SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
|SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: August 23, 2020 Edition
Biden Says Days as a Lifeguard "Prepped Me to Save America"
In a bid to persuade voters that he is the man that will save America from the evil Donald Trump, Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden recalled his days as a lifeguard, saying that "I saved 77 people and one set of dentures from drowning. Who did Trump ever save? Are we even sure he can swim?"
"Today our country faces perilous times," Biden continued. "In city after city armed police are oppressing mostly peaceful rioters and murdering unarmed black men like George Floyd. Yet, all Donald Trump has to offer is a plea for law and order. Law and order is a dog whistle for racism. We need to breakaway from this out-dated policy. When I am president funds that have been wasted in futile attempts to pacify an angry public will be redeployed to community outreach programs that will bring people together."
"One of the main objectives of our outreach will be to reeducate the police and their supporters in the general population in an effort to help them adjust to the new reality that America so desperately needs," the Candidate added. "Until we develop a comprehensive reparations and wealth redistribution, law enforcement and the general public must learn to accept the spontaneous efforts toward this objective that we have seen taking place in Chicago, Seattle, Portland and other places. This is the only way we can move as one people united in a shared goal of social justice."
Fox News commentator Chris Wallace called Biden's remarks "thoughtful and bold," but questioned whether Biden "had ever saved anyone from drowning. I seem to recall that it was Ronald Reagan who rescued those 77 people during his seven years as a lifeguard in Dixon, Illinois in the late 1920s. I think Biden spent one year as a lifeguard in Delaware around 1960 where his greatest claim to fame was his luxuriant leg hair."
NJ Judge Orders "Do Over" in Paterson Election
Democrats' assertions that an all mail-in ballot election is just as good as a vote-in-person ballot were dealt a blow when state Attorney General Gurbir Grewal charged four individuals—Alex Mendez, 1st Ward Councilman Michael Jackson and two workers for 2nd Ward candidate Shahin Khalique's campaign with fraud in casting mail-in votes, unauthorized possession of ballots, tampering with public records and election fraud in the City's May elections.
The fraud was aided and abetted by New Jersey's law allowing ballot harvesting—a procedure in which Party operatives collect and deliver ballots to the polls. Unlike when ballots are dropped into mail boxes, ballots turned over to partisan intermediaries break the chain of custody and allow undesired votes to be discarded or altered. Unsurprisingly, Superior Court judge, Ernest M. Caposela, ordered a "do over" for November 3, saying that the May election "was not the fair, free and full expression of the intent of the voters."
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) still maintains that "a nationwide vote-by-mail protocol is our best option for conducting an election during the pandemic. Even if some of the ballots are lost or altered via the ballot harvesting process, at least voters are spared the risk of being exposed to the COVID contagion they would face going to the polls in-person. In the grand scheme of things, a tainted outcome is preferable to one where masses of voters become infected and die from the virus. Lives will be saved and Trump will be defeated. We consider that a win-win situation."
"Impactful Community Leader" Endorses Biden
One of a so-called group of "impactful community leaders" invited to speak at the Democratic National Convention was convicted murderer Donna Hylton. In 1986 when she was 21 years old, Hylton was convicted for kidnapping, raping, torturing, and murdering Thomas Vigliarolo. In a three week torture session Hylton starved her victim, burned him with cigarettes, squeezed his testicles with a pair of pliers, sodomized him with a metal rod, and ultimately murdered him when the ransom she was demanding wasn't paid.
She justified her crime on the grounds that she needed money to launch a modeling career and that Vigliarolo "was a homo anyway." She spent 26 years in prison for these crimes and was paroled in 2012. After regaining her freedom she found work as a Democrat activist, joined the Coalition for Women Prisoners and advocated for the early release of "prisoners like me."
Biden campaign manager Greg Schultz boasted that "the endorsements of these impactful community leaders shows that Joe has touched the heart and soul of those who have been mistreated by our judicial system. Victims of the systemic racism of our courts and law enforcement recognize the tranformative potential of the policies and personnel that Joe will bring to this nation if voters make him the next president of the United States."
In related news, Biden also received the endorsement of the Chinese Communist Party's newspaper The Global Times. The paper's editors predicted that "Mr. Biden will be much easier to deal with than Trump—a viewpoint that is shared by many countries. Polls already indicate that a majority of American voters are ready to reject the 'America first' policies of Trump and begin the transformation into the socialist progressive nation envisioned by former President Obama by electing Mr. Biden president of the United States in November."
Pundit Demands Trump Supporters Be Deprogrammed
CNN's Don Lemon warned that "the nation could face the bleak future of another four years of Trump if we don't take steps to prevent his cultish followers from reelecting him."
While the views he expresses on CNN are pretty consistently hard core leftist, Lemon claims he is an "independent thinker who's not afraid to color outside the lines." One of the lines he says he is ready to breach is "the presumption that everyone should be allowed to vote for whoever he pleases. Clearly, those who genuinely like Trump are deluded. I don't see how we can let them cast ballots until they undergo deprogramming. I know that Biden has pledged to set up reeducation camps if he wins, but he may never get the chance if Trump's zombies aren't prevented from reelecting him."
Merkel Irked by US Troop Withdrawal
German Chancellor Angela Merkel is furious at President Trump for his decision to reduce the number of US troops stationed in Germany by 12,000. "I find his assertion that it is time that Germany start defending itself rich with irony," Merkel said. "Not too long before the US occupation German troops were defending a large portion of the European continent from foreign invaders. The stability of that situation was disrupted by the violent intervention of the United States and its allies. The destruction of our army left us defenseless. As the chief architect of that disaster it is America's responsibility to take care of us."
President Trump rejected Merkel's demand and pointed out that "Germany is the richest member of the NATO alliance. They have an annual $50 billion balance of trade surplus with us. Six years ago they pledged to spend 2% of their GDP on their own defense. They have consistently fallen short of this promise. The original purpose of the US troop deployment to Germany was to deter Soviet aggression against Germany. Now the Soviet Union is no more and Germany is a major trade partner with Russia. So, I'd say we are well within our rights to reduce our contribution to Germany's defense. I mean, it's not as if we are totally abandoning them. We still have 24,000 troops stationed there."
Merkel called Trump's position "a replay of the mistake made by the western countries in 1939. They spurned an alliance with Germany to resist the Bolshevik threat. This forced our Chancellor to seek a nonaggression pact with the Soviet Union. The result was the onset of the most destructive war in human history. Trump's latest action risks a repeat of those dreadful days."
Chicago Mayor Gives Self Special Protection
While Mayor Lori Lightfoot has shown extraordinary tolerance for the violence criminals and mobs have been inflicting on the law-abiding residents of her city, she reached the breaking point when a mob of "demonstrators" started gathering outside her home this week. She ordered a special contingent of police officers to be regularly stationed outside her house, saying "I have a right to make sure my home is secure."
The Mayor insisted that "police resources are limited. Officers can't be everywhere. They can't protect everyone. We have to prioritize where we spend the taxpayers' money and ensure that the most important people are not victimized. Remember, there are millions of ordinary people living in Chicago, but only one mayor. Scarcity alone argues for putting the maximum effort toward making sure I'm safe at all times."
Lightfoot also pointed out that "so-called peaceful demonstrations can morph into violent episodes, as we saw in the downtown Miracle Mile section of the city. However, the theft and destruction of commercial merchandise that occurred there did no permanent damage. Insurance will cover the losses and the shelves will eventually be restocked. The same is not the case at my home where many keepsakes acquired over a lifetime could be irreparably harmed. I could be injured or maybe even killed. A tragedy of such magnitude must be avoided at all cost. I think the citizens of Chicago understand this and won't begrudge me taking whatever steps are necessary to avert it."
In addition to stationing police officers on the street in front of her home, Lightfoot will continue to receive the round-the-clock protection provided by bodyguards routinely assigned to every mayor. This includes one or more bodyguards permanently stationed inside her residence.
School Opposes Parents Viewing Lessons
Rutherford County Schools (RCS) in Tennessee is requiring parents to sign forms promising that they will not not watch the virtual lessons being piped to their children in lieu of the live in-class sessions during the pandemic.
RCS spokesman James Evans explained that "the bond between a teacher and student requires privacy if best results are to be achieved. Many parents have out-dated notions that the school must work very hard to overcome. The world has changed since the parents went to school. What they were taught no longer resonates in the woke era we are now seeking to make the new norm. When classes are held in places where the parents are not present the indoctrination process is smoother. The only way we can continue this pattern of success when lessons are conducted over the internet is for the parents to butt out of the process. The forms we are asking them to sign informs them of their obligation to do so."
"However, there will still be allowances for parents who are fully on-board with the woke agenda to assist in the indoctrination of their children, but only if their child's teacher is convinced that the parents' commitment to the progressive way of thinking is genuine," Evans said. "In order to ascertain if the parents' progressive views are genuine children will be regularly questioned about any political and social comments the parents make at home. Statements made by each student will, of course, be verified by crosschecking with the statements of their siblings, if any, and any discrepancies will 'red flag' the parents and their children for more intensive interrogation."
In other education news, Chloe Clark, an English professor at Iowa State University issued a syllabus in which students were warned that they could be dismissed from her class if they argue against abortion or criticize the Black Lives Matter movement. "Some ideas simply aren't worthy of being heard in a free society," Clark argued. "It's up to me to make sure my students learn that."
Meanwhile in Utah, Gov. Gary Herbert (R) has issued an edict imposing a punishment of six months in jail and a fine of $1,000 for any K-12 student who fails to wear a mask while on school grounds. Herbert defended his absurd criminalization of the mask issue by maintaining "I'm trying to save lives" and calling parents' objections "irrational. Look, I'm hoping it doesn't come down to sending some kid to jail. I think the threat alone will either spur compliance or encourage scofflaws to simply drop out of school."
California Loses Bet on Wind & Solar Power
The Democrat political establishment's decision to reject nuclear and natural gas as a method for generating electricity has left the state sweltering as the preferred "renewable" options of wind and solar have failed to meet demand. As temperatures broke records across the state residents have been advised by former Gov. Jerry Brown "to turn up your damn thermostat!"
Current Gov. Gavin Newsom admitted that "it's uncomfortable to be so hot and have your AC turned off by the rolling blackouts that are necessary if we are to fairly ration the scarce supply of electric power. Beyond this I think it would be good for everyone to remember that this state was founded before air conditioning was invented. Our ancestors thrived despite the heat. You can too."
Critics have pointed out that the Governor's mansion is exempt from the rolling blackouts. Ed Sprague, resident of Borrego Springs where temperatures reached 115 degrees this week, wasn't impressed by Newsom's pep talk. "Our modern economy depends on access to reliable and affordable electricity," he countered. "Without it output and standards of living would be far lower—like they were when the state was founded. Is that the direction that our government wants to take us?"
Apparently, the answer is yes. Newsom justified his exemption from blackouts, saying that "government is essential. It must be able to operate at maximum capacity at all times. The less important and nonessential segments of society may very well have to accept lower living standards as the price of the Green New Deal." Meanwhile, Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden has vowed to implement a nationwide Green New Deal after he is elected.
Sanders Warns "America Faces Authoritarianism"
In a grim convention speech, Sen. Bernie Sanders said "voters will face a choice between authoritarianism and freedom this November. One of the candidates intends to impose a regime of individualism that will stifle the human dream of collectivism envisioned by Karl Marx. The other candidate offers a pathway to escape this dire fate."
"If Donald Trump is reelected Americans will be forced to earn their own livings," Sanders lamented. "Some will be encouraged to embark on a futile quest for success as owners and operators of small businesses. Others will be expected to take jobs producing products that consumers are willing to buy. Everyone will be an orphan with no one to take care of him or tell him how to live his life. Material abundance will divert society away from the security of conformity and solidarity."
"On the other hand, if voters elect Joe Biden an expansive government will take everyone under its wing," Sanders promised. "No one will be left alone to decide his own fate. Everyone will be yoked together for the common good of all. Government will abolish failure. The guiding principle of a Biden Administration will be from each according to his ability, to each according to his needs. Competition will be replaced by cooperation as each person is assigned his or her unique role in society by the brightest minds and best people working under the unquestioned authority of the government."
"The choice is clear," Sanders asserted. "I hope and trust that voters will choose wisely."
In related news, Sanders urged that "any debates about the future of this country should be postponed until after Joe Biden is elected president. It is pointless to debate such weighty matters with those who disagree in principle about whether we should have an individualistic or a collectivistic society. Once Biden is the president every variety of progressive thought will be invited to participate in the discussion. Suggestions on how to most effectively redistribute wealth, whether to intern dissidents in reeducation camps or whether a simple forced hard labor would be preferable, when to ban the use of fossil fuels, and other topics of interest could be explored in a more convivial atmosphere."