SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

John Semmens
SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: October 10, 2021 Edition  

"Eff Joe Biden" Meme Disputed

The eruption of crowds chanting "Eff Joe Biden" that has been sweeping the nation at sporting events eventually confronted the President during his recent trip to Michigan where he praised the tyrannical Gov. Gretchen Whitmer as "the best governor in America." Unsurprisingly, the President characterized this phenomenon as "false and misleading. Everyone knows that the people love me. Eighty-one million of them voted for me. That's more votes than any other president has ever gotten. The chants of a debunked minority cannot refute the series of accomplishments that I've rolled up since I took office."

Recent polls cast some doubt on Biden's assertion that "the people love me." In the Rasmussen Daily Presidential Tracking Poll, Biden's job approval is at 43% and disapproval at 56%. Twenty-three percent "strongly approve" and 47% "strongly disapprove." This gives him a net approval index of minus 24%. The Quinnipiac University poll on specific issues shows disapproval rates of 50% for his response to covid, 55% for his handling of the economy, 58% for his performance as Commander-in-Chief, and 67% for his immigration policies.

Press Secretary Jen Psaki defended her boss by pointing out that "the Rasmussen poll also shows that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is viewed favorably by only 35% and unfavorably by 60%. She's doing worse with the voters than the President is. Just the other day, MSNBC anchorman Brian Williams laid blame for the President's plunging poll numbers where it belongs—on the 'really crappy reporting we've been doing in the media. We have a duty to protect the President from naysayers and critics, but haven't been as diligent as we should be in suppressing negative misinformation.'"

In related news, at a speech in Illinois, Biden bragged about "using my personal magnetism to help a good friend of mine cut in line ahead of others at a Pennsylvania hospital emergency room. I just called and said this is Joe Biden. You know, I grew up in Pennsylvania. I'd like you to do me a favor...I didn't even have to mention I am the President of the United States. This is just one more example of how I've been getting things done for the American people since I've been President."

Socialists Assail Moderates

The reluctance of Sen. Kyrsten Sinema (D-AZ) and Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WVA) to support the Biden Administration's $3.5 trillion spending bill has led to sustained attacks on them.

Sen, Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) declared that "two senators have no right to sabotage what we want. We are, in the Russian vernacular, the Bolsheviks—the majority. You know, Lenin had the same sort of problem with the Menshiviks—the minority—when he was establishing the dictatorship of the proletariat back in 1917."

Thus far, Sinema has faced the worse harassment as a gang of leftists chased her from a class she was teaching at Arizona State University into the women's restroom where they photographed her entering a stall. Manchin was accosted by kayakers outside the houseboat he lives on in Washington.

President Biden called the harassment "part of the process. It happens to everyone who doesn't have Secret Service guards accompany them everywhere they go. If you don't want to be accosted or followed you need to get yourself elected president like I did."

CNN's Ana Navarro said that "while I don't think its appropriate to chase anyone into a bathroom, I kind of think that Senator Sinema has only herself to blame. If she were loyal to the Party this wouldn't have had to happen to her."

Sinema called the harassment "an illegitimate protest. I respect the free speech rights of those who disagree with me, but engaging in illegal activities such as gaining entry to closed university buildings, disrupting learning environments, and filming people in a restroom are not part of these rights."

Sanders wared that "Sen. Sinema's effort to resist our attempts to bring her back into the fold is ill-advised. She would be better off confessing her crimes and taking whatever punishment the Party doles out to her, like Zinoviev, Kamenev, and many others did back in 1936."

Why Everyone Must Be Vaccinated

In a speech in Elk Grove, Illinois, President Biden explained why everyone must be vaccinated against covid. Biden contended that "breakthrough cases of covid in those fully vaccinated only occur because they are infected by the unvaccinated. The unvaccinated serve as a reservoir in which the virus survives until it can infect another host. The best way to eliminate this reservoir is to eliminate the unvaccinated hosts."

The President claimed that "mandating that everyone be vaccinated is a more merciful option than the culling of the herd that some of my advisors have urged. Granted, euthanizing the infected and burning their corpses is a time-tested method for saving the majority of the population in a livestock pandemic. However, thanks to the development of the covid vaccines we have the opportunity to choose a less lethal remedy for ending this plague."

Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ken) called Biden's reasoning "unscientific. The breakthrough cases are evidence that those receiving the vaccines are not getting the promised protection from covid. In fact, there have been more reported covid fatalities this year than there were in 2020 when no vaccines were available. It is illogical to conclude that the ineffectiveness of the vaccines is a valid argument for forcing more people to submit to vaccination."

Dr. Anthony Fauci disagreed, saying that "the lack of a clinical study proving the Senator's thesis invalidates his objection to the vaccine mandate. It could very well be that even though vaccination does not protect the person getting the jab, there is no proof that being vaccinated doesn't prevent the person from passing on the virus to others. Since we cannot rule this out, the altruistic path is to ensure that we reach a 100% vaccination rate. If we reach the 100% mark and there is still person-to-person transmission of the virus then, and only then, we can consider an alternate hypothesis, although I can't at this time imagine what that alternate hypothesis might be."

Unfortunately for Dr. Fauci's claims, CDC Director Rochelle Walensky says that "while covid vaccines are working exceptionally well, they can't prevent transmission of the virus to infect others." CDC data backs her up on this latter point. Four of the five counties with the highest vaccination rates (84% to 99%) are also in the "high transmission" category. In contrast, the 57 counties in the "low transmission" category all have a vaccination rate of under 20%.

Yellen Wants Expanded IRS Spying

In a Senate hearing, US Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen vigorously defended the Biden Administration's need for banks to disclose all transactions in accounts of $600 or more, saying "the government's ability to manage the economy would be greatly enhanced by this information. By right, the government is entitled to know how every dollar is earned and spent. Historically, it has been lack of comprehensive data that has held us back."

"Say you have $600 in your bank account," Yellen hypothesized. "Maybe this is income that you have not reported to the IRS. By us having all the transactions in bank accounts of $600 or more we can determine whether you owe the government more money and whether you are spending money wisely. Knowing these things will help us determine whether more of your cash assets ought to be transferred to the government."

Sen. Cynthia Lummis (R-Wy) called this proposed new level of surveillance "an invasion of privacy. We already have employers and financial institutions reporting income earned from work and investments. Why do we need this added intrusion?"

"Income represents only a portion of the total assets held by individuals," Yellen replied. "People could be hoarding assets that could be put to better use by the government. Part of the President's 'Build Back Better' program is to redeploy assets in a way that will replace the current greed-based distribution with a more socially just equity-based distribution. Building the database to make this possible is a necessary and proper function of government."

Parents Are "Domestic Terrorists"

After receiving numerous complaints from school officials around the nation, U.S. Attorney General Merrick Garland has instructed the FBI to initiate an investigation of "parents who too vigorously voice objections to the things their children are being taught or how the schools are run."

"Public schools are a free service provided to parents by the government," Garland asserted. "Instead of showing gratitude, some parents are showing up at school board meetings and questioning how these free schools are handling things. The education professionals running these public schools are alarmed and insulted by these lay critics. School Board public meetings are intended for parents to learn more about what their children are being taught, not to challenge it. These challenges are harassing and could be considered terroristic threats. It is my hope that the mere announcement of involvement by the FBI will go a long way toward damping down these unfortunate confrontations."

One of the most common complaints voiced by parents attending school board meetings is the teaching of Critical Race Theory (CRT). This doctrine is a Marxist invention that categorizes individuals as oppressed or oppressor based on skin color. According to this theory, America was founded in 1619 in order to promote slavery. While slavery existed in many parts of the world, including in America in the past, the foundation of the United States following the ousting of British tyranny introduced the idea that individuals have inalienable rights to life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness. Over time, the contradiction between these rights and slavery led to its abolition and full citizenship for those formerly enslaved. CRT ignores this accomplishment and fosters a curriculum of racial animosity among students. It is not surprising that parents would disapprove of their children being brainwashed with this toxic nonsense.

As it so happens, though, Garland's daughter Rebecca is married to Xan Tanner, co-founder of an education resource company that pushes CRT in public schools. Attorney-General Garland denied that his actions "aimed at discouraging wrongheaded parents from hassling school board officials have anything to do with the financial prospects of the fine young man who married my daughter. I always do what's right no matter what."