of the Council.
Council Vice President Andrea Jenkins defended the seemingly contradictory actions by insisting "there is a difference between making sure those governing the city are kept safe from harm and needlessly squandering scarce resources to fund police protection for the general public. Unlike the common people, Council members are essential to the smooth operation of the government. There are only eight of us. None can be spared. There are more than 400,000 residents of the City. We can afford to take casualties among this surplus of people."
"Furthermore, as a transsexual I am an even rarer and hence more precious member of society," Jenkins contended. "All over the world more resources are devoted to protecting the most precious assets. Why should it be any different in our City?"
Woman Loses Internship Over Threat to Stab People
This week, Harvard graduate Claira Janover tweeted a threat saying that "the next person who has the sheer nerve, the sheer entitled caucasity, to say 'All Lives Matter,' I'ma stab you. I'ma stab you, and while you're struggling and bleeding out, I'ma show you my paper cut and say, 'My cut matters too.'" She was surprised shortly afterward to learn that Deloitte, an accounting firm based in the United Kingdom, subsequently uninvited her to intern for them.
She then posted a tearful video in which she said "the job that I'd worked really hard to get and meant a lot to me has called me and fired me because of everything. Trump supporters took my job away from me. I have gotten death threats, rape threats, violent threats. Now my future's entirely compromised because Trump supporters have decided to come for my life. God, this sucks. You guys suck." This performance netted her $10,000 in donations.
Later at the daily White House press briefing, CNN's Jim Acosta demanded to know "why Trump had Claira Janover fired." Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany denied that Trump had anything to do with the firing. "The President only fires people who work for him and then only if they are not adequately performing their job."
A spokesman for Deloitte denied that Trump or anyone else influenced the company's decision to withdraw the internship offer, saying tersely that "it is simply against company policy to employ anyone who threatens to harm another person."
Seattle Autonomous Zone Invaded
On Wednesday, Mayor Jenny Durkan finally ordered police to retake the six-by-six-block square the City had surrendered to protesters three weeks earlier. It wasn't the fact that crimes committed in the zone were up by more than 500% compared to the previous year; it wasn't the fact that residents trapped in the zone were subjected to nightly terror and violence; it wasn't the squalor, garbage, and filth permeating the zone that prompted her decision. It was the fact that City Councilwoman Kshama Sawant led a mob of zone squatters in a march to the Mayor's home that did the trick.
"These people showed no regard for my safety," Durkan complained. "I allowed them to occupy the zone. I looked the other way while they engaged in crude, lewd, and uncivilized behavior. I invented the 'summer of love' meme to cover the savage reality of what was taking place and they returned the favor by threatening me in my home."
Sawant labeled Durkan "a sissy who quakes in the face of the justified rage of an oppressed people. By what right is she entitled to live in peace while others suffer? We made some noise outside her house. So what? At least we didn't drag her out and tear her limb from limb. Nor did we burn her house down. We could've easily done both. Now, after us showing restraint she wants the City Council to expel me for revealing the location of her residence? That's a pure 'white privilege' attitude on her part."
In related news, Sawant blamed capitalism for the shooting of two teenagers in the autonomous zone earlier in the week. A sixteen-year old was killed and a fourteen-year wounded as they tried to enter the zone in a stolen jeep. "Look, if it weren't for capitalism there wouldn't be jeeps or guns," she argued. "At worst, these two youngsters might have been stabbed or clubbed to death if capitalism had never been allowed to bring the innovations that created the motorized vehicle the youths drove and the automatic weapons the CHOP border patrol used to shoot them."
Wife Explains Why Biden Will Win
Former Vice-President Joe Biden's wife Jill is predicting that "Joe will get a lot of Republican votes this November. Sure he seems a bit demented from time to time, but who isn't? As he pointed out the other day to a question from a lying dog-face reporter, he is constantly tested for cognitive decline. Most of the time he passes. I think that a majority of voters will consider that a pretty good average compared to themselves. Joe certainly knows enough to recognize that Trump's tax cuts were a mistake. High taxes are needed to ensure that resources are used wisely rather than squandered on frivolous personal expenditures like starting a small business that is later looted and burned down by rioters. Most small businesses that aren't looted and burned down eventually fail anyway. Joe's plan to boost taxes will avert these failures by preventing these kind of lame-brained business ventures from ever getting started."
In related news, Joe Biden took issue with President Trump's suspension of H-1B visas for importing foreign workers while unemployment for Americans is so high. "H-1B foreign workers built this country," Biden insisted. "Without them there would have been no feasible way for slave states like my home state of Delaware to import the labor needed to man the plantations crucial to our economy in the past or the convenience market and donut vendors crucial to the workingman's diet today. Undoing this suspension will be one of my first acts as this country's new president in 2021."
Gov Regrets Not Releasing Inmate
The passing of 74-year-old death row inmate Richard Stitely due to COVID-19 hit Gov Gavin Newsom (D-Calif) hard this week. "I could have saved him," the teary-eyed Governor lamented. "Normally, death row prisoners live for decades. Poor Richard's untimely demise after only ten years was a sad twist of fate. If only I had released him like I have released so many others—more than 3,000 I think—to spare them from the coronavirus he could right now be walking the streets and doing the things he loved when he was alive and a free man."
"Maybe I shouldn't be so glum," the Governor admitted. "Not everything went bad this week. After all, I was able to issue an executive order banning singing in church. And my Plumpjack Winery was one of the few in the state to escape being ordered to shutdown. So, on balance, I guess the week was more good than bad."
Trump's Opposition to Riots "Politically Motivated"
Former President Obama blasted President Trump's opposition to the riots sweeping the country, calling it "politically motivated. Obviously, the chaos in our streets hurts Trump's reelection hopes. The polls clearly show this situation to be pushing voters toward Vice-President Biden. Rather than continue to denounce those intent on destroying the old America, President Trump should strive to unify the country by joining Joe to support this transformation to a new normal."
Obama's position was applauded by Iranian Ayatollah Lotfollah Dezhkam: "We too congratulate those who are carrying out the 'death to America' wishes of every righteous Muslim. It is good to see that our great friend Barack Obama has once again entered the battle for Islamic supremacy."
Schiff Boosts Trump's Reelection Chances
With polls showing a double-digit lead for Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden over President Donald Trump, House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff (D-Calif) announced that he will move to Canada if Trump wins in November.
Schiff's staff were reportedly dismayed by this announcement. In an off-the-record comment, staff member Patrick Boland observed that "as hated as Schiff is among Trump's base of deplorables, the chance that they might get him to leave will undoubtedly energize them. We don't think it will be enough to overcome Biden's big lead, but stranger things have happened. Adam's word doesn't count for much with the average voter outside of his district. They might think that he's lying about leaving. After all, none of the people who threatened to leave if Trump won in 2016 have actually followed through."